Making A List & Checking It Twice - Maintain Objectivity When Dating

I strongly suggest you make a list of everything you ideally want in a man. Don’t be “realistic”. Don’t be concerned with being "shallow" or "picky". Don’t minimize your preferences because you feel you wouldn’t attract such a person. Be honest with yourself and detailed. Don’t talk yourself out of anything. Imagine anything is possible and select the BEST that suits you personally.

This list will have several sections. One will deal with “deal makers” - the must-haves that are non negotiable. Use dealbreakers to start, but phrase them in the positive that is opposite. For instance, you don’t want a cheater - well then you DO want someone faithful, honest and loyal. That's what is on the list. Or you don’t want a man with kids, well then you want someone “child free”. Train the mind to zoom in on what is wanted and easily ignore what isn't.

Then there also will be the wants and the ideals - his physical attributes, his social status, his mental characteristics, his emotional qualities and his spiritual development. But yet another section should be centered on “how do I feel with him?”. There are qualities he possesses, but then there is how he affects you. Really give thought to this, because in my experience, a man may seem, say, kind and empathetic in his shallow dealings with others, but then not direct it towards you in an intimate relationship. He may make a good income but be stingy. Etc. So how are you experiencing him as opposed to his static qualities not in relation to you?

Why do this? Because when we meet a man who is attractive that we “like”, we may struggle to maintain objectivity. You don't want to gloss over stuff just because you're infatuated. This list should be considered often - definitely after meeting a new man and periodically as we continue to see him. Decide your threshold in advance. Have 30 items on your list? Decide he must meet 27 of these, for example. Of course you may not know if he meets it all upfront, but once it’s clear he doesn’t meet a non-negotiable, then he’s OUT. Once it’s clear he’s scoring less than, say, 90%, then he’s OUT.

Why phrase it all in the positive? Because you need to train your brain to have a bias for what you want, not what you don’t want. Illustration: open a cupboard filled with cups, mostly white, but you don’t know what you’re reaching for. Now you examine them all, with all their cracks and deficiencies in order to find one that suits you. Or you grab a random one, not knowing if it actually can hold what you want. In contrast, you can decide in advance that you want the blue ceramic 16 oz mug that’s new and shiny. Now your eyes scan quickly and zero in on it, bypassing all the chipped little tea cups. Likewise, you want to put on blinders to the LVM by zeroing in on HVM qualities. Then LVM will recede into the peripheral. Unlike a cupboard, there is no fixed selection, so all that is required is patience until desirable options appear.

If a man fails your list, don’t waste your emotional energy being mad. First of all, he’s not worth it. Second, in reviewing the list regularly, you don’t get remotely invested because you see he hasn’t earned it yet and you’ve stayed in evaluation mode. Third, if a man highlights something you want by *failing* to be it, then you take it as a lesson and move on from him; or maybe he had a desirable trait you had't thought of before, despite failing the list - then ADD these to your list. This was valuable to you in clarifying what you want, and you lost little because you didn’t over invest too soon.

Conventional advice says be less picky, be open, have few requirements. This is BAD advice. This wastes your time and energy and doesn’t benefit you. FDS is about maximizing reward and minimizing risk. If you don’t know what you want yet because you lack experience, then your experimentation phase needs to be low effort and low investment on your part. Sure, date, but don’t enter exclusive relationships and don’t foster bonding with physical intimacy. Still apply FDS. Date to know yourself, not to give men a chance who are LVM. Honor your feelings… if you get turned off, don’t rationalize it away and try to “understand” because society pushes women to always put other people's feelings first. Or because you had trauma and you’re perversely attracted to broken men with the idea you can heal yourself by healing others. Being turned off and cutting off a man in response to this repulsion is a major thing so many women are not honoring in themselves… it’s built into you to weed LVM out, so get in tune with your radar and honor it. Yes, you will need to refine it because of social brainwashing and perhaps trauma - but it’s there and it will become more refined as you value yourself more.

And don’t believe lies that being picky means you’ll wind up alone (as if that’s worse than a LVM). It means you will zero in faster on a relationship that actually meets your needs and desires. It means you will risk less and expose yourself less to hurt and trauma. You will more quickly identify men worth taking some risk on (as that's inevitable in any relationship) and will grow intimacy, connection and vulnerability at a rate appropriate to what you actually know about someone and what they've proven themselves to be.

Now the most significant part of the list is HOW YOU FEEL AROUND HIM. He may be 6 feet, 6 figures with a 6 pack and super fun and witty, but do you feel GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF around him? Do you feel beautiful, interesting, safe, supported, understood, cared for, important, etc, with this man? Think about how you would feel in your ideal relationship. Make a detailed list of that. This is important so a man doesn’t blind you with his superficial value.

No, you cannot know all this from a dating profile, text messaging, the first date or even the first few months of dating. But this keeps you in EVALUATION MODE. You will review your list, and some points will get check marks, some will get X marks and others will remain a question mark…. but until you are clear that he meets the minimum score, then you will be emotionally protected from investing too much. You will find you can have fun with and enjoy a man yet not be yearning for commitment from him - because you are just not sure about him yet. Also, you’re dating other men, so he’s not the only one in the running. If not him, then maybe Man #2 or Man #3, but you have options and you’re certain to meet a man who qualifies sooner than later.

A man will FEEL this - and a HVM will respect it and recognize it’s because you are high value and not easily sold on anyone… a LVM will feel angry and probably pitch a fit or sabotage things. The man will likely get there faster than you when it comes to committing and deciding you’re “the one”. As noted in these parts, men know quickly if a woman is "wife material", and so courtship is mostly about him proving to you that he’s worth the sacrifice of your fancy free singleness….because remember, exclusivity and marriage benefit men more. He has to prove to you he can bring enough to the table that you benefit from the relationship and are not burdened by it. Until he proves this, you keep checking that list, refining and adding to it, and evaluating how well he meets it.

People have asked me what’s on my list…. well my list is mine. We have different tastes and needs… but while my list is specific and detailed, I’ll give you general ideas… remember to define yours specifically though.

Stuff to include on your list (yes these categories overlap):

• Physical: height, body, facial features, coloring, ethnic group(s), hair, grooming and hygiene, style, (be shallow ASF), etc.
• Social: socio-economic class, career, education, lifestyle, politics, friends, culture, goals, adulting abilities, possessions like cars or houses (be shallow ASF), etc.
• Mental: humor, intelligence, skills, hobbies, interests, tastes, personality traits like extroversion or introversion, etc.
• Emotional: kindness, thoughtfulness, selflessness, maturity, empathy, self honesty, temperament, generosity, style of communicating, etc
• Spiritual: ability to introspect, depth, integrity, honesty, principles, religion/ideologies, morals and values, etc.

HOW YOU FEEL WITH HIM (examples):

I feel..

• beautiful
• sexy
• desirable
• interesting
• wanted
• prioritized
• important
• emotionally and physically safe
• secure
• understood
• supported
• empathized with
• joyful
• attracted
• excited
• stimulated
• cared for
• special
• connected
• protected
• emotionally touched
• impressed
• loved
• valued
• significant
• ETC

Hope this helps you in creating your list. Remember to review it often and maintain objectivity when dating, staying in evaluation mode until a man has proven he is worthy of your heart.