How do you forgive them?

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-03-15T01:59:59+00:00

You don’t need to forgive her, she is a piece of trash, that thankfully, you never need to see again.

No-Boysenberry3045 · 2024-03-14T23:59:10+00:00

I'm pretty new to this divorce. Mine has not actually finished. I was blindsided after 17 years she looked at me on Dec 2 and gave the "I love you but I'm not in love with you. We did not have money or sex problems. I thought she was my ride or die. It was crushing for me. She told me there was no hope for us and filed. No hate, no lawyers, we are in the cooling period. I moved my home sold quickly. we split it and divided everything. She moved out of town last tuesday. I can't carry hate around. I didn't fall out of love. I didn't break my vows. I married a nice girl. She still is. It happened very fast. I have to believe she had been planning it for a while. And I had no clue as dumb as that sounds. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I'm not hurting it has been a rough start of this new year. I started planning as soon as I got over the shock. Went back to work and picked up a part-time second job just for the weekends their the worst part right now. Moved into the rental house we both owned and bought her out quickly. I will be honest it sucks. But I never have to do it again. I'm 62, this beat the hell out of me. And I will not stick my neck out again.

beezo123 · 2024-03-14T22:47:02+00:00

What was the big fight about?

captainchippsixx · 2024-03-14T21:02:56+00:00

No rush bud. First just get to indifferent about her. It takes 2 for a marriage. You own your shit and she did not. You are a good man, she is not.

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. No go kick aZz in your career. You are in your prime!

Watch Conan the Barbarian. Captain America civil war. Get amped up. Get fit eat right and get your head 100%.

Automatic-Bat-7220 · 2024-03-14T19:40:07+00:00

I’d like to thank all of you for your perspectives and insight. It’s good to know I’m not all alone.

I thought I’d be farther ahead of this after a year but it’s a slow moving process I guess.

Due_Promise2866 · 2024-03-14T19:27:39+00:00

Don’t

probebeta · 2024-03-14T18:09:49+00:00

Everyone's situation is different, but I had a lot of resentment for the betrayal. Then there are times when I think that it really wasn't her fault. We both have contributed to things breaking down. So sure... Forgive her, let it go whatever you want sounds ok in theory if you want to be a true stoic. One problem with divorce though is that you're walking all over each other to grab what you can, and that makes her your worst enemy. If she can get some extra money from me she will NOT CARE if I'm dead tomorrow. This is a fact.

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2024-03-14T17:26:50+00:00

Don't need to forgive. Just let it go. A book has chapters, so does life. Turn the page.

bk2747 · 2024-03-14T16:38:21+00:00

You don’t. She is the enemy for life. Block her on everything and move on.

TenuousOgre · 2024-03-14T14:59:50+00:00

You din't need to forgive. Or forget. Just move on. Put her in that space of “mistakes I’ve made and learned from” and do your best to refocus on something else. Remove things that remind you too strongly of her. Find things to occupy your time. Find people to be with on holidays.

SuperConfused40 · 2024-03-14T14:56:46+00:00

Forgive? No.

Move on? Yes.

She will never be accountable for her actions. My ex screamed at me because I DIDNT cheat on her because then her family would know she was at fault. I don't view it as a blame game, but lots of other people do. I'm still hurt, but we all need to move on regardless.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-14T14:42:26+00:00

You don’t have to forgive just co-exist. She broke the family up for some old dick and that’s the only story the people in your life should hear. Use the anger to better yourself, you’re a free agent now and the better you are the more desirable you’ll be. I look at their cheating as an unforgivable excuse to get out of a bad marriage guilt free.

Joocewayne · 2024-03-14T14:35:48+00:00

You decide to stop seeing them who you idealized them to be and instead see them as a fucked up human who sometimes does horrifyingly hurtful stuff. Just like ourselves. Just like all of us.

You make peace with the fact that during a divorce, women are prone to not take any accountability and they will not own up to anything, admit blame or acknowledge the hurt they inflicted. EVER.

You have to forgive someone who thinks they did nothing wrong. You forgive and throw it into the ocean. It’s gone. As are they. This brings peace.

Forgiveness is not for them. We’re not God and can’t absolve sins. Forgiveness is for you and your well-being.

black65Cutlass · 2024-03-14T13:55:57+00:00

I am 2 years out of my marriage, I haven't forgiven her. She was cheating for most of the last year we were married, I found out from a mutual friend after the divorce was final. Even though the divorce was already final, I got angry. Knowing that she was lying to me all that time bothered me. She also said and did a lot of hurtful and abusive things while we were married. I haven't forgiven her for those either.

I think I will eventually, but it will take time. I thought I would have been over all this stuff 2 years out, but it is traumatic. Give yourself some time, don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone is different, it may take longer to get over it. I wish you luck in your healing, I know it is difficult.

AlmostThere22 · 2024-03-14T13:16:40+00:00

Bro. Fuck that bitch.

You're about ready to get up and kick some fucking ass in your life.

Don't feel sorry for yourself. Now go get it.

sicrm · 2024-03-14T12:21:43+00:00

forgive for the sake of moving on then block her on everything.

wisstinks4 · 2024-03-14T11:46:14+00:00

OP, you did nothing wrong. She broke marriage trust by letting the rx back in her head. She disrespected you with this ex. She was not honest with you about her feelings and her intent. Close the chapter, epilogue, you can let go and move on. Close that book. Pick up a new book, write your next story. It starts now.

yes2matt · 2024-03-14T11:16:01+00:00

But for some rare exceptions, people are doing their best to meet their felt needs within their perceived constraints. Every person learned as early as infancy patterns of behaviors and strategies to get their needs met. Honestly. She's doing her best. Just like you're doing your best.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but see if you can take her side in the conflict. In the case of mine, she was (is?) hurt and angry and afraid. All unnecessarily, from my perspective, she had it made. But from her perspective she was trapped. Given how cornered animals can be, she was actually pretty well-tempered. So I can release that.

And shit, the money. I'm on track to fully recover in three years. I plugged the hole in the bucket. ;)

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-03-14T10:54:33+00:00

Is she at least paying rent for all that space she's taking up in your head? Move on. She ain't sheeit and she surely ain't sheeit to you anymore.

Once you're doing great, you will be surprised how much you don't even remember much about her. Take it from a man who was with his ex-wife from ages 20 through 45.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-03-14T08:44:25+00:00

It’s not about letting her off the hook for what she did. Thats not forgivable. You can forgive her for what she did to gain acceptance and move on. Once you do that you can heal.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-14T03:24:56+00:00

The quicker you forgive her, the quicker you can heal. Forgiveness is more for your sake and not hers. But, you don't forget. Took me a while to get there. It is a process. A marathon and not a sprint. And, it does take time. Take all that energy not forgiving her and apply to your healing. Godspeed.

sjbrown · 2024-03-14T02:35:26+00:00

I dunno man.

I've heard that the way you measure if something is forgiven, is, when you recall the event, you didn't feel yourself emotionally reacting to it.

So yeah I guess it takes time, and maybe a therapist could provide tools to help get there faster. And I guess every so often, you try to remember the events and gauge how that makes you feel, and ask yourself if you see a trend? Eg, is it getting better?

And maybe there comes a point where you've forgotten to check in for a while, and you recall the event, and it just seems like nothing to trifle about

Murky_Ranger23 · 2024-03-14T01:42:33+00:00

So not forgive her period, learn the lesson and think whatever deity’s you choose that you don’t have kids with this piece of trash.

Left-Signature-5250 · 2024-03-14T01:32:03+00:00

[permanently deleted]

upvotersfortruth · 2024-03-14T00:36:26+00:00

Hi, you weren’t screaming into the void. Automoderator removed your post but we have approved it.

Title	How do you forgive them?
Author	Automatic-Bat-7220
Upvotes	19
Comments	33
Date	March 13, 2024 6:11 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bdyd0u/how_do_you_forgive_them/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-forgive-them.1426055 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426055

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