TW abuse.

I want to talk about something that has come up on here countless times. However, a few days ago I read some comments stating that hair pulling and choking were vanilla sex. I screamed internally.

I am here today from the position of a woman who has suffered for months at the hands of a LVM who took advantage of me. It all started small, with the hair pulling. There were countless Cosmopolitan articles stating countless researchers proving that hair pulling during sex isn’t painful, because some neuron centers responsible for pain are overwhelmed with pleasure during sex, so the normal reaction of pain becomes pleasure. Or something of that sort, I don’t remember the exact wording, but this was the gist.

That overlapped with the time this 50 shades of bs came out so it was all the rage. Girls around me started openly commenting how much they love to be spanked, slapped, choked, etc. My ex obviously had read the books, stating that “it’s nothing too special”, which to my virginal brain sounded like he was some sex expert I needed to listen to in order to get the holy grail of sexual pleasure. WRONG. He started off “innocently” enough by pulling my hair. I am super ashamed of myself that I moaned and encouraged him to keep going. This is all disgusting me as I type it. It’s worth adding that he could not cum (that’s a topic for a different post that I have in mind to write in order to share experience and protect women from anything similar) so I was always lying below him, questioning my own worth and attractiveness, asking myself why could I not be sexy enough to bring him to an orgasm.

He was always dead quiet during sex. I was moaning and orgasming and being loud even when he as much as kissed my neck, whereas he would get deepthroat blowjobs by me in lingerie, touching myself, moaning how much I love pleasing him and still utter no sound and have no reaction. I did cOmMuNiCaTe how shitty that made me feel and his response was always something like “I’m just used to being quiet from when I was masturbating in my room sorry babe but that doesn’t mean I don’t find you the sexiest woman ever”. I kept asking myself if he loved me and saw how devastated his silence made me, why couldn’t he just fake a little sound, just to make me feel good. I was so starved for that, a simple moan would have made me feel on top of the world.

And he did show he was in pleasure. When he first spanked me. My starved for approval self immediately ceased the opportunity and figured I needed to let him dominate me in order to extract any reaction from him. So everything spun rapidly afterwards, he bought a riding crop, handcuffs, blindfold. He straight up played out scenes from 50 shits of shit, spanking me with a leather belt and making me count. I was screaming in pain but all this was overpowered by my desire to be pleasing him so I kept getting wet for him on which he always commented before and during having sex with me. My body was commanding that I should like it and get aroused because he was aroused. It was never normal sex, there needed to be choking, a spank session, handcuffs, ripping my clothing or anything else he considered kinky. AND STILL he could not cum during sex. STILL every time he had me give him a blowjob or handjob to then stop me, take over vigorously fast and hard (death grip, hello) and what now seems like the most disgusting part of it, when he was close, he always pulled my head so he could finish in my mouth. The first time he ever did was with no warning, he apologized and promised to never do it again, but never stopped so I accepted it as the norm.

I would like to tell everyone still reading, NEVER put up with this. Leave at the first warning sign. If you read everything, you can tell that it never gets better, it gets worse. The “innocent” hairpulling escalated in beating me with a riding crop and the words “I know you like it, look how wet you are”.

Around a year after I dumped him, suddenly I started getting panic attacks. It was one of the worst times of my life, crying, nightmares, I couldn’t be alone without being in fear. It was like all the suppressed dislike and disgust over this whole BDSM came flooding. I felt like I had r*ped myself by allowing him to do all those things and brainwashing myself into saying and showing I liked them. Just for his pleasure. Now I am disgusted he ever touched me, disgusted by the thought of him, his voice, his face. Everything about him is UNBEARABLY ugly to me and I feel like throwing up that I allowed him to touch me.

Nah, FUCK THAT. If his pleasure is my pain, fuck that. If he is gifting me flowers and kissing my hand during the day, whereas beating me during the night, he’s NOT a sexy dominator, he’s bipolar and in need of a mental institution. The end.