Disdain.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-07-05T23:07:17+00:00

Gray Rock

Use a communication app like "Our Family Wizard". It's admissible in court.

Jiujitsu_Dude · 2024-07-02T07:29:49+00:00

You will get to a place where you won’t care enough about her to engage in her crazyness, it will be only about your son and his wellbeing. Violating court orders, call the cops. Play by the book and don’t ever show her any emotion. It will Get better for you man.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-07-01T23:56:11+00:00

Twilight zone <—-> catch 22

This process is meant to destroy. But you didn’t do nothing to your son. Prevail for him.

Don’t tell me practice what I preach.

daniel22mckee · 2024-07-01T23:31:39+00:00

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to do a court ordered family communication app and only communicate through that.

rhpeterson72 · 2024-07-01T21:59:10+00:00

Sorry this is happening to you. I went through it 15 years ago and it was hell. But as I learned (both personally and as a professional counselor), much of it was of my own making. Let me explain.

Emotions are ultimately a function of attachment, and once we realize that, everything gets better. We don't fear losing someone unless we're attached to them. We don't grieve loss unless we are attached. And people don't have power to make us angry unless we are attached to them.

You are still attached to your stbx, and that attachment is pretty normal. What you need help with is letting go and saying goodbye, in other words, grieving. We don't do it well in our society because it sucks and we avoid it. But it's nonetheless important, and if we don't do it, we remain attached and therefore others retain their emotional power over us.

Your stbx will continue to react out of her own anger and sadness and she will have power over you until you let her go emotionally. When she gets under your skin, remind yourself that you are reacting to persistent attachment. Letting go is a conscious choice you can make, and when you do, it immediately starts getting better.

AproposWuin · 2024-07-01T21:22:28+00:00

Just be good and true. True to your child, and true to the right thing to do.

Write everything down on a notebook with dates. Keep everything documented. It sucks but proof of behavior is a he'll of a thing. Good luck. I am here with you

stupididiot78 · 2024-07-01T21:06:33+00:00

Let her violate all the court orders that she wants. Just make sure you document every single time she does that. She's just giving you all the ammunition you need in court.

elvish--presley · 2024-07-01T20:12:28+00:00

Grey rock saved me. If you're not familiar with it look it up.
Keep interacting as if everything is a business transaction. Try not to get lured into reacting emotionally to anything.
I always felt the need to respond to messages, such as ones complaining that i wasn't doing enough around the house (when I was doing the lions share of chores) and finally worked out that it was affecting my stress levels and keeping me on an emotional rollercoaster.

Don't respond to anything that is a complaint about you or your behaviour. Keep things simple. I don't even share photo's anymore since it was only ever me doing that, nothing was ever reciprocated.

It's a long, hard road but keep working on yourself and when you feel like responding to something, just put the phone away and go for a walk instead.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-07-01T19:14:10+00:00

Mine finally stopped texting me over unimportant things. It takes a lot of sifting through texts and never giving them a reaction. They want a reaction so don’t give it to them. Let cooler minds prevail and it’ll get better in time

NewDay0110 · 2024-07-01T19:10:25+00:00

I feel what you are going through. The custody battle part of my divorce was the most stressful several months of my whole life. Her attack to challenge the prenup was the second most stressful period of my life. It was worse than dealing unemployment or the cancer ordeal of my parents.

Once I got through it things immediately started to get better. I've got mental scars from the trauma of going through court. It's affected my personal relationships in that I can't feel close to anyone anymore. But, at least I am in control of my life now. Once you get the papers finalized, you need to celebrate your freedom. Start thinking about your divorce party so you have something to look forward to once this is over.

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-07-01T15:50:11+00:00

I want to add something if it helps anyone. I'm actually terrified of any confrontation with her for the simple reason of historically every serious conversation going completely off the rails. Would I love to discuss amicable separation terms, yes. Will I l? No. Sensitive financial topics? Never. It's terrifying to know you live in a prison made especially for you, where you are emotionally controlled and manipulated with rage and paranoia. I wish any part of this were an exaggeration. Come live with me for a day, I'll show you that it is not.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-07-01T15:47:09+00:00

The catch 22 is that I must interact concerning my child, but she entangles me into an argument that depletes my very spirit for days, it seems. . . and this is only by text.

Copy/paste job from another comment I made about communication

No more phone calls or in person convos. It can become he said she said and you dont know if you're being recorded (on phone or in person). Email only on large issues and text for kid pickup/drop off and emergency. Other things can be coordinated via email. Think NARROW AND SLOW. One channel and no fast responses. Do what is in your kids best interest, then yours. Do NOT worry about them. Dont do them any favors. Dont make things hard but dont feel like you need to make it easy. This is a business deal now, nothing more.

Set up email filters for your lawyer and spouse to go into respective folders.
Turn off alerts if you want. I would rec turning off alerts for the spouse not your attorney. This way you dont see "ex name" pop up on your phone and, frankly, ruin your afternoon. Also you wont be tempted to read whatever it is.
Have a set time every week that is "Divorce BS time" - maybe from 6-7 on Tuesday and 12-1 on Saturday. READ THOSE EMAILS ONLY DURING THAT TIME.
Compose replies BUT DO NOT SEND. Give it a day and go back and re-read it and tweak. For the lawyer: more questions and detail. Batch your emails with lots of questions/info/needed materials. They all cost money so send a big one rather than several small ones. For the spouse: less needless info and removing anything thats not related (i.e. emotional). Your lawyer has other clients and wont reply asap anyway so you can take time as well.
Anything you write to the spouse keep it SHORT and on point. Business like. No drama as quick replies can be emotionally charged. Pretend ANY email you send the spouse could have a judge looking at it or their attorney reading in court without context. Wirte as if you're emailing a stranger and you dont want them to know anything about you.
Dont engage in email/text battles - either with your attorney (just set up a call!) or the spouse (they will NEVER end well/solve anything). If they text you just reply with "that sounds important, send an email". You want the electronic trail and email is better than text (i.e. your phone dies and its not backed up). With the ex: Slow all communication, text/email to a few hours. Then a day. Then two. Once she stops getting that instant reply she will back off.
Only provide materials (i.e. discovery documents/paperwork) WHEN ASKED and ONLY to YOUR LAWYER. Do not email things to your ex or to their lawyer or try and assist your ex with anything during this process unless it is to your advantage. Do not pre-submit because if things take a long time, its now out of date and you're submitting it again, all at $400/hr.

Less communication the better - both for your mental health and not saying anything that could bite you later on. Keeping it in email retains and electronic trail. Again, text should be for last min kid coordination (pick up/drop off/child sick) and emergency only.

CreativeNerd1729 · 2024-07-01T15:40:35+00:00

There are many like you bruv. Be a better man for your kid. Your ex is unlikely to improve, very rarely do they take accountability. Minimize interactions with her as much as possible.

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-07-01T15:40:18+00:00

The sounds remarkably like my stbxw. Her ability to take an innocuous comment and spin it into a soul crushing argument either in person or in text has been the staple of our marriage for the last 20 years. She is paranoid, yet charming, easily finds fault with everyday actions, makes accusations of everyone (child / me), and is easily upset by trivial things. Her ability to manipulate emotions is unparalleled and we frequently find ourselves engaged in the most brutal, vicious name calling battle the world has ever witnessed. It's depleting on every level, and far from the idealized home life I imagined. We've both made many mistakes, but the persistent toxicity, vitriol, resentment, and animosity that marks our daily interactions is the reason i can no longer go on. Is she a narcissist? I don't know for sure, and we will likely never know because she won't touch a therapist, medication, or anything that could ever be used to suggest a short coming in her. She is perfect in every way, has never made a mistake, and is certainly not to be blamed for any of the shit mess we are in now. (Where's that sarcasm emoji thingy) She is also stunningly convincing and extremely litigous, and quick on her feet. It's absolutely a nightmare of epic proportions. The best part: we're still living in the same house! We both work from home and have two kids. The best park of waking up, is a fucking nightmare devil in your cup. FML. I went full non contact, implemented grey rock, and sought therapy. Currently working with an attorney, and.making an exit plan. I'm totally fucked financially, but I don't care, at least I'm alive.

Exactly65536 · 2024-07-01T15:38:00+00:00

Any argument and any fight needs at least two participants.

You can't control what she does or says or writes, but you can choose to reply to only what you need to reply for the sake of your child.

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-07-01T14:45:51+00:00

you need to keep careful record and diary of every violation in the orders, who knows you might get lucky and pry your son away from her later in contempt charges. You'll maintain your sanity because you are away from this evil woman and constant barrage, at least you can have some peaceful times and a place of rest to yourself.

SciencePretend8413 · 2024-07-01T14:44:34+00:00

It is not your fault, nor can you blame yourself, for what your STBX decides to do or how she decides to act. That is all on her. All that you can do is be the best example that you can for your child when they are with you.

Otherwise, try your damnest to ignore her attempts at argument. I know that its hard. I know that you want to snap back. But with a person like that, acting like it doesn't bother you (even if it does) and not taking the bait will piss them off even more than if you did respond.

Title	Disdain.
Author	Aggravating_Text956
Upvotes	20
Comments	27
Date	July 1, 2024 2:35 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dsuigs/disdain/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/disdain.1522999 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522999

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