I'm sure this has been posted before but I'm weighing in from a more personal experience about why this matters. Essentially society has taught women to be extremely passive-aggressive and it's stunted many of us in our ability to communicate and negotiate as adults, especially about our sexual needs. We hate being demanding and we're quick to write off the things we want to tell our partners as unnecessary before they even leave our mouths. We're also quick to apologize and retract our demands when men pout about it. So here's the scoop, when the sex topic comes up, tell them what you need from them outright. What you want in the average session, what it might take for you to orgasm, your deal breakers, etc.My guidelines for example are:

  1. The rule of mutuality: Don't ever ask me of anything that you would not also do for me, and expect that you will return the favor
  2. Oral is a must: I can't orgasm without it. If you're not the type of guy to put his mouth where I need it, why should I even bother with you?

etc.Set these guidelines BEFORE the sex has happened, but not too soon where it's awkward to talk about. You'll know when the right time is. If he puts up an argument or shoots down your requests, dump him. on. the. spot. I'm not kidding. If you say ", so here's what I need out of sex and what I'd like you to be open to," and you just get ", ew" or "That's way too much," etc. DUMP HIM. DITCH HIM. GOODBYE. Don't waste your time with a man that won't care for your needs. I'm not saying he has to be a slave to you in the bedroom, but if you NEED certain things sexually and he refuses to do them, just ever, there's no point in staying together.So let's say he agrees, he's willing to anticipate your needs and expectations when the time comes. Great. When the sex happens, think over it again. Did he remember your requests? Was he unselfish and put pleasing you first? No. Okay, dump him. Anyone that says dumping a person over sex is petty, has never had their needs neglected for months or years on end and cried and asked what was wrong with their body, etc. Bad sex can cause absolute misery and heartbreak. You don't need that stuff.

See the thing is we often blur the lines on this stuff. We say "well he'll figure it out" or "in time he'll warm up to that stuff". But when you communicate clear guidelines and they aren't followed, there is no excuse. His failure to care for your needs is simple and undeniable.

I say this because I've had partners be just immensely selfish and made so so many excuses for why I was so unhappy in the bedroom. At one point I outright told a partner after taking his virginity that he'd failed to listen to me when I'd voiced my needs and he'd promised he would. He cried. and I forgave him like an idiot. And listen if he stopped me before doing everything for him and said "wait I'm not ready for this part yet and to give it to you" I would have let that shit go. But this selfish dumbass had me spoil him every kind of way and then couldn't even give it back despite all the lies and false promises. Not okay. I should have let his pathetic ass just cry and dumped him. That is some real queen shit ladies. Tell a guy outright, the sex blew and he's no longer worth your time and dump. him. right. there. Such a power move. So bad ass. and so much better for your own happiness.