Worst Lessons You Received Growing Up about Dating/Sex

Blackishcat27 · 2019-11-14T15:56:54+00:00

I was raised in the Mormon church and the absolute obsession with people getting married gave me this sense that I wasn't worth while if I couldn't get a man's approval. I'm still getting over the conditioning.

FoxeyLady1967 · 2019-11-14T16:00:36+00:00

The gateway to reciprocal emotional connection is him unloading his anger and pain on you and you nursing him back to calm and happiness

I was raised by mentally ill people who expected me to be responsible for their emotional state and I learned to do this x1000.

This kind of conditioning and behavior makes us targets for abuse from narcissists and other people with PDs.

rad_daphne · 2019-11-14T14:38:08+00:00

I think you summed it up pretty well.

I think I fairly believed in Prince Charming appearing one day to whisk me away

I was taught by society that women don't deserve pleasure and if they happen to get it it's a nice accident but you are never allowed to ask and you are certainly not allowed to demand your fair share

I also really thought that being nice would get me nice and return

That only forcible rape counted, not all the other myriad ways men rape women

Vespe50 · 2019-11-14T16:50:00+00:00

1)That man can be change by love, an angry, selfish man can become a prince. No, a good man is good from the beginning. 2) it s a bad moment, he is tired, he is under pressure but deep down he is a good, kind guy. No, people who mistreat others when they feel bad are just worthless.

JuddHerpatow · 2019-11-14T18:37:18+00:00

[deleted]

husheveryone · 2019-11-14T16:15:33+00:00

When my teenage boyfriend cheated, and then stalked me after I dumped him and went No Contact on him for the cheating, my mom told me not to report it to our university because “it might jeopardize his future employment prospects.” And she added “men need to sow their wild oats.” Zero concern for me. I reported, the police actually got him to leave me alone, and today my ex boyfriend runs a successful nonprofit... and has the whole world fooled into thinking he‘s a sweet Bay Area father of 2.

(My mom is a big ol’ narcissist BTW.)

christmasforoutlaws · 2019-11-14T19:00:43+00:00

Women don't get to pick their own partner. A man decides he wants you and you have to say yes. Is it any wonder that all of my serious relationships have been abusive?
A man's validation is the end-all, be-all of your life.
A woman's virginity is the only thing of worth she has. No man wants to marry a woman who isn't a virgin, because she's used up and dirty. That one fucked me up for years after I was raped.
Women can go to college and have jobs, but they should never, EVER try to accomplish anything or do anything that might hurt their husband's ego.
Men are always going to try and cheat on you, but don't take it personally unless he actually has sex with another woman. But even then, you can't leave him.

nolongerstacy · 2019-11-14T15:29:28+00:00

Women are the gatekeepers of sex while men are the gatekeepers of commitment.

A man chooses his wife.

Women have sex with who they want, while men have sex with who they can. Men marry who they want, women marry who they can.

The man goes as far as to where the woman let's him.

wawatertermemelonlon · 2019-11-14T17:59:35+00:00

The thing when you can't make out and do stuff with a guy and then decide that you don't want sex because blue balls, took me too long to realise that I can stop whenever I want

Also I've read so much on the internet about how women are bad and the "bad" things they do, which made me try hard not to be that girl, I was the cringy notlikeothergirls type which led to me being a doormat for my ex :')

Basically I wish someone taught me more self respect and selfishness

spicytexan · 2019-11-14T18:36:25+00:00

You should always give him a chaaaance, even if you’re not physically attracted at all and/or his personality turns you off and scares you

All of these bothered and struck a chord with me but ESPECIALLY this one, why the fuck should I adjust my preferences or standards for anybody?

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2019-11-14T15:15:07+00:00

The dating "rules" were written by men for the benefit of men, and they brainwashed women into thinking these were simply the dating rules of life through religion, political power, and historically evident oppression of women through systems of patriarchy. Won't go into that here, go read the feminism subs for more info.

Essentially the rules of dating were written by men, for the benefit of men. What truly works on them, the effective strategies, come from experienced women who went out there and figured out what does and doesn't work on men. The fact of the matter is that male-authored dating advice advises women to be insecure, be desperate, worship a man, remain pure and naive, be as inexperienced as possible, and give unattractive, low quality men "a chance" so they can get laid too. This advice maximizes male benefit and optimizes the chances for men to get sex, and that's it. It doesn't look out for women or a woman's best interests.

Oh, and a lot of good info comes from gay men. Seriously. I learned about how to catch a cheater from a gay subreddit where one guy who was cheating on his SO was trying to get this app called "hoverwatch" off his phone. It's an app that hides itself but secretly records phone activity (data, sms, location, deleted stuff).

pinkyberries · 2019-11-14T17:04:40+00:00

Worst lesson was that we're responsible for fixing men and that's why we should tolerate his ass.

noavocadoshere · 2019-11-14T18:20:45+00:00

while i'd note the usual "get under somebody new to get over your broken heart" and empowerment through objectification masquerading as sexual liberation, the biggest lesson that messed me up was receiving no lesson from my parents, besides my mother's one-off random talk about AIDS/HIV after going to my family doctor (¿thanks mom?). there was also shaming of sex from my youth group and abstinence was the answer to my sex ed course in high school. while being told to focus on my schoolwork and future was solid advice, i wasn't allowed to date which led to me not being able to talk to my parents, seeking conflicting advice from the internet and was left without any idea how to deal with a boy who approached you, let alone navigate sex and safety.

other worst lessons:

to "swallow" from my former best friend so that it'd be less of a mess (which is what happens when teenagers learn from each other).

-wide-set-vagina- · 2019-11-14T21:52:05+00:00

“A key that can open many locks is useful, while a lock that opens to many keys is worthless.”

Spoken by an older male sibling. And my parents can’t understand why we aren’t close...

MagicAte_8 · 2019-11-15T00:26:23+00:00

That men respect and """"honor"""" passive, doormat, starfish women more than confident, b!tchy, vivacious women.

Evo psych is bullshit, but consider this:

If a man fathers children with two equally attractive women, one passive and one b!tchy, which woman will be able to fight/negotiate/advocate for better resources for her children if he dies? The b!tchy one!

Headcanon this is why a man is enamored with a woman who doesn't put up with any of his shit, since a b!tchy personality signals that she'll achieve a high quality life for his children with or without him.

Blackishcat27 · 2019-11-14T15:55:06+00:00

The worst thing my mother ever said to me as an impressionable teenage girl were the words when a man loves a woman when having the sex talk. I foolishly took it to mean if a guys dick gets hard he loves you. I had to learn the hard way that it's not true. Thankfully I learned really really fast.

zucchiniweenie · 2019-11-14T19:24:29+00:00

If you take nudes you deserve to get them leaked. That it's normal, and not immoral, for men to pass around intimate, private photos that women share with them, so if you send any you're asking for the entire world to see it.

I was raised by Trump lovers and Fox News, if you couldn't tell.

JuddHerpatow · 2019-11-14T22:48:34+00:00

I think the worst thing was being taught to compete with other women and that beauty is tantamount to everything. Can we all just agree to eat carbs again and let men deal with their expectations?

CoolMelonade · 2019-11-14T23:12:52+00:00

I had a male “abstinence” sex Ed teacher who literally compared girls who had sex to a chewed up piece of bubble gum, spit it into his hand, and asked us why any man would want that. This was a public school.

2019-11-14T19:24:35+00:00

Just to blindingly follow your feelings and go for who ever you "love" regardless of practicality

lasolterita · 2019-11-14T19:07:01+00:00

The gateway to reciprocal emotional connection is him unloading his anger and pain on you and you nursing him back to calm and happiness

Didn't even realize I'd learned this until you mentioned it. Shit.

The worst thing you can do is “scare him away”

As someone recovering from the pickme mindset this hits home.

My own:

Guys want a girl who says no when she means yes
People belong to neat types (the nerdy girl, the sporty girl, the emo girl, the cutesie girl, etc.) and if I don't fit one of these guys won't want me
HVM are really common & having to pick between two of them is as well

kaylazomg · 2019-11-15T03:07:01+00:00

I agree that whatever we are told growing up about sex we tend to believe is true, often dysfunctional beliefs resulting in dysfunctional behavior.

I grew up feeling shame and fear over my womanly body. I was educated about what a vagina and penis are, but never educated about sanitary health and general everyday health for private parts. I was taught how to use protection during sex and what STDs looked like up close, but not how to have trusting consensual sex or how to look out for red flags of abuse and manipulation. I was never taught about how to communicate with your partner and have sexual discussions. I was never taught about the complexity of the female orgasm and shown how it works and how to educate men.

Schools should be teaching kids much more than std and condoms. . .

millenialprincess · 2019-11-14T23:50:39+00:00

Is a guy complimenting your looks a red flag?

Title	Worst Lessons You Received Growing Up about Dating/Sex
Author	jjpkcommenter
Upvotes	212
Comments	61
Date	November 14, 2019 2:23 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dwa6re/worst_lessons_you_received_growing_up_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/worst-lessons-you-received-growing-up-about.695301 https://theredarchive.com/post/695301

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