Story time! I am good friends with an older, male lawyer who is also a mentor of sorts. He married his HS sweetheart at 20 and lived a full, rich life with her. Moved from their tiny, Midwestern town to NYC, Paris, DC and eventually settled in Seattle. They had 4 kids and several dogs. Stunning home, thriving legal practice, lots of travel, hosted parties all the time etc. He praised his wife at every opportunity and treated her like a queen. She didn't work. He hired a cleaning service and made life easier for her, so she could focus on motherhood.

In Dec 2019. he called me to inform me that their annual holiday party was off because his wife was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. His HV behavior was intact. He moved her to NYC to get treated at Sloan Kettering, bought a beautiful condo there so she could enjoy living in the city (they planned to retire in NYC and enjoy an urban, active lifestyle), he took care of everything (bills, appointments, food, cleaning etc). He made sure his 4 adult kids visited regularly and paid for his wife's family to visit. He took her to shows and restaurants. When COVID hit, he bought a car and drove in NY traffic so she wouldn't be exposed to public transport or dirty cabs. As the cancer worsened, he was there every step of the way, including helping her use the bathroom and cleaning up her puke.

Tragically, she passed in Aug 2020 with him by her side. I still read his blog and his gut-wrenching posts about his loss. He has since started a foundation to help pay for women to get free cancer screenings and genetic testing for that kind of cancer. He posts a lot about his late wife and their wonderful life. He sold his house and condo because he couldn't bear to live in their house of 30 years without her. Now that vaccinations are in full-force, he started a widow/ers' support group and I see them every morning at the local park.

This is what a HV man looks like.

- He was married for 45 years without cheating or abusing her.

- He valued her role as a mother.

- He romanced her for 45 years by taking her on dates and trips.

- He provided for a large family of 6 without b*tching.

- He stood by her side in the face of terminal illness.

- He continues to help other women facing cancer.

- He enriches the lives of other bereaved spouses.

- He lives independently without rushing into marriage with a new wife-mommy.

- He generously shares his time and knowledge with newbie attorneys.

- He continues to honor her life and memory.

Ask yourself if your husband (or future husband) does any or all of this? Are you 100% certain that he will care for you if you get sick? Does he work hard to support your family or remind that that "we are 50/50 lulz." How does he talk about you to others?