Men subtly joking you do little work

MakeURegret · 2020-06-24T00:13:19+00:00

Real truth: if you were a workaholic, or unemployed or whatever the fuck you were doing he would still make “jokes” at your expense. Men do this to groom you for an awful relationship dynamic where they are the king and in control.

That’s the issue here. He’s making negative comments, calling them a joke but is essentially calling you lazy, unmotivated and not living up to your full financial potential. Basically he’s saying he’s better than you.

You don’t need to defend yourself because he decided months ago that your job wasn’t an issue and began to date you. Elevating himself by pointing out your supposed deficits is grounds for dismissal. It’s multiple red flags. That’s why you don’t want to see him.

Basically this falls squarely into shit you should not have to explain to a grown up man. You don’t owe it to him to CoMMuNiCaTE that oneupmanship is bad. He already knows.

The whole subtle way men joke with you is so they can passive aggressive get away with it. He knows he can’t outright grind you down and declare himself better. But he can make insidious little neg jokes that drip drip drip poison your self esteem.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-06-23T23:10:34+00:00

Public service positions always make less than private. But the work you do is important, because it benefits all people, not just the very rich or people who donate( ugh sorry for the rant but I worked in private hospitals for many years, we coddled very bad doctors and people because they made money and donors were VIP)

Now I work in public service and while the pay is low, I def feel like I am making a greater impact.

But you already knew all this. The question is, what kind of person do you want to be around? There’s nothing wrong with your boyfriend working private...but there is something wrong with “negging” (who negs a physician?!? I’m confused) and comparing you to other people.

I’d mention this right away. You don’t have to be nasty but you need to be firm that his negative comments will not be tolerated and you don’t need to be compared to another woman. His response will let you know if you should proceed - he will either stop immediately or he will try to argue/laugh it off/ dismiss you.

Saitschik · 2020-06-23T23:32:05+00:00

When men are "joking" they reveal what they are really thinking. So listen carefully

2020-06-24T00:36:19+00:00

[deleted]

thighsmatch · 2020-06-23T23:48:50+00:00

If your intuition is uncomfortable I would give him some distance and less attention. Maybe tell him once and if he doesn’t stop, dump him. If he’s joking about it this early it is only going to grow as an issue. Two issues:

First, jobs like yours might require less time at work but performing emotional labor or caretaking is often mentally and spiritually much more exhausting than clicking around an Excel all day, which he doesn’t seem to be taking into account.

Second, I would be worried he is grooming you to do more domestic or emotional labor in the relationship further on down the road since you have such an “easy” job.

Edit: typo

Ms_Tilly · 2020-06-24T00:30:17+00:00

I edited to add more. I missed some of what you were saying so I went too easy on your negging bf.

People here have recommended that when you get a neg or an unfunny joke from a man, it's good to straight face ask them "what do you mean by that?" It puts them on the spot. I only say that because I'm worried why the hell he felt the need to add that. Was he comparing you as lazy or less than? I don't know.

Just reading that didn't set off red flags from me, HOWEVER, I wasn't there and you were. AND I had a supervisor/friend who knew how much I juggled at work and how much more of a workload I had than anyone else, and how goddam good I was at it and she did the same thing to me about another coworker in a whole different city. And boy did that shit rub me the wrong way and piss me tf off. I feel like it was jealousy deep down. That she was attempting to knock me down a peg to make herself feel better. My abusive bf had a habit of that as well.

It's good that you're paying attention to this stuff. Sometimes the abusive ones sneak up on you. **Also, I totally missed the part where he's done it several times before, dismissed you being upset and says they are "just jokes" that EVERYBODY does, therefore continuing to do it even though HE KNOWS you don't like it. This is disrespectful behavior and what happened today was just about your last straw. I don't think you'd be wrong in ending it. He clearly doesn't mind that it bothers you and plans to keep doing it. I wonder if it bothers his mom.

-positivity- · 2020-06-24T00:40:48+00:00

Some good advice here. Also wanted to add that you could try the ‘confused’ tack. Every time he, or any person for that matter, gives an inappropriate comment like that, ask them: what do you mean by that? And keep on asking for details—how many hours do I need to do to be “enough”? Why this number of hours? Who set this standard and why? Exhaust the questioning until they give up and realise how stupid they sound!

paperbagskirt · 2020-06-24T00:09:55+00:00

This is called negging. You say he is respectful, but this is definitely not respectful behavior. Dump him!

CassieGreen85 · 2020-06-24T01:55:56+00:00

Sis, call him out on his bullshit and drop his cowardly, negging, gaslighting ass. He's basically gaslighting you and using the "it's just a prank, bro!" to not be held accountable for his words and to paint you as the asshole because you (understandably) don't find his stupid "jokes" funny.

He's not "good to you," he's just doing some nice things to mask what an absolute shitbag he is.

balladwilds · 2020-06-23T23:42:03+00:00

you have to see the bigger picture. Would you want to stay with someone who sees you as "less" because of your job? its clear that he thinks you're not active when you ARE.

I suggest the next time you hear one joke like this you tell him that you don't like them and they annoy you. Go straight to the point, no babbling, nothing. If he invalidates your feelings "it's nothing come on!", doesn't apologizes or does it again after that then he's out. He isn't really all that respectful. And you wanna be with someone who loves everything about you including supporting your career and job.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-06-24T02:45:46+00:00

Public service work is mentally exhausting. Being a bus driver can be mentally exhausting. Being a social worker can be mentally exhausting. Being a therapist in a hospital as opposed to a private practice is most certainly mentally exhausting. It is a red flag for me if a partner doesn’t understand the amount of mental gymnastics involved in compartmentalizing your work days - and the fact that you are doing a public service and receiving less pay - should be viewed as a selfless act, not a stupid one (as it seems he sees it is a “joke” because he keeps joking about it.) There is nothing wrong with going to work for a private practice in your field, but if you love your job, you make comfortable money, and are genuinely happy, mentally & physically- why is he negging your career?

Nothing is ever good enough for a LVM - either he’s upset you don’t make enough money or he’s mad you make more than he does. This guy hasn’t talked about anything other than how much you make in one vs the private work. What about what You want? I think you’d be happier without him.

jayda92 · 2020-06-24T05:32:09+00:00

My ex always put me down for my work and the pay I receive. He tried getting me another job as a real estate agent through his friends. He couldn't understand why someone wanted to teach underprivileged kids.

The audacity.

It's not even the fucking reason I broke up with him. I was a 🤡

ChristianGirl93 · 2020-06-24T00:26:44+00:00

Same issue when I worked hard in college and didn’t spend all this extra time with Bf and he called me a try-hard, like wth even is that? And it’s not like I didn’t earn good scholarships for my merit. This guy would piss me off- what he says is a slight jab at your work ethic in order to inflate his ego- when he compares you with another woman, it is to manipulate you and get you to de-value your self. Screw him. Tell him oops I worked so hard this week, I forgot all about you, but this one guy keeps telling me how much of a badass I am at this and offered to take me for drinks. Byeeee

lival42 · 2020-06-24T02:48:18+00:00

If you don’t want to, don’t go on this date. Simple as that.

throwawayitst · 2020-06-24T05:10:38+00:00

What hes doing is really terrible- he’s disrespecting you and weakening your boundaries. He has show u that he has not rhat much regard for his own mother- i suggest not giving him anything that you would regret later as this may go downwards. Be strong and brave

RadarFemef · 2020-06-24T04:45:53+00:00

If you said you don’t like those jokes, and asked him to stop, and he keeps making them anyway, that’s very disrespectful even if he says he’s just joking.

It’s ok to ask him or tell him to stop those jokes

2020-06-24T04:55:33+00:00

He should go date miss moneybags if he’s that concerned about dating a woman who makes tons of money. I think he was negging you.

Enough-Introduction · 2020-06-24T08:27:17+00:00

You don‘t have to accept mistreatment only because he calls it a „joke“. It‘s only a joke when both find it hilarious. If one person is hurt by it, it‘s because it was not a joke, it was an attack. Ignore the gaslighting in form of „you’re only hurt because my divine humor is above your cognitive abilities“, fuck that, you don‘t have to earn the right to express being hurt. Also, if this is what he calls a joke, his humor is not funny but distasteful, which should disqualify him as a potential life partner.

Also: it‘s not about finding someone whose good treatment outweighs the bad treatment. A healthy relationship will not include any significantly bad treatment at all, despite what media has us believe about being forgiving, „everyone makes mistakes“ and other bullshit.

2020-06-24T10:27:28+00:00

Look, it sounds like you have a great work life balance. You like your job, it’s fulfilling and you are financially stable.

This is the DREAM for so many people!

Your bf is just being a jerk. He’s the kind of guy who will say your skin care routine is too complicated but later complain about wrinkles. The point is to criticize you!

And as for your parents, wow. I’m American and we have a wretched culture of work your ass off until you drop dead in many industries, never taking vacation, unpaid overtime, skip lunch breaks...you get the idea. I hope and pray that my daughters have the balance you have! Your parents should be glad you have a great life.

As for how to combat it, this would make me so angry I’d dump him because it’s such a condescending attitude. And for your parents? I’d spend less time around them, and just leave as soon as they start in on you. “I don’t need to be talked to that way, see you later” and mean it - no argument, just go. They know they are hurting your feelings, and they will have to decide if teasing you is more important to them than seeing you.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-06-24T10:28:52+00:00

You are right to be bothered by this and you don't deserve these snide comments. Talking to him is an option but it won't change his snobby opinion. He's showing who he really is - someone who looks down on people who actually do actual hard work - and that's disgusting imo.

kwallio · 2020-06-24T03:59:57+00:00

I would listen to the "I don't want to see him feeling". If hanging out with him is trying your patience, why would you?

_Atalanta_ · 2020-06-24T11:18:13+00:00

Hmm, I often wonder about these very early signs of negging. My previous relationships were before I knew what negging was, so I never had a chance to notice.

It feels like men are testing the water, to see how much we will put up with, if we firmly call out these initial small negs, I wonder if the man will give up and respect our boundaries?

I have only really recognised negging much further down the line (in other people’s relationships), when it is probably too late to regain respect, but this very early stage is interesting. Is the man always pre disposed to be abusive, or does he become abusive based on what he can get away with?

In your situation, call this out for sure, or stop seeing him. I wouldn’t do nothing, it will only escalate.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-06-24T06:05:36+00:00

Yeah. I don't like it. He's disrespectful. I had an ex who didn't show his true colors for YEARS. Be careful. Your job is more important than his and takes a greater toll. He should show more respect.

tigressanetti · 2020-06-24T06:47:15+00:00

He “jokingly” puts down his own mom too for it? Sounds like he’s got some disrespecting women issues. Eew.

ChocoBananza · 2020-06-24T11:01:05+00:00

As someone with an awkward sense of humour, I’d say don’t drop him just yet. I’ve honestly recognised myself in making those jokes, however, I don’t insist on them, nor do I repeat it to death.

Even HV people have their flaws. You should definitely confront him, pay attention to his reaction, and see if his gaffes happen again.

Title	Men subtly joking you do little work
Author	Sisi21cent
Upvotes	61
Comments	39
Date	June 23, 2020 10:51 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hep0ar/men_subtly_joking_you_do_little_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-subtly-joking-you-do-little-work.700780 https://theredarchive.com/post/700780

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