I'm going to sound ridiculous...

RuntheContinent · 2021-12-03T04:06:40+00:00

I'm really sorry about the disappointment you're feeling, but it really does sound like you handled this quite well, all things considered.

I know how it feels when someone gets your hopes up and then turns out to be so different than you thought. It's not your fault though.

I suspect he's surprised you're not contacting him. If he ever does reach out again, be strong. You are worth much more than this.

KindredMaximus · 2021-12-03T03:40:26+00:00

He got to the third date and didn't get his objective. He then found out you are a virgin and to him, that rang alarm bells of ''Damn, how much more time would I have to put in, to get what I want?".
There is no need to think about him - if it was a non-virgin - and after third date she said 'no, I'm not'' - his logical (to him), thought would be, ''oh, ok, so I probably just need a couple more dates to be in". And he MIGHT keep trying if he thinks the pay off is just around the corner.
Reading your story - he really didn't put in that much effort. Most men, in my opinion will do this for sex. But their expectation is that it will pay off quickly. I've had men do all sorts of shit - travel thousands of miles etc. when their end game is actually sex.
You didn't do anything wrong - you did exactly what FDS says to do - you vetted and men like this are the very reason you vet. You dodged a bullet.

teachcand · 2021-12-03T04:47:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

fancy_tetrahedron · 2021-12-03T06:39:26+00:00

There are a lot of men who fetishize virgins, they see it as "marking their territory" if they're someone's first. They really think that their worthless pps have the power to fundamentally change us as people. Never disclose to any man that you're a virgin until you've fully vetted him. Whenever a man starts being nosey about my sexual history I block & delete immediately.

peaches88888 · 2021-12-03T05:43:35+00:00

The last scrote I met online turned out to be playing a fictional character the entire time. He ghosted me after seeing eachother for about 2 months... and I found FDS right after.

He was definitely love bombing you and thought he could trick you. You’re an FDS girl now and it only gets better from here <3

europoor24 · 2021-12-03T07:02:54+00:00

Oh hun be careful, many men will love to be with a virgin and will take advantage of you. You dodged a huge bullet. He did you a favor. I'd advise you to vet for a good six months to a year in your case. This should weed out the scrotes trying to use you as a trophy. Do not assume a man wants anything more then sex until he asks to be your boyfriend by month 2-3 (after being properly vetted of course).

Mayonegg420 · 2021-12-03T09:23:59+00:00

You don’t sound ridiculous. I know this sub makes each other seem super vigilant and red-flag spotting superheroes…..but personally, I’m just a young girl out here trying to build a stable partnership without having been modeled one by my parents. Vigilance is important but you aren’t a clown for wanting to be romanced and seeing the good in someone. “How could I be fooled?” Because you’re a sane person who doesn’t manipulate someone just for sex. I’m so proud of you for sticking to your values and just removing him from your life.

I’m so sorry this happened. This week I’ve turned to having empathy for all of us ladies here dating because no one seems genuine and it’s really fucking depressing. hug

AnniaT · 2021-12-03T10:52:39+00:00

Men who understood that many women won't fall for first date sex and want to pretend they're good guys usually follow this script: - 3 dates where they act normal and thoughtful - go for sex on the third date expecting the woman to trust them after the earlier dates

When I was doing OLD I had so many guys inviting me to their home on the 3rd date almost everyone of them. They'd preface it with a "why don't we have dinner at my place?" or some other BS. Most of them would get Pikachu surprise face when I said it was too soon for me and tried to gas lighting me into it being just a regular date like the others but I knew what they were after. Others would try to make me feel bad by indirectly implying that they've paid for the previous dates and it's so expensive to eat out so why not going for a home date this time. Also many men feel entitled after paying for 2 or 3 dates like "I've done and paid enough, when do I get my compensation?"

Anyways, always the going for sex on the third date script. Men aren't even original.

Davina33 · 2021-12-03T07:22:00+00:00

Hey OP it's normal to feel sad and disappointed. You did the right thing though. You sussed out what he was up to and got rid of him. You're right that men will pretend to be decent in order to get sex. He revealed his cards early and that is good for you. Never have sex until you're ready and you're sure he is a good man.

JadeBaby2211 · 2021-12-03T12:15:13+00:00

I see intuition like this: you can't predict the future with it, but you can take the information it gives you and make a beneficial decision for yourself. To get the info, you need to be shown a red flag or something similar. Your intuition worked just fine; you got your red flag and made a great decision for yourself. Also I've been re framing thinking of guys like its an addiction, but going into the neurobiology of it. Your brain was used to thinking about him, talking with him etc, and now all that stopped. There's so much momentum and your brain has all these neural pathways about this guy. So be easy on yourself if you're still thinking about him, it's not realistic to just never think of someone you liked ever again, we are social creatures.

alpinepunch2021 · 2021-12-03T13:26:34+00:00

He basically said that virginity is a huge responsibility and that he can't take it lightly, talking about some "you deserve your promise"

I think he basically admitted he wanted to use you or wasn't that serious about you but because he's knee deep in a madonna whore complex he feels immoral about doing that to a virgin (but not any other woman).

_mooness · 2021-12-03T12:43:45+00:00

“ I was surprised that he put so much time and effort and money if he truly wasn’t feeling the connection”

Don’t be surprised at this. This is how any man should treat you while trying to court you, regardless of his motives. This type of treatment is the bare minimum, even if he turns out to be a fuckboy in the end. Don’t ever be surprised at this type of treatment, expect it, you deserve it.

When men don’t invest until they “feel the connection” you start seeing the coffee/walk date nonsense. They are investing in the opportunity to determine if you are compatible. It won’t always work out, but they should always invest.

You should check out Deborrah Cooper on YouTube if you need intermittent reminders during times when you’re not on the subreddit.

subgirlygirl · 2021-12-03T03:39:16+00:00

I guess I don't see the problem. It seems like you handled things really well...? It's been a lot (read: a LOT) of decades since I've experienced virginity, so I'm not familiar with the 'promise' talk you speak of... Was he saying he wanted sex, and he wanted it without commitment? And that's why you (appropriately) parted ways?

*cue shocked face*

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-12-03T04:51:10+00:00

did you do all this shit for sex?

yes, they do. they want the sex and companionship all as one bundle.

I think you have answered you own question here:

I think men are starting to clue in that women are no longer willing to put up with LV behaviour and are starting to play the part of a HVM for sex.

Sewud · 2021-12-03T15:16:12+00:00

I think you shouldn't be so down about it. It doesn't sound like you did much wrong. You went on a few nice dates, he paid, he stopped when you said no to sex, he didn't get angry, and you ended it when it became known that you two were incompatible. Isn't that a win? You can't always grieve over every minute you lost on dating. If your goal is to date like FDS advises to date, I think you did it right. This is what FDS advises, to let guys take you on dates and pay for the dates and just have a good time and drop them if you get to know a bad side.

AloofNerd · 2021-12-03T16:01:11+00:00

Remember, no one is nicer than a man trying to have sex with you for the first time.

warinmymind94 · 2021-12-03T16:25:14+00:00

Be proud of doing the right thing when his mask started slipping, you saw he was looking for sex before you were ready, you enforced your boundaries and then blocked him. You should be proud of yourself for that, it isn't easy!

I have been fooled lots of times by men before, especially when I was younger and a Virgin! It may have been love bombing but it sounds like he was more of good at pretending to play the part to pass initial vetting. I'm 26 and a lot of guys now pretend to act HV planning nice dates, checking the boxes initially, etc. And when their mask slips then it's time to end things and block. With lvm, their masks always slip usually in under a month or three dates from my experience.

Just be careful that he doesn't make a new phone number /social media and be trying to contact you from there.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-12-03T19:23:01+00:00

Don’t beat yourself up too much! You dropped him well and should be glad you caught it. Most women see just a lick of niceness and put up with it. You still have FDS in you, you just need a bit of time to yourself and roar Queen. We got you!!

Title	I'm going to sound ridiculous...
Author	teachcand
Upvotes	358
Comments	51
Date	December 3, 2021 3:25 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r7p5n0/im_going_to_sound_ridiculous/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/im-going-to-sound-ridiculous.1088995 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088995

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