This is why I'm taking time to reevaluate my standards. In the past I've felt like I clung to the first guy that showed interest in me and it always went down hill the moment I asked anything of them.

AyemHerself · 2020-04-04T00:00:32+00:00

Guilty.

I knew I wanted to be with someone who treated me better than my dad treated my mom. Unfortunately the bar for my dad was on the floor once and my mother let him bury it. When you grow up watching that, it can be hard to learn what acceptable behavior is.

rosapalmera · 2020-04-04T00:31:51+00:00

Another twist on this. Theres a popular comedy youtuber in my country whose whole schtick is making videos about “relationship problems” like hiding from your gf to hang out with the boys, your gf always nagging you, etc. And another male youtuber epically owned him by making a diss video called “I actually like my girlfriend and enjoy spending time with her”.

It was great.

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-04-03T22:31:08+00:00

Male interest/desire is just as cheap and abundant as dick.

DundiesAllStar · 2020-04-04T01:04:09+00:00

My (male) partner works in a male dominated industry and has worked in around 5 companies within that industry. Wherever he’s worked most of the men are married or in long-term relationship. They all go out drinking on Fridays, sometimes during the week, they talk about plans to go out with friends, play sports etc and a couple of places there has been a few guys who go out for ‘one drink’ straight after work every night. My partner is always invited and, unless it’s a special occasion like a birthday, says no thanks I’m going straight home. He’s often asked by different guys ‘why?, why do you always go straight home?’ My partner says because he spends most of his time at work, then a big chunk asleep, so he only gets to see me a few hours a day and jokes he doesn’t want to waste them on guys he’s been with all day and if he’s going to miss out on time with me it’ll be for his friends. He gets different reactions - confusion, the man asking him says he goes out to avoid going home, one guy said ‘oh wow, you really like your wife huh?’. He’s also worked with numerous men who ‘work late’ to avoid going home.

These men enjoy the social status of being married, a family man, having kids they can talk about, having a wife to cook and clean and have sex with but they don’t LIKE their wife. They don’t want to spend time with her doing things, chatting, laughing etc. I feel sorry for their wives, they obviously have their reasons for staying in the marriage which I don’t know, so I’d never judge but to be stuck with someone who doesn’t like you enough to spend time with you and actively avoids it must be awful. They need to read this and see that you both need to LIKE each other rather than thinking because the husband is still (barely) in the marriage they have to stick it out.

cherrybombfield · 2020-04-04T03:37:25+00:00

Can not tell you how many times people tried to basically bully me into dating someone bc "he's nice and he really likes you" so annoying. It's like if a man shows interest in a woman she is somehow a horrible person if she has no interest in him, even if he is unattractive, broke, or just socially inept. It is such a double standard.

perkypancakes · 2020-04-04T02:16:14+00:00

Ladies, we have to help each other raise the bar for men. I’m so glad I found this thread full of strong, capable women.

smokeandfireflies · 2020-04-03T23:08:32+00:00

“As if a man’s interest is something valuable.”

Preach.

FatPam007 · 2020-04-04T01:49:02+00:00

"the bar of how he treats her is only as high how the men around her treated her in her life"

Wow this is such a truth. I get so surprised when a guy is nice or even mannered to me. Or just simply asks how are you? It's so weird to me. I'm not used to actually men being respectful to me... This could have lowered my standards because there were a lot of men that tried to put me down in every way so that I didn't have high standards. And yes, maybe when I felt humiliated and below the league of everyone I liked, it felt bad. But I recovered myself and now I have even higher standards because I value myself as a person. And I've learned to love myself and not let anyone tell anything about me. This men that put you down just want to have sex with you, and the only way they see this happening is them humiliating you. I thought that the men I had around me weren't sexist. But I guess this is a kind of sexism too. Because it's subtle agression. I never thought of it this way before. It happens to so many women that wen a guy "likes" you, he tries to make you feel as the ugliest person in earth so that you get laid with him and don't see other possibilities around. So disgusting. I even had a female friend who recently began to date a guy and I asked. how are you with your boyfriend? And she told me: He's really nice. Too nice. I got shocked, I told her, what kind of bad expectations do you have from your relationships and how are you able to put yourself in such a situation where when actually a guy is simply respect you feel like he's TOO NICE. It didn't enter in my brain. Disgusting and sad. And so many women suffer from this humiliation.

IHeartFluffyCorgis · 2020-04-04T07:24:40+00:00

Well this explains why growing up my female peers would call me mean or chastise me for not giving some scrote a chance. loool

My pussy isn't charity and I'm shocked that women are out here dating people they are not enthusiastic about. Guess that's why I'm single then because I can't fake being into someone. I'm either in it full heartedly or not at all and it'll be obvious in my body language alone if I like you or not.

I'm pretty meh or blah about most men TBH

DelicateDream · 2020-04-04T07:26:34+00:00

There was a lot of this crap on reddit around the holidays and I’m surprised I haven’t seen it now with the quarantines. Basically men bemoaning having to spend time with their family and own children and trying to sneak off to play video games until their “nag” of a wife catches them and makes them participate. Meanwhile who was doing all the work? The wife.

Why did these men get married to their wives? Why have kids? They don’t even like them. It’s all for social status and having an exclusive maid/regular sex partner/nanny/cook/second income.

saxophonepax · 2020-04-03T22:46:08+00:00

I follow a "value-added" model. If they aren't adding value to my life then I flush them. Fast.

ultra_greatsword · 2020-04-03T22:27:11+00:00

This is not "straight" culture... it's the culture of misogyny.

pikachupukachi · 2020-04-04T05:04:59+00:00

Been there done that. I used to put up with my ex uncaring and selfish behavior because my friend told me "Youre too sensitive", "appreciate that he chose you as his gf".

For a long time, I suppressed my feeling until things came to a breaking point and I realized I would rather be single than being in unloving relationship.

Its sad how much I put up with because I need to appreciate the fact that somebody liked me enough to date me, its ridiculous...

Reachingout365 · 2020-04-04T07:09:22+00:00

My first relationship is one of the first spaces I learned human decency.

I honestly never expected much, my "father" was abusive and I was also raised religious and learned to view myself as something to make others feel happy and fulfilled and thought of guys as a source of validation and feeling wanted. I didn't expect much.

I remember I went to this party with this guy I was started to see and was getting mocked by my friends and I just didn't react and stuffed it down; I'm good at poker face.

I'm insecure so I thought for sure he wouldn't want to talk to me after that and he calls me the next day and I'm all giddy and excited cause it's like "omg he still wants to talk to me" and I answer and say "hello", he doesn't even say hello he immediately just asks me, before he says anything else, "are you ok?"

My jaw literally dropped. I never expect him to notice let alone ask.

He did that all the time even for little things like oral surgery. "Are you ok? Are you sure? Are you in any pain? Is there anything I can do for you?"

We were only 15 lol. But even looking back now I know he was sincere and meant it. He was extremely protective of my feelings if anyone was nasty to me too. And he focused on my personality qualities over just my appearance, it made me feel humanized.

I haven't been in many relationships since due to trauma and I'm working on me but if I ever date again I'm going to look at how someone treats my feelings as "sacred" and has empathy... that's the only way I've been able to trust someone with my autonomy. You can't trust someone with your body imho if you can't even trust them with your emotions.

I really was just expecting a fling like, validation that I was pretty and desirable... it does seem a lot like that in relationships with women. Giving and giving and giving and I even had one of my friends apologize to me; "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I was a bad friend at the time, I didn't care about anything but having a bf." He was her source of validation. It seems like a lot of this hinges off of women feeling validated.

Reachingout365 · 2020-04-04T07:55:32+00:00

Side note I am so glad I joined here I'm learning so much! Your questions and comments are enlightening. Cause I genuinely have always wondered about this (men not liking their wives... so many of them... always wondered why it makes no sense.) the reasons are repugnant, but sound about right...

Sewud · 2020-04-04T14:07:45+00:00

Yes, they elevate their interest to such an importance that we must try to reciprocate. But then you realize their interest is not special at all. Any man I met past the age of like 22 tried to cling to me so hard saying his interest was specialer. More special than all the other men who "felt" the exact same way? More special than the other men who treated me better? Nah. Show it if you feel a special way. Don't just talk your way into it. It's manipulative.

421idk · 2020-04-04T03:58:29+00:00

fuck patriarchy and all of its ills. fuck capitalism. i relate to this big time.

TimWhortons · 2020-04-04T17:28:40+00:00

The second he stops trying to keep you, run. If he loves you, he will spend every second making sure you know just how much he cares

neopets_billionaire · 2020-04-04T00:39:21+00:00

marsinlibra is on point

ThatOneRedditGirl · 2020-04-04T13:59:44+00:00

“As if a mans interest is somehow valuable.” That’s huge. I tell my friends “what is he doing to earn YOUR interest? If he’s treating you like AN option instead of THE option, then tell him Next, Please.” There are so many men in this world who were raised to treat women well, it’s a shame people waste there time with a man who doesn’t.

Thank you, next.

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