Won but Feel Bad

sicrm · 2025-02-08T11:14:52+00:00

it’s hard to turn those feelings off so put it this way, she married you, had kids with you, and was supposed someone you grew old with. instead she slept with felon and put you and your kids at risk.

then she still went after 50% of your pension when she could’ve forego it or took a lesser amount voluntary, don’t feel bad.

Aggravating-Ad-5793 · 2025-02-08T07:52:06+00:00

If you are now divorcing the mother of your "older" children, when did you have your younger children.

TheNattyJew · 2025-02-08T03:40:06+00:00

She would have got 50% of my pension but now only gets half.

Uh, isn't 1/2 the same thing as 50%? What am I missing?

Big_Calendar_4170 · 2025-02-07T22:00:57+00:00

Jealous of you and the other posters, but also happy for you. Mine cheated and fell into affair fog, but it ended too soon and she got 1/2 of everything and contributed zero. She also got spousal support until divorce finalized and then alimony for 18 months. The day her alimony ran out I was taken back for a CS reassessment. I fought and still fight tooth and nail on everything and a large cost to me for legal fees, but fuck her… she’ll have to earn every extra penny she gets so now we’re litigating her earnings capacity again.

dadplup · 2025-02-07T20:55:20+00:00

I was married for almost 19 years.

My nexw was trying to and I quote " leave my a## and make me pay thru the nose" that's what she would tell her friends who in turn warned me about, I confronted her and admitted it.

She tried to manipulate the system against me, sent police and cps after me, when that didn't work she made even worse accusations. Then was planning to use her health issues to get a better judgement, unluckily for her I kept receipts, police reports, cps reports,emails, texts, vm and videos of her antics and our interactions regarding the kids, she was so afraid that she didn't show up to court. I got a default judgement on custody and 4 months later another default judgement on the finalized divorce. She got nothing but what she had in her possession.

Over the next 3 years I found out how rough life has been to her, I don't enjoy it, I don't mock her or anything really, I do feel bad because of the lack of relationship between her and our daughter, they don't talk, ex blamed me for that, but did cause more damage by trash talking the kid and me.

Her family has disown her(it had nothing to do with me) of the 3 kids none want anything to do with her, I feel bad in the human sense, I don't want her to go hungry, I just don't want her sitting at my table, if that makes sense.

Classic_Dill · 2025-02-07T20:33:03+00:00

If you feel bad for her, it’s a clear indication that you’re not over the marriage and not over her yet. I was also cheated on after 27 years, she probably had a couple more affairs before that I assume from what I’ve heard.

With all due respect, may I suggest a psychiatrist? You need to sort of start working on self-respect and self-worth, because if it was at a higher level, you wouldn’t feel this way currently. She decided to cheat on you, she decided to break her marriage files, she decided to possibly bring you home an STI, she decided to carry on an affair behind your back. She didn’t make one poor decision, she made several bad decisions and she kept making them over and over and over, that’s what a cheater does.

Why you would feel bad for her is beyond me? You should be happy that the court system actually worked the way it was supposed to, balanced and equal. She made her choices, my friend, don’t act like she didn’t know what she was doing, she knew damn well what she was doing and she knew if it ended in divorce, she would get half of your stuff, thank your lucky stars and a walk away, don’t feel one bad thing about her, she made her bed now she gets to get tucked in and sleep in it.

Reflog1791 · 2025-02-07T19:21:43+00:00

Don’t feel bad. We do a much much better job spending money on the kids. My entire CS check pays for my exes new truck. It’s a joke.

I was able to rebuild. More money in dad’s pocket is better for the kids. These ex wives and white knights disagree but who cares. Idgaf what single moms or white knights think.

2025-02-07T19:02:29+00:00

My ex lost alimony. I did feel guilty at first. Not sure why. I feel she took advantage of me for all those years. And yeah, that's actually true. Go figure. After the divorce, when she had to make ends meet, she went from 50k/yr to 100k/yr and basically doubled her own pension with 25 years. FML.

So, don't feel too bad. We should all be responsible for ourselves and our kids, but not another grown adult.

My wife road on my coattails (and I resented it) and then finally did what I've always asked her to do, get a real job. We were priced out of the housing market for so long. Now that we're independent, my kids tell me she constantly complains about work. Oh really? :)

ArizonaSpartan · 2025-02-07T16:48:16+00:00

Have a good friend, his ex cheated two different times, second time with a convicted sex offender and they have kids. He spent $30k and 2 years to get the divorce done, judge threw the book at her - he got the house, 80% custody, the kids hate mom and the AP sex offender, court ordered some strict things on her due to situation, he felt no pity. And ex does not realize AP groomed her.

Good win dude.

Thenewandimprovedu · 2025-02-07T15:44:45+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. What's truly sad is the fact that she cheated and only gets 25% of your pension is seen as a favorable agreement. The system needs to be restructured badly. I'd truly be a fool to be married again. There are benefits if you plan to raise children but other than that, the punishment for divorce far outweighs the "feelings" of being In love.

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2025-02-07T15:44:30+00:00

I used mine's limerence with the AP combined with her guilt for breaking the family to get a sweet deal myself. I don't feel "bad" about it, but I know she very much struggles since she broke it off with AP and I cover certain 'shared' expenses for the kids outright. It's in my favor to not make her bring me to court for CS out of desperation.

Character-Change-507 · 2025-02-07T15:23:47+00:00

You loved her. Just like I loved my ex. You cared about her. You want her to succeed and you don't want to see her fall. Unfortunately it's no longer in your control or your concern. She made this choice and you both must live with it. I'll never forget the disappointment I felt when our friends told me she quit her career of nearly 15 years and how far she set her self back. You're a good man and I'm sorry for what happened to you.

crzapy · 2025-02-07T14:45:43+00:00

You feel bad because you are a decent person who loved her. She denies it because she is a selfish person who cheated and wanted to destroy you financially.

Take the W. Both in cash and karma.

One-Donkey-9418 · 2025-02-07T14:27:24+00:00

I kept my 401k and gave her 40% of the house and a few years child support. I forced that deal because I knew she was desperate to be with the AP. Only after did I hear about how I took advantage of her. Nobody cares.

Exactly65536 · 2025-02-07T14:11:32+00:00

I didn't have the same situation leading to the divorce, but I feel bad at times how cheap it ended up to be.

I paid my ex a lump some of $20,000 to settle, of which, if I look at the situation fair and square, 15,000 were what I actually owed her, and 5 was a bit of extra, something of a ransom she extorted. It was a big money at the time and at the place.

I took a loan to pay her, which halved in price due to local currency inflation. So I basically took 5k from the bank and ended up repaying 3k. And then in just 4 years, my monthly salary was $6500, so this settlement became completely invisible.

I kind of felt I was a big winner in this transaction. If she'd stayed, she'd have 10 times what I paid.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2025-02-07T14:06:49+00:00

Sun Tzu said "When you are able to attack, do so with full force and leave no escape for the enemy."

Well done my man!

mundolingua · 2025-02-07T13:42:30+00:00

She screwed herself 🤷‍♂️ live nicely man 🍻

Suspicious_Ad_6271 · 2025-02-07T13:41:49+00:00

Similar story here. Substitute convicted felon with college boyfriend from 20 years ago. I got out relatively unscathed. I have the kids 75% so no child support, she gets none of my military pension or 401k, I get the house but have to split proceeds if I ever sell, and we split our bank account 50-50. I also had to pay alimony but only $500 a month for a year…which just ended. She is struggling financially right now and I would feel bad if she didn’t sabotage every rapprochement over the past year (e.g., sued me for child support despite not having the kids, accused me of stealing her wedding ring, stole $200 out of one of my accounts that she still had access to a year later)

salacious_pickle · 2025-02-07T13:26:12+00:00

You lost me on the pension numbers. 50% is half, right?

adrianmonologovich · 2025-02-07T13:24:24+00:00

Good.

>Anyone have something similar?

90% of men? But Just approx. +-10%.

Way forward? Be convicted felon without being convicted felon. Till the day you die.

regertsrus · 2025-02-07T13:24:00+00:00

In my state, infidelity has no effect on outcome or the judges decision. I dont know what kind of archaic state you live in but please take me there. ;)

Title	Won but Feel Bad
Author	Helpful-Paramedic463
Upvotes	93
Comments	84
Date	February 7, 2025 1:01 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ijug7d/won_but_feel_bad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/won-but-feel-bad.1543205 https://theredarchive.com/post/1543205

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