"Weaponized incompetence" is just code for "men need to listen to women and do what they're told"

Jaded_Japan · 2022-04-15T01:27:47+00:00

I think it's very easy to feel like your partner is weaponizing incompetence. My wife frequently asks for my help with tasks I have no idea how to do--usually technology- or automotive-related or dealing with entities outside the home (government stuff, service industry providers, etc.)

And it's always a little weird for me, because it's like...you've been using a macbook for years now. I've never owned an Apple product. Why on earth are you asking for the help of someone with way less experience?

At best, in situations where it's essentially novel to both of us, you're still going to have to catch me up on what you need, why you need it, and what you've tried so far before I have the same level of knowledge on this as you do so that I can...google what you just told me.

Or you can just google what you'd otherwise spend that time telling me and get exactly the same results.

And the wild thing is, she seems to think I'm weaponizing incompetence in these situations, if not in those exact words. Obviously I know more about computers, I'm a guy. Obviously a guy would know what size windshield wipers her car needs (I am not a car guy. I do not, nor do I want to own a car.) Since I obviously do know about these things, the only reason I could be pretending not to is because I can't be bothered.

I don't want to fall into the trap of saying I know my wife is actually the one who's guilty, but I do know that we're both incompetent in these situations, and if anyone's weaponizing that, it isn't me.

My wife isn't ungrateful for the most part when it comes to day-to-day household chores,, but I sometimes feel like she doesn't realize how hard the things I'm really good at are. That when I fix something electrical that would've cost us hundreds of dollars it's just taken for granted that guys know how to do that, even though she couldn't tell you what a volt is.

But it's way worse when it's taken for granted that even things you're completely baffled by should be trivial. Not only do you get no real credit for doing it, you get negative credit if you can't.

Nayko214 · 2022-04-15T00:41:56+00:00

I know that feel first hand. My mom is very much the nagging type but also 'No I'm gonna do it because you don't know how to" about most things. She'll whine whine whine that she doesn't get help for things, but when someone offers to actually help she goes "Oh no I got it." *waves hand dismissively and now no one knows how to do anything I guess*

Bryan_Side_Account · 2022-04-15T03:07:41+00:00

I hate this "weaponized incompetence" term so much. It's just weird intrafamilial power politics.

And yeah, a lot of this is literally just men being less likely to be particular about our standards of cleanliness. Some of us are totally comfortable waiting to do the dishes until there are enough dishes to fill the dishwasher, for example. A lot of us clean as needed rather than ritually.

Oncefa2 · 2022-04-15T00:47:22+00:00

My husband folds clothes inside-out.

If I want them done my way, I do it myself.

I'm not going to sit here and train him on how to fold clothes. He KNOWS how to fold clothes. He's not disabled. He just doesn't care to right them before folding because for him, he would right them before putting them on, anyway. We just differ in when that part should be done.

This isn't weaponized incompetence. This is a difference of opinion. Do you prefer to right clothes before you wear them or before you put them away?

I've been told he does this intentionally to annoy me into doing the laundry.

I think he does it because that's how he's always done it and he doesn't care about the same thing(s) I do.

BloomingBrains · 2022-04-15T06:13:30+00:00

Its funny that they're saying this when "learned helplessness" existed before it, and it was specifically noted that this phenomenon happens with girls/women more often.

Now of course feminist academia tries to paint this as "women 'learning' they're helpless because that's what the patriarchy wants" but I think there are many examples of this happening in real life that have nothing to do with patriarchy.

For instance, I see the demand for male protection of women from rapists and the like as an extension of this. Women are are quite capable of taking a self defense class, carrying weapons, proactively avoiding dangerous situations, etc. but feminists feel entitled to male protection so they play "helpless" ironically fueling the right-wing position on women.

So its funny to me that when women do it, its being "helpless-though-not-because-of-us-because-of-society" and when men do its also an attack on women.

If a woman punches a man in the face, its his fault for hurting her hand.

DekajaSukunda · 2022-04-15T05:11:14+00:00

lmao. I learned about "weaponized incompetence" from The Simple Life - that '00s reality show with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. They didn't call it that, but there was one episode where they had to babysit a girl, and her parents asked her to do the dishes. Paris goes on and just wets them and leaves to dry greasy and everything. She then says "when your parents ask you to do these chores, just do them as bad as possible so they don't ask you again". I loved that show lol.

Anyway... I hate this on-going trend of straight people (usually women) whining about their relationships and framing their personal couple problems as some sort of national public crisis.

lorarc · 2022-04-15T07:30:29+00:00

I'm a man dating women so I look at it from a different angle but I see the same with women.

Most of women I dated refused to do simple tasks that were male-coded in culture. Whether that be fixing a leaking tap, putting a nail in the wall or tightening some screw the women would claim they are unable to do it and that they needed me to do it. I dated some women who didn't have a problem but others just didn't want to try.

I wouldn't be surprised if some men did the same, the moment they have someone else to do some tasks for them they'll forget how to do them.

bigdtbone · 2022-04-15T03:25:05+00:00

I think this misses the essence of the term. Weaponized incompetence is the result of being admonished for completing a task previously and then being shit on about how you did it.

The result is the thought, “if I’m going to be shit on anyway, I’d rather just do nothing.” And you get scenarios like;

“Will you do the dishes?”

“No, apparently I don’t know how and you’re better at it so you should do it.”

And someone really didn’t get the dipping sarcasm coming of that statement and thought the guy was trying to be clever and get away with something; so she called it “weaponized incompetence.”

When really it is just, “you’re a giant B and I’m not going to engage with your inappropriate behavior any longer.”

mpgd8 · 2022-04-15T12:03:24+00:00

Like people here have said, that can be a matter of perspective: What's good enough for me is not acceptable to you; maybe the case of a woman wanting things to be done her way, or maybe a man simply not knowing how to perform a task.

The major issue is, in my opinion: When every action, or lack thereof, taken by a man, is seen as a calculated ploy aimed to hurt of place undue burden on a woman, doesn't that negate his humanity somehow? In this scenario, it's not a matter of a man being flawed, or preferring to complete a chore in a certain manner, it is him simply being abusive.

That reminds of a FDS thread where they were trying to justify not engaging in communication: 70% of all communication is non-verbal, therefore, if an expectation is not being met, then that is being done on purpose. Again, the same idea that man a cannot make honest mistakes or be unaware of a problem, what's actually happening is him consciously seeking to abuse his partner.

eldred2 · 2022-04-15T14:09:15+00:00

After all, is it "weaponized incompetence" when women refuse to do carpentry, yard work, the trash, automotive work, masonry, appliance work, or any other male coded task?

In the case of FDS types it is. They are projecting.

Mammoth_Salt_4509 · 2022-04-15T14:14:38+00:00

I don't dislike this term itself. It helped me recognize a bad behavioural pattern I was starting to adopt unconsciously (avoiding chores, using as an excuse that I wasn't going to do it the way my gf wanted them anyway). I found it useful in this sense to avoid this sort of lazyness.

What I really dislike is how it's used in a sexist way, implying it to be an intrinsecally male behaviour. In my anecdotal experience (this is all very anecdotal anyway...) I am constantly nagged by friends and family (women and men alike) to do for them some basic tech-related task because "you are such a genius". I'm not, I just look stuff on Google.

Isn't that weaponized incompetence too? If so, it's normal human lazyness. Nothing to do with being men or women. Using it to attack men is "weaponized language".

Tiggywiggler · 2022-04-15T07:57:25+00:00

What is a female coded task? Google isn't helping me here.

skellious · 2022-04-15T13:20:08+00:00

What is really happening is that men and women have different opinions about how those tasks need to be done.

This is the biggest thing. What I perceive as tidy "enough" is not tidy at all to a lot of people. I just don't see the point in fighting entropy.

notarobot4932 · 2022-04-15T19:36:08+00:00

My old history teacher would tell stories of how he'd purposefully mess up chores so that his wife would just do them herself.

BakaBussy · 2022-04-15T19:49:02+00:00

imagine not knowing how to do something and your partner telling you you're trying to upset them and force them to do it when you just aren't capable..

sounds like a really unhealthy relationship.

InitiatePenguin · 2022-04-15T03:11:30+00:00

I think the use case of weaponized incompetence is overblown and is another example of previous phrases (learned helplessness) being reframed/rephrased into medicalized terms of abuse.

Such that it's no longer appropriate to say you were lied to. But gaslit.

It is possible, to maliciously perform tasks/duties/chores incorrectly to force the other person to do it, or to not be asked to again. However, most cases are not that. And ultimately stem from resentment of your partner because you can't communicate properly.

That said. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is essentialist garbage and it's premise fundementally flawed from today's understanding of sex, gender, behavioral, psychological and neurological sciences. It's from the 90s and contributed to the era of gendering literally everything.

a-man-from-earth · 2022-04-15T02:16:12+00:00

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Kuato2012 · 2022-04-15T13:12:26+00:00

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alcockell · 2022-04-15T03:35:44+00:00

"From that point I couldn't help but notice a change in Daisy..."

gnataak · 2022-04-16T21:24:05+00:00

People pointing out the weaponized incompetence could help get rid of the useless husband trope. I’m sick of men being treated like they don’t know how to do things or people pretending they don’t know how to do things.

For example, fathers watching their own kids shouldn’t be considered babysitters. Hopefully, they are just as involved with their children’s lives as the children’s mothers. Also, people who just gave birth and are recovering shouldn’t be expected to clean, with which I’m sure you all agree since this can be a long and hard recover for the body.

Men are capable of a lot more than people give them credit for- sometimes more than they give themselves credit for.

I can understand any defensiveness, and it’s important to not make assumptions. Men’s and women’s preferences should both be respected in a household. I don’t want to be stuck doing the dishes every night because my husband hates doing the dishes. I hate doing the dishes, too. I prefer mowing the lawn and fixing things (like the computer or the bikes) over doing the dishes. I hate traditionally feminine household chores- they bore me more than anything in the world. Lol

I agree it’s important for women to do gross chores like taking out the trash sometimes. I worked at a gas station and it was always dripping liquids, which was nasty. I can empathize. The social construct of gender and gender roles is certainly a double edged sword.

I consider myself to be a feminist, and I believe misogyny causes problems specific to men, too- i.e. society looking down on men for doing feminine things like crying, doing household chores, wearing makeup, wearing dresses, or liking men romantically. It really sucks. No one will really win until it all disappears. I appreciate how this group is not trying to put women down more to uplift men and is creating a safe place to discuss men’s issues instead of using men’s issues to invalidate women’s issues. That’s awesome! (:

GorchestopherH · 2022-04-18T21:11:21+00:00

You've hit the nail on the head with your statement on weaponized incompetence being a blame-deflecting spin on micromanagement.

New (or just bad) managers have a similar problem sharing work without micromanaging that work.

TheFoxForest · 2022-08-03T10:23:16+00:00

What is a "female coded task?" Tasks aren't inherently male or female. If you want your wife to do the yard work, sit down and split the chores. She does the yard, you do dishes. Easy. Also, all the tasks you mentioned are not daily, and yet somehow the "female coded" tasks usually are. The problem is when some men are asked to be an equal partner around the house and then tasks don't get done / don't get done well. Food still on the dishes after they've been washed, dirt still on the floor after vacuuming, laundry not washed because they don't know how (instead of asking), things not put away because they "don't know where it goes." . *That* is weaponized incompetence.

Title	"Weaponized incompetence" is just code for "men need to listen to women and do what they're told"
Author	Oncefa2
Upvotes	214
Comments	75
Date	April 15, 2022 12:14 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/u3v9s5/weaponized_incompetence_is_just_code_for_men_need/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/weaponized-incompetence-is-just-code-for-men-need.1112623 https://theredarchive.com/post/1112623

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