Don't date men who are mentally ill

ManchurianCantaloupe · 2020-03-13T17:48:43+00:00

Women internalize their mental illness and perceive it as a personal failing.

Men will refuse to seek treatment and blame literally anyone but themselves for their behavior and feelings.

This is a well-known psychological phenomenon.

It's not fucking worth it.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-03-13T17:38:55+00:00

I used to get anxiety but only when I had a crush on someone. Because of it I avoided dating because I don't feel good and didn't want to make a partner have to go out of their way to cater to me. I was also aware that no amount of them doing what I thought I wanted would help me, that even if they did it I'd then just need more. So I avoided it. Then I got on meds for anxiety and I tried to date someone. When we started dating I was fine but as I got to know him I became worse. I thought it was me, but at the end we got in a fight and all the hallmarks of gaslighting were there and I realized it. I wasn't naturally anxious! I get anxious in response to crazy making behavior. This is why in my normal life I Do Not have anxiety. I have anxiety when people fuck with me over a long period of time.

Relationships are extremely triggering to mental illness.

If a person cannot in their own manage their issues, or if the relationship is triggering something, they need to leave. Even in the case of my anxiety being caused by his actions, it was always my responsibility to leave.

Dating mentally ill people who manage their symptoms On Their Own without you having to change your behavior to accommodate them, or become their therapist, is fine.

chungkingxbricks · 2020-03-13T20:56:24+00:00

Made a huge mistake of dating a narcissist. Didn't know it at the time. Had never even heard for the term. So many years lost and so much psychological damage. Don't do it. It's not worth your peace because sadly, your love is not enough to "save" him.

SemiSweetStrawberry · 2020-03-13T22:43:28+00:00

Untreated mental illness. Some mental illness doesn’t ever go away (depression, for example) but they can be well managed and even go into remission. If your prospective man says “Yeah, I’ve struggled with depression but my therapist says I’ve been doing a really good job” this is a GOOD SIGN. He’s willing to get help for himself and he’s willing to see a therapist, something that is “intrinsically feminine” (ie not just bottling up your feelings.

No one is perfect, but we shouldn’t be looking for “prefect”. We need to look for someone who has shown that they are absolutely capable of taking care of themselves and working on bettering themselves without anyone having to hold their hand for them to do it.

rinabean · 2020-03-13T19:48:00+00:00

Yes! This is true for women too (get yourself right first... if only because you're more vulnerable if you don't) but it is also massively gendered:

Men think their friends and even actual therapists can't help them, but a woman they're fucking can

Men use mental illness as an excuse for abuse

Men go to therapy and decide you're the cause of all their issues - even if those issues long predated him meeting you! And they'll try and diagnose you with shit too (and yours isn't an excuse unlike his!)

Men are also 100% not above letting you fix them and then moving on to greener pastures.

If you're married, there are exceptions, but I do generally believe in "in sickness and in health". But dating? Just another example of women acting like wives to men they're not married to, and in a world where so many actual husbands don't act like husbands. Absolutely do not! No reason to. If you want to help a traumatised creature learn to love and act normally, rescue a dog. It at least will probably actually appreciate your efforts!

Sewud · 2020-03-13T21:32:13+00:00

If a HVM struggles with a mental illness he will not be dating

This is so true and so well put. It's so weird mentally ill guys who are out there asking for a girlfriend and saying that will help them get better. How selfish can men be? LVM just want to use women for various benefits.

2020-03-13T23:29:03+00:00

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ctrlcutie · 2020-03-14T01:45:20+00:00

as someone with depression and trying really hard on getting better I just rather not deal/be around mentally ill people

2020-03-13T19:13:56+00:00

I can't second this enough. Mentally ill LVMs will seek you out as a therapist/maid/fucktoy on call, drain your energy and time, and ultimately give you nothing in return for your investment.

Mental illness in LVMs is also more likely to come prepackaged with things like porn addiction and an explosive temper. If you suspect he's LVM and mentally ill, dip as fast as you can.

RunningWithTheBoys · 2020-03-13T19:59:14+00:00

I needed to hear this. Thanks for posting, sis. 😁

QueenOfColors · 2020-03-13T17:24:30+00:00

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sososonia · 2020-03-13T19:43:11+00:00

I told my current SO that I am mentally ill and he still pursued me. On my days that I’m feeling great, we both enjoy our time together. On the days that I’m feeling shitty, he takes good care of me. He reminds me to take my meds, my appointments, keeping up with hospital visits, etc. it really helps that he’s neurotypical and has the energy to take care of me. He is so supportive and it taught me to never accept anything less. Even while being mentally ill, a man has to add quality to your life in order to be in your life.

miqotes · 2020-03-14T06:38:21+00:00

I have C-PTSD. If I waited to have that figured out, i'd never be dating anyone and die single. Its a lifelong issue. No amount of therapy, nor medication is going to "cure" me.

Whats more important is wether said person has worked through it, and continues to. My HVM knows a similar struggle, and I would have never known he had these issues if it weren't for him telling me, do to how wonderfully he had learned to handle them on his own.

BlackEmeraldMoon · 2020-03-14T15:35:25+00:00

My ex had multiple mental issues, he had bizarre hang-ups about sex too, he felt guilty for wanting to have sex with me, and got upset by women wearing 'revealing' clothes in the streets.

It's so tiring, cut and run.

WestAtmosphere · 2020-03-13T22:04:47+00:00

True. Dated a narc. For one he won’t ever get help because he’s a narcissist but also wouldn’t because of his mentality that men don’t need to get help.

It’s a lost cause and better to count your losses.

potatodreams3000 · 2020-03-13T18:36:17+00:00

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Datonecatladyukno · 2020-03-13T22:49:14+00:00

This is a very poignant, necessary post. So many woman want to save a man, and saving a mentally ill one is even better. NO! Save yourself ffs

purpleprinter_ · 2020-03-13T17:07:59+00:00

I think anyone who is mentally ill needs to voluntarily take them self out of the dating pool. People need to fix their own problems before getting into a relationship. It is not fair to make someone else put up with your mental illness. If you are depressed, getting into a relationship isn’t going to magically fix all your issues. Also people with depression cannot take care of themselves. I’ve had depression for years and during the hard times it’s been difficult to do tasks such as brush my teeth or my hair. That is NASTY and you should not subject others to that.

myaccountiscool · 2020-03-14T22:43:31+00:00

My ex husband was and still is bipolar. I cannot tell you the misery he put me through. From poverty, to jealousy, to violence... so much physical violence and then saying it was my fault.

I feel bad for agreeing with you because it’s not someone’s fault if they’re mentally ill, but I’ve been there and done that, and I deserve some peace. I have PTSD from the beatings I was given.

MagnoliaMirage · 2020-03-13T19:32:54+00:00

Completely agree. I have BPD and depression. Avoided relationships as I knew I could not be what I asked for. Took a long time for myself. Finding what works for me.

The best thing someone with issues can do is stay away from a relationship. Don't ruin someone else till you have figured out a way to work through your issues (and are actively doing something about it).

MandJtraveltogether · 2020-03-14T02:51:59+00:00

Don't even date a man who was previously mentally ill.

No matter what he says about how he's over it, or his medication is working, or he is a new man. He's not over it, he can stop taking their medication, lol no sis he's not a new man.

The consequences of a man relapsing on his mental illness can be literally deadly. I would never put myself in a risky situation like that. Past mental illness in men is the biggest indicator of future mental illness. He'll also pass those genes down to our children and perpetuate it.

boodilou · 2020-03-13T22:24:56+00:00

If an otherwise HVM randomly tells you that he tried committing suicide 10 years ago, would that be a huge red flag? Not sure. He said he went to therapy for 2 years after. Pretty sure it was because of a bad break up. But is still single and has commitment issues at 41 🙄maybe not hv like I thought.

harasquietfish6 · 2020-03-25T03:04:57+00:00

Truth! If you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?

CuriousCatNYC777 · 2020-03-13T20:47:01+00:00

And don’t be afraid to check his medicine cabinet !!

Be RUTHLESS!

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-13T20:09:17+00:00

Yes.

2020-03-13T22:50:01+00:00

I agree

Title	Don't date men who are mentally ill
Author	pinkyberries
Upvotes	234
Comments	75
Date	March 13, 2020 5:02 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fi2wko/dont_date_men_who_are_mentally_ill/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-date-men-who-are-mentally-ill.680281 https://theredarchive.com/post/680281

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