Newly Married. Just Had First Kid.

BlindSpoiledPotato · 2024-09-16T19:38:53+00:00

It’s not your job to make each other happy, you are just supposed to enhance it. You have to find what makes you happy. If you have any mental health issues such as anger or insecurities make sure you seek professional help in dealing with it and not drag.

Exactly65536 · 2024-09-16T12:41:25+00:00

If you are over 40, you know everything there is to know.

Within the context of this group, I'd advise one thing: not to take your happiness as granted and as something permanent or even resilient. It breaks easily and quickly.

Due_Aardvark8330 · 2024-09-15T23:31:44+00:00

Dont lose yourself. Lots of ways to lose yourself in a relationship, but losing ones self is the fastest way to ruin your marriage. When you marry someone, there is a certain expectation that the person you married will be the same person or a better person until death. Now of course this could mean many things to many people, but think of who you are today. How you feel, how you look, what you enjoy doing, what makes you happy and really see yourself. This is the person your SO married, this is the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with.

My marriage fell apart because we became worse people. We became content with our life, we stopped improving, we stopped trying, we became worse people. The problem is, you will never see yourself becoming a worse person, in the moment it will always be your SO who is the worse person. They got fat, they dont want to be intimate, they nag and complain, they dont help me, they drink too much etc etc etc. But people rarely look beyond the surface level problems to identify what really was the problem.

In my failed marriage, we both got too far into drugs and alcohol. I saw that I wasnt the person I wanted to be anymore and I tried/did change, she didnt think she needed to change/improve. She always blamed me as the one not making her happy, not as the one ultimately responsible for her own happiness. I didnt take her out on enough dates, I wasnt romantic enough, I wasnt happy enough. The reality is, once I quit drugs and alcohol, once I went to therapy, once I got fit, she refused to do any of that. She wasnt the person I fell in love with anymore and not for the better. I cant fix that. I cant make her quit drugs and alcohol, I cant make her go to therapy, I cant make her do anything to improve her own well being.

In order to take care of your marriage, you need to take care of yourself, just as you did before your marriage. Always be the person they married, unfortunately you cant make someone else be that person, so there is only so much you can do.

Gattsama · 2024-09-15T10:03:19+00:00

Love is more a series of choices and actions than a feeling. Love requires discipline and directed effort. I think of this as a work analogy.

At work, we demonstrate and choose professionalism. That means we don't lose or temper with the boss or with a difficult customer. We show up on time. We shower and dress. We do our assignments on time. We make sure the work is done well even when we don't feel like doing it.

You need to bring that same mindset and professionalism to love. You need to control tour emotions when communicating. You need to take care of your appearance and dress. You need to do the job and the work, even when you don't feel like, to the best of your ability.

Most people will never raise their voice to their boss, but have no trouble doing this to someone they (cliam) to love. Most people expect to be fired if they routinely show up late for work, but think nothing of making people they love wait.

To be successful, both parties need to adopt a loving professionalism mindset. Again, love and being loving is a series of choices; NOT a feeling.

TenuousOgre · 2024-09-15T05:02:45+00:00

These are not “good wife” recommendations but rather “how to be a good person” so it applies to both of you.

Own your words. Which means say what you mean, mean what you say, and be explicit. You can’t get mad if you hinted or suggested. Only words count as expectations or feelings that are shared.
Having integrity is key. Being honest with others and doing what you said you would is great. But the key is being honest with yourself. If you screwed up, admit it to yourself first, then your spouse. The idea of being “too proud to steal and too committed to cheat” is better if it’s your real principle, not just something you say.
Forgiveness is essential. No holding on to resentment. If an apology is offered and the behavior is changed, even if it takes time, it’s over. No holding it against them. Or you holding it against yourself. It’s brutal, but you have to remember than in the long run how you treat each other most of the time and what your intent was matter more than those weaknesses we all have and work on. This doesn’t mean breaching a hard boundary like cheating is acceptable. But personality traits, mental illness, thoughtless comments, jokes too far, we all can’t screw up and need forgiveness on both sides. If a spouse brings up something in a fight after accepting an apology for it, that’s when that “own your words” bites them in the ass. Don’t accept that from anyone, including yourself. If forgiveness is claimed it needs to be real or it will bury you eventually.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-09-15T02:49:45+00:00

If she cracks up watching some Patrice O'Neal standup, you're golden.

Millhouse201 · 2024-09-14T22:02:13+00:00

At your age a lot of the immaturity will hopefully not be an issue but hold to humility and always take care of yourself both physically and mentally.

Bumblebee56990 · 2024-09-14T20:18:54+00:00

Talk to your wife about protection and talk to a divorce attorney about protection. Protect yourself. If you get life insurance make your children the beneficiary.

This_Train340i · 2024-09-14T19:47:24+00:00

You shouldn't have got married because there is zero benefit in it for a man to sign a one way contract with the State, and men assume all the risk. Hope you have a prenup.

itoocouldbeanyone · 2024-09-14T19:46:31+00:00

Keep dating your wife.

Read ‘This is how your marriage ends”. It has a lot of info that is extremely valuable when a marriage is not drifting a part. Also ‘Fair Play’.

MissionToe3030 · 2024-09-14T19:44:50+00:00

The vow thing is only as good as how she feels.

Odd_Statistician_254 · 2024-09-14T17:53:50+00:00

I recommend you look at all your previous relationships and identify things that you did wrong, things that you regret, things that you would have done differently and apply them to this relationship. That way you have a healthy relationship and you are your best self. Good luck! 🍀

team_starfox3 · 2024-09-14T17:40:13+00:00

3 things in a good wife

-Will follow you but be honest with yout (not naive and doesn't fight your battles) -Is OK living modestly.(is OK with you not making a lot) - fights fair and honest. Problems in a relationship are fed by both parties and if one person always looks at other being the problem things will never work

Good marriage - patience snd forgiving with each other, they'll do things that upset you or drive you up a wall. But that's part of living with someone especially opposite sex

fair with money. What is fair will be different but agree on something as best you can. I've seen ppl sharing everything vs sharing only bills vs everything separate. And all have shown problems, one person spends too much, the other makes more, one is too strict etc

-bury into each other. If there are problems don't focus on your job, or the kid or the house to avoid it thinking if you cruise on this other things things will workout. Tensions may drop but the problems will still be there

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-09-14T16:09:00+00:00

Keep dating your wife. Even more critical now that she is a mom. You need to take the lead and let her be in her feminine one night a week, one weekend getaway per month, one longer trip per year. You plan it all from the location, to the hotel room afterward, to the childcare...her only job is to dress sexy and be ready at the time you tell her you are taking her out. If you don't do this she will grow resentful and feel like she is a full time mother rather than a sexual being (all men fail here the first marriage).

Invest in your marriage before you invest in a house or retirement. The romantic relationship between you and your wife comes first, even before your kids. The reason being if you let the romantic relationship die then the rest all goes away (walk away wife). Date nights and getaways must be a financial priority so save for that first.

Keep yourself in tip top shape. Nobody likes a dad bod. When your wife sees other women checking you out and flirting with you it will raise her attraction to you.

The rest will take care of itself. If you do the above you will be irreplaceable as a partner and you will have a loyal wife for long as you want.

NC_Gato · 2024-09-14T15:51:46+00:00

There is no good playbook for this question. Communication is very important, helping each other out with chores is another key factor, and making decisions together is key. Every relationship is different and both of you know each other quirks. Make sure you never go to bed angry. As a man you take the first step to fix the problem or come to a negotiable solution. If she's bull headed get close to her and look her in the eyes and kiss her. That usually works. May your marriage be one that lasts forever.

Dizzy-Ad512 · 2024-09-14T15:49:17+00:00

Great communication is key . No one is perfect. No phones in bed is great ..

Sacramentardo · 2024-09-14T15:48:06+00:00

The harder a conversation is to have, the more important it is to have NOW. If only one parter is ever initiating sex, you already have problems in your marriage. Marriage isn’t tit-for tat, both partners should do things for the other because they love them and want them happy, not because of what they expect in return. Surprise each-other regularly. Know what their love language is and act appropriately. DONT GIVE UP YOIR HOBBIES AND FRIENDS, this person is your spouse, and should not be expected to carry the full weight of your happiness.

Jiujitsu_Dude · 2024-09-14T15:46:47+00:00

Seeking marriage advice on a Divorce forum is wild 😂. But I digress.. I’m no relationship expert but I would say the number one thing that a healthy relationship must have is communication and lots of it. You will fight, you will argue but if you can talk about it and rationalize where you made mistakes and also where your partner did and you’re both willing to take responsibility I would say that’s the makings of a strong relationship

Frank24602 · 2024-09-14T15:38:01+00:00

Some advice, only sleep separate if someone is sick. Always eat at least 1 meal together (dinner) no Phones in bed, no TV in the bedroom. Go to bed at the same time, read, talk, cuddle, sex. Don't eat dinner in bed.

bkdad75 · 2024-09-14T15:02:36+00:00

Don't let the deal between you become unfair. I'm talking mostly about dollars and hours here. When stuff starts to seriously bother you about how it's all washing out, have that talk sooner rather than later, before anyone has become too mad and resentful for it to go well. Don't just suck it up, you won't be able to do that forever. Encourage her to do the same. If she argues that hey, actually this is fair, listen and try to put yourself in her position. This isn't easy. Resentment over chronic unfairness can kill marriages, and it isn't always the one doing more work who leaves. You might not be any safer carrying more than your share of the load than if it were her doing so.

No_Internet1880 · 2024-09-14T14:59:11+00:00

respect, love ❤️ ,space and sacrifice. if no.1 respect is not there then there is no marriage and love..just my 2 cents

abort_retry_flail · 2024-09-14T14:55:19+00:00

Honesty

Loyalty

Self-sacrifice

Rare traits to find in a modern woman.

Title	Newly Married. Just Had First Kid.
Author	Forsaken_Bet_3588
Upvotes	2
Comments	26
Date	September 14, 2024 2:39 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fgnki4/newly_married_just_had_first_kid/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/newly-married-just-had-first-kid.1530305 https://theredarchive.com/post/1530305

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