What are your thoughts on getting involved with men who already have children?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-08-19T18:56:36+00:00

if you're childless only date childless men. Otherwise you're just going into a relationship where you will already be second and possibly even 3rd after the ex.

Sage_Planter · 2020-08-19T19:03:09+00:00

I was a childless stepmom in a past relationship, and I cannot tell you how difficult, complicated, heartbreaking, thankless, and unfulfilling the role is. Worst of all, most of the expectations, advice, and support you get from media, society, your partner, etc. on being a stepparent is straight up terrible. There's a reason the divorce rate for remarriages with children is over 70%. Yes, that's a fact. Unless you have kids of your own, I highly recommend avoiding men with children.

While I learned a ton and grew up so much during that time, I have absolutely zero interest in that lifestyle again. I avoid men with kids like the plague. I'd rather be single than deal with that crapola again.

understatedalways · 2020-08-19T20:29:51+00:00

Coming from experience, don’t get into a relationship with a guy who has previous kids if you can help it. Here is why: 1. Men are horrible at managing dating and kids. Be prepared for him to tell you that he can only see you at 5 pm on Wednesday once every other week. I’m serious.; 2. They usually either aren’t over their baby mama or they have serious hang ups due to the fact that she left him.; 3. You will always be second place to the other kids’ mom, even when or if you have a kid with the guy.

bonenecklace · 2020-08-19T19:12:45+00:00

Never EVER settle.

VulcanSpaceSquirrel · 2020-08-19T20:44:42+00:00

I do not date men with kids. I won’t even consider them as a dating option

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-19T19:03:07+00:00

Yeah being a SM can be pretty bad, LOL. Check out r /stepparents for research.

But there are also decent single dads out there who are still HVM. You have to vet them relentlessly and decide if you can deal with them and their kids. The answer will probably be no.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-08-19T19:16:06+00:00

If you have children or want more children I don’t see why not. If you are childfree, there is no good reason to do it. In a perfect world single parents would stick with dating other single parents IMO. I’m childfree, so I’d rather be single than dating a parent.

husheveryone · 2020-08-19T20:20:47+00:00

Date only childless dudes. Never settle!

I could never, ever be a stepmom. And I say that as a very happy mother to my own kids. Stepmoms get no real love at all, and many of them are just the dads’ mules. Period.

hongkonghenry · 2020-08-19T19:30:46+00:00

Complications after 30 are hugely overstated between 30 and 35. Medicine is amazing and between now and only 20 years ago genetic testing and scanning has gotten better, knowledge and detection of GD and Preeclampsia has gotten better. If you take care of your body and be as healthy as possible you are probably less likely to encounter problems than a 25 year old who parties once a week.

sewingmachinesavior · 2020-08-19T20:27:20+00:00

Let me preface this post by saying I’ve been a step child and a step mother. I am also mother of my own children.

I also, would not recommend getting involved with someone who has children, unless the mother is decease or the children are about off to college and you don’t move in until they fledge the nest. So many men, are looking for their built in babysitter. And it’s utterly heartbreaking to watch the power dynamics that kids (especially teens) can create. The day is inevitable, even if you’ve raised the kids since they were young that you and the man will disagree on how to handle something with the kids and he will pull the “they are my kids, so it’s my call” card. That completely undermines you as a parent, and so the games begin, into an ugly downward spiral. Does this happen all the time? No. But it happens enough that it’s worth mentioning.

And when you’ve raised a kid or three for 5 or 10 years, investing in their life and then they are ripped from you or turned against you in a divorce/breakup, it super super sucks, but you were “just” the step parent.

That being said, I have kids, and will date a man with kids, but I have a mental list of expectations and concerns to address if things got serious.

Oh, and then if you have kids with a man who has kids from a previous relationship, you will get told you are favoring your bio child(ren), and THAT will cause conflict.

divination__ · 2020-08-19T20:05:37+00:00

four months isn't long to be single at all, 'approaching your 30s' isn't old, don't sell yourself short. it is better to wait until you meet the right person (and trust me, there are plenty of childless men), than to settle or sell yourself short.

BasieSkanks · 2020-08-19T20:08:26+00:00

If you want your husband to come without children, then seek out such a man. Don’t feel like you have to settle. Being a step-parent is a massive responsibility, that not many people are cut out for. You will always come 2nd or 3rd place. There are plenty of men in their 30s who don’t yet have children. Go find one of those.

bonenecklace · 2020-08-19T20:41:40+00:00

I would never want to date a man with kids. I am not interested at all in being a step parent. I want my own nuclear family with a man that is experiencing everything for the first time just like I am. I would rather not have kids at all than to be a step parent. There are way too many drawbacks.

If it turns out that the white picket fence dream never happens for me and I never have kids of my own then I will foster I think. Please don't settle. You could even have a baby on your own if it is super important to you.

basicbagels · 2020-08-19T20:52:32+00:00

For what it’s worth, my mom had me naturally at age 40 (going on 41) and my dad was 48. I turned out ok, no complications :)

AbundantOverflow · 2020-08-19T19:26:47+00:00

First, fear is never a good reason to make a life altering choice that has more downside that upside.

Second, women are getting pregnant naturally into their 40s so it's a bit early to be settling for situations you don't want if you're not even 30. If it's that much of a concern, consider freezing eggs or having assessments done to get a sense of where your fertility is.

Third, I co-sign every poster who said being single is far better than being a stepmom. I have never talked to a step mom who was legitimately happy with the arrangement. At best, it was a grin and bear it situation and at worse, they flat out regretted it and/or had divorced. There's a reason children were a deal breaker for you - revisit that.

Fourth, the last 4 months is nothing in the grander scheme of things. Besides us living through a global pandemic, the economy is in shambles and there's so much social and cultural upheaval. I wouldn’t base dating/mating decisions on anything I observed or felt during this time except for deciding to choose partners who are financially savvy and emotionally resilient.

0kfornow · 2020-08-19T21:57:37+00:00

They're looking for a bangmaid with additional maid duties

CatSweets · 2020-08-19T19:54:22+00:00

I'm 30, never dated men who have children and don't intend to do so. I don't want to have children myself, and I don't want to deal with children in my life, so if I date a man who is a (good) father, I'd have to be around them and it's a deal breaker. On the other hand, if a man isn't participative in his children's life, he's an LVM and I wouldn't want anything with him either.

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-08-19T22:23:20+00:00

Hard pass unless you already have children or you're old enough to date someone with adult children (kids are 25+).

With single dads for the most part, you'll either be placed last or with a shitty father. If he has minor children, you'll also be on the hook for child support if you marry him and you could find the both of you with full custody if something happens to the kids mom and dad doesn't want them in foster care.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-08-19T22:05:10+00:00

My mom had 5 kids when she met my stepdad and my stepdad has never had any kids. It’s possible to find a man with no kids. They were in their 30s when they met.

As for getting with a man with kids, I have tried it (because I now have children) and I’m definitely glad I didn’t do it while I didn’t have kids. The guy I talked to wanted another mother for child🙄 which is fine, but it caused a bunch of issues when I left him because he was abusive. He tried to use the child as a pawn to guilt me into staying which was annoying. I couldn’t even maintain a relationship with her because he kept trying to interfere and make me like him again🙄

If you don’t have any kids, why date someone who does? You’ll get sucked into all their nonsense- baby mama/ex wife drama, you don’t get to share the joy of both of you having your first child together, usually you come out of pocket for the child, it will affect you if owed child support or pays an insane amount of CS, if you are lucky you’ll have a good relationship with the child but it’s possible they will hate you...I could go on and on. I have children so it makes no difference if one more is added but I would never even consider it if I had no kids. There’s men without kids out here. It’s scarcity minded to think you won’t attract one.

rf-elaine · 2020-08-19T22:51:09+00:00

Subscribe to /r/stepparents and see what it's like!

just-peepin-at-u · 2020-08-20T01:34:02+00:00

I would date a parent if I were a parent myself (which I am). In my younger, single and childless years, so many men had an entitlement to younger childless women in their minds. It was off putting.

sadcello · 2020-08-20T10:46:22+00:00

Never, I would rather adopt kids myself. Single dads are the easiest men to get commitment from, which means it's not only useless, it's a trap.

honeybeeroll · 2020-08-19T22:21:13+00:00

One of my best friends married someone who had children already, and his having kids was never a problem. However, this is because he's actually a good father and my friend was ready for the challenges of being a step parent.

What was most important and my friend set about finding asap was where his kids were in his life. They were his top priority. He proved this through what he said and how much time he spent with them. Their children together are his top priority too, and everyone gets along, the kids are teens and love their baby siblings. Relationship is good w/ the ex wife too, so of course she's invited to bday parties and such.

However, my friend already wanted to settle down and have kids since she was mad young. She does a lot for these step kids. They're at her house most weekends so she cooks for them, helps with homework, lots of other stuff, incorporates them into family outings. She has always liked them and they've always liked her. She realized if she was going to get involved w/ a man who was already a father, then this is what she'd have to do.

She also realized she'd have to learn where to draw the line with being welcoming to them - like they have a tendency to not tell her they are sick, come visit, and put her babies at risk. So she had to talk to her husband about that and said she wouldn't let sick people into the house, even if it's his own kids (this is pre covid).

And she also had to learn what the proper level of involvement was - she helps and cares for them, but she does not parent or discipline them. Only time she has to get involved is if something they are doing (like coming over sick) is affecting her and her husband's kids

If you are not ready to take on all that, it'd be best not to date someone w/ kids.

fastidiousadipose · 2020-08-21T08:03:56+00:00

100% NO

Title	What are your thoughts on getting involved with men who already have children?
Author	bonenecklace
Upvotes	24
Comments	46
Date	August 19, 2020 2:10 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/icextl/what_are_your_thoughts_on_getting_involved_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-are-your-thoughts-on-getting-involved-with.213185 https://theredarchive.com/post/213185

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