How can I avoid getting too emotionally attached early on and letting myself get led on?

headlights- · 2021-03-13T13:22:13+00:00

[deleted]

volcanic_equation · 2021-03-13T13:17:35+00:00

Thou Shalt Not Get Caught Up, Commandment 1.

Zero tolerance policy for inconsistent or “hot & cold” behavior.

Especially during the early stages of dating. If you notice that someone isn’t matching your effort, it’s time to step back.

Also, that age gap has me feeling a little suspicious, sis. He might not be the catch that you think he is.

Nice_Pass2393 · 2021-03-13T13:34:12+00:00

If hes 35 there's no excuse for this behavior. You can get younger, hotter less manipulative guys than this

MadWhackerInc · 2021-03-13T14:00:58+00:00

All I can say is ditch the ride now. It doesn't get better and you will end up quite hurt if you stay on. You're addicted at this stage, dependent on his attention for a high. Focus on the lows and give yourself constant reminders what you actually want/deserve and how he is not providing precisely or any of that.

If this message has been repeated throughout the comments my apologies but please walk!

2021-03-13T14:10:26+00:00

Please stay away from older men. They are predators and probably have issues that women their own age will be able to clock immediately. That’s problem number one. Also be aware of love bombing. Abusive/narcissistic men love to shower you with gifts, words, attention, or time until they realize you’re hooked. Then they start backing away so you begin obsessing. If a guy is coming of strong from the beginning, 9/10 he’s not going to be able to keep up.

Ngwanuza · 2021-03-13T13:31:02+00:00

Men stay talking a good game. They will verbally sell you the galaxy and leave your hopes in the dust. One thing I've learnt the hard way is not to use pretty little words and flattering lines as a vetting metric. Effort. Effort and energy expended is really what to look out for in the beginning . What are his actions? Write it down even. What are his actions? What are they doing ?...it will change the game for you. Is he planning dates? Does he open the door? Does he walk you to your car? Pay for your uber? Call to confirm you got home safely? Agree to proof read your grad school application and add comments?

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-03-13T14:31:22+00:00

Block and delete this one. HVM is consistent and follows through when he says he’s going to do something. This guy isn’t a HVM.

For the next batch of men you date - think of dating like you’re researching to find out if you’re a good fit for each other. It’s actually hard in the beginning because everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, you don’t get to know the actual person for a while after that.

Might help you to not get too attached right away because you don’t even really know the guy for at least 6 months, so there’s actually nothing to get attached to except for the idea you have in your mind of who you think the guy is.

Also, read the handbook if you haven’t already. Lots of good info there.

Apprehensive_Ad_7917 · 2021-03-13T15:28:45+00:00

If you want kids, stop dating men this old. A 35 year old man is not someone you could have kids with, by the time you’re ready, his sperm will be dust (at 35 he’s already ineligible for sperm donation).

2021-03-13T14:09:20+00:00

The best strategy is not to commit too early and keep dating other people. Unless your relationship is serious with him you should still be choosing.

NetflixBingeQueen · 2021-03-13T14:49:00+00:00

Firstly, avoid large age gaps. They’ve mastered the art of manipulating young women. It’s all deliberate.

Next, don’t be too eager to reply. Always play it nonchalant. If you’re getting taken in easily by all the texts, there’s a false sense of connection developing. Just take a step back and don’t treat their communication as a priority. Dont play into the games of “if they take 1hr to reply, I’ll take 2hrs”. Not worth it.

In person, let them speak more and just observe. The less you give of yourself, the more control you’ll have of how your feelings develop.

If he doesn’t call, don’t ask them why, you’re feeding their ego. Just carry on your life as normal. Don’t engage in monogamy without him asking you explicitly. Talk to several men to keep your feelings in check.

Away from all of this, the best response is to cut them off the first time they go silent without a reasonable explanation. You let them walk over you once, you might as well buy them hiking boots 🥾for the next times.

The handbook has loads of tips!

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-03-13T14:14:29+00:00

Yikes at that age gap. Speaking from experience please please leave this situation, he’s a predator but you won’t see that until the rose colored glasses come off.

moonartemis1989 · 2021-03-13T19:29:17+00:00

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TopCoatCarrot · 2021-03-13T15:15:45+00:00

Older men are a huge red flag. And he doesn’t respect you, he is juggling multiple younger women. If he’s not responding to you it’s because he’s fucking the new one.

Never date men that much older then yours 2-3 years younger or 2-3 years older at most should be the rage for most people.

This man is shit. You drop it at the FIRST sign of disrespect. Stop giving men a million chances. If you REALLY wanted a man would you mess up even ONCE? No! So stop giving any men a second chance.

2021-03-13T15:26:14+00:00

Firstly, and to echo other comments, don't date men that are so much older than you, and that's especially true in your 20s. They know you will be easy to manipulate and will accept be treated poorly because you're currently still learning what it's like to be an adult. Someone who's already got an idea of what it's like to be an adult, as one definitely should by 35, will not genuinely interested by a barely-just-adult, unless they think they can get something out of you. You may even want to forgo dating for a few years. I took a break in my mid-20s, but looking back, I wish I'd taken a longer one so I wouldn't have wasted nearly 4 years on my LVM ex.

Secondly, work on yourself. Invest in yourself, your career, your hobbies. Make yourself be enough. You can't be as easily fooled if you don't need to fill a void. Then someone company becomes a bonus, and you can see with clear eyes what is happening.

Thirdly, take the time to define what you want and what behaviours are unacceptable. Maybe even write them down. I think it could be good to also look at the excuses you've made and list them, so you can always recognise them when/if they start cropping up again.

Lastly, listen to yourself. How are you feeling? Are you constantly feeling bad, upset, sad? Listen to your body as well; do you have a knot in your stomach, are your shoulders frequently tense and high up? Learn to recognise your negative emotions and give them as much value as your positive ones, so you can really listen to them too. They tell you something. And whenever they do, and you've listened, take action. If you're not feeling good on a regular basis, then you need to remove yourself from the situation that makes you feel this way. Also try to not prioritise men's feelings above yours: yours are just as important; maybe even more since you can choose not to be around them to an extent, but you can't choose not to be around yourself. You're with you for life, so make sure you matter.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy, I'm 34 and working on that too. But you can do this!! We all can. ❤

moonartemis1989 · 2021-03-13T16:46:01+00:00

sis that age gap is way too much , i know you feel like you have a great connection and he may be very nice but have u thought about how this reln would age?

ferociouslycurious · 2021-03-13T16:04:55+00:00

I agree with comments to fill this emotional need with something other than a man. Connections with female friends is a good idea, as well as finding ways to make yourself happy. Volunteering, creating something, hobbies and the communities of people with the same hobby, as well as your personal self esteem are all great examples.

spicyspa · 2021-03-13T13:47:03+00:00

Keep reading the fds handbook. It has everything you need.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-03-13T16:58:05+00:00

Focus your energy on meeting your needs! Fill your life with some strong, female connections, maybe from a place of worship, community center, or a support group.

Invest your energy into growing and expanding yourself! Go to yoga, start a side hustle, volunteer in something that feels worthwhile to you, invest your money

Don't let anyone, especially a guy, waste your time! For me, I did cut out dating any guys because I knew I needed to build myself first. After that, don't waste any time or energy with game-playing, love-bombing, lagged replies, excuses, etc.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2021-03-13T15:07:24+00:00

take a break from dating or the single and looking vibe. Being deliberately single can still be an emotional rollercoster (where you go from feeling feel lonley/ happy/ free/ sad / tempted to reach out to an ex/ and all that stuff) but its a much safer arena to experience all the emotions that arise. If your normal is happy and single you are automatically guarded from settling for or getting too absorbed in a relaysh. Its like the difference between going food shopping hungry or well fed. In the first instance you buy chips and instant food and make poor choices for groceries and on the other hand you buy smart meal ideas and make healthier choices. Be the same when entering the dating game, if you feel starved for companionship you will get emotionally attached quickly to sub par partners. If your happy as you are and have stable source of self fulfillment and supporting friends and/ or family relationships then you will invest less emotionally in any potential suiters who by the way will be doing the leg work to get your attention and earning time with you and earning your respect.

haunted_vcr · 2021-03-14T19:08:10+00:00

This isn't a you problem and your emotional response makes sense -

His inconsistent behavior makes you anxious because it makes you question his feelings for you. Which is good! You don't need to feel safe and secure around a guy who isn't 100% into you.

My rule of thumb is when I feel anxious around or about a guy, that's my cue to bounce. I used to think I'm neurotic and easily attached, but I just have really good intuition and I think you do too.

frogchickenhorse · 2021-03-13T22:59:22+00:00

I’ve learnt from last stint last year is go with your gut, don’t give second chances, they are not having a bad day - they are showing you who they are- believe it, don’t sleep with them - oxytocin is a bitch, if they start hot/cold behaviour- get rid of them. 6 weeks. The thing is I knew all of this, so I’ve spent time trying to figure out why I was allowing this shit. Living and working alone during COVID took its toll. I’m back on being single and happy.

headlights- · 2021-03-14T21:24:58+00:00

[deleted]

mamakolo · 2021-03-13T14:29:52+00:00

I understand perfectly what you are feeling. We have all been there. Men toying with women's emotions after luring them into relationships, is nothing new. There's solid advice in the other comments. Additionally, the eleven year age gap is less than ideal.

You need to not just match his energy, but make sure his energy always exceeds yours. Detach from him emotionally. Stop waiting for his phone calls. Stop sending him messages. Seek validation elsewhere (not just from other men). Find ways to remind yourself about how smart, funny and beautiful you are.

You are the total package, and if he's too stupid too value your relationship, there are others who will.

Title	How can I avoid getting too emotionally attached early on and letting myself get led on?
Author	headlights-
Upvotes	176
Comments	62
Date	March 13, 2021 1:11 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m460da/how_can_i_avoid_getting_too_emotionally_attached/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-can-i-avoid-getting-too-emotionally-attached.779465 https://theredarchive.com/post/779465

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