Q4Men: do you hate monogamy and long for polygyny? Do men resent having only one partner?

dakru · 2017-10-28T16:46:09+00:00

The enjoyment I'd gain from being able to have sex with other people on the side would easily be cancelled out by the pain of having my girlfriend be able to have sex with other people on the side. Of course I wouldn't encounter this problem if I was allowed to do it and she wasn't, but I can't think of any reasonable argument for why I should be allowed to do it but she can't.

Thus, monogamy.

[deleted] · 2017-10-28T16:40:57+00:00

I don't but who cares about what I think

pinkgoldrose · 2017-10-28T18:18:40+00:00

The end of polygyny should have appeased the incels. But they are still complaining they can't get their share of the sex pie.

prodigy2throw · 2017-10-28T19:00:35+00:00

I think if it was socially acceptable and financially feasible, most men would have multiple wives

EchoZeroEleven · 2017-10-28T19:03:52+00:00

No.

abaxeron · 2017-10-28T21:34:07+00:00

Nah, screw it. I've barely got enough fuel to keep one woman satisfied; and I've been happily out of dating scene for years now. Even if for some reason I had the desire to spice my life with variety, and managed to overcome the STD fear, I simply am not ready to spend that much money on women.

[deleted] · 2017-10-28T21:35:13+00:00

Salty-Bastard · 2017-10-28T22:34:30+00:00

One relationship at a time for me, maintaining two would just interfere with time for my other pursuits.

EsauTheRed · 2017-10-28T16:06:59+00:00

I love my marriage and even still, yes I resent not being able to practice polygyny

That's why I believe marriage has to either be for strictly spiritual people like myself or just a business deal

Casual secular marriage is just a bad idea

KrispyMcSockington · 2017-10-28T16:20:12+00:00

To me, I find this disgusting

If course you would. You are a woman. You never had to wander around with so much testosterone in your system that it's nudging you to sleep with as many people as possible. Step outside of your solipsism for a moment and consider that, to those men, monogamy is a one way ticket to sexual frustration while you score more out of the deal.

There are lots of men who would love to commit to a woman. But look at rich, powerful men. How many of them are committed to one woman, don't cheat or aren't attending coke orgies? Hell, men like that have been polygamous since forever. Men are not broken women. Polygamy is something they would maintain if they could. That is, if all the women they loved loved them back without them hating him or hating each other (ideal polygamy).

But he had to forgo his sexual strategy to convince a woman to sleep with him. She demands commitment (about as much as men demand sex and they treat it as men treat sex) and his desperation means he has little choice in the matter. Give men money and power, and monogamy is an option. Not a requirement. Again, not to say men cannot commit. But they are fighting their nature when they do.

can’t control themselves

You know, if women were told to control themselves this wouldn't go down well. When men want women who habe greater self control, they are accused of slut shaming or oppressing women. Why can men not enjoy their sexuality how they want it? Why must it serve women and the female imperative first? Imagine if women had to do so, they would be pissed off:

"I have to suck his dick, swallow, AND make him a sandwich even if I don't really like it?! I better call the local feminists to sort this shit out."

And they were. They freed themselves from any expectation that men placed on them while placing more on men. And men better not enjoy sex in a way they want to, those gross perverts.

Men are not women. They don't desire sex the way women do. Calling what they like gross is like calling what you like gross. You are only judging because it doesn't appeal to you, and how dare they not appeal to you.

EsauTheRed · 2017-10-28T16:21:41+00:00

I find many different women sexually attractive, I have sexual impulses toward many different women, but I am more often than not emotionally attached to one woman at a time, and I recognize monogamy as prudent and achievable as opposed to polygamy. I'm also interested in having a family and directly raising my own children, and this requires either monogamy or institutionalized polygamy.

Most guys cannot juggle multiple relationships without using deception, so they have this side chick that their main partner does not know about. It is only a matter of time until it comes out, it can't be done or else is highly risky when you have a LTR that you want to keep (marriage and children).

I don't think that polygamy is stable without social sanction, and that doesn't happen in Western culture, but people will experiment while they can and learn the lesson that it is not mutually beneficial to all parties involved through direct experience.

I think those expressions on TRP are just men trying to fit in with the TRP culture, it doesn't fully match up with my experience. You don't see these kinds of relationship configurations as people mature in adulthood, but I don't think it is necessarily wrong to pursue them while young, though this isn't what I've practiced.

cattermelon34 · 2017-10-28T16:25:49+00:00

There's a strong cultural influence on our views of monogamy and polygamy. Polygamy used to be completely ok (as long as men were in charge) in many cultures. That changed and now we live in a mainly monogamous society. I don't think there's an evolutionary reason for the twitch.

There's nothing inherently wrong with either. If one works for you and the other doesn't, that's totally fine. The only problem would be finding a partner who has the same expectations as you. With monogamy it's going to be easier.

That being said, there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting "side partners" and not wanting your partner to have them, as long as your partner is ok with that. As long as there's an agreement and everyone is happy it's not cheating. But this can also change. Our values change. You can be ok with monogamy/polygamy at one point in your life and that can change and that's ok.

FrontierPsycho · 2017-10-28T18:01:34+00:00

I'm a man, and polyamorous. I'd like to have more than one relationship if I happen to find multiple people to love, and I'm completely fine with them having other relationships as well. Anything else would be dishonest, unfair and childish of me.

On the other hand, not every man hates monogamy. I know monogamous people who feel comfortable being in one relationship, feeling jealous and having their partner feel jealous and protective of them, too.

So, my answer is: men fall in a spectrum. I believe a lot of men like monogamy, a lot of them don't. Unfortunately, since the mainstream stereotype is that anything other than monogamy is weird and unacceptable, there's potentially many people who would rather be non monogamous, but who are taught not to, and thus never explore it.

Of course, as I tried to point out before, non monogamy doesn't necessarily mean dishonesty and this harem situation that you described.

I still believe most people are monogamous, though, since it's so prevalent now. But non monogamy seems to be on the rise.

rulenumber303 · 2017-10-28T20:27:43+00:00

I think if we had it our way most men would have multiple partners. Since that's frowned upon some guys just go the multiple fwb route or keep a few secret side chicks around when in a relationship.

PieceBringer · 2017-10-28T17:25:35+00:00

Of course you find it disgusting, every view that is different from your beliefs makes you sick in the tummy.

Well I don't resent it, but as I can't see myself without touching another woman for the rest of my entire life, I'm single. The scary part is I'm not seeing myself coming with terms with it any time soon. Bring the shame "oh you're just not mature enough", etc...

wtknight · 2017-10-28T17:35:29+00:00

I like monogamy. While I also find other women besides my wife attractive, I don't feel the need to share my love with another person since I'm completely happy with my wife. If a man is completely happy with one person, I don't see why he'd want to be spending time with somebody else, although many men are more extroverted than I am so maybe I just don't see things the same way that they do.

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[deleted] · 2017-10-28T20:11:38+00:00

I'd much rather be in a long-term mutually beneficial relationship with a lot of sex. However, marriage/monogamy now a days doesn't seem to offer that. The sex dies off and the need to be 'on' constantly as the partner attempts to extract the maximum without giving is exhausting.

I'm not supposed to get more sex spinning plates. But I do.

FairlyNaive · 2017-10-28T20:37:59+00:00

Im ok with both, it mostly depends on the girl(s)

gasparddelanuit · 2017-10-28T21:02:28+00:00

I don’t believe that monogamy is natural for men, because it goes against their optimal mating strategy. I’m aware how much men struggle with it and the variety that they crave. Subsequently, I think that most men live in a state of cognitive dissonance if they accept the standard convention of monogamous relationships and live by its rules.

To make matters worse, most men don’t like the cloying emotional intimacy that modern women appear to crave. Men want greater, though not complete, emotional separation and autonomy in their relationships, as implied by Patrice O’Neil in the sketch below and the reaction of the men in the audience.

How Men Need Women To Stop Bothering Them

Of course, women want that emotional intimacy because it suits their mating strategy, in helping them mate guard, via emotional surveillance, and in giving them the assurance that a male is committed to helping them survive and raise their offspring. Security is probably what women value most from men. Sexual intimacy is what men value most from women. These are the competing mating strategies sometimes discussed by the RP.

DashneDK2 · 2017-10-29T00:21:13+00:00

Yes. I would prefer polygamy for me over monogamy. A society build on polygamy is another matter. Polygamy seems to have some extremely negative consequences for society. All cultures which practice polygamy are totally piece of shit cultures. In the Mid. East and Africa. On the other hand China seems to have taken up polygamy again, and is going the right direction. So maybe it can be done in a limited way in a modern society.

N0blesse0blige · 2017-10-29T02:51:45+00:00

From what I've seen women feel "time and resource cucked". The girlfriend of a friend of mine can't bear to even see money going out his account – to support his other child with his ex. On the other hand he has told me repeatedly that he became more attractive to women generally after having his first child with his now ex.

But I'm sure you're different..

On the happy side:

I can tell you honestly that I am a man who prefers monogamy (or at least still aspire to, and really used to). And I've had and am having plenty of casual sex. With girls I honestly and sincerely consider below my standard. 1 girl I really like > 100 below average/below my standard girls. But it remains to be seen if I manage to remain faithful when (if) I do end up in a serious relationship.

a_mans_perspective · 2017-10-29T05:22:56+00:00

Logically I know it's hypocritical to want to have multiple women in my life, since I would never accept my wife being with another dude. Yet the heart wants what it wants.

If they would all be cool and down with it and get along, I would have 3, maybe 4 wives and put them all on equal footing. I'd still love my original wife and not discard her, but I might be spread a little thin.

Whisper · 2017-10-29T07:02:14+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lin-a2lTelg

[deleted] · 2017-10-29T08:50:20+00:00

I dunno. Part of me would like a monogamous family but there’s also a part of me that just wants to be single and fuck women. I could probably be happy either way and I wouldn’t be resentful in a serious monogamous relationship (if we had kids at least).

[deleted] · 2017-10-29T15:19:32+00:00

Quite the opposite, I dislike how hard it often is to find monogamous relationships at least in my age bracket (early 20's).

[deleted] · 2017-10-29T19:53:39+00:00

80% of men prefer monogamy, and to settle down with one woman they genuinely like.

20% of men prefer to have as much casual sex as they can. That may include polygamy or having "side chicks".

It's literally that simple.

ConnorGracie · 2017-10-30T08:03:38+00:00

Why do women like dating men who already have girlfriends?

newName543456 · 2017-10-30T09:31:26+00:00

do you hate monogamy

More like "hate societal pressures acting like monogamy is the only way".

I don't hate the concept, but find it unworkable.

long for polygyny

my individual preferences are irrelevant.

Workable options are either de facto polygyny or celibacy.

WordSequences · 2017-10-30T22:45:22+00:00

I'm somewhat interested in having multiple children with multiple women that all are committed to me. I only want it if they want it though. I might also be happy being childless with one woman.

JaneOfplane · 2017-10-28T16:12:12+00:00

Evolution wise, men want to fuck and impregnate as many women as they can, to better spread their dna. Women want one guy because it's a higher chance of raising their offspring to adulthood because his extra resources go to their child, and theirs alone.

Of course there are minority cases, but polygamy is most commonly one man, and many women rather than one woman and many men in the relationship.

This isn't a very happy or nice answer, but I'm just trying to explain the reasons behind it for those that don't understand why men are naturally apt to try to reproduce as much as possible, and women are naturally the selectors.

Tl:Dr A species is better off with one side trying to breed anything, with the other being more selective about what goes into the gene pool.

WhiskersNT · 2017-10-28T17:34:22+00:00

I had a few months where I had two girlfriends, they knew each other, they dated each other, we took trips together, etc and it was amazing. I don’t think that sort of setup is really practical on a society wide scale and it’s so socially disfavored that I can’t really see myself doing it in any kind of permanent arrangement, but hey I’m glad I had the experience. It was a lot of fun

Title	Q4Men: do you hate monogamy and long for polygyny? Do men resent having only one partner?
Author	ggbeauty
Upvotes	14
Comments	169
Date	October 28, 2017 4:00 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/79av9a/q4men_do_you_hate_monogamy_and_long_for_polygyny/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4men-do-you-hate-monogamy-and-long-for-polygyny.265153 https://theredarchive.com/post/265153

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