Recently, a lot of discourse surrounding Attachment Theory (specifically Avoidant attachment styles) has passed FDS. Ruthless experienced Queens won't fall into the trap of an emotionally unavailable Avoidant partner. However, some of us will struggle to differentiate Avoidant behaviour from a Securely attached person who simply needs space. This post is directed at them.

The Avoidant attached

Until an Avoidant Levels Up and becomes more Securely attached, their knee-jerk reaction to intimacy will be to view it as a threat, and they will shut down in response to it. I'm talking evading, ignoring, leaving, silent treatment, stonewalling, the works. Your love will literally trigger them into avoiding you. Your vulnerability terrifies them, and will inspire cold distancing behaviour on their part.

Most Avoidants are unaware of their shut-down behaviour. When confronted, they are usually quick to blame you for being too clingy, too smothering, and too demanding. After a shut-down episode, they will circle back to you when they've had enough space from the perceived threat that triggered them. The catch is, that the threat is you. Continuing a relationship with an Avoidant is futile for this very reason. It is simply a matter of time before they get triggered into shutting down again, and the toxic push-pull cycle continues. Avoidants are, by very definition, emotionally unavailable.

Differentiating Secure need for space from Avoidant shut-down using 'bids'

Every healthy individual needs space from time to time. In healthy relationships, partners won't fulfill every single request we make to them, won't always be available for us, and they won't prioritise our wants every time we express them. So how do you differentiate between a Secure individual setting healthy boundaries, and an Avoidant individual shutting down and taking space out of fear?

To me it boils down to this: do they turn towards my bids for attention, or do they turn against/away?

A healthy, Securely attached individual will turn towards the vast majority of your bids. Even if they cannot fulfill your actual request, they will let you know in a timely and respectful manner that makes you feel heard and cherished. That is still 'turning towards' you, since they are acknowledging your bid. Not ignoring it or rejecting it in an argumentative way.

Bids explained

The Gottman Institute describes bids as "the fundamental units of emotional communication".

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids. (source)

Turning towards means: you acknowledging the bid. Turning away: ignoring or missing the bid. Turning against: rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way.

Imagine you’re tidying up the kitchen and your partner asks you how your day was. You could pause, look up from what you’re doing and respond with details about the challenging phone call you had that day. That’s turning towards. You’re telling your partner you see and value them.

Turning away from your partner, in the same situation, would be ignoring them or just grunting and continuing what you were doing.

Turning against them takes the form of an attack, such as replying, “Why are you always interrupting me when I’m trying to get things done?” (source)

A study has been conducted by the Gottman Institute which concluded turning towards bids is a reliable indicator for relationship success:

At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time. (source)

Bids applied to the Avoidant

My (Dismissive) Avoidant LVX would continuously turn away from my bids. They would ignore or dodge my questions, would leave me on read for hours on end, made me feel like I wasn't even in the room on many occasions. Turning away is the most hurtful response to a bid, and can be very subtle. From an unreturned smile or 'empty' eye contact, to not responding to a gentle touch. It is the complete absence of any physical, verbal, or emotional response. It will make you feel insignificant, invisible, and unloved.

The amount of bid requests I made to connect with them, overwhelmed the Avoidant. They'd shut-down in response and started to turn away to create the distance they needed to feel comfortable. This in stark contrast to a healthy turn towards response, which actually builds intimacy.

Conclusion: Vetting Strategy

Start making small bids and observe their response. Sigh to see if they'll ask you what's up. Try and initiate eye contact in a group setting, see if they acknowledge you. Mention you have no plans this weekend and would love to go out, to see if they make plans/let you know they aren't available, or leave you hanging. Tell them you're cold when you're outside together, observe if they'll go into problem solving mode or leave you to shiver. Tell them you love massages and your neck hurts, etcetera.

Dump anyone with the audacity to turn away from your bids on sight. You do not deserve to be ignored and made to feel like a nuisance. Believe me, it gets worse over time.

Them turning away from your bids is a form of emotional abuse, don't let yourself get gaslit into believing it was unintentional. Your intuition will naturally know the difference between a turn away, and someone who unintentionally ignored you (e.g. because they didn't hear you or didn't spot you in a crowd). Turning away demonstrates they don't possess the emotional maturity to even acknowledge your existence when it doesn't serve them.