Hello

I am 22M in a relationship with 21F. She's my first girlfriend, I am her second boyfriend. I've only had short flings before.

I used to be a redpill a while ago, but I realized how toxic all that was and quit before it was too late, but the damage has already been done it looks like.

Basically I am TERRIBLY afraid of opening myself up to her. It's gotten to the point where during movie nights, I flat out refuse to watch anything that might have a sad scene because I cry easily at movies (ffs, I get choked up at the end of Harry Potter when Hagrid gives him the album with photos of his parents) and whenever a sad song comes up on the radio or in a playlist I skip it right away if I'm with her because, again, those things get a reaction out of me. Recently my grandma got sick (she's better now though) but I was a little bit affected by it, during the whole time I did my best to avoid her so she wouldn't see me being sad and distraught, and I chalked it up to it being a really busy time at work and school (which is partially true, many projects were due during this time, and I also work in customer service and it's crazy during the holidays, but definitely not so much so that I couldn't see her). I could tell that she was sad because we couldn't see each other but she understood. And it's not even just sad things, sometimes I get the urge to wrap her tightly in my arms and kiss that beautiful face all over while telling her how much I love her, but I feel like I'll look needy and clingy as all hell (I haven't even told her I love her so far, just the usual, "I like you and care a lot about you").

These are just off the top of my head. I came to you for advice because before redpill and reddit (I know, ironic, coming to reddit for help after saying this), I was not like this. I had no fear of opening up or anything. My parents always said that crying is a completely normal thing to do and it is a way of relieving stress and pain. I have no prior relationship trauma regarding opening up and it backfiring, since this is my first serious relationship. Many of my male friends didn't have a relationship long enough that got to the point where something happened that made them cry, and the few who did either didn't have such experiences, or the just didn't talk about it as the subject never really came up.

The only reason why I am like this is being told so over and over again in redpill spaces, and it still being a very prevalent thing because whenever someone on reddit (be it askreddit, askmen, nostupidquestions, menslib, etc) brings up this topic, the comment section is FILLED TO THE BRIM with men who tell about how they opened up and their partner lost respect and attraction, and sometimes it happened with multiple different partners at different points in time. And these men don't even consider themselves RP/MGTOW, just regular men who experienced this over and over again. It looks like the negative experiences far outweigh the positive ones.

I know, believe me, I do, that not every woman is like that and that there are good ones out there, but I am just thinking, what are my chances of finding such a person? All of those men who got burned also believed that their partner at the time was a safe space and they got burned.

So, to sum up, I have a terrible fear of opening up to my girlfriend. She has stated sometimes that I seem closed off and asked if I was alright and if I wanted to talk, but I just... don't trust that she won't be just one of those women who says and thinks that she'll react a certain (positive) way, but when faced with the real deal, she won't like it and she'll stop finding me attractive. It's gotten to the point where I have so much anxiety over this that I'm contemplating ending the relationship, despite everything else being okay. I know I basically lose her either way, but at least I lose her on my own terms than suffer the trauma. And at least this way I don't lose more time, effort and money on a doomed relationship.

I'm lost and scared and don't know what to do.