I fucked up

hogger303 · 2023-10-22T22:36:45+00:00

Check your State website & search for child support calculator & alimony calculator. Most states follow these.

Similar-Guitar-6 · 2023-10-22T23:17:40+00:00

Hang in there, OP. We all are human with human frailties, and we all make big mistakes. Owning up to what you did helps the healing process. Good job.

Getting sober was the best thing I have ever done for my mental health and healing after my ex left me for greener pastures. Way to go 👍

yaboyebeatz · 2023-10-22T23:36:23+00:00

You fucked up. You owned it and now you have to deal with the consequences. Good job on being accountable for your actions.

Start by getting a lawyer or if you can mediate the divorce, that’s even better. Don’t throw in the towel and just giver her everything, don’t forget you need to start over if this happens.

Learn to control your dick. A man controlled by lust will always be weak. If you plan to try and work things out, just remember, she will never forget and will use this to make your life hell.

Good luck on your next chapter.

hogger303 · 2023-10-22T22:35:16+00:00

Find a divorce mediator. Cheapest option.

potatotornado44 · 2023-10-22T23:05:31+00:00

You “possibly” brought an std home? I’m confused by this.

warrior_up · 2023-10-23T14:14:16+00:00

I wouldn’t be sober today if I didn’t divorce 4 years ago. STD have evolved/morphed with dating apps - don’t be a fool man, wrap your tool

VitaminTHC420 · 2023-10-22T22:14:14+00:00

I’d also like to add after reading many post on this sub, I make 85k no overtime, she makes like 35k we owe about $120k on the house worth just under 200k shared bank account fairly paycheck to paycheck, annuity with about 40k and pension, we have built everything we have together so it’s definitely 50/50 we live in Texas

henrysmyagent · 2023-10-22T23:36:14+00:00

Stop. Being. A. Martyr.

Your children need you to be a responsible dad. That means you do not prostrate yourself before your injured wife and pray for her mercy.

Split with her according to your state laws. You owe her a reasonable settlement - not a humiliating capitulation.

You need to be able to take care of yourself and your kids.

Get with a lawyer and start mapping out a fair settlement.

You broke your vow. The penalty is your children lose their stable 2-parent home. Concentrate on making this transition as easy as possible for THEM!

Fight for 50/50 custody.

spozmo · 2023-10-23T01:45:24+00:00

Absolutely stop throwing your kid under the bus as some kind of sacrifice to your low self-esteem. Your wife is an adult and can make her own choices, but abandoning your kid for the sake of some bullshit martyrdom is incredibly selfish. Cut it out.

The number one predictor of person’s future emotional and practical success is how involved their dad was in their life.

Reflog1791 · 2023-10-23T00:07:01+00:00

Give an authentic one minute apology. The trick is that if your apology is one minute you have to think deeper about it and put yourself in her shoes. Maybe have a settlement drafted and give it to her after the one minute apology. Do a good job with it and you might repair a lot of the damage which is good whether you divorce or not.

AdvancedAd3507 · 2023-10-22T22:21:18+00:00

I mean, you can certainly get a lawyer together and let them draw everything up. It will be far cheaper. If only women were capable of this level of accountability.

AirSailer · 2023-10-22T23:30:20+00:00

She also deserves custody of our daughter but I’m also not a dead beat dad

Why would you say this? Unless you fucked up with the children (neglect, abuse, etc), and I'm specifically excluding the cheating, she doesn't default to "deserving" the child simply because she is the mother.

NefariousNaz · 2023-10-23T03:12:19+00:00

Just giving her everything is going to ruin the rest of your life pretty much. Especially if she's the vindictive type.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-10-22T23:26:34+00:00

There may be temporary spousal support during the divorce proceedings but once divorce is final in most cases where the wife is employed Texas judges usually do not award alimony and if the court does it may be for a short period to allow her to get on her financial feet.

20% of your take home is about right for 1 child. Remember it is not deductible to you and tax free to her. Same with alimony if awarded.

You need to take a beat here and consult with a good local divorce lawyer so that you can live with the final result and be a good dad to your child.

dogsrule2019 · 2023-10-23T01:21:30+00:00

I didn’t see where you were asking her to work through this with you. Are you going to even give her the chance to work together to at least try to work things out? Kids can be okay post divorce but in general are better off in a 2 parent home. You fucked up. Doesn’t make you a horrible person or parent. It makes you fallible, as we all are. Do. Your. Best.

PigletGreedy2195 · 2023-10-23T17:25:50+00:00

lol my wife fucked everything up and she wants it all

Timely_Froyo1384 · 2023-10-23T02:23:24+00:00

You sound like your drunk posting this.

?????

I’m female and you need to get your shit together now! Stop whining and start doing.

Now how bad is the drinking? Do you need medical detox or distraction and behavior changes?

My dude you need a ducking plan get one.

She isn’t some saint to worship. At minimum she watched you self destruct and didn’t kick you in the balls to stop.

Heddlo · 2023-10-23T08:37:13+00:00

Question if I may. Why didn't you get yourself tested first and only tell her if something came up? I admire your honesty, but sometimes it needs to be reigned in slightly.

tragicaddiction · 2023-10-23T02:48:35+00:00

first keep your mouth shut with her about anything she is no longer your ally and she will use everything you have told her against you.

then do therapy for your sex addiction and 12 step in case she starts using that against you as a way to keep you away from your children

and see a lawyer for what you need..

and dont' give her everything, if you want a chance to see your children you will need a place to live and have space for them.

she will not go easy on you, don't let your guilt dictate how the rest of your life is going to be.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-10-23T12:44:14+00:00

The very best thing you can do is to STOP Drinking for your child. As for the divorce, own up to your part and try and make it as amicable for everyone involved. Dont sacrifice yourself but just keep it civil and respectful.

Imagintheworld · 2023-10-24T13:34:03+00:00

Mate, listen - you are suffering from guilt and a whole host of emotions. You need to look after yourself and 100% do not sign any paperwork when you are feeling like this. I get you feel guilty and don’t want to hurt your partner any more, and in a way I’m guessing you want to punish yourself for forgiveness.

The most important thing is making sure in the long run you are in a position the be a fantastic dad. So you must think of how and divorce package and settlement will leave you - whether you will have enough to live nearby and be happy - for your kids. Happy parents are better parents

It sounds to me, you deeply regret what you have done. Maybe you ask for separation whilst you live out. Make some promises that you will sober up, get counselling, make changes to your life. Set a defined time to focus on healing and working things out with your partner.

She may promise to consider and try to forgive you, but just bear in mind - she can try but it won’t be guaranteed. And if you do try to fix things then you must be prepared for this eventuality.

You are a good person, but you are flawed.

I’ve been on this journey and it hurts like hell.

Something that really helped me….

Stop all substance use, whether booze, cigarettes or anything harder
Clear head and stable emotions, mean better long terms decision making
Don’t even thing about dating
Get to a gym every other day, walk in the mornings in between for an hour
repeat a positive mantra - for me “turn up and greet the day with enthusiasm and generosity”
be careful disclosing too much to people. Lots of people offer bad advice / have their own axe to grind - they don’t have to love with the consequences

Title	I fucked up
Author	VitaminTHC420
Upvotes	28
Comments	60
Date	October 22, 2023 9:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17e4eoz/i_fucked_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-fucked-up.1236037 https://theredarchive.com/post/1236037

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