Separation question

stent00 · 2022-07-16T14:45:19+00:00

Don't think courts give be a rats ass over adultery anymore with no fault divorce... It's not the 1930s

Duchesst · 2022-07-16T14:44:08+00:00

You still think she is willing to try and save the marriage? Or is she keeping you as a back up for when this monkey branch might break?

MathForPay · 2022-07-16T16:51:39+00:00

Nobody has mentioned this yet, but have you considered paternity tests?

akihonj · 2022-07-16T16:53:50+00:00

Reading through your replies I ha e this to say

RUN

Do not think about reconciliation, get a paternity test done, this will not be the first time she's bean cheating on you.

Don't worry about boundaries during a separation period, they exist to ensure you play by the rules not her.

Accept your marriage is toast, if she was banging some other guy at 9 mths pregnant she absolutely does not want to fix your marriage.

Get in touch with a lawyer, get the DNA test done asap.

tyyyy110 · 2022-07-16T15:36:35+00:00

My take is this all bets and verbal agreements are off once you are separated. Sry dude. Someone is gonna feel the need to get their "itch" scratched. It is what it is. 🤷🏾‍♂️I've experienced this exact same thing dude. And honestly the courts don't care.

CrazySanta7 · 2022-07-16T16:22:00+00:00

This is very common, but realize this was planned and she was talking/hooking up with him way before. Most women don't just leave because they are not happy. They have someone lined up who gives them the 'courage' to ask for divorce / separation. It's a co-worker in many cases. Unless mandatory in your state, separation is just divorce practice. Move on with your new life.

Relative_Ad8651 · 2022-07-16T14:11:31+00:00

I would say it depends on the amount of time you’re separated. 6 months to a Year I wouldn’t consider it, but the same week I’d say there was already something there that she now could act on. I’d personally count it, but I’m sorry to hear that.

YellowFever46 · 2022-07-16T15:56:35+00:00

I hate to tell you, she didn't start seeing him that week. She's been seeing him a while.

AStirlingMacDonald · 2022-07-16T23:16:10+00:00

Other people have covered a lot of important stuff here, but I want to say this, from my own experiences and people I’ve known:

You are absolutely correct to not be fooling around during your separation. Take time, I’d say a year minimum, but honestly just however much time you need to relearn to love yourself and to find validation and fulfillment in your own life without any romantic relationship at all. For me, it was about two and a half years before I really got to this point. If you can get yourself to that point while single, you are going to have vastly improved mental health, and be much better equipped to work towards healthy relationships moving forward. The fact that your ex can’t exercise that kind of self control says a lot about her, and is a good indication that she’s not going to have healthy or successful relationships moving forward.

Stay strong, get healthy, and rebuild your life into what you want it to be.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-07-16T15:13:38+00:00

No, it most likely won’t matter to the courts. It should be a clear signal to you to end this faster and move on with your own life.

What state are you in? States have at fault divorce or not.

dadavedavid · 2022-07-16T15:29:44+00:00

I mean, technically it’s adultery until you’re divorced but sounds like a court won’t care either way, I’d that’s what you’re asking. It sounds like a shitty situation and my thoughts are with you though.

ZookeepergameLow2760 · 2022-07-16T19:12:48+00:00

I would ask a paternity’s test, your wife is playing you. After the separation, I uncovered lies that I would have never imagined. All the arguments and the bs to call for separation were just excuses to hide her true colors.

pegleg_legal · 2022-07-16T15:28:31+00:00

Unless you specifically agreed that was ok - ~~no way~~ absolutely (edit - whoops)! Especially if it was separation with the idea to reconcile.

AdrianInLimbo · 2022-07-16T17:00:15+00:00

It depends on your local laws. Really. Check with a local lawyer, paralegal, legal aid service.

I'm headed because of a cheating ex, but it bugged the shit out of me that, since we agreed to separate, it made her final affair "OK", which she constantly reminded me of, lol.

Really, if its not a problem,byou do you. To some it's tacky or shitty, but I guess the legalities are all that really matter.

Gattsama · 2022-07-16T14:22:19+00:00

I don't know the legal definition, but if you are married and someone has sex with another party, IMHO that is adultery. If you are on a trip without your partner and have sex it's cheating. If you are separated and did not agree to an open relationship or talk about it, it's cheating.

Now if you have separated because you are getting divorced, it's still cheating but who cares 🤷‍♂️ If you and your wife separated because you needed time, unless you both agreed or at a minimum informed the other party it's cheating. When in doubt, use the general rule of does the other party tell you or feel they need to hide it 🤔

No-Blackberry7887 · 2022-07-16T19:15:08+00:00

UpDateMe!

Masypha · 2022-07-16T20:44:39+00:00

You can try. She lost respect for you and moved on. Read the unplugged alpha by richard cooper and rational male by rollo tomassi. Give it a chance and see what you think.

upfnothing · 2022-07-16T21:28:48+00:00

What I’m going to say will probably come across wrong and get me down voted but here goes. No disrespect but seriously.

“Who cares?”

80% of separations end in divorce. I can’t think of a single situation in which the pro-woman family courts even cared about adultery. You’re worried about something that doesn’t matter in the end.

What you need to worry about is building a life outside of your connection to her. Your past marriage life is finished. The faster you can register that reality the faster you are ready for the million things that will hurt, anger, or trouble you in the years to come.

jkw118 · 2022-07-17T00:11:37+00:00

So here's my 2 cents.. My ex literally told me about the divorce (was essentially bedridden with depression) within 2 weeks she was up. Running out the door, going to bars, got a job.. And was screwing everything and anything.

Literally at one point brought guys into the house, with me and the kids there (that happened a few months later)

We filed like a month or two later, and she's dragged out finalizing the divorce for almost 5 years now.

So if you have kids, my recommendation is if you go out and date. Great, just don't introduce anyone to the kids unless your thinking it's going to lead to a long term relationship (that doesn't mean marriage necessarily) (I give myself 6 months+ of seeing someone before I introduce them, (granted usually it's only every other weekend and a night once a week I can swing even seeing them, since I have the kids primarily. (You don't want to have the kids growing up with a revolving door of guys/girls.

My ex literally walked past me and the kids when she was going out one time, saying out loud. "Kids mommy's going out to go find your new daddy." Yep.. right to my face.. any case..

The time without seeing anyone is really a time to sort yourself out. Depending on how the relationship was etc.. whether you've been expecting/ relieved about it all.. Can affect how much time you need to adjust..

I mean dating someone, and then calling them by your ex's name isn't a good thing. Whether you realize it or not their's alot of things in your life you probably interacted with your ex on.

Eagleseekr · 2022-07-17T00:13:31+00:00

You're justifying her infidelity the week you guys agreed to a separation agreement. Co-parent your child and move on....You think she's going to be loyal down the road, when she mashed a co-worker the week you filled for separation. Why are you willing to tolerate someone else's slop? Another dude smashed your wife while separated....Seriously, wake up man!

jerrygarciesisdead · 2022-07-17T02:19:40+00:00

Depends on the state. Even if separated in va if you have sex considered adultery and can nullify alimony. Depends entirely non your states laws

Title	Separation question
Author	LetsJustThrowItOut
Upvotes	13
Comments	74
Date	July 16, 2022 2:07 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/w0hi0f/separation_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/separation-question.1123587 https://theredarchive.com/post/1123587

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