[Quick FR] Shutting down bad behavior

DanceMonkeeDance · 2017-06-08T16:41:00+00:00

So many responses seem to be failing to recognize that W&S viewed the exchange as a boundary violation, not as flirting or a shit test. The appropriate response to that is withdrawal of assistance, even temporarily, not AA/AM.

Mrs. Monkee asked to borrow my truck today. I told her I'd take her car and have it cleaned while I am at work (dirt cheap in the parking garage). Got home yesterday and told her to get her shit out of the car. She didn't, so I took my spare car this morning and it is getting cleaned instead. She knows that gathering her stuff out of her car so it can get cleaned is a boundary for me. Withdrawing assistance is the action that gets understood. AA/AM would actually encourage the behavior.

BobbyPeru · 2017-06-08T19:27:06+00:00

Wow , a lot of differing opinions on this one. I can see good points on both sides, but ultimately this is a quick FR in a vacuum. With that said, perhaps OP is being the fun cool guy in other situations and knows when to nip BS in the bud. It took me a 2nd reading of NMMNG to understand you can't A&A, AM, or STFU everything.

Sometimes you need to hold boundaries without getting butthurt.

stdrp · 2017-06-08T13:00:18+00:00

Butthurt reaction. You need to loosen up and get a sense of humor. You feel disrespected by your wife and are reacting to her negatively.

Sidebar ------>

2ndal · 2017-06-08T13:55:05+00:00

Sounds like a lot of butthurt to me.

GargantuaBlarg29 · 2017-06-08T12:10:47+00:00

ok, no more advice then

And then you followed that up with some witty comments poking fun at her right? Or something like: "I was going to help, but for that insubordination I'm just going to tickle you now instead" and go at it mercilessly...right?

Scurvemuch · 2017-06-08T14:09:49+00:00

Only you know if it was disrespectful or a poorly done attempt at humor.

Keep knocking down your wife's flirting though.

walkingthelinux · 2017-06-08T12:34:33+00:00

This was a total bitch move on your part. Autistic overreaction.

md8716 · 2017-06-08T15:11:35+00:00

Leadership 101 - You can't uphold discipline if you don't first set expectations and consequences.

So she says her little comment. You say "hey, you asked me for help. I've got better shit I could be doing, like scratching my balls". Or <insert other activity here>. If she still acts up, then say bye and go scratch your balls or whatever you said you would do.

You are programming her to treat your time more valuably. You can dissuade disrespectful behavior, but you really do come off as butthurt, because what she did wasn't THAT disrespectful. It may have been in your eyes, but then that's a failure on your part to immediately correct and set the standard. That failure made you look petty and insecure.

Moral of the story - communicate expectations and consequences. And for fucks sake, stick to your word.

stonepimpletilists · 2017-06-08T13:18:13+00:00

It's not about the nail. Even with computers, women want sympathy.

I just stopped trying to explain to my SO why a 600mg excel file is not a good idea, and you need to start learning how to database. Now, I simply tell her that it's hilarious that she's great at 'Amish solutions'

End of the day, she still did all she had to, just slower?

Fuck it, I got bigger fish to fry

Mildly_Sociopathic · 2017-06-08T12:51:17+00:00

Ok. No more advice then.

I finished giving the advice 15 minutes later at lunch.

The least you could do is stick to your guns, big shoots.

coluorred · 2017-06-08T15:11:46+00:00

Your time is valuable, so don't waste it on the unappreciative.

I get this type of test from my girls when I help them with homework. They just want the answers right away and for me to do their work. Instead I take them through a Socratic method to help them realize themselves what they need to know. If they get mad at me for not doing their homework, I will just say I'm done and leave until they cool down.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-06-08T22:49:46+00:00

Wife: Oooo, 8 gigs.

Sounds like she was making a sexual joke. Why would you shut that down?

FireTempered · 2017-06-08T15:58:16+00:00

I read all the analysis here. Pretty consuming attention to this little exchange.

IMO here is the meat of the issue:

In a half joking/half mocking tone. It's one of those subtle things where it's obvious that what I'm saying isn't being taken the way I want it to

Her half joking is OK, her half mocking is not. But the number one, central, issue is: ..."isn't being taken the way I want it to."

She did not enter his frame and W&S set about to tip the ball into the goal. The method was simple. Do not reward behavior, bad behavior, that is defined as bad behavior by W&S and only by W&S. It is not complicated, but it is a simple orientation to the goal of having her enter his frame on his terms and only on his terms.

It is all there, in W&S's very sparse style of making every word count. This is not as ambiguous as some are making it out to be.

IMO, Bottom Line: Enter my frame on my terms, or be deprived of it.

Edit - or, WTF, I might have it wrong.

donedreadpirate · 2017-06-08T13:18:36+00:00

My default is to just always make it a sex joke.

* Yeah, I know you like that 8" gig, girl.
* Damn, I thought you liked my 7.5 gig...

Or I just make a silly face, mocking her, and keep talking. I don't think it's bad to put her in her place from time to time, though. Especially in front of other people.

weakandsensitive · 2017-06-08T22:42:30+00:00

Congratulations on stirring one of the most interesting discussions I've read in a while; and from such a simple interaction.

man_in_the_world · 2017-06-09T01:51:06+00:00

This is what shit tests of men at advanced levels of respect and frame look like: subtle, ambiguous, and thus plausibly deniable. /u/weakandsensitive

correctly recognized it as a shit test (unlike many of our commenters here)
took the opportunity to express a boundary important to him ("If you engage me for expert assistance, don't challenge how I do the job"), and
enforced his boundary by STFU/putting her in time-out for a few minutes on the subject.

Armchair alphas can debate after the fact whether there might have been alternate or even better responses, but this was a perfectly good one, and an instructive episode for those at more advanced levels, even though this is totally over the heads of the n00bs.

Edit: The important point is that there are "advanced" responses to shit-tests beyond STFU, A&A, and AM that directly challenge rather than merely deflect the test, and which belong in the toolbox of men who already command frame and respect.

88Will88 · 2017-06-09T03:43:16+00:00

Had a similar experience recently. Basically I was taking the time to explain something to SO and she gets distracted by plates of food being carried by a waitress. I tell her she will give me her full attention when I speak or I will cease speaking to her. She says sorry and looks back at me, within seconds I notice her eyes are not on me and her expression is not one of interest. So my tone is now one of frustration, I explain that it is rude of her so now I will not finish my explanation. She is now genuinely upset at her lack of concentration, she apologises with wide open, attentitive eyes. Her apology is genuine and she asks me to please explain. So I proceed, she learns something and we have a good night out. It is important to stamp on little bad habits before they become big bad habits. A stitch in time saves 9.

ReddJive · 2017-06-09T22:51:11+00:00

Yep. My shrew and MIL do this all the time. Neither can take advice from men. They ask but it itself is a shit test.

My MIL get what I call shark eyes. They literally roll into her head when a man dispenses advice. What they are really seeking is validation that their advice or knowledge is correct. Often it is not. It gets pretty heated when it's a traditional male subject.

They ask me. I'll respond any number of ways based on what I want to accomplish. From AM to black knighting them. Most times I just tell them not interested their discussions because I am being baited and I won't play the game. Could I turn it around? Sure. But why? I'm not interested. It's not time I wish to spend.

I should write a post about my MIL and how her behavior effects my shit tester and her sisters. But I'd have to change a lot to avoid doxxing. She is a text book cc rider and her three daughters each have a different persona and outlook that can be traced to a facet of my MIL. Really it's textbook red pill.

justpickanyusername · 2017-06-08T15:35:31+00:00

She's just flirting and messing with you. That's a good thing. I am a techie as well and when I talk geek my wife would do similar. Tech is not her thing. I don't see this as disrespect. You got butthurt over 8 gigs because you wanted to flex your techie muscles.

So, if my wife started talking about this new mascara (pick any topic) and why it can handle 8 eyelashes at once to my sister with me standing there I would say "Oooo, 8 lashes."

AA and move on with your explanation. "Yes, that's 8 fucking gigs, around 8000 Megabytes, and don't even get me started on how many kilobytes." It will all go over their heads. Let go of your ego it will always get in the way.

0kool74 · 2017-06-08T13:26:56+00:00

It looks like you do not have the ability to distinguish between disrespectful behavior and witty, playful banter. Also, you lack balls between your legs. You go butthurt, then 15 minutes later finish giving the advice. WTF?????

It'd be one thing if she sarcastically said you don't know anything about computers and not to listen to you. But "ooooo, 8 gigs"? Come on man.....even a King of the Blue Pill would be able to tell that's just playful humor.

fuckmrp · 2017-06-08T15:21:30+00:00

Women do not appreciate the same things, in the same ways as men. Wife did not give a fuck about your knowledge or HER sisters trivial problem. They did not ask you for help. You put on your save-a-hoe costume and got butt hurt because they made fun of your cape.

This stinks of validation seeking and butt hurts.

[deleted] · 2017-06-09T10:37:33+00:00

She was playfully disrespectful and you could easily have handled this better. I think you know that

ex_addict_bro · 2017-06-11T21:36:26+00:00

that will show her

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2017-06-13T14:33:08+00:00

You sound like a child. There are probably lots of different reasons your frame is so weak, but you can't demand absolute respect every time you think you deserve it.
It sounds like she was playing with you. But since you've got no frame and you don't know how to handle shit tests, you failed like a brat and are no closer robber wanting to fuck you.

SECTION	CONTENT
Title	Wu-Tang Clan - Gravel Pit (Fight scene)
Description	...Ain't Nuthin' to Fuck Wit.
Length	0:01:27

Title	[Quick FR] Shutting down bad behavior
Author	weakandsensitive
Upvotes	18
Comments	204
Date	June 8, 2017 12:02 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/6g0ibu/quick_fr_shutting_down_bad_behavior/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/quick-fr-shutting-down-bad-behavior.198745 https://theredarchive.com/post/198745

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