Numb

Daddy_data_nerd · 2023-03-11T18:06:38+00:00

First off brother, welcome home. I don't mean that in a snarky way. I'm a vet as well, so from the bottom of my heart, welcome home.

Now, to the task at hand: your relationship is done.

Just remember, that in a relationship, it takes TWO to tango. That means, yes you have your faults. You could have done better. But so could she.

SHE chose to cheat. You didn't force her to. Nothing you did made her do anything. It was an active choice she made. Just as your are, she is an adult. She made a decision, now she doesn't want to face the consequences of that choice. So she's blame shifting it onto you.

Take a day or two and process what happened. Get in touch with your chain of command and let them know what's going on. Your going to need the support of your family, military and otherwise.

Next decide whether you want to build a new relationship with her or whether you want to move on from her. If you decide to move on, talk to a lawyer. Take only advice about the process from your lawyer. No one else. Not your family. Not her family. And certainly not from the barracks lawyers out there.

If you need to talk with someone, hit me up.

OwnerAndMaster · 2023-03-11T19:37:57+00:00

Look brother. It's over. Fixing it after she cheats is impossible for reasons detailed here

Instead, prepare yourself for the rest of your life. It's a lot better than this

P.S. nothing YOU did made her cheat. She's a cheater. Understand that and move fwd without blaming yourself for anything except picking the wrong woman

johnnygluebag · 2023-03-11T19:24:26+00:00

after alot of her talking about what I did wrong and how I drove her to this, I realized I wasn't always the greatest husband. I didn't appreciate her, I did or I thought I did! I just never told her I guess. I can barely speak, I can't defend myself because she is right with alot of the things I said or did.

You're being gaslighted and manipulated big time. Her cheating is about HER, not you. You were also in this "struggling" relationship yet you didn't cheat -- only she did. If she was that unhappy she could have opened up to you or divorced you, yet she screwed other men instead. There is NEVER an excuse for infidelity.

So let me guess, you're now going to do your very best to be the greatest husband you can be, get past all these so-called deficiencies, and win her back with love, praise, and attention. It might sound counter-intuitive, but such a "pick me" dance will just result in her losing more respect for you and being even more prone to cheating.

Stand up for yourself and tell her you're divorcing her because she's a disgusting cheater who opens her legs at the first man who gives her attention when her HUSBAND leaves town. Don't accept being responsible for this. She cheated, not you.

rookiepatchaut · 2023-03-11T21:45:18+00:00

Do what you need to do with the divorce, and then radio silence aside from shared custody logistical issues. I was / am in your position. I was simping, volunteered to take all the blame, begged for her to come back, etc. Ex never apologized for a single damn thing. I was the root of all evil, even though I sacrificed my career so she could pursue hers (my ex is a doctor now).

In retrospect, I should have just alpha’d up and started dating as soon as my ex said it was over. Would have saved me time, better than therapy, and might have even taught her a lesson that I’m a prize. The entire healing process won’t be easy, but in the long-run, we’re all dead, so make the most of your little time on this small earth. Honestly, try to get laid as soon as you can from someone who is down (don’t need a 10/10 here). It’ll help remind you sex is just sex and might help with the jealousy issues.

Good luck man. Retired military as well.

Btw: whatever you do, never ever sleep with her again. That’ll just give her a power trip. Trust me on this one, since the opportunity will probably come when you least expect it. She’ll feel lonely, feel jealous, etc. and will ask you to spend the night one night.

Weary_Landscape_7098 · 2023-03-11T18:50:49+00:00

We hugged n kissed but all I could see is how she cheated numerous times while I was gone.

Over the last couple days and after alot of her talking about what I did wrong and how I drove her to this

Unless you held a gun to her head and forced her to cheat, then she cheated all on her own.

Ill_Atmosphere_414 · 2023-03-11T19:31:42+00:00

Oh did I mention she had one of these mother fuckers living in my house while I was gone 🤣🤣

TheBoyBand · 2023-03-11T20:04:06+00:00

You did NOT drive her to shit!!! Don’t do this to yourself and snap out of it asap! Semper Fi!

Edit: and get rid of this fkn Dependa asap, find yourself worth! Its there, trust me! Oorahh!

deadwoodbuttman · 2023-03-11T21:23:11+00:00

My STBX is the same way. No matter what you say or do, they take it personally even if there’s literally nothing accusatory or aggressive in your words. The last fight we had was started by her over the amount of syrup each of us puts in chocolate milk!

At the end of the day, you need to do what’s best for you and for your daughter. You aren’t responsible for your wife’s actions. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault. Your daughter is the same age as mine, they’re smart and perceptive and know when things aren’t right. She will be better off if you and your wife have separate homes, because at least you’ll be able to control that your home is a calm and stable environment for her when she’s with you.

Stay strong brother.

slcanman · 2023-03-11T21:56:47+00:00

Thank you for your service and sacrifice. I’m so sorry you have to pay the price with your family.

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-03-11T21:59:56+00:00

Wanting something is quite far from having it. When your wife started sleeping with other men, you lost the respect and appreciation of a spouse. She doesn’t love you period, and hasn’t for awhile. There’s nothing that can make things a family again, so just move ahead with a divorce.

yosemitesam00 · 2023-03-11T22:00:52+00:00

Over the last couple days and after alot of her talking about what I did wrong and how I drove her to this

I hope you see and understand what utter horseshit this is. Gaslighting 101 by a narcissist. Make sure you feel guilty for their fucked up actions.

ZTwilight · 2023-03-11T23:55:53+00:00

There’s never a good reason for cheating. She has convinced you that it was your fault that she cheated, but c’mon…. That doesn’t hold any water! If she was unhappy or felt mistreated by you, there were so many different paths she could have chosen besides cheating. IDK what the military allows in these circumstances but go talk to your CO and get your life back on track. Your daughter needs you to be strong right now.

Spodee5 · 2023-03-12T04:44:41+00:00

She took no responsibility for telling you how your actions made her feel. She gave no chance for you to change. She showed no responsibility to your relationship cheating. It's been over for her for awhile. 80% of divorces are filed by women....because they grieve relationships silently while staying in them. Protect your rights to see your child now.

Ill_Atmosphere_414 · 2023-03-12T04:57:32+00:00

I just want to say thank you, you guys have gotten me through the day. It's good to know I'm not the only one going through this. But it's also fucking tragic that some of us had /are. We are good men, for the most part as much as we can. I know I'm a good man, I am an even greater father.

Guys like us deserve happiness too, for any of you, you can always message me and I will listen(not to sound gay) but it's time we have an unfiltered to the point group therapy session. 🤘

gnackered · 2023-03-12T15:34:29+00:00

She is one of a million, not one in a million.

Similar-Guitar-6 · 2023-03-12T00:58:15+00:00

Thank you for serving.

awesomelybearded · 2023-03-12T02:58:31+00:00

It’s not your fault.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-03-12T04:25:22+00:00

You’re being gaslit brother. It’s not your fault. You didn’t drive her to do anything. No one treats their partner exactly how they want to be treated all the time or even most of the time. Just wait for the moment when she thinks you’re gonna fight for yourself and your daughter and watch her turn on a dime. Try to get your emotions back in check and be careful.

InsidePapaya8597 · 2023-05-08T10:23:17+00:00

Thank you for your service and welcome home – what a lot to take in? I’m so sorry that you’re going through this as a person who has witnessed several of my friends go through this all I can say is that I think out of the five relationships only one as a result of intense therapy and counseling thrived all related to cheating on their spouses and what the biggest problem was is they were married, and even when that person cheated, the partner, just never forgot about it it was always coming up. He was always questioning her no matter what, and he just couldn’t get over it. It broke his heart, even though his family, his moral compass to keep everybody together was his hope in life, I think the waves fell in love for the wrong reasons and it breaks my heart to hear what you’re going through and how you feel maybe you weren’t perfect but gosh I mean what a fighter you are. How did you find out she was cheating is it with somebody you know, I was cheated on once before but I wasn’t married still hurts but not the same as what I found out is I was making excuses for the reason that he did it instead of facing the facts that he felt chained and stuck in the relationship we were in feeling guilt I’m sure he would’ve done it again. Had we stay together longer second question have you been seeing anybody or have you done anything physically or emotionally to make somebody else believe you’re in a serious relationship with them? Just thought I would ask.

Title	Numb
Author	Ill_Atmosphere_414
Upvotes	11
Comments	34
Date	March 11, 2023 5:43 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11oq4uo/numb/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/numb.1176597 https://theredarchive.com/post/1176597

Comments