Problems with fiance making comments and gaslighting

Maisiebr · 2020-09-03T08:04:11+00:00

What bothers me about this is how you said that he told you that if you don't want to hear negative comments from him, don't talk to him. It's not how any if this works. One should be able to put their snarkiness aside if they talk to a loved one, especially if it hurts them. It shouldn't be a take it or leave it scenario. It's a childish way to think like this. Just imagine any other person in any other scenario. If I talked to one of my friends and always brought up something they feel is hurtful to bother them with and they asked me to stop... Would I tell them that oh well then they shouldn't talk to me if they don't like it, when I could just easily put my shitty attitude (that hurts them) aside?

thirdtoebean · 2020-09-03T07:18:49+00:00

I don't think that's gaslighting, from what you've described. He hasn't tried to edit history, claim things never happened or make you doubt your sanity. That said, you're evidently not happy, and you don't have to justify being unhappy with a situation - you feel what you feel.

Mulkvistee · 2020-09-03T08:04:29+00:00

He's fighting a losing battle trying to manage your sleeping patterns. I'm a night owl, my husband is up practically at dawn, and after almost 11 years the world and our marriage hasn't fallen apart. We're at our personal bests at different times, who cares? You can handle your responsibilities and still spend hours a day together if you want. It's not a hill worth dying on. You mention a time difference though, so if this is an LDR and you're having issues staying in touch at a time he can actually talk I'd guess it's more about that. I don't see gaslighting though.

hazelbroom · 2020-09-03T14:52:47+00:00

He is punishing you for asserting a boundary you have set. Ignoring you (the silent treatment/stonewalling) is punishment. Hanging up on you is punishment. That is abusive behaviour. The boundary pushing will increase with time. He will turn it back on you and make you feel crazy. You should be allowed to express your emotions and a loving partner would not keep doing something that hurts you. He is trying to control your sleeping habits now and he will try to control more later. They usually start with "reasonable" demands for plausible deniability if others find out.

I think this DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) behaviour he is doing is part of gaslighting. Telling you he will listen if you speak calmly then not listening is definitely gaslighting. Trying desperately to phrase yourself just right with the right tone to get through to him is a sure sign that he is an abuser. He should listen the first time. You having more emotion in your voice should be more reason to listen and care. He knows he's hurting you.

Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft to understand what he's doing. You can download a free pdf by googling "why does he do that pdf'" or by this link https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf.

Why did you need to tell him about this post? Were you worried he'd punish you if you confide in someone about his behaviour without telling him first? That's a way of isolating you. He will read these posts and either try to invalidate us or he will convincingly apologise for "not realising" (a lie - he knew he was hurting you). He will say he'll change but the act won't last long and his crazy-making controlling behaviour will get worse in the long run.

heliodrome · 2020-09-03T12:59:16+00:00

I don’t know if it’s gaslighting, but it’s definitely not respect. He does not respect your sleeping preferences and instead of breaking up with you over incompatibility, he expresses it in a passive aggressive way, with an expectation that you change. Why not date another night owl?

cassabell1894 · 2020-09-03T07:34:26+00:00

Your sleep pattern can be however you want, no one should have control, or try to control it. He's trying to dictate how you sleep, like a father telling off a child! If he is reading this, he needs to know "you will never have success in controlling a women, she is a free human being and can do as she likes".

Mysterious_Midnight7 · 2020-09-03T13:48:17+00:00

Feeling forced to explain something a million times until you lose your patience, and then being punished for losing your patience, is totally DARVO. I lived through this for many years and I have zero patience for people who play this intentionally obtuse game. Always remember: they heard you the first time.

Hhjjuuy · 2020-09-03T14:07:06+00:00

Honestly dump him. It doesn't sound like gaslighting here specifically, more along the lines of DARVO. As in he's saying it's your fault he upset you because if you didn't talk to him he wouldn't be an asshole to you.

It sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. He's trying to control when you sleep despite it not being an issue in your life outside of his opinion. It sounds like he doesn't even like you. And long distance as well! Why play on hard mode with someone who seems fundamentally incompatible with you?

He doesn't even listen to what you say! Where is the bar?!

ilostitireallylostit · 2020-09-03T16:07:28+00:00

How old are you? Waking up at a reasonable time when your younger is difficult but it is a good skill to work on. Yes it sucks for a few months as you adjust. I recommend reading atomic habits, waking up early really is beneficial to sleeping until 2pm or 3pm. I can understand any partner not being okay with this. I’d actually be embarrassed to tell anyone my SO sleeps until the late afternoon.
You may just not be compatible, but it could be worth working on this because a lot of SOs may have a hard time adjusting to this type of schedule as an adult.

RiteWriter · 2020-09-03T08:34:19+00:00

I’m a night owl too. Sadly many people assume that means lazy.

2020-09-03T08:46:27+00:00

It doesn't seem like he is respecting your word. You told him to not make comments about your sleep and he still continues. Also he told you to not talk to him after you told him he hurt you which means he is avoiding taking any accountability for how he made you feel. Thats a red flag. Its also snarky and not an acceptable way to speak to you. Imagine if you did stop talking to him? What would happen then? I say proceed with caution. He disrespected you. If you see that this is a pattern, leave.

ShadowoftheGrimoire · 2020-09-03T12:08:12+00:00

Rather than gaslighting it sounds like a variation of “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Rather than acknowledging the fact that what he said hurt you he implied that it’s your fault for getting hurt in the first place since you chose to talk to him. I believe it’s closer to DARVO than gaslighting.

That being said, it sounds like he’s trying to neg (?) you and make you feel insecure or feel like you need to please him. You don’t need to do that. If your sleeping patterns don’t work for him that’s his problem not yours.

Pasdepromesses · 2020-09-03T11:04:42+00:00

I think you guys just have incompatibility issues.

I always prefer to go to sleep together and (sort of) wake up together. I'm an evening person (like to go to bed round midnight or 1), but I work 9 - 6 so I have to wake up round 7 as well.

I can work with guys who go to bed in the period between 10:30 PM and 01:00 AM. With the early sleepers, I just read something in bed if it's too early for me. If he sleeps later than me, I expect something similar. If my boyfriend wakes up earlier than I do, I cuddle a bit but stay in bed. Same thing vice versa. Or we would drink a cup of coffee together before heading back to bed.

This is just a very important preference of mine, because for me it's an important aspect of sharing my life with someone. I would also worry about not sleeping the whole night, because of health issues and the fact that it would be harder to adjust if my SO would get a 'normal' job during the day. For other people it's not important at all. No 'bad' or 'good' here, just incompatibility I guess.

Edit: also seems like you two don’t have the healthiest communication style. Don’t like his snarky comment either.

I was wondering what the reason behind your sleep pattern is. Even though it’s nobody’s business and you can sleep how long, how late and wherever you want, going to bed 6-8 am doesn’t seem healthy to me and can be bad for your health (artificial light and night shifts are linked to woman’s health issues) and also a hindrance in everyday life. If it’s something you’re happy about, forget what I said. If you don’t really like it, but it’s a form of coping, this might be a good area to level up in, maybe with professional assistance if it’s hard on your own.

sikulet · 2020-09-03T08:04:45+00:00

Info request: please confirm -

noticed you mention a time difference so you guys are in LDR. It’s rough as a general rule, and tbh maybe the issue is not about you per se, but rather if you have distance and if you OP sleep on the opposite timezone it means, one of you has to sacrifice sleep to talk to each other and it will be unbearable for the person adjusting in the long run.

Try to set a time where you can expect each other to come online where both of you are comfy.

bumbumboleji · 2020-09-03T07:38:54+00:00

Yeah i don’t know what to call it, but it doesn’t sound fun. I would talk to him again about the same subject at a time when you are both relaxed (after work or on weekend/ day off) to see if you can get a little more clarity. I wouldn’t write him off but I would keep a close eye, reading this i didn’t like how he totally didn’t seem to understand or empathise with WHY you don’t like the sleep pattern being brought up and also that you feel the need to modulate your emotions, yes it’s nice to have some control but we are human at the end of the day not robots. Take care

Summerisle7 · 2020-09-03T15:09:42+00:00

Why do we care if he reads the comments?

And I agree with the advice you’ve gotten so far. His communication style sucks.

lalalalaika · 2020-09-04T05:41:05+00:00

He has told me that he would listen if I spoke in a normal tone but my normal tone didn't get the message across the first few hundred times.

Hell to the NO.

Please don't marry someone who talks to you that way. It won't get better with time. It will get worse.

Adawritesrules · 2020-09-03T11:19:29+00:00

So his boundaries are really important (the raising your voice) but your boundaries are not (bringing you and criticizing/controlling your sleep).

Soon to be ex boyfriend, if you are intending to cross my boundaries don’t you dare defend yours in the same argument. Now do not call me for a long time, if ever. If you do you should have thought very well about what you’ve done here despite my patience and CoMiNiCaTiOn and be ready to apologize and include a description of how you will treat me from now on. It will then be up to me to determine if I still want to entertain this relationship. Don’t call me for at least 1-2 weeks.

Oh and in these 2 weeks you live a full life surrounded by people that bring you up! If you want don’t even tell him the above and just cut all contact for 2 weeks! Then if you truly spend those 2 weeks we’ll and invest in yourself and your healthy relationships you will see when you talk to him again if he is a big pile of shot disguised as a “man”. You will then start smelling it, and walk away (after you throw up, but it is what it is).

burntbpd · 2020-09-04T08:48:46+00:00

He's going to read the comments? Great. This one is for him.

Do better you idiot!

Title	Problems with fiance making comments and gaslighting
Author	anchor_in_space
Upvotes	29
Comments	35
Date	September 3, 2020 6:45 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ilogxc/problems_with_fiance_making_comments_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/problems-with-fiance-making-comments-and.205432 https://theredarchive.com/post/205432

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