Alright PPD, let's see how this goes. Question for anyone: how much do you want to hear about your date's exes? What kind of information do you want to know? What should not be talked about?

wtknight · 2017-02-14T13:16:56+00:00

I don't want to hear about my wife's exes, although I know how many that she has. She doesn't want to hear about mine, although she knows how many I've had. Once in a while I talk too much about mine just because I get obsessed with the past, and she always gets a bad look on her face, so I try to avoid it. She never volunteers any information about hers anymore, although she mentioned the basics back when we were just dating. Neither of us mention anything sexual.

goatismycopilot · 2017-02-14T13:42:47+00:00

I rarely if ever discuss exe's especially on the first few dates when I am getting to know them. I might mention it in a context of the conversation if it is relevant. If somebody talks about their exes a lot on a date I zone out and lose interest. It makes me think they are still stuck in the past.

Sunhappy_DC · 2017-02-14T14:36:15+00:00

LOL my date's exes??

I want to know which ones he had a serious relationship with and those that he was previously in love with.

I then analyze to death all the possible scenarios of how this old bitch could potentially fuck up my current situation and then I prepare accordingly.

If she was hot, I will work my ass off to be hotter. All the time. No starches, no carbs, exercise or IF daily, and wear his favorite things.
If she was submissive, I'd be the Queen of Submissive bitches.
If she cooked 2x a week, I'd cook whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

And so forth? I hate this about myself and sometimes it's kind of a chore but I do it anyway. Why? Because it doesn't matter how many bitches a man gets with (I don't really care about exes)....the bitch you really have to worry about is the last woman who had his heart. Usually, men will find one girl that he falls for and good or bad, she will set the standard for all future relationships for him.

So to get him to commit, you'd have to be better or overshadow her good and long enough that now YOU are the standard.

I'm not a very competitive person but when it comes to love, i'm kind of obsessive.

BluePiller1776 · 2017-02-14T14:44:02+00:00

The absolutely most valuable thing a guy can tell you is that all his exes are crazy, because it tells you so, so, much about him.

I definitely agree, you can learn a lot about a potential partner this way. I do enjoy getting this info before I start getting serious with someone, but this is definitely not first date talk if you ask me lol

GinSmokeLies · 2017-02-14T15:19:48+00:00

I don't care if they mention them in passing when it's relevant to the conversation, but making comparisons all the time ("You don't want to do X? But my ex did it all the time...") would be a red flag.

My boyfriend and I have talked about past relationships and why they ended. It wasn't an ex-bashing "Ugh my ex is such an asshole and I'm an innocent victim" thing; I think we're both able to acknowledge when and where we were the problem in past relationships. We both also have one ex we're still friends with, and that's not a problem for either of us.

hauswyfetechno · 2017-02-14T17:13:36+00:00

Me and my gf talk about our respective exes all the time. It's interesting and as OP says tells you a lot about the other person. I don't understand the aversion most of the people here seem to have to talk of exes.

buartha · 2017-02-14T17:46:51+00:00

I don't mind hearing a little, just enough to know he doesn't badmouth them all (which is a massive red flag to me.) Beyond that I only want to hear salient facts like 'I have a child with that person' as I prefer to think of my partner as mine.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-02-14T13:24:18+00:00

I almost wouldn't want to know, because that's who I'm competing with, and who they could potentially leave me for.

However... patterns repeat, so knowing the kinds of guys she's been with would also tell me what my chances are realistically of staying with her.

Aaren_Augustine · 2017-02-14T13:26:54+00:00

General things, its fine. Specific often means shit test.

find myself to be 50% responsible

This is general, and good info.

"You probably don't want to know this, but my ex had a huge penis and it hurt the next day every time we had sex."

At that point, I get the sense respect is an illusive concept to such a woman. At that point, they are just waiting to see if "I'm intimidated" by her strong and independent vagina.

Women talk indirectly, so for them to be so forward, it's a turn off and a clear indication she should be avoided.

squidracer · 2017-02-14T13:38:20+00:00

Usually if I'm dating someone that talks to much about their ex's I let them know I don't care.

Or I simply ghost them.

Nothing more irritating then playing therapist while on a date. It's always the same problems anyway (usually her)

hakosua · 2017-02-14T14:29:11+00:00

http://www.glamour.com/story/this-just-in-men-prefer-women

Could this be a side effect of supply and demand?

I do agree with the RP that, where I live at least, the heterosexual dating scene is skewed so as to provide women with more options up-front. This means that they can usually afford to be more selective in the initial stages of relationships.

If the job market is rough, the risks of being fired become more salient; prospective employees will therefore understandably worry more about job security. It therefore also makes sense to me that a straight man would tend to be more concerned by whether or not his new girlfriend is prone to breaking up with people: they're prioritizing security over status.

This might also be why, in my experience, guys with high SMV behave more like the RP stereotype of women, pursuing girls harder when the girls appear less invested in securing a long-term commitment.

They do not want to hear why I find myself to be 50% responsible and instead prefer a narrative where there is a clear villain.

I think there's a difference between appearing uncomfortable in the moment and actually being turned off by something. A balanced and nuanced opinion about a past relationship is uncomfortable in the moment because it tends to involve more talking than a simple "bitches be crazy" and because it forces the listener to sit with ambiguity. If you just go off facial expressions, I probably look more comfortable listening to a red-flag bitches-be-crazy summation of past relationship failures. But, if you go off whom I choose to go on a second date with, it's the guys who talk about past relationships with more nuance and less obvious blame-shifting.

prodigy2throw · 2017-02-14T14:45:17+00:00

I honestly don't want to hear anything unless it's about how much better I am than them.

InformalCriticism · 2017-02-14T14:55:06+00:00

Succinct facts are fine. Emotional storytelling is for human tampons.

GaiusScaevolus · 2017-02-14T15:25:54+00:00

I'd want to know basics, How many, Any crazies I should know about, and Why'd they break up.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-02-14T16:10:30+00:00

I don't have any exes, but I have a love/hate "relationship" hearing about the sex life my bf previously had. Fwiw, I don’t mind listening to his stories of how he was a jerk sometimes or how they were bitches other times. It's pretty typical for relationships to not be perfect.

On one hand, I like hearing about times he was happy and having fun, as well as learning what he did/didn't do with them. Ironically, despite his plethora of other partners they were all pretty much "vanilla" so a lot of his firsts were with me. (I find this amusing, to say the least.) But on the other hand, it always makes me slightly jealous that he's had partners other than me. I'd kinda like to have more sexual experience too, but the idea of delving into the dating world just doesn't seem like it's a good place to be...

EchoZeroEleven · 2017-02-14T16:14:32+00:00

I feel both ways. One one hand, don't tell me that shit, I don't care to know how cool they were, it makes me feel like I can't measure up.

On the other hand, it makes me competitive as fuck, and I want to win and prove I'm fucking awesome. So maybe I do want to hear about them.

I dunno.

super-commenting · 2017-02-14T17:11:01+00:00

They only thing I want to hear about your ex's is how much better I am.

That's not to say I want a girl to lie to me. If a girl doesn't genuinely think I'm way better than any of her ex's then I don't want to date her.

Carkudo · 2017-02-14T17:51:30+00:00

There was that one time a gold-digging girl tried to leech off of my because I have my own place, but she wasn't a good actress and refused to actually do much to convince me she's into me. Anyway, her being a bad actress meant she would often reminisce about her alpha exes (she was herself pretty hot) and do so in such a way as to make feel completely out of place and inferior. Obviously, I dropped her ass very quickly.

On the other hand, the woman I'm currently with also talks about her exes. Hell, we actually hung out with one the other day. She is totally chill about it, the ex was totally chill and it didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I didn't feel like I was being compare to anyone, nor did I feel the inclination to compare myself to that person.

Make of that what you will.

yo_radical_one · 2017-02-14T21:42:15+00:00

In general I would never ask and I wouldn't ever think about it. If she'd had a bad experience and wanted to discuss it, I would listen. If she brags about how much she gets hit on and what her options are/were it's a hard next for mentioning it.

Wolfsouls · 2017-02-14T21:46:30+00:00

I really don't care. I just want to know that there were indeed exes in the past, because that means the person is capable of forming and maintaining sexual relationships.

wombatinaburrow · 2017-02-14T22:39:39+00:00

That they exist, and anything particularly relevant to me is fine. Beyond that I'm not really interested.

NinjaSpartanZX · 2017-02-14T13:37:32+00:00

I don't care to hear anything, but if a girl asks me more than 3 times I'm out!

Princeso_Bubblegum · 2017-02-14T15:10:49+00:00

idk, I wouldn't care, I would see it at them telling me a tale or adventure, great way to bond actually

UA_Hammer · 2017-02-14T15:11:56+00:00

The absolutely most valuable thing a guy can tell you is that all his exes are crazy, because it tells you so, so, much about him. I have found that (for me) this is not the case in reverse. People do not want to hear balanced, sane, opinions about exes. They do not want to hear why I find myself to be 50% responsible and instead prefer a narrative where there is a clear villain.

Huh. I guess when that ex destroyed all of her belongings, attacked me, and threatened to hang herself or throw herself off the roof when I dumped her really was sane after all

sunkindonut149 · 2017-02-14T15:18:36+00:00

I wouldn't care actually and when I was dating a guy I hung out with his ex until she found out that I was dating the guy and she flipped out for some reason. That sucks. People are so paranoid n shit.

LewisCross · 2017-02-14T15:27:11+00:00

A date's ex-BFs?

If it's just a date, I don't want to hear ANYTHING about her exes.

If it's just fucking, I don't want to hear ANYTHING about her exes.

If we're getting serious, I want to know, and am entitled to know, EVERYTHING about her exes. I'm entitled to know whatever I want to know about this woman who is demanding that I invest my entire life, my money, my time, my effort and my resources.

Entropy-7 · 2017-02-14T16:37:00+00:00

It's one of those discussions I don't engage in until we've been dating for a while.

The absolutely most valuable thing a guy can tell you is that all his exes are crazy, because it tells you so, so, much about him.

If a guy only dates crazy women, wouldn't that say something about you? :-)

I've had a mixed bag. Sometimes things run their course, had a couple of crazies, ONSs where you don't bother to re-initiate contact: no clear villains, generally.

In terms of the link, I suppose it makes sense that if a girl was the dumpee rather than the dumper, then there is a perception of a reduced chance for the new guy to get dumped. Regardless of who dumped who, as always, a high R-count/N-count is something of a red flag.

IIHotelYorba · 2017-02-14T19:20:27+00:00

Haha. I have this whole thing I do where I try to show women I won't judge them and get them to tell me as much about their past love lives as possible. There are a lot of things that are embarrassing, complicated, hard to describe, or socially unacceptable to talk about, and those are the things I believe give real insight into female psychology.

Plus if you are trying to destroy your ego/raise your self efficacy, hearing about all these dudes definitely helps. (And after years of cold approach I could talk to any woman about anything basically indefinitely.)

Merger-Arbitrage · 2017-02-15T05:26:40+00:00

As an LTR seeking male? (Married currently, but if I had to do it again?):

My "date's" exes? Meaning it's like the 1st-4th outing for a couple? Probably very little. I might want to hear very briefly why she broke up with her last ex to make sure its really over. No bullshit games.

As things get more serious, I wouldn't mind knowing why she broke things off with previous exes, because that could provide insight into her mentality and/or personality. Those break-ups can shape who she is via how she thinks about these things.

lollygagyo · 2017-02-15T09:31:05+00:00

I don't really mind hearing about partners' exes (I've slept with my husband's last 'great love' so...uh, yeah. We've talked about her a fair bit, haha).

I talk about one of my exes a lot because he's still in my life in very close friend capacity, and usually my new partners wind up becoming friends with him.

Otherwise, I talk about exes where they are relevant (usually because a story is too hilarious not to tell) and not otherwise.

People do not want to hear balanced, sane, opinions about exes. They do not want to hear why I find myself to be 50% responsible and instead prefer a narrative where there is a clear villain.

I think people find this extra funny, but they do also appreciate it when you're self-aware and take some of the blame. Esp if you're dating them. I know I really appreciate this with guys.

EsauTheRed · 2017-02-18T06:20:32+00:00

Everything.

Eastuss · 2017-02-14T12:58:10+00:00

I'm curious of everything, I don't care, even sexual details. I'm a bit sad if there's obvious sign of superiority from her exes, but curiosity beats it.

My wife is absolutely allergic to any mention of my exes, the total contrary.

Ercole-- · 2017-02-14T17:13:50+00:00

The absolutely most valuable thing a guy can tell you is that all his exes are crazy, because it tells you so, so, much about him.

Yeah, it tells you that he gives unearned power over himself to women. In the words of the Eagles: she can't take you anywhere you don't already know how to go. Are they all crazy, or is there something wrong with him?

They do not want to hear why I find myself to be 50% responsible and instead prefer a narrative where there is a clear villain.

That you're responsible is exactly what I hear when you tell me how bad all your exes are.

Me and my wife discussed exes at length. I didn't have anything but casual partners previously because I did the LTR correctly the first time, and she had a few and explained what she did wrong and what she learned. That's why I married her.

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