The housework user type

Pasdepromesses · 2021-01-28T18:03:29+00:00

This is an excellent post and it happens with almost all progressive and feminist men.

I live in the North of Europe where men tend to be more progressive and we have the social security system to match it (paid paternity leave, etc). But research found out (and all us ladies already knew this from living it, lol) that there still is a gap when it comes to the physical housework (chores), mental load and emotional load between men and women in our country. This is why a lot of women still only work parttime, contributing to the wage gap, stagnant careers and less women higher up in companies. They call it the 'bogus/fake involvement of men in the family'.

But here's the kicker: the research also found out that these 'progressive' men secretly detest their new role and feel like it's unfair to them.

The parents of this generation (they're talking about millenials and under) had the trad marriage where the man would work and the woman was a SAHM. These men grew up with a mother who pampered them and their fathers. They saw a dad coming home after work, and read the paper on the couch, not doing anything in the house not even with the children or listening to his family members sometimes. They envy that. Deep (sometimes not so deep) down they feel like they deserve that too. That they 'missed out' because of HCOL and society nowadays.

Most men do somewhat around 40 percent of the household chores and raising of the children, but they feel like they're doing the majority. They feel cheated. And they don't even recognize that, most of the times, 100% of the mental en emotional load is burdened by their wives.

Only a few examples:

- With Covid everyone has to work from home. When I have a meeting (all female team) my manager and colleagues - who both have higher and better paid jobs than their husbands - call in from the kitchen table, where they simultaneously try to homeschool their children and watch the dog. Their husband locked himself into the home office and can work without any interruptions, because children will ask the person who is nearby;

- Some offices are still open. Only men work at the office, leaving their wife with their kids and pets work from home. Not even discussed before they do this;

- All women I know still buy presents for their MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL;

- All women I know are the personal assistant, life coach and therapist of their husband, who refuses therapy;

There were a couple of articles in magazines about this research (some even written by men who confirmed this) a few years back and it definitely confirmed a gut feeling that I couldn't really put into words.

These progressive, feminist, 50/50 men actually feel cheated in a system that still benefits them.

Even when your SO does 'a lot', it's still probably not 50% and you should watch out for this entitlement.

Edit: what also concerns me is the fact that, while we look progressive when it comes to chores and 50/50 culture, there is still a lot of covert misogyny. Non consensual sex isn't considered rape in my country. It's only rape if it was physically violent and you can prove it beyond a doubt. There isn't even a word for 'abusive relationship', it just doesn't exist. Even though this seems like a small thing, words matter.

It worries me that a lot of these woke men still claim that 'women in this country don't need feminism anymore', still think that the emotional/mental load is BS and are not concerned by the law seriously letting women down when it comes to sexual and physical sovereignty.

Edit: thank you for the awards!!!

seekindivid · 2021-01-28T17:45:56+00:00

Lol reminds me of the inverse—a man who showed off all of his domestic prowess because he wanted to be a “kept” man. Except I could do it all 10x better myself, while working full-time, doing all of the shopping, and managing our social calendar. And being the go-between for both of our families. Most men have a very vague idea of the labor women do, will even accuse us of being lazy when we’re in constant physical or mental motion.

Lykah · 2021-01-28T20:07:34+00:00

This is why I spit when tradcons cretins spout about how much they appreciate women being homemakers and the hard work they put in. No, you don't. You don't even consider it hard work, which is one of the reasons women were considered not worthy of an education for millenia - we were just stupid, fuckable vacuum cleaeners, washing machines etc.

Women's work is often invisible because when it's done every single day, men alsmot get the impression that it's done by itself: the house is clean, duh, the two courses dinner is ready, how hard was it to cook iy right, can't be as hard as my manly job, children are clean, well behaved, fed, done with their home work, haircuts on point, nails trimmed, so convenient, right?

This is the labor of women: endless, daily, 24/7 and with a thousand activities crammed into one day. I'll be damned if I ever sign up for that.

nyclaurco · 2021-01-28T19:59:33+00:00

that’s why i think that going 50/50 ($) when living with a man (yes, even when you’re married or engaged) is just silly. you will be doing the deep cleaning and the strategizing. the deep cleaning is the invisible chores. he just magically thinks that the closet isn’t coated in dust bunnies, that the comforter doesn’t stink, and that the shower isn’t coated with grime. then there is the strategizing, which is like being the manager of the house. this is when you plan meals, plan which errands to run, plan what to do with the kids and pets and when, doing the financial planning, plan who cleans what and when. that mental load is the most difficult domestic job of all. it is also unseen. he may do the tangible chores like picking up garbage, sweeping, taking out the trash, washing dishes, etc. that’s just scratching the surface. unless he is a one in a million guy who actually splits the mental load/planning and deep cleaning, then your 50/50 is more like 25(him)/75(you).

Sage_Planter · 2021-01-28T21:49:33+00:00

Remember that cleaning goes well beyond "cleaning up after himself," too!

My NVM was good about doing "his chores." On the weekends, he would dedicate time to doing his laundry, tidying his desk, sorting his mail, cleaning out his car, etc.

The problem?

He did no participation in any of the "our chores" part of managing the household. Anything that was a shared responsibility from washing the sheets to scrubbing the toilets fell on me. Worst of all: he'd sometimes try to joke about me being "the messy one" when I would prioritize my time and energy on "our chores" like grocery shopping and vacuuming the floors. It was infuriating. Of course I wasn't getting my laundry done. I was spending all day getting everything else done.

BasieSkanks · 2021-01-28T20:12:46+00:00

I stay away from men who are self-proclaimed feminists. They only say they are so they can justify using women for porn and sex and splitting the bill.

Only_Lime2520 · 2021-01-28T21:27:57+00:00

Did you date my ex??? To me that just says that he's super unaware of how he conducts himself. He's super afraid of actually looking at the reality of patriarchy because it would mean looking at his behaviors in a bad light that he says those things to you (and to himself) to appease his fragile ego. It took me awhile to put together how he acts and how he talks.

Besides the housework issue, here are few others:
1/ MAKEUP

Ex: You don't need makeup to look beautiful.

*Me skipped blush & lipstick for a day*

Ex: Why you always look so angry and bitchy?

2/ COOKING

Ex: You don't have to cook for me.

*Me focused on just work for a day on my laptop*

Ex: *started a rage about random mishaps around the house*

Me: Why are you angry now?
Ex: I'm hungry and my food is not delivered yet.

He even started eating my lunch I prepared for myself which made me so mad because I only did enough for one person.

3/ MY SUCCESS

Ex: I'm not jealous of your achievements, I think it's good that you have them. I'm happy for you

Also Ex *started to talk me down in front of my employees, caused random fights, talked over me in work meetings.... you know the whole power play game*

4/ HIS PERSONAL BELONGINGS

Ex: I don't need you to take care of me

Also Ex: WHERE IS MY PHONE CHARGER?? --this he yelled at me in front of the entire 25 person company we founded "together".

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-01-28T19:20:44+00:00

I agree, look out for self initiated actions and not empty words.

dancedance_83 · 2021-01-29T05:04:08+00:00

Learned my lesson when my “He for She” ex boyfriend called the waitress a “bitch” to her face. That’s so flattering /s

Starsuponstars · 2021-01-29T18:12:03+00:00

Be very careful of the men who say the "right things" but don't ever engage in any actions to back them up.

AKA most men.

Title	The housework user type
Author	Phoenix__Rising2018
Upvotes	417
Comments	49
Date	January 28, 2021 5:35 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/l73c21/the_housework_user_type/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-housework-user-type.734533 https://theredarchive.com/post/734533

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