Whose mother didn’t teach them anything about dating?

ThicThighzSavesLivez · 2020-01-30T23:42:30+00:00

My mother gave me zero advice on dating and men in general. Besides the usual women are the ones who need to lead by example. 🙄🙄 which is one more thing that supposedly falls on the shoulders of women. It’s all bullshit though imo

2020-01-30T23:56:36+00:00

My mother is basically WGTOW. She had a string of abusive relationships when she was young and after I was born she basically swore off of men. She's been single since before I was born and she's living her best life! Owns her home, has 2 cars, and has plenty of time to work on all her hobbies and spend time/money on her adult children and grandkids. It's nice that I don't have to see her stressing over a LVM.

My mom has given me so much great dating advice in the past, I just didn't listen to her and I regret it so much.

One of the biggest ones she always tried to drill in my head was "let the man come to you." I would always end up driving to other cities to meet guys because I thought it was the "cool girl" thing to do and every time she would basically scold me and say "No, let him come to you. If a man wants you, he will walk through fire to get to you."

She had lots to say about my shitty marriage, but I was ~in love~ and stubbornly didn't listen to her trying to help me avoid the misery and stress that I ended up dealing with. Now that my Roberta the Builder marriage is over, my mom has been a beacon of advice.

This time around, I will listen to her.

Edit: I just realized my answer is the opposite of the question, oops. Sorry, I'm just super thankful that my mom did give me dating advice even though I never listened to her.

ManchurianCantaloupe · 2020-01-30T23:43:29+00:00

My mom's a complete Pickme so all of the advice she gave me had to be thrown right the fuck out. All of her husbands have been completely domestically useless at best and outright narcissists at worst. My father was a good dad, but shit husband. Can't even cook pasta on his own.

Mom came to visit me with her new boyfriend this weekend. She drove all the way here from three hours away, unloaded both of their luggage by herself, walked into the house and put the boyfriend's pillow and blanket on the couch so he could nap, and then fixed him a drink. He didn't offer to lift a finger or even say thank you.

And all I could think was that absolutely couldn't. fucking. be. me.

blockhim2020 · 2020-01-31T00:18:19+00:00

I just realized that mine taught me literally nothing about dating. I ended up a pick me who put men on pedestals and basically just did everything wrong. I really wish I had received some advice instead of letting my low self esteem guide me. I’m just so glad I found FDS.

jalapenopancakes · 2020-01-30T23:30:57+00:00

Mine.

She had an idea of what to look for but she was (and still horribly is) very PickMe.

I learned what not to do by watching what happened to her, and experiencing the consequences of some of my past pickme behaviors as well.

throwmeupandacross · 2020-01-30T23:48:48+00:00

Mine. The extent of her advice was 'don't have anything to do with men, no dating no nothing, all they want is sex.' And to an extent it's true, but as a young girl who was gonna date anyway more concrete advice other than abstinence would have helped.

Inez_Honeyfox · 2020-01-30T23:50:14+00:00

Mine didn’t teach me anything at all about men. Nothing. She was a scared Pickme who luckily married my Dad who was good to her and took care of her until she passed away, but once I was grown and on my own she would occasionally talk about how she wasn’t terribly happy and sometimes wondered what her life would have looked like if she’d made other choices. This is what I think all married people/parents feel deep down that they never talk about.

TheLastUBender · 2020-01-31T11:31:25+00:00

I didn't really get any advice, good or bad. But I have seen women vilify their son's gfs, wives etc rather than give them realistic advice that also includes taking responsiblity for their actions. It is internalized misogyny.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-01-31T11:49:02+00:00

Well, my mum had a very hard life, many details of which I didn't know until 2018 so I forgive her for a lot of things that previously made me very angry, especially in my teens. In short she taught me nothing about dating or sex because I think it all made her very uncomfortable (there is a massive generation gap between us and she's incredibly old-fashioned). But she did tell me two things that stand out now: "don't trust men" and "men must be the ones to pursue women". At the time I argued with her about it because I thought it was old-fashioned and anti-feminist but now I realise some tropes are more than that, they're instincts as old as the dawn of time.

All her relationships were abusive in some way (my dad wasn't abusive but he was very mentally ill) and she's been single since I was born if you don't count the times my dad came in and out of our lives. I think she was actually trying to teach me not to be a pickmeisha. Sadly...she did not succeed. I've never been a severe pickme because I think debasing oneself like that is incredibly embarrassing but the low self-esteem and other tendencies were there. Glad to say since finding this sub those tendencies are gone to the wind.

I don't think there's anything else my mum could have said that would have affected the way dating has gone for me. I most likely would have ignored it.

NotScarJo · 2020-01-31T03:33:27+00:00

My mother was the ultimate Pickmeisha and the biggest defender of the patriarchy. Any bad behavior from men was automatically my fault.

Seraphinx · 2020-01-31T01:13:59+00:00

Zero dating advice. I really needed it too. But I think her emotional coldness is half the reason for my anxious attachment style and pick me behaviour.

TinkerInTheDark · 2020-01-31T03:22:53+00:00

My mom bailed when I was 5. I won't do that to my little girl.

pissed_af · 2020-01-31T01:18:46+00:00

My mom is always giving me pickmeisha advice, and is very old fashion in terms of gender roles, she also always favors men when she's talking about something, e.g. She hates Angelina Jolie for "stealing" brad pitt and i tell her well ma it takes two to tango and she's like oh shut up feminist. She's kind of a lost cause. She also uses me for emotional labor every time my dad yells at her but won't leave him, one day she said that if she hadn't become pregnant of me she would've divorced him like that's my fault or my problem. I don't really get affected by all of this because I know she won't change and I won't lose any more energy trying to get her to understand

Saitschik · 2020-01-31T02:03:35+00:00

No, she didn't. Not only no dating advice but no guidance and life advice in general. If she tried to force me into any direction, it was always very harmful.

When I tried to get some help from her and talked about heartbreak or dating struggle she literally ran away.

She was a housewife all her life with no own ambition and a lot of mental health struggle. Since my (cheating, narcissist) father finally took off and left, she is additionally in financial trouble.

I was angry for a long time but I came more or less to terms with how she is. Unempathic, toxic and not a big thinker...

I wonder sometimes what my life could have looked liked if I would have grown up with healthy supportive parents but it is what it is. I am busy working on myself and leveling up nevertheless.

coconutcurrychicken · 2020-01-31T04:07:24+00:00

My mom likes to tell me things such as I was a miserable person who would make any man miserable and that she felt bad for whoever ended up with me. This wasn’t dating advice per se but as you can imagine it’s had quite the negative and profound impact on my dating life

CyanCayenne · 2020-01-31T06:07:10+00:00

I got ABSOLUTELY ZERO advice about dating. I guess my parents thought I'd be a kid forever???

FuturePigeon · 2020-01-31T01:02:04+00:00

My mother was terrible role model for a young woman. She married straight out of high school, had children even though she says (often) that she didn't want children, stayed in an abusive relationship for ten years then left only to marry a man who was also an abusive alcoholic. The only advice she ever gave me was to slip my boyfriend my credit card under the table so it looks like he's paying "they like to feel like they are in charge".

Proud to say that I didn't follow in her footsteps - my one relationship of 21 years has outlasted both of hers together and he's never raised a hand to me. You better believe that when I pay for dinner, the waiter knows who to hand the card back to.

2020-01-31T02:27:07+00:00

Mine just said look for a good man. Wow. No shit.

505ithy · 2020-01-31T08:01:08+00:00

Nope, granted she was narcissistic and abusive. I was in a serious relationship of convenience before I was even 18! Thank god for the internet

flandersmustash · 2020-01-31T09:17:11+00:00

Nope!! Gained everything I knew previously from what I thought I should do culturally and societally. Now obviously I have a different mentality, and although my mum couldn’t prevent me making some mistakes, I now get to talk to her about her not making them, and where things went wrong with previous relationships.

She said to me the other day, I think people just treat you the way you allow them to. I said yes!! Whatever you tolerate is how they know they can treat you. So if you want more, demand more, don’t tolerate, that’s how you end up with abusers, toxic people and toxic behaviours. We’re not nice quiet girls, were strong women with opinions, hopes and dreams. Someone should meet us where we’re at. She loved it. Explained how I upheld that mentality in dating and as such, found someone who treats me amazingly and makes me happy and i in return treat him with the love and respect he deserves!

Next I’m trying to talk to my sister...

2020-01-31T22:31:14+00:00

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pinkliquor · 2020-01-31T15:03:18+00:00

I didn’t learn anything about dating from my mother. I’ve watched her kiss my stepdads ass since I was very young. I watch her do everything from cook, clean, grocery shop, pay bills, laundry, pack his lunch, take care of his parents, pick up his medications, make his phone calls, etc and all he has to do is come home from work and sit there.

I’ve brought this up to her and her response is that he “works hard” (but so does she) and that “she’s married and it’s her job because that’s what you do when you’re married”

Horrible mindset. My dating life has been awful too, I’ve picked the worst men and I’m trying to do better. At least I learned my lessons I guess.

2020-01-31T10:17:57+00:00

[removed]

Title	Whose mother didn’t teach them anything about dating?
Author	geishageishageisha
Upvotes	71
Comments	36
Date	January 30, 2020 11:16 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ewedqb/whose_mother_didnt_teach_them_anything_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/whose-mother-didnt-teach-them-anything-about.751091 https://theredarchive.com/post/751091

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