How to explain that he should pay?

Owl-right · 2020-07-30T05:08:31+00:00

If you have to waste any breath on the topic, he's not the one. He should just do it effortlessly without discussion.

jszly · 2020-07-30T05:52:36+00:00

I’ve never had a man over 30 “make” or suggest I pay. Your friends men are doing that cus they let them. Personally, I don’t argue and I don’t persuade. Feminist or not.. men are to court women.
- Broke men only mention feminism when it comes to opening their wallet. They don’t care about the tampon tax, maternity leave, if you are treated fairly at work, or anything else. - If he asks you out, you’re attractive enough. (.also seems like the root of your issue is self esteem tbh why do you keep saying you’re not beautiful???) The prize is you , and he didn’t win it just by having you sit at dinner with him. I can’t advise dealing with broke men. If he can’t afford to meet your standards he’s not the right one. You need to be looking for a different type of man. you can’t convince cheap men to do anything to be uncheap. If he won’t pay for a meal there’s a lot of other stuff he’ll never do for you.

CounterCharacter7663 · 2020-07-30T05:56:47+00:00

[deleted]

heleninthealps · 2020-07-30T06:09:27+00:00

I'm over 30 and only dating men over 30. Here in Germany we are famous for going "Dutch" still 9/10 men never ask me to pay and the few that has said "split the bill" when the waitress asks are instantly friendzoned. Spoiler: Friendzoned automatically leads to block and delete after 30min.

You should not explain that he should pay. Or even start talking about it. Even if it's a HWM I bet the man would feel pretty frikkin uncomfortable if the lady at his table starts her "So, now when the bill has arrived, here are the reasons why you should pay since you are a man". Nope.

Here's what I do: BEFORE he asks for the bill, I lean in, in a seductive way, or if we are sitting next to each other put my hand on his forearm gently, smile and say very softly "Thank you for the dinner, I've had a really nice evening" and then keep smiling and having eye contact.

Without saying the actual words I've already stated that this dinner is on him and that I appriciate that. Unless he's a total fuckhead or broke, all men would not want to take away your feeling of appreciation of them, because it gives them an ego boost and they want to ride on that wave.

sewingmachinesavior · 2020-07-30T05:10:55+00:00

If it happens at the date you pay, and then block/delete.

I am dating the over 30 crowd, and not once have I been asked to pay. I have paid twice, for what seemed like a reasonable reason at the time, but in hindsight, they were willing to pay and I should have let them.

But I also have always (even pre FDS) felt like a man should pay for dates, so I’ve always had that expectation.

chateauduchat · 2020-07-30T06:12:53+00:00

Don't be concerned about the opinions of men who you are just dating. The dates I used to go on I would gauge the conversations of the men beforehand, to avoid this situation and likelihood of a 50/50 relationship. I tended to go towards men who were polite and gentlemanly, who maybe had more traditional ways of courting women, whose pictures they looked well groomed. I would only go on dates if a man I was interested and he specifically stated the word, "would you like to go on a date and eat at so-and-so restaurant?" This is a restaurant in which I would dress very nicely, and classy for. When the bill arrives, do not be shuffling around, not even pretending to look around for your wallet. You can say something polite along the lines of, "Thank you for the wonderful dinner. I'm am grateful for it."

Should the situation arise, you can reply:

"Oh, splitting the bill? Do you prefer we be friends then?"

"Oh, I am not a liberal feminist."

Or have a nice laugh and play dumb fox. "I'm sorry? / Come again? / Oh, I'm apologies, I thought this was a date. I've never had to a pay my half for a date before..."

Then again, I am not averse to making men feel uncomfortable. If he is insistent, he is LVM. Pay your half, and then block.

jackrusselterror1 · 2020-07-30T06:15:19+00:00

You don’t explain anything- if he demands a split bill, you pay for your share but delete his contact and block afterwards. He failed the vetting so naturally you’re going to move on. Don’t teach him to be better for the next woman, he isn’t going to listen or change and it’s a waste of breath.

Men (and women) spend money on what they value. They invest in what matters to them- if $30 is too pricy for them to handle when it comes to wooing a life partner, then that’s not what they’re after with you.

I’m curious- can FDS people who regularly run into this problem with men while dating share the country they live in and the ages of the guys that pull this? I’m wondering if it’s a trend by location and generation. Mine is Midwest (America), men ages 24-34, and only one man has ever pulled this (age 28) out of roughly 50 men I’ve had first dates with.

CalceatedContessa · 2020-07-30T05:54:59+00:00

Easy, you don’t. If he invited you on the date, he should not be asking to split end of question. I’ve never been asked to split, in fact even when the waiter/waitress brings the check they always give it to my date or place it on his end of the table. So I’d imagine it being extremely awkward for the guy to even try to bring it up.

That being said, IF I were to ever be asked on the spot about splitting I’d probably say something along the lines of “This is the way I was raised, my father always takes care of my mother. And my ideal partner would do the same.” - which is true, I don’t think my moms ever actually pays for dinner when we go out to eat as a family, my stepdad always took care of it. But I like that phrase (or some variation of that) because 1) It lets him know you’re used to having high standards and 2) Will weed ‘em out real quick.

peaka25 · 2020-07-30T05:48:07+00:00

I don't think this requires an argument or debate with a man. That would speak volumes if a man not only wants to split the bill, but is willing to argue about it. He should just know better already. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'm at the point where I'd split the bill if it was really an issue (I'd never offer it up), but that'd be the end of it and I wouldn't see him again. It should just come naturally to him. Pre-FDS I would always offer and most men (who ended up not going anywhere) INSISTED on paying and wouldn't have let me. That's the only type of man you really want to deal with. The ones who let me split it always ended up being duds who were never really interested.

onlyamelia · 2020-07-30T06:01:09+00:00

Do not waste your breath on men like this. They KNOW, they’re just not doing it.

Pasdepromesses · 2020-07-30T09:39:03+00:00

I totally agree with all the comments here. Do not argue and just pay for your part. Block and delete when you get home.

I also wanted to add that not paying is very feminist. Because our whole society is not equal, we need equity and not equality. The moment there's no wage gap, men are doing 50% of the child rearing and chores and we are treated in a truly equal way mentally, emotionally, physically and financially I would be happy to pay for my dinner.

But that ain't the case. I am a 33 year old woman with 2 graduate degrees a lot of work experience and 200% dedication and I had to fight really upsettingly hard for my raises and promotions. In comes a guy fresh out of college and I learn that he earns more than me. I left my former job when that happened and went to a company that almost doubled my salary.

My little brother who's 5 years younger didn't even finish college (still attending in the evenings) also works in the same business sector and his first job earned 300 euros more than my second. He also got promoted within a year and earns more than 500 euros a month than I did at that age with higher degrees and more work experience. I see this all the time in corporate life. Even my exes who attended community college had double my salary.

I am really happy for my brother, because he also worked very hard to be were he's now and I'm super proud. But it goes to show that things are not equal.

Because of this, its easier for men to rent their own place, buy their own houses, have better credit scores, pay of they student loan easier, and so on. And one way men can make up for it is showing that they value us and like to take us out for a nice evening once in a while.

We don't need equality in the dating scene, we need equity until things are equal everywhere.

Edit: and for all the lurkers who cannonball into the 'if you want physical equality you should do heavy labour jobs', THINK AGAIN. Women already give birth to children because our body is made to do this job. Men are stronger so they should do the heavy lifting. Their body is made to do that job. That's a form of equality too. What I mostly meant by physical equality is beauty standards.

Alma00019 · 2020-07-30T12:32:36+00:00

My view is that you have to accept people as they are.

A 30 year old dude with an allegedly stable job who is making his 20 year old college student date pay for her meal is a LOSER and will not stop being a loser no matter how many times you try to explain to him that the man should pay on that date. Even if he begrudgingly pays on that date, he will not want to pay on other dates. That's just who he is.

The best thing to do is to go out with guys who aren't complete losers. Trust me there are tons of men even under 30 who will pay. I've never been asked to pay for my meal.

_tinyimp · 2020-07-30T06:17:27+00:00

If for some reason your date specifically asks your reasoning behind the man paying for the bill, you could either jokingly say ‘chivalry is dead I guess’ or ‘if you don’t understand on your own, then clearly we are already incompatible’. Either way pay for your half of the tab and block them after the date. You aren’t his teacher, or his mom, or google.

If you really must argue though, you could say that you respect a man that is generous, willing to show that he is invested in you, and can provide for you. You aren’t incapable of providing for yourself, but you need someone who can take care of you if you were to have children. Even if you don’t want kids, the guy might feel awkward trying to defend why a man shouldn’t provide for his family lmao so it would end the convo?

jesza09 · 2020-07-30T08:02:47+00:00

You don’t say anything, if a man attempts to make you pay then you pay and never see him again

Abderral · 2020-07-30T09:06:55+00:00

do.not.pay just say you left your wallet at home or smt like that, if he tries to argue, tell him he invited you and not the other way around so he should have planned well, thank him for the meal and skoot.

2020-07-30T10:53:00+00:00

If a man isn't a gentleman, you don't try to fix him, you leave him.

Feminism is about women setting their own standard for being treated well and if he can't do it, he isn't the one for you.

By paying for first dates man proves his character, that he cares about you and will treat you well - that he is a generous person.

Especially if he invited you out. Your company is a privilege, not a 50/50 deal.

sisterofnarcissus · 2020-07-30T10:23:40+00:00

You shouldn’t explain

loudest_gusset · 2020-07-30T16:17:30+00:00

I thank them before the bill comes. That way I've subtly told them I'm not paying. If they still ask to split, then I pay and leave. If they get nasty about it, I have gone to the bathroom and left them with the bill. Thankfully that has only happened twice in my life.

Jinxhourglass · 2020-07-30T10:51:23+00:00

You shouldn’t explain. Block and delete. Don’t even explain it to your friends that willingly pay half in case they try to change your mind or make you feel bad. If they ask, say you weren’t that interested in him.

merigoround1996 · 2020-07-30T14:20:08+00:00

You don’t tell them. It’s assumed they will pay. Don’t take your card out or even act like you’re interested in paying OP. If you don’t get a second date, good riddance to a cheapskate

Wait__No__What · 2020-07-30T13:21:38+00:00

I have NEVER paid for a date in my life, nor will I. First off, I can't even conceive of how that conversation even takes place.

If you've had a man tell you to pay for your own meal, how did he do it? What did he say?

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-07-30T15:57:36+00:00

I'll put it this way...I wouldn't tell him anything. I'd watch his actions. If he says he wants me to pay, I'll pay my half and that will be the last time I'll see him.

purasangria · 2020-07-30T17:25:22+00:00

Please read the handbook before posting further. This is covered.

Title	How to explain that he should pay?
Author	HammyLet
Upvotes	28
Comments	31
Date	July 30, 2020 12:57 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i0clyg/how_to_explain_that_he_should_pay/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-explain-that-he-should-pay.719798 https://theredarchive.com/post/719798

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