Offline FDS Strategies

millennialpink2000 · 2021-10-08T15:49:25+00:00

Amen. I'm quickly dismissed as a 'man-hater' by women because they are so eager to believe the best in men

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-10-08T16:31:32+00:00

Small things for me:

I don't join men in criticizing a woman. I worked primarily in a male-dominated field, and was often the only woman in the room. You realize very quickly that many men match women for cattiness - but it's usually aimed at other women when you're around, as they expect you to join them easily. I simply steer the conversation to something I liked about the woman (even if, personally, I'm not her biggest fan).

Me: "It was long, but she did a great job controlling the runaway discussion on tax increases. I'm excited to see how she positions that with the leadership team. Hopefully it leads to more funding."

I don't comment on other women's appearances. Not positively (guys will pretend you're bi even if you're not) and not negatively (see point 1). I just don't. If guys do, I'll look confused, and then slowly scan the guy's appearance. Maybe a little cringe. Then change the topic - you can never discuss weather or traffic too much.
Get comfortable holding an uncomfortable silence as a response. Any inappropriate comments from men or women - just don't respond. Silence is always the best response to anything - people can't quote silence (or a neutral facial expression).
If you're in a situation where silence won't work (one of the other men or women there will rescue them), just ask vague questions - the whole "I don't quite get it, can you explain?" "And that's funny because ...?" "How does that work?" "Why would you think that?" Let them explain why they're horrible people themselves. It's not your job.
I don't offer to help men unless there's f1re, bl00d, or bod1e$. Predators lead with a sad-sack "can you help me" offer every time - it's how they test their potential target's ability to subjugate her needs to his requests. Don Hennessy does a great walk through of this screening in his book, "How He Gets Into Her Head." Excellent read.
Don't let any offers of help obligate you to return the favor. This is also how many predators lure people in - they offer you a favor that you never asked for (and may not want), knowing it will create a sense of obligation. You an always turn down an unasked for favor. or you can take it, knowing it doesn't obligate you to do anything (beyond a polite "thank you") in return.
Money *is* power. Join women's investment groups, connect the younger women in your lives with financial education and investment groups, hire women, network with women (and men - no reason to isolate from the main)

These concepts are basic and indirect, but they're so foreign to female socialization that they come across as fairly radical when those around you see them in action

ThrowRA_lantern · 2021-10-08T16:13:16+00:00

The thing that’s helped me the most is the more empathetic/safety/care approach (?). Not sure how to describe it… But essentially, when I’m giving dating advice or expressing my radfem views, I’ll tell my friends something like “I care about you so much, nothing will hurt me more than to see you get hurt… that’s why I feel that (insert FDS/radfem view)”. I’ll amplify the life-or-death dangers of dating and the patriarchy. Gotta exaggerate the consequences and worst potential outcomes. I’ll straight up tell them I don’t want to find out tomorrow that I have to attend THEIR funeral because they decided to have cheeky sex with a total stranger, chase a career in porn/sex work, or marry a dangerous and mysterious “bad boy”. Sometimes they’ll listen, sometimes they won’t. Can’t change people. Sometimes they need to experience rock bottom first (I know I had to before I found FDS). But the most persuasive approach has always been what I’ve just explained.

The other option is just leading by example. So if friends/family compliment any of your achievements and successes, use it as an opportunity to explain FDS. Did they notice how you’re happier or more confident? Tell them why and express FDS views! Again, you can’t force people to change but you can definitely spread the word. Directing or nudging people towards FDS.

huevos_and_whiskey · 2021-10-08T16:13:20+00:00

I only bring it up with people who have already said things that indicate they might be open to hearing about these ideas. Look for the people who are on the cusp, and start small. It’s no use trying to debate people who are entrenched in opposing beliefs, and in some cases it could even be dangerous to out yourself to them.

XNjunEar · 2021-10-08T16:28:40+00:00

I am merely newbie level here so I can't go on advising friends and family as if I were a pro. I've gently forwarded things to some women here and there, but of course it is up to them to go read/watch them. However, if they come to me complaning about a guy, then the fact that they involve me will give me the 'right' to point out whatever is wrong.

I have to accept that adults will do what they choose, no matter what I say, and that some people only learn when they live an experience, and not from the experiences of others.

djfrankenjuice · 2021-10-08T16:49:16+00:00

It’s hard to tell people things they’re not ready to hear. I just try to be happy for them when they’re happy and if they’re not happy I still tread carefully about what I say - no one wants to hear negative things about a s.o. - I try to focus on validating whatever they’re feeling and perhaps add some FDS color to those feelings (try to stop the self gaslighting that happens)

scooter_se · 2021-10-08T17:34:25+00:00

Honestly what helps me out the most is the fact that I’m pretty funny. I’ve spent my whole life roasting men and it’s been great practice; I’ve gotten super good at it. When I make a biting, astute observation about the audacity of men and the need for women to have higher standards that’s ALSO hilarious, then women are more receptive to the gospel and men have a harder time dominating me in conversation.

M1nette · 2021-10-08T16:39:53+00:00

It is everywhere and it has been normalized. I just roll my eyes and thank god I am not them or in their situation. The only thing one can do is lead by example and control the things you can control. I don't bother too much with saving others, if they are ready, they will change themselves.

bonghits4jess · 2021-10-08T16:26:59+00:00

I just don’t bring it up anymore unless I’m asked specifically and I feel that they wouldn’t brush me off as a man hater. My mom is super male identified and an enabler, so I don’t bother discussing those topics anymore. I only bring up FDS with my bestie, but I’m not invested in getting her to change her mind. She agrees with a lot of things in principle and uses FDS when engaging with men online, but still has a LV boyfriend and watches porn. She doesn’t try to sabotage me when I tell her about how I’ve applied FDS in my life so I’ve accepted that she won’t fully come around to it.

With media and consumer culture, i actively talk to myself about what I’m viewing and fight the brainwashing. I was watching the last season of On My Block and I had to constantly point out in my head how certain things shouldn’t be normalized—such as the sexual tension between abuelita and Jamal, Jasmine’s libfem tendencies, Cesar and Monse’s toxic relationship.

As far as the LV men in my life I pretty much gave up on them. I don’t associate with my dad, my sexist uncles/cousins, and I keep very limited context with my older brothers. The only one who I try to indoctrinate is my youngest bro, who has good intentions and not abusive towards women but definitely has a video game addiction and lacks ambition. He once tried that “sexism against men is a problem too” with me and he was dumbfounded when I asked him to name me a country anywhere on Earth where women are exclusively allowed to vote and men are not. I challenge some of the red pill/incel beliefs that he picks up through gaming culture, but otherwise I leave him be. He knows that he is one of the few good male role models for the male children in our family and I think he’s trying not to fuck that up, but a lifetime of being coddled for being the youngest son really set him back from achieving his full potential.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-10-08T17:38:13+00:00

I think it's knowing when to speak (sounds so bad) but you have to wait for someone to be open to hearing your advise (often after they feel like they've been heard) and then giving advise when it's asked for. Then they'll be able to digest it and not get defensive.

**I only apply that to women! Men I just sarcastically dismiss and don't engage with

Platipus6 · 2021-10-08T21:53:48+00:00

Most men's personalities nowadays is Everyday Chauvinism

Even people I'm paying to serve me, who should be polite and professional, speak down to me and as if I'm stupid and unsure. Congratulations. Now I'm a rude bitch who snaps the first time they disrespect me. They seem to be in zombie chauvinism mode. It's so habituated they just keep doing it.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2021-10-10T12:39:39+00:00

I gently try to work with family and friends for them to understand my point of view. I know many pickme women and men who are kind people who hold misogynist viewpoints. I just don’t back down.

My boyfriend knows I’m a radical feminist and agrees with the majority of my views. He and I sometimes debate the nitty gritty when it comes to specific issues in our town and how identity politics affects it, but we agree broadly.

I encourage friends in their relationship journey to resist misogyny. I have a friend who is a man getting divorced. He mentioned recently that he didn’t care about their assets so much as getting “his name back.” I strongly rebuked him about how sexist that was.

I have another friend who is dating and struggles with standards and I encourage her to keep them high. I usually give her advice that is contrary to others in her life about men from OLD, etc - when people will tell her to “give that guy another chance” I’m immediately skeptical. Btw on all counts all those guys have been awful and didn’t actually want to date her.

It’s an uphill battle but I balance being mouthy with trying to stay in people’s lives and slowly move the needle.

annamae602 · 2021-10-13T19:44:18+00:00

I had a conversation with a friend recently, relevant to the point you bring up. She had posted a photo of herself in a bikini on Instagram, and said she figured out a way to find out how many people saved the photo, and was pleased to see the photo was saved more than once. She used the term “spank bank”, implying men on her Instagram thought she looked hot and saved the photo to jerk off to later. I impulsively expressed disgust at that term and she took it personally and questioned me. THEN I had to explain that’s why I never post revealing photos of myself, or photos of myself at all— because pornsick men will take advantage of them, etc. I didn't shame her in any way for posting that photo, but expressed my own boundaries around it and why.

She immediately hit me with the “why do you care what men think? It’s empowering!”, while not realizing her whole concept of “empowerment” comes from male validation and being seen as a sex object. Then came the “not all men are like that, don’t demonize men” argument. This type of circular argument can go on forever, because it was crucial she justified her behavior in this instance. Because recognizing the extent of the misogyny we have been conditioned to partake in can dredge up deep feelings of shame. And who wants to confront that while in a social situation?

All of this is to say: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. In another context, she might have understood my position. But that isn't what happened because she went into defense mode. So I don’t talk about my views in person unless specifically prompted or if someone seems genuinely curious, because some women might interpret your high standards as a personal attack if they don’t have any.

NothingFrosty2517 · 2021-10-08T17:31:28+00:00

I just try to word things in a positive and empathetic way. Criticizing women’s relationships or dating choices feels like an attack on their identity to them when they’re in a bad place, it’s only possible to gently nudge by trying to build up a sense of self-worth, encourage standards and boundaries.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-10-14T20:55:15+00:00

You can't wake people up if they don't want to see things. I only discuss my views with people who clearly state they feel like their current habits and results are not in alignment with their desires, and only then if they actually approached me specifically for my opinion.

Otherwise idk, my time is valuable and I can't be wasting it on something that never helps me or anyone else.

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edoth · 2021-10-14T00:18:33+00:00

I do exactly the same and they seriously just ignore me all my friends seem to believe that because I’ve been a prostitute I don’t have the means to set the boundaries that I set also looking back I never did in the past so they don’t take me seriously

Title	Offline FDS Strategies
Author	Abdullazan
Upvotes	124
Comments	29
Date	October 8, 2021 3:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/q40e7e/offline_fds_strategies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/offline-fds-strategies.1076716 https://theredarchive.com/post/1076716

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