I got an IUD Friday. Not only was the insertion a 7/10, but I was also at the doctor’s office for three hours recovering from the following 8-9/10 contractions. I was hyperventilating, shaking uncontrollably, constantly on the verge of passing out, and could barely verbalize more than a yes or no. I couldn’t even hold my own ice pack on my head.

During the insertion, my doctor kept asking if I wanted to stop. I kept saying no. I didn’t want to have to go through this again—I just wanted to get it over with. I knew I wouldn’t be able to gather up the “courage” for another appointment. I’ll just power through.

Afterwards, the nurses kept asking if I wanted to take it out, that it would be so easy to do—that if it’s unbearable I didn’t have to bear it. I kept saying no, that once I got through the pain, it would be fine. I just had to get through it.

It’s two days later, and while the cramping is only a 4/10, a rumbling baseline of discomfort deep within my core, and my body is bloated up to that familiar hormonal degree, I’m done.

“People” say their pain lasts for 12 hours, until the next day, for a week, for three months—oh, if it’s past six months, then you can take it out. But might as well wait until eight, just in case. Why? Why? Why on earth would I tolerate this? Why can I only think about how my insurance company will only cover surgical procedures if I’ve tried all of these NONINVASIVE methods first? I’ve never felt the loss of bodily autonomy so acutely than I do now, and I’ve had a LOT of surgeries.

How did I ever convince myself that if I could JUST wait out this pain, I’d get five years of “not having to worry” about birth control? Even though I’m already worried it might perforate my uterine lining—even though every time it twists it kills me, even though it might be expelled, even though it could get dislodged, even though, even though, even though.

Where is my line? For what perceived benefit am I willing to hurt myself for? This time, it took two days. And my father asks me why I would “give in” so soon, why not just wait the week out?

Why not just wait my whole life? Why not just wait. Why not just tolerate it all. Just because I can does not mean I should.

EDIT: While it being birth control is a bonus, I chose to have it inserted because that is the gold standard for treatment of my diagnosis.