A golden comment from this sub

DallasM19 · 2021-10-28T11:27:48+00:00

As a childfree woman, when I was dating, men would get BIG mad that I didn't/don't want kids. I didn't know these dudes aside from being matched. So, I'd ask the following, since they were so passionate about my choice : "Why do you want to be a dad" Top answers I've gotten over the years: "It looks fun/ so my legacy lives on/to create someone who's like me/ I want to settle down and have a family (the classic non-answer).

Back when I had a few more fcks to give and felt like wasting my time explaining something to a human brick wall, I'd say "yeah it's a ton of work, and a massive committment and time consuming. It changes everything"

Ladies - it was so easy to tell that they really never thought of any of this - and what's worse, didn't give a flying fck. Why? Not his job, in his eyes.

They want the label and none of the work. An honorary degree. I don't even think most want a partner - how can you be a partner to a woman or see her as one when you barely even see her as a person? By this example alone, it's just so clear - 'have my kids, pay half the bills, do 80% of the work regarding emotional, mental labour, housekeeping, event planning, personal assistant, (free) SW - and whenever I want - but don't forget to coddle me like my mom. Be a perfect mom but don't pay more attention to the kids than me 😡.'

Sage_Planter · 2021-10-28T14:30:50+00:00

I'm in my thirties, and I've seen many divorces (some with kids) because of this exact reason.

Want to know the common denominator in all of them?

The women were the ones driving the relationship forward.

This is why we tell women to be passive but active. You should not be asking men out, begging for engagements, or planning weddings after 6 years of dating. Your partner should be absolutely enthusiastic about next steps together. My divorced peers were with men who just went along for the ride and thought "yeah, well, I guess we've been married for 2 years so sure yeah, everyone asks when we're having kids so I guess let's do it." That is not the man you want children with.

Feral_Housewife_ · 2021-10-28T14:53:11+00:00

My bf is childfree and never wanted bio kids. I am a single mother. When I tell you he WORKS for his relationship with my son, and with me. He is in it every day doing the work. He is absolutely beyond committed to my kid and making sure he is well cared for and loved. I'm talking infinite patience, on the floor building Legos every day, knows all his favorite foods and cooks them for him, having their own tooth brushing routine and reading bedtime stories, doing literal research on how to build the stuff my son wants to build in Minecraft on my non-custodial days. He does more for my son than I see most biological fathers doing for their kids by a long shot. I think the actual nitty gritty of partnership and co-parenting is what separates the boys from the men, and unfortunately SO many fall short when they are faced with the actual drudgery of being IN it with their wives.

nomaki221 · 2021-10-28T13:01:59+00:00

This is very true and applies to other things in life as well, like just plain old relationships. The man has to want you, all of you. Not just the benefits of having you.

shedipity · 2021-10-28T09:24:52+00:00

I’d love to know who the OP was

Okami-Sama19 · 2021-10-28T14:07:23+00:00

I've been struggling on possibly having kids due to external pressure, but I know I don't want them for several reasons.

This comment warms my soul.

ivory_727 · 2021-10-28T16:13:38+00:00

This is so true. You can't just take a man's word at face value. If he says he wants kids, ask him "what does having a family mean to you?" I wish I had done that with my ex. I would have learned that his master plan for a family consisted of offloading childrearing responsibilities to his mom and his dad/stepmom even though he was constantly blaming his mom for how she fucked up his childhood.

These men aren't thinking about how important the early years are for child development. They aren't thinking about the effort required for prepping healthy meals for kids, changing diapers, setting up play dates with other kids. They aren't thinking about how important parental bonding is. They aren't thinking about how children are people who deserve THE BEST you can possibly give them. Nope. Kids are just accessories to some guys.

squaremarshmallow · 2021-10-28T13:11:17+00:00

The difference between hv fathers and lv ones is stark. Many of my Uncles are hvm and when I talk with them about their kids, they always tend to have "future plans" in the works, all the time. For example one is already planning the ways he will support his daughter through getting settled and thriving in high school, another one is already planning how to speed up his son's reading comprehension so he's ahead when he gets to the next grade. They talk a lot about their kids. My dad on the other hand couldn't be trusted to bring us to school early. He doesn't know exactly what I do for a living and can't even tell you what I majored in in college. You can absolutely tell the difference between men who planned for families and the ones who just had them for the benefits or just to check another box.

SayNad · 2021-10-28T19:07:11+00:00

A lot of men just want the image of happily married man and all the benefits of having the woman of the house without even thinking what all those actually entails - they are far more short-sighted than what they portray.

They literally think it is that easy - just get married and things will work out somehow because that's what it has always been for them - not realizing how many sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears are drawn to ensure their spoiled little ass can continue living life comfortably.

The truth is the majority of men nowadays aren't suitable marriage candidate at all - they are too spoiled and pampered to lead a family unit of their own.

Zurflu · 2021-10-28T14:44:02+00:00

Most men see a wife/kids as a big shiny toy like a boat or car that they can trade after every promotion. They want to have a better wife and kids than other men, it has nothing to do with being a family.

fg_hj · 2021-10-28T08:59:54+00:00

Ofc being HV doesn’t depend on wanting kids in itself. The comment just goes for people who want kids specifically. It’s a very strong message tho.

The majority of men believe (and may believe very strongly) that they want kids but when it comes to it they don’t.

FineDeliciousSnakes · 2021-10-28T12:17:32+00:00

This is an amazing post. Really. It should be in the handbook somehow

PicoPicoMio · 2021-10-28T17:07:08+00:00

I had been getting pressured from both sides of the family to have a baby. And I really do want a child, I’m fully aware of the commitment, hard work and physical/mental/financial sacrifices that come along with being a mother.

The reason I’m child free atm is because my scrote ex would be a kodak dad, and would put 0% effort in. He once told me he would never prioritize family over work, because his work is more important and gives him a sense of fulfillment. 🤡

My in-laws wouldn’t have been helpful as they live far away and my family lives abroad. I would have been completely alone and isolated. It was just a non-starter.

Lately I’ve been coming out of the fog and realizing how much of a gift my ex gave me by setting me free.

Apprehensive_Ad_7917 · 2021-10-28T14:17:39+00:00

This is absolutely it. I’ve been on the fence about kids and I got a baby animal recently. Watching my fiancé take care of our little creature in such a committed and meaningful way has pushed me deeply into “I think I want kids with this man” territory. He’s so sweet and involved and he’s not even 100% his yet since we are moving in together next year. He’s been going out of his way to help me with chores at my place so my burden is lighter, I’m talking has done all my laundry since July with no plans to stop. He’s a real partner and is likely going to be a great dad.

creamtart_ · 2021-10-28T09:13:56+00:00

Credit the original commenter if it’s from this sub. Otherwise it looks like karma farming/stealing someone else’s content.

Title	A golden comment from this sub
Author	fg_hj
Upvotes	473
Comments	62
Date	October 28, 2021 8:36 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qhifl0/a_golden_comment_from_this_sub/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-golden-comment-from-this-sub.1081386 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081386

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