Help

West-Cook · 2021-04-16T17:53:07+00:00

In the wake of my last break up, I kept a notes document on my phone where I would type up anything I wanted to text my ex. It would be really cathartic to get it all out in text and hit the center in my brain that wanted to get all that out there, without the ability to accidentally hit send. It took some time, but I gradually found myself going there less and less as I found myself getting distracted by other things.

Don’t forget to block your ex in your phone.

NotSoBunny · 2021-04-16T17:41:48+00:00

Go running every time you get the urge. Write a list of all the BS. Focus on the bad. Change your number and all other contact info. Block where you can.

wordy_fries · 2021-04-16T17:47:07+00:00

Since you're in grad school, maybe everytime you get the urge to text/call, read a research paper or two

msromperstomper · 2021-04-16T19:55:18+00:00

I read your previous post. I am going through this right now.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

What I suspect is that you spent enormous amounts of time and energy arranging your life around this guy. So now that he's not there? You have all the time on your hands and you don't know what to do with yourself. The only thing that has worked for me is distraction. Should you be leveling up? Sure. But like everyone else has said, you're going through withdrawal so take it easy on yourself. Watch ALL the Nextflix docuseries. Catch up on sleep. Go for long walks if you can. Throw yourself into work. Remember, this emptiness you feel right now is temporary. You did the right thing. Nothing is lonelier than being in a one-side relationship.

carmen_sandiegos_hat · 2021-04-16T18:08:27+00:00

Unless you have his number memorized, it should be quite easy to delete it from everywhere and never have that urge again because you don't know it.

Whatever browser you use should have extensions where you can block certain keywords or pages. Block any social media you know of him or Google searches that you might do.

I don't know where your grad school is or if it is online, hybrid due to COVID, etc. Regardless, I would see if I could move to a new apartment that way I would not have memories of him. If you cannot do that, paint a wall a different color, get new furniture, give away furniture.

Do things to get you in a new mindset and get rid of any and all of the stuff that reminds you of him. I know some dating coaches will say keep it which is not smart. When I am sick, I wash my sheets and my clothes and get rid of anything that reminds me of my sickness so I can move on. Makes sense to do the same.

Only_Lime2520 · 2021-04-16T20:11:35+00:00

In my experience, my compulsion came in waves. I recently JUST came off an episode where I cried until I scratched my eyes out, literally, since I went to the emergency room and my optometrist confirmed that I had a few missing tissues in my left eye.

So what can you do to avoid the waves?I. Before the wave hits I notice that I had a few quaint moments of euphoric recalling (I would remember the good times and the sensory experiences during those times). This is the time to actively rewrite the memory and call it out for what it is; that he was just future faking you, that he was gaining brownie points for sex, that he was only consuming the experience contributed solely by you, that you were still alone in that relationship. ACTIVELY fight the good memories. Forget about "treasure the time we had together" bullshit, that'll have you trauma bonded for longer.

It doesn't feel like a lot of effort now, but you are diligent, this will come to play WHEN the wave hits.

II. WHEN the wave hits, this is when it's already too late to rewrite anything. You know the feeling, like you said yourself you can't stop the feeling. However, something that I remembered that helped me tremendously in those moments:

a/ That EVERY minute when I don't call him, message him Or act on that feeling counts. When the wave hits, you live by the minutes, or even sometimes, by the seconds. AND every second counts, congratulate yourself, celebrate yourself every time you don't act on it. I understand it feels nasty, and you DO need to recognize that you are feeling nasty, so sit in that feeling, give it a few seconds. But don't call him.

b/ Go to your support system. Call them. Your parents, sisters, friends, those who know the true version of the story and can help you reinforce that he wasn't right for you.

III. After the wave hits, when that missing him feeling subsides, double down on taking care of yourself and let you recover. Ask yourself what you want to taste now? smell now? see now? Reliven your senses and live in the present. Congratulate yourself for having survived it. Another wave will hit soon, but each will be less intense than the one prior, which is why you need to resume doing I. in case it hits again.

I have lived so far through 6, 7 times of this. After the 4th time, I didn't act on calling him and the wave got substantially less intense. I have no doubt you will survive this too!! ALL THE BEST <3

companyofwolves · 2021-04-16T19:06:41+00:00

Getting a new number or getting rid of your phone is not really going to help you, because they are not actually treating the disease. They are a symptom of Pickmeishaisis. What you need to do is work on learning to say no to those urges because you want to, because you think you're worth more than being some scrote's picked gf.

Just tell yourself 'no'. That's it. You don't have to rationalize it. Be your own firm but fair parent: no. No you can't have a texting conversation. No you can't look at him on social media. No you are going to concentrate on other things.

NO is very powerful. Spend time with it. Get to know it.

2021-04-16T19:07:33+00:00

[deleted]

companyofwolves · 2021-04-16T20:36:05+00:00

Are you actually committed to leveling up? If so, then you will do whatever it takes to go no contact until these feelings subside.

- make a list of all the ways he was shitty to you; read it every time you think of him

- think of something disgusting every time he pops into your head; after a while, you won't be able to think of him without feeling ill

- block him on everything

- seek therapy

- stop wallowing. Whenever you feel sad, go for a jog or put on your headphones and dance to a song you like.

You're currently in a cycle where you're a bit addicted to how bad you feel, and you falsely believe that he's the solution when he is, in fact, the cause. You need to break out of it.

AnniaT · 2021-04-16T18:28:47+00:00

You need to block him from everything and delete his number (or do you know his number in your head?) If you have the urge to text him, text a friend or family instead or call someone who is positive to your life.

DallasOMalley · 2021-04-16T18:35:41+00:00

I found it really helpful to make a list of all the crappy, hurtful things my ex did, and also included red flags. Basically, anything that made me feel sad, angry, stressed, or uncomfortable during the relationship went on that list. Then I'd read it any time I started to feel nostalgic or wish I could talk to him. When I was reminded of how awful he was, that squelched my urge to talk to him.

Please know that if you're still emotionally attached to him, reading such a list will probably be painful at first. That's normal; you're reframing the relationship and getting a more global view of things when you do this, and that's a challenging process. This option isn't going to immediately ease your pain, but over time it may help disrupt the feeling that you need him specifically as a fix.

level_up_always · 2021-04-16T20:59:44+00:00

other people have given great suggestions on the actual logistics but in addition i'd like to recommend the limerence and exnocontact subreddits browsing those helps break the spell when in a moment of weakness.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2021-04-17T01:34:01+00:00

Its sounds like what you are experiencing is peptide addition. Its the cells in you body craving the rush of hormones that are linked to the NVM. These are usually a cocktail of stress hormones and dopamine which creates a particularly addictive cocktail. This is basically what trauma bonding is and why its really hard for women to leave abusive relationships.

There is hope tho! I find that once you can get an objective perspective on that's happening (you are having withdrawals from a drug your body created) and your cells (hormone receptors) actually retain a small amount that is released to give you the feeling of a craving and drive you to sort out more, (the urge to call him which will only grant u temporary happy feeling followed by a fight or something upsetting and bam! you brain is pumping out the cocktail again)

So after a few waves of cravings they will subside and you will feel clearer and calmer and will have passed a milestone in you recovery from him. Try substituting him with spoiling yourself, pampering, a hot bath if you have one releases the same chemicals in your brain that you get when you hug another human so can be really safe way to let your body feel comforted. You can do this!

severnicle · 2021-04-16T21:13:43+00:00

That sounds really tough :( Be kind to yourself. Have you thought about keeping a diary and writing about how you feel each day? You can go back and read older entries and notice how things change from day to day. Perhaps you'll notice that some days hurt more? Or that each day hurts a bit less? Maybe you could write yourself a really compassionate letter and some encouraging words to help you get through this? If it's difficult, you could write it as if writing to a friend in the same situation - what would you say to her? Another suggestion, if it's your kind of thing, is to write a schedule for yourself each evening so that the next day is planned out. Perhaps having activities planned will help improve your mood. You may possibly be less vulnerable if you're busy. Again, be kind to yourself.

KnowledgeOk5995 · 2021-04-17T01:58:23+00:00

Block him

monch-bred · 2021-04-16T20:32:27+00:00

Block and delete!

Delete = delete the conversation, delete his number, delete any way you could possibly contact him.

Next time you feel the urge, you couldn’t contact him anyway!

Honestly_th0 · 2021-04-20T00:15:38+00:00

Also, write him a letter (don’t send it, ofc) listing all the terrible things he did to you and write down verbatim the most hurtful things he said to you. Tell him this is why you’re leaving and never want to see him again, since he doesn’t bring happiness to your life and you deserve so much better. Then, every time you want to contact him, read that letter first and feel free to add to it as you remember other hurtful things he’s done. Rinse and repeat. Don’t let him weasel his way back into your life just so he can continue to torment you. You got this!

Title	Help
Author	orangeboobert
Upvotes	103
Comments	58
Date	April 16, 2021 5:38 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ms8bni/help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/help.763164 https://theredarchive.com/post/763164

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