When and how did you guys/girls decide that you wanted to be the type to sleep with a lot of people in a very casual setting vs. developing more meaningful relationships and not sleeping around?

SkookumTree · 2018-11-16T21:36:28+00:00

I always wanted meaningful relationships; never wanted casual sex. It was never even a decision that really crossed my mind: I needed to know someone and like their personality in order to be attracted!

[deleted] · 2018-11-16T20:51:08+00:00

When I realized I could do both

whitetrashcarl · 2018-11-16T20:58:15+00:00

I’ve done both in my life. I don’t really see it as either or. For me I find eventually that I meet a girl that I really like, we spend more time together and the other girls sorta drop off, and she eventually becomes my girlfriend

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-11-16T21:43:53+00:00

I didn't decide it because I never thought about it because I am not a neurotic lunatic. I just did what I felt like doing there was no thought or decision involved

iceicle999 · 2018-11-16T21:01:09+00:00

I don't know man, a lot of people were being very supportive towards you. I'm not trying to discount what you say you experienced. But there is inevitably bound to be a core group of men and women who think it's your duty as a man to slay and they will be very in-your-face about it often to the point of severe rudeness and insults. I don't like those people. As for your question, I'm still not sure myself. My views are changing constantly still. Either settling down or casual sex both have their own problems. But being alone may also hit you very hard when you least expect it.

Mr_Smoogs · 2018-11-16T20:55:53+00:00

How did you guys/girls decide that you wanted to be the type to sleep with a lot of people in a very casual setting vs. developing more meaningful relationships and not sleeping around?

It was when I realized that you just have to be a little selfish. You are absolutely going to break some hearts and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You can be 100% honest in not wanting to commit to a girl and she will still be angry and resentful you didn't commit. It was only when I stopped caring about being responsible for the emotions of women that I was able to decide that I wanted to sleep around.

SweeterPickles · 2018-11-16T22:01:57+00:00

I know that I am the type to want a meaningful relationship, but I also know that those don’t just happen in a moment. So sleeping around is a fun thing to do in the meantime.

I don’t think you have to do one over the other. Obviously when you’re in a relationship you should stop sleeping around, but growing up I’ve gone into most every ONS with the added thought that this could develop into something meaningful.

ExistentialLiberty · 2018-11-16T21:26:11+00:00

Who says you can't do both? I think your late teens to mid 20s are about experimentation (as long as it's safe). You are still trying to find yourself. You will go through phases where you genuinely think you're in love with this person to find out that your values/goals have changed and you want something else (vice versa). You may go through a phase where all you want to do is sleep around. It's all about experimentation to find what you want longterm out of life when it comes to relationships lol. Life is a journey.

Cho_Assmilk · 2018-11-16T20:57:10+00:00

When I thought at 20 y/o "This women is the one to have children with"

[deleted] · 2018-11-16T21:11:19+00:00

It was probably in early high school for me that I started craving a traditional romantic relationship with a guy I was head over heels for.

Texastentialism · 2018-11-16T21:39:48+00:00

I've wanted a partner for as long as I can remember. All of my going out and having fun when I was younger was ultimately in service of my goal of finding a husband (which I did when I was 22). It was never a conscious decision I had to make because lots of random casual sex was never appealing to me in the first place.

Pope_Lucious · 2018-11-16T21:58:11+00:00

There was never a “decision”. I wanted to have sex with women, so I did. Some of those women were cool and we got along fine, so we dated.

RockinSocksII · 2018-11-16T22:27:17+00:00

When I was having trouble getting into a meaningful relationship. Funnily enough, that's how I got into one.

[deleted] · 2018-11-17T00:23:01+00:00

I never thought about it, I always did both

jkonrad · 2018-11-17T10:54:45+00:00

You have it backwards. The most natural state of affairs is wanton orgies 24/7. I decided at around 13 that I wanted to fuck every woman in the world. (I also once tried to dig a hole through the earth to China. Dream big lol). It wasn’t until far later that I even considered the alternative as being sustainable.

Believeinyourflyness · 2018-11-17T10:59:35+00:00

Since discovering that preselection is necessary to attract a woman

withlacoochee · 2018-11-16T21:49:50+00:00

35F. In my teens and 20s I did serial relationships. I got married at 31 and the divorce was final 6 months later. Two days after the honeymoon ended I found out he had been lying to me about who he was since the day we met. I also realized he had become increasingly abusive over time.

I felt incredibly naive, I felt like a failure, I didn’t know what to do. I hit rock bottom. After a few months, I started to bounce back. I was terrified of commitment, but my high-and-only-getting-higher libido was telling me I needed sex on the regular.

So my new lifestyle became dating around and having casual hookups. I didn’t want to worry about where my next fuck was coming from, but I couldn’t stand the thought of committing to someone after how badly I’d been burned. I focused hard on learning the art of seduction. Dating/hookups became a hobby for me, a skill to be developed. I would go through “phases” in which I would “try out” different kinds of men. I went through an older guy phase, I went through a younger guy phase. I went through a tech guy phase, I went through an artist phase. I went through an Asian guy phase, I went through a Latino guy phase. Etc, etc. I was always clear about my intentions so that I could be ethical about it. A few guys still caught feelings, but I didn’t date anyone long enough to break any hearts. I learned a lot about men as well as a lot about myself and what I liked.

I wish I’d done more exploration in my 20s. I never would have gotten married. But I’m happy I get to do it now.

meomeowmeoww · 2018-11-16T21:57:38+00:00

Ive always wanted the relationship route and i didnt get one until around your age.

kandyapplez · 2018-11-16T23:03:57+00:00

i started having sex at 15 and at that time i was just doing, not thinking.

[deleted] · 2018-11-16T23:15:02+00:00

I realized this in college :(.

The first time my ex cheated on me, I remember sitting in front of the college library, on my way to class, on my phone looking at the messages. I dumped him via text.

I tried to talk myself into seeing someone new that day. He doesn't know I tried this (because it was embarrassing). I found a guy, one of my roommate's drinking buddies. He had a crush on me and always wanted to say something but knew I had a BF. He was hot but white. My other roommate let me know when she saw me crying and skipping the rest of my classes that day. He came over. We were supposed to go out. It never went anywhere. It felt too wrong. It wasn't me. I was a virgin until I met my ex. He waited 2 years. He cheated on me and I dumped him via text. It took 2 years to build that up to a point of sex...

I don't know how people could just up and sleep with another person. I still can't fathom it.

SAC-Lawn_Gnome · 2018-11-16T20:48:49+00:00

No man should willingly sleep with a women. Hard pass

TheBookOfSeil · 2018-11-17T00:23:10+00:00

It was when I saw and experienced that meaningful relationships are worth more, and people who had casual, shallow relationships couldn’t avoid the drama that inevitably comes with them.

I’m not about that life.

ThisIsJustATr1bute · 2018-11-17T03:16:49+00:00

I wanted meaningful relationships, but had bad self esteem from a crazy childhood, so I didn’t realize I could just insist upon that and get it. So a couple times I got played. By the time I met my bf though, I was fine with telling a man before we had even met that I want marriage, kids, I go to church, etc.

Smilingmaria · 2018-11-17T05:44:47+00:00

Well my mom having me at 14 and basically pushing the “Don’t have sex because then you’ll get pregnant and your life will be ruined”. Now I did end up engaging in premarital sex, but it was with someone I had dated for like 3 years in my early collage years. Casual hook up always seemed like too big of a risk that it would “ruin my life” like my mother always drilled into my head. Plus I live next to one of the highest rated cities high in STDs, so you can never be too careful!

Tedesche · 2018-11-17T08:18:36+00:00

Since I was one of the people who made that suggestion, I’ll respond to clarify, but...does this really deserve a separate post? Couldn’t you have asked for clarification from people in your last one?

Whatever. The reason I personally suggested you “get out there” is because you were complaining about low self-esteem. One of the primary factors in the development and maintenance of low self-esteem is failure experiences. Early failure experiences reduce confidence in future success, and if success experiences don’t appear to contradict early failure experiences, their absence often gets taken as data by our minds, and effectively confirms the perceived validity of our past failures, even if we haven’t experienced more recent failures due to lack of trying.

So, when I said you should get out there and sleep with some women, it wasn’t a bid to get you to be promiscuous, just a recognition that you’re going to need to experience some successes in the dating world to “prove” your own value on the SMP to yourself. To be clear, I never meant to suggest that this was the only solution to that issue, it’s just that cognitive rejiggering of our own beliefs about ourselves without supporting experiential evidence is more difficult than with said evidence.

[deleted] · 2018-11-17T13:29:42+00:00

I just got out of my first relationship and it has made me realize that I'm not really a relationship-type right now. That doesn't mean I want to sleep around a lot but right now, I'd probably prefer it over another relationship. Anyway, you can always change your mind and go from casual sex to a relationship or vice-versa. It's not like you need to make a decision right now, just do what feels comfortable.

dicklord_airplane · 2018-11-17T15:10:22+00:00

When i was younger, i didn't have much choice. As a clueless 20 year old guy, you take what you can get. I was stoked to be getting head either way.

After college, i decided to be slutty for a while. Good times. Im really glad i had that opportunity while i was young. Im still there because i'm terrified of being totally open and vulnerable with women i respect.

decoy88 · 2018-11-17T15:38:55+00:00

I like sex.

I like women.

I like variety.

I dislike work unless it’s worthwhile.

Relationships are work.

Then I find someone who’s worthwhile.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2018-11-19T01:12:43+00:00

I decided at a young age (15,16) that I wanted to experiment sexually and see how I liked it.

I decided a few years later (17,18) that it wasn't really enjoyable and I wanted a meaningful relationship and love.

cxj · 2018-11-19T02:34:26+00:00

I didn’t really “decide it” or think or make plans and my promiscuity was years ago. Basically my first sexual experience was banging a girl from my friends circle who everyone was totally aware was in love with one of my best friends, who softly ignored her. Her friends approached me about officially dating her, and when I told them I was hesitant due to alpha friend they agreed and told me it was the smart choice to keep it casual and they were just asking me out of formality.

The pattern established then repeated throughout my twenties of most of my sex being fwb stuff. I also had a phase of frequent ons when my band was touring (I spent 8 months out of one year touring). It was either seal the deal in one night or not get laid ever, lol.

[deleted] · 2018-11-16T23:01:32+00:00

I didn't decide, I just followed what I wanted and noted what worked for me and what didn't.

Willow-girl · 2018-11-17T02:32:42+00:00

A couple days after I turned 16, I randomly decided I needed to lose my virginity. I called up a guy that had been on and off lusting after me for a year or two- he was like a 5/10 but I figured he'd been pretty consistent so he'd probably be able to lay decent pipe. Wrong. I wanted my first time to be with someone I wouldn't develop an emotional connection to because I didn't want to be alpha widowed (before I knew what that meant).

Sex was trash, he nutted twice in five minutes. No, he wasn't another 16 year old my age. He was a 20 something man thot. I was literally so mad at every man I looked at for the next couple weeks because I couldn't stop thinking about how horrible that situation was. He tried to text me the day after like "How are you?" I blocked him lmao.

But to answer the question: I never knew you had a choice. All I knew was I was single, no boy wanted to date me except for low value ones despite me being attractive (I know why, because I was insane lol), and I was uncontrollably horny all the time. After that first hookup I didn't even think about sex for like 3 months.

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