I am still grieving. Not grieving the loss of the LV man that I used to date, but the genuine, gentle love I gave him. It was wasted, left unappreciated. It still breaks my heart, and I am so exhausted of this heaviness I have to carry around everywhere.

I don’t have anyone I trust to share this with, so I wanted to post this in hopes of some support.

• I was not his “type” (yet the “most interesting-looking” of all the women he’s ever dated). He argued that “none of [his] exes look alike” to begin with. However, one of them fit his taste: she was beautiful, smart, and had the complexion he was “more attracted to”.

• I’m not sure if he was over his ex completely, although he insisted that he’d never “bring [me] into this” if he wasn’t.

• He would often joke that he’d get (or cheat on me) with someone who [insert his type].

• He believed that I was “easy to impress”. He was insecure about it, thinking it’ll only take so much to win my admiration. Yet, he was the one who admitted he had to unfollow a girl’s social media whose face he was “really attracted to for some reason” because he knew he’d get a crush on her (this happened long before we started dating).

• He tactically avoided sharing his vulnerability with me or being intimate. He’d tell me he will never experience heartbreak to the same extent that he did when him and his ex broke up. Because of this, I now realize that he kept me at a hand’s distance, but had no problem fucking me of course.

• Unlike myself, he followed his exes, former hookups/fwbs on social media, and they followed him back. He did not want to remove them either.

• He had his dating apps deleted (I was not on any dating apps, since a year before we got together—they were a waste of energy and time). Please note, his accounts were not deleted or even deactivated, still running in the background, collecting swipes. When I found out about this (he was showing me a conversation he had with his friend. I saw she sent him a screenshot of her friend’s screenshot of his dating profile; her friend was asking about him). When I asked him to delete his accounts, my LVX agreed. However, when I asked again to confirm, he got defensive. Suddenly, it “did not matter to [him] that much”, he was “just lazy” with deleting them, etc. He did not give a single fuck. Since I was the one bothered, it was my problem, not his.

• He would go out 2-3 times a week to the bars or house parties with his friends, where he’d never take me (for a number of different reasons, according to him). He would admit that he usually gets touchy/more relaxed with people when drunk. Of course, his former hookups would frequent these places, too.

• He would get blackout drunk, only to tell me the next day that he usually gets “very horny” when intoxicated (like it’s some unique feature about him). I once asked him if he thinks he’s ever cheated on me while blackout drunk, to which he responded: “I don’t think so” (mimicking my wording). He’d be blackout drunk, able to remember that I’d be unavailable (sleeping), and yet... he was not sure if he’s cheated on me. Fucking hypocrite.

• When he left to go back to his home country and we were long-distance, I finally started going out to the bars, as my friends were less busy and finally had time to hang out. I’d always snap him once I’d make it back home. I once mentioned that I played pool with a mutual friend of ours. Next morning, I woke to a message from him saying: “Yeah, you were so drunk. Luckily you didn’t fuck [guy’s name]”. I told him to never speak to me the same before. He never apologized.

• He once promised to “hit [me] back” when I playfully brushed/tapped my palm against his cheek. One time, he grabbed the back of my neck and pressed me down multiple times to “intimidate me”. I was tipsy and playfully touching his beard/caressing his cheek. He never apologized. To him, I got “so scared for some reason”. I was called overly sensitive because of that incident.

• His friends had no issues with using/abusing their girlfriends (or more like side pieces). He’d call them out, of course. But still stuck to them and “trusted [their] judgement because, at the end of the day, he was the same.

• My energy was “too much” for him. He tried to “escape jt” (the bars). I was too “high maintenance”. I was not “chill” enough.

This is not even half of the list. My ex was a fucking insecure hypocrite. He had a multitude of double standards. I was not allowed to be jealous, otherwise I was just “unreasonable”. Questioning his loyalty (i.e. “core values”) or implying he was gaslighting me could warrant a breakup for him. My trust was ought to be given, not earned. My loyalty to him was expected to trespass the loyalty I had for myself.

I hate that I let him gaslight me, to question my intuition, to question whether or not I’m “reasonable”. I hate that my therapist played into that, too, to an extent. I hate that I keep comparing myself to his ex, to other women who fit his “type” better. I don’t want to be anyone but myself. But EVERY man I’ve ever encountered seemed to be into women who looked nothing like me. I realize they were all extremely LV & did it on purpose, and yet.

I want to rage. I want to be so, so angry! I want to hurt him immensely like he hurt me. I am glad that he’s no longer a part of my life. Good fucking riddance, I should’ve dropped him long ago. But I’m stuck, left to grieve my poor choice of giving him a chance.

How do I break free?