LVM hate feeling shame. For a narcissist, the prickle of shame will send them into a narc-rage. They'll do anything to avoid it, and if you're in their face, they'll try to dump it back on you.

The milder tactics are JADE – Justify why their behaviour wasn't shameful, Argue that what they did wasn't wrong, Defend themselves like a toddler who stole a cookie, or Explain that well actually, they didn't intend blah blah.

A sneaky tactic is to “invent a second problem” as a reason for why they can't fix the first problem, thus leaving the original problem and burden with you and they can keep doing what they're doing.

An example with an ex is that he'd sit on his ass and every time I got up for myself, I'd offer him a drink. Doing the emotional labor all the time. For everything. All the thinking, guessing, planning, asking and offering. I was exhausted and asked him to let me know when he wanted something. He invented a second problem by saying “Well I'm not going to order you around like an asshole!” and turned back to his laptop. Problem solved! He left the burden with me, and kept doing what he wanted. An LVM doesn't give a shit when you're burdened, as long as he's not.

Another guy had stank-crotch and his wife wasn't going down on him. Multiple people said “just wash your balls???” and he said “I can't do that, it will throw the bacteria out of balance and I'll get an infection!” and.. we just left him to it, that was the stupidest thing we'd ever heard.

An abusive tactic to dump shame is to make you feel like shit after you do anything that makes them ashamed. I vacuumed an exes house 🤡 , it made him feel ashamed for being so filthy and incompetent, so he pointed to a tiny corner and proudly informed me that I'd missed a spot, so that I'd feel ashamed. I glared at him and he flinched, the shame was not dumped on me. He tried again over dinner with friends, now making my reaction the point of the story, as if I should feel ashamed for glaring. My girl friend is a Queen and snort-laughed and asked “You said WHAT?” He started punching walls a week later.

Another tactic is to blame-shift. If he forgot to feed the dog, it's because you didn't remind him. Shame successfully dumped! If you remind him, now you're a nag! Dumped again! If he doesn't do what you asked, it's because you didn't make sure he was listening! On and on and on. “Well I only look at porn because you don't make me feel loved 24/7!” It's not that he's bad in bed, it's that you're not like his multi-orgasmic ex! It's not that he's stupid, stubborn and lazy, it's that you didn't explain it right!

This is how "women's reactions become the problem". All attention is removed from the original abusive/LVM behaviour and firmly fixed on the over-reacting, shrill, no fun woman. You should be ashamed for reacting to his fuckery, or expecting him to adult.

A HVM won't do the shitty behaviour in the first place. Normal men don't like feeling shame, they enjoy feeling proud, so they act like an adult they can feel proud of. If he does do something shitty, he'll own up, acknowledge how he harmed you (or hold himself accountable for harming others), apologize sincerely, and promise not to do it again. And then never do it again. He'll figure out by himself how to solve the problem so you're not burdened. He'll set alarms, he'll thank you for reminding him to do something, he'll turn the tv down by himself so he can hear you, he'll take you seriously the first time.

Don't do shit for LVM, if it's a normal adult behaviour and they're lazy and incompetent, it will just make them feel ashamed and full of rage for "showing them up and pointing out that they suck". They will not feel grateful.

I'm sure you have thousands of examples of shame-dumping, blame-shifting and inventing a second problem. Or perhaps you've done it yourself. “I can't lose weight, then I'll have loose skin and stretch marks...”