Any tips on being alone?

idiskfla · 2023-06-11T13:37:29+00:00

Two years for me man. Honestly? Despite everything you read here, dating HAS helped me. I literally just started dating again after two years being separated / divorced. 90% of people said to fix yourself, get fit, pick up new hobbies, see therapist, read mr. Nice guy, etc. before dating again. Other 10% said just get out there asap. I listened to the 90% and after a year and 11 months, still felt like crap. (Lost a ton of weight post-separation, saw a therapist, read the books, picked up hobbies, then gained ALL the weight back at 18 month point due to severe depression and loneliness.)

A few weeks ago, I decided to listen to the 10% even though I was still mentally messed up partly out of desperation. Since I’ve started dating again (granted, I haven’t been getting dates with 8/9/10s), I’ve been motivated to excel again and feel a lot less jealous of my ex. Helped me realize other women are cool, beautiful, interesting, and can really turn me on. My ex isn’t the one in a billion catch she thought she was and I thought she was.

I’m not looking / expecting to find “the one” asap from dating. But having a fun night out with women again has been really fun (haven’t had a single second date or a ONS, but I have been having a pretty good time on each first date. Feel like a high schooler again). Sometimes you just miss female companionship, even if it’s just playful teasing, basic small talk, that “smell.” I’m not dating for sex, just to become socially comfortable with single women again. Not having the expectation of sex or meeting “the one” takes the pressure off. There is no “the one.”

Everyone is different. What works for one person doesn’t work for others. Some guys prioritize solitude / freedom. Some prefer hanging out with the boys. Other guys genuinely enjoy female companionship. If I had it to do all over again, I would have started casually dating immediately after our divorce was final. This isn’t for everyone, but I think it would have helped me get over my ex quicker.

Note: I haven’t had any success on the apps. I’m not the best looking guy, and I’m really short (5’4” Cambodian). It’s all been IRL approaches. Three dates, 8 or 9 rejections. But the rejections feel like nothing compared to getting cheated on / divorced. When I was in my 20s, rejections were such an ego killer. I don’t care anymore. I have few expectations, and even though I haven’t genuinely clicked with anyone, each date has been fun (for me at least), and if I saw the person again at a bar or in a mall, I wouldn’t feel guilt or anything (I’m not just trying to get laid or anything like that. Just trying to be comfortable around women again and realize they’re not all like my ex). I’ve decided to be a 46 yr old gentleman rather than the horny 25 yr old that wanted to bang anyone. It actually wouldn’t surprise me if one of the women I date ends up trying to set me up with one of her more compatible female friends at some point.

Advice: do things concurrently. When I got divorced, I had a detailed self improvement master plan that was like this: get ripped, then get better job, then get luxury apt, then get new car, then get new wardrobe, then join meetups, then start online dating. I thought I was planning, but I was actually procrastinating.

Just get out there and work on it all each day so that you’re so tired by the end of the day you don’t have time to dwell on the past. The nice thing about approaching women being in not the best shape again (as odd as that may sound) is that I don’t take rejection personal. I know I’m in bad shape and assume that’s the reason for the rejection. It doesn’t affect my ego as much. I just hit the gym each day now knowing I’ll be in better shape again 6 mts from now. If i had all my shit perfectly aligned and I got rejected, I might take it more personal (even though I shouldn’t in any case).

Also, just enjoy the things you couldn’t do with your ex. You can ask any woman out (let rejection motivate you, not defeat you), you can watch porn anytime on the big screen with the volume up and the doors open, you can play video games (social ones with other humans are best), you can eat your steak rare, you can stay out late, you can sleep in, you can hang out with friends who she didn’t like, or family that she was jealous of, you can fly to Tijuana, or Thailand, or Tokyo tomorrow. I recently bought a PS5, and whenever I have the urge to eat junk food, i just play 10 min of a FPS or racing game and I lose the craving.

I always get loneliest when I’m at home, inactive, checking out social media, watching tv on a fri / sat night, or whenever it’s a beautiful weekend day outside and I have no plans. Alone on a Friday night at home watching tv will make your mind wander to places it shouldn’t go. Friday nights are either date nights or gym nights for me going forward. Stay active and social and put yourself out there dating-wise while at the same time making daily personal improvements.

No_Associate_9037 · 2023-06-11T10:33:11+00:00

I got closer to my family, during the first year or so. That helped out a lot.

awesomelybearded · 2023-06-11T12:46:45+00:00

Don’t do the motorcycle. The last thing you need is to lose a foot. FWB is a great idea. Just don’t get her knocked up.

hikeruntravellive · 2023-06-11T13:42:14+00:00

Fwb does exist but you need to retrain your brain to manage it. At least I had to. Read the rational male. That will help you out things into perspective. Then go out and try to practice dating with your new boundaries and rules.

It’s not easy and takes a while to find unless you’re really good looking, rich AND confident. However, if you’re average and keep in shape then you are faaaar ahead of the curve.

Try all outlets. Online dating, singles events, clubs, museums etc. practice picking up women at bars, malls or even at Whole Foods.

If you need to, invest money in a new wardrobe. No more going to the supermarket in baggy jeans and a yellow t shirt. You only go out in high quality clothing. You never know when or where you will meet your next opportunity. Always be groomed, clean shaven etc.

After getting divorced I had a friend who gave me that advice. It’s been helpful for me and I hope it will help you too.

Am I happy? Not totally but much happier now than when I was married or alone. Good luck and report back.

upfnothing · 2023-06-11T13:15:21+00:00

Work a job that you can focus on. Then find a meet up and attend it regularly. Friendships form from repetition.

Ok_Being9645 · 2023-06-11T12:19:46+00:00

Curious as to your age range? I am also divorced, mid-40's, and would also like a FWB type of a situation, but these seem more like an urban legend to me. To be honest, I have never tried to get into one, and make no effort to date at all, so I just take care of my needs my taking "less circuitous" routes, lol.

Worth-Prompt195 · 2023-06-11T13:43:12+00:00

Keep finding ways to work on yourself. Build up your character, self-esteem… your soul-force. Right now you have an opportunity to take your life to the next level, but it’s up to you to take advantage of the growth that’s available on the other side of pain.

Stop changing happiness

Go for your greatness🔥🚀

slynch157 · 2023-06-11T14:07:25+00:00

Get obsessed with golf! 🤯

And when you're not going through the insurmountable challenge of mastering this crazy game, you'll enjoy your alone time watching tournament pros perfecting and butchering this beautiful game, often on the very same hole... 🏌️ ⛳

Playing as a single is a great way to meet and play with other golf tragics that reassure you, you're definitely not alone. 😅

Checkout: /r/golfgw

clarkr10 · 2023-06-11T14:31:32+00:00

I got a girlfriend pretty quick after my wife leaving and tbh it helped me feel confident in the “okay, if I want to I can quickly get a gf whenever I want” type of way. With that confidence in the back of my mind i broke it off with her and have been purely focusing on myself, knowing I could get a gf tomorrow if I feel too lonely.

Getting a gf might help just let her know up front it’s not serious. Women don’t like this, just a heads up.

No_Analyst_5235 · 2023-06-11T18:03:16+00:00

Listen Bro , no one has the answers because everyone and their situation is different . The things that are central to us all is there is a void that is made when we divorce. We then feel like we have to fill that void right away. We don’t have to . I learned it will eventually get filled and in my case with things much better . I initially felt as you do . It’s natural.

And I was with this woman almost 40 years .. married 34 . My divorce was finalized in September 2022 and I already have a GF . Hell, my condo president stalks me to date her lol .. I’m here to say I questioned my existence , my future , etc .. but when I let things go , worked on myself and appreciated the gifts life gives us did everything open up.

It’s an abundant universe bro … do the dutiful and EVERYTHING will fall into place . Trust

Theedon · 2023-06-11T18:18:22+00:00

TINDER for one night stands. There are a ton of crazy chicks that will polish your pole if you say the right things to them. Remember, they are crazy.

Next, get a pet and take the pet to a park and just talk to other pet owners. You never know, there just might be a crazy single Mom looking for you.

Roommates, rent out a room to a 23 year old. You will be shocked with the results. Good times, again crazy.

Pull out the wallet and pay for it. This is risky and should be a last resort. Could end up in jail for the night.

koolaidkid12345 · 2023-06-11T19:31:18+00:00

Everybody is different bro. Some are ready to date sooner than others. If you're lonely/bored, but not depressed from divorce.. then maybe dating is OK for you. Some men take a lot longer to get over the loss of the wife/family/etc. Some can bounce back and be ready to dip in to the dating pool right away.

In the meantime.. maybe try some new hobbies? I got so many damn hobbies I wont be bored once I am finally able to leave. One thing I have been doing while I stupidly stuck it out until the kids are old enough (e.g. done with HS) is buy various things for my hobbies.. some of which I put in storage anticipating the day I move out I can finally grab all those things. I got tons of tools, a movie theater setup with speakers to build, etc.. all ready to go.. soon as I can move out on my own.

Majestic_Island5286 · 2023-06-11T14:55:47+00:00

FWB is the way to go. I see several guys saying it isn’t a thing that happens or it can’t be consistent.

Here’s the thing about FWB, you have to remember the friend part. Be FRIENDS, don’t expect sex every time you hang out, reach out to them as a friend, not just to fuck. Value them as a friend and it makes the benefits much better.

I’m 2 months into my divorce process and have 2 FWB that I talk to and hang out with regularly.

fewdo · 2023-06-11T14:57:02+00:00

Spend a second to realize that you haven't been wrong in a while. I mean, sure you've made mistakes but they were no big deal and no one brought it up. You can spend your time how you like. You can have hobbies again.

Slick-Fork · 2023-06-11T15:58:32+00:00

I reconnected with friends I hadn’t connected with in a long time. I traveled, I went places by myself, and learned that it was OK, which was absolutely phenomenal.

I got a motorbike, picked up some hobbies, learned a little bit about myself, I found things that might interest me That had clubs attached to them and I joined the clubs even if it was only for a little bit to decide that that wasn’t a hobby I was interested in chasing.

My single life in my 40s after a 17 year marriage was dramatically better than my single life in my 20s.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-06-11T17:51:17+00:00

Yes I’m in the same situation years after victory I still miss the person I had to ‘shift for mental health reasons. However realise We Are All Alone. You pop from the hole usually Alone you go in the ground Alone everything in between is Temporary - best scenario one of the two Dies eventually. Make friends with Yourself it’s your Only Life Long Friend and Partner.

Sending Hugs 🤗

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-06-11T13:32:13+00:00

Get a dog, the only biatch that’s going to stay loyal to you until they die!

dadplup · 2023-06-11T15:00:51+00:00

Honestly in my opinion getting involved with someone so soon and before the divorce is finalized could potentially look really bad for you in court if it gets out, she could claim that you were cheating all along etc, mine told her friends and family that I did when she was the one cheating

also we are not in the best state of mind during the separation, even after the divorce is done so anyone that we get involved with will more than likely get hurt emotionally , you need to use this time to rediscover yourself and once the divorce is done then you can move on

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-06-11T15:02:18+00:00

Join a men's club.

I joined a men's group at church. It doesn't have to be a church through, consider the Masons, Elks, Moose, Oddfellows etc, or a service club like Rotary or Kiwanis.

DivorcingThroway · 2023-06-11T16:03:51+00:00

I don't know if it was this sub or one of the alcoholics ones I'm on, but someone recommended getting a part time job or doing volunteer work in something you are interested in. It provides a good platform to meet like-minded that aren't currently in your social circle.

soundbarrier47 · 2023-06-12T16:00:21+00:00

It’s different for everyone brother. I chose not to date right away, instead I just did things I wasn’t able to do a lot in the marriage. Try new restaurants, hit the gym at convenient times, play video games, reconnected with old friends, spent time with my nieces and nephews (she hated how I would go over to see them). It was almost a year after the divorce when I started dating again. And now, I have an amazing girlfriend, her family loves me, my family loves her. My ex, her parents loved me, they took it the hardest. And the mom still texts me from time to time to see how I’m doing.

Character-Bad-2917 · 2023-06-12T23:25:19+00:00

Sorry to hear. Keep working out. Try to expand your friend group or to at least actively reaching out to friends and acquaintances to make sure you’re being more social. Swallow your pride, ask for help, meaning, let those friends know about your situation and loneliness.

ultrasuperthrowaway · 2023-06-11T21:07:33+00:00

I think dating is great and therapists just want to make money by having you be dependent upon therapy for interactions.

soundbarrier47 · 2023-06-12T16:00:56+00:00

It’s different for everyone brother. I chose not to date right away, instead I just did things I wasn’t able to do a lot in the marriage. Try new restaurants, hit the gym at convenient times, play video games, reconnected with old friends, spent time with my nieces and nephews (she hated how I would go over to see them). It was almost a year after the divorce when I started dating again. And now, I have an amazing girlfriend, her family loves me, my family loves her. My ex, her parents loved me, they took it the hardest. And the mom still texts me from time to time to see how I’m doing.

Title	Any tips on being alone?
Author	ThePancakeStalker
Upvotes	19
Comments	64
Date	June 11, 2023 9:17 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/146pakr/any_tips_on_being_alone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/any-tips-on-being-alone.1221890 https://theredarchive.com/post/1221890

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