Discernment needs to be reworked.

Barneysparky · 2026-06-11T15:58:15+00:00

OP

Are you saying because men lie we should ignore red flags? What red flags should one ignore? Saying rude things? Making comments that are negative towards women? Saying things like "you are not like other girls"? Having a criminal record?

Which red flags specifically would you like women to ignore?

Downtown_Cat_1745 · 2026-06-11T15:59:48+00:00

You contradict yourself. Are women supposed to ignore their non-negotiables? Or are abusers so stealthy that they can maneuver around them?

You just disproved the whole “choose better” argument

Kaleidoscopetide · 2026-06-11T16:40:35+00:00

Specific "rules" and "hacks" sell really well, which is why you have so many podcasters and tiktok psychopaths and even a few published authors talking about "rules" and "tests" and "systems" for dating. These rules and systems work for people who are really bad at socializing naturally (and no shade on them! not everyone has to be good at everything!), but for most people, they're not very useful, and most people don't use them. The vast majority of women are not following specific rules and they aren't trying to "test" their dates. They're just using their eyes and ears and flawed little hormone-addled minds to try to determine who they like and who they will have fun with and who will be nice to them, which is really the best anyone can do.

EvaGenaMeana · 2026-06-11T16:29:32+00:00

Feels like you’re kind of admitting (or realizing) that “vetting” doesn’t really work. Even you say that a guy can pretend to be a good guy, then pump and dump 5 years later.

waffleznstuff30 · 2026-06-11T16:29:43+00:00

I think discernment is mostly personal.

My boyfriend has a neck tattoo and visible hand tattoos. And wears leather and is all gothed out. But has the kindest most teddy bear heart. He is also very emotionally expressive. Some people may see the visible tattoos and be like no thanks. I have visible tattoos as well. I'm building a sleeve of patchwork tattoos from my travels. And see him gushing about his feelings as lovebombing. But he makes me feel safe, happy, I don't feel like I am being appraised. I can show up just as me.

I think ultimately it's how YOU feel with them. Because red flags could be someone's non negotiable and your eh no big deal.. or as you get to know them. Does their sudden silence make you feel uneasy are they closed off. How do you feel in yourself in connection with this person. More so than a list of arbitrary red flags about someone.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2026-06-11T18:42:16+00:00

Seatbelts don't prevent every death, so stop wearing them.

Brushing your teeth doesn't prevent every cavity so don't bother doing it

I refuse to date a man who believe in gender roles. Can someone lie about it? Yeah. But also if they do lie and it comes out, guess who's filing for divorce!

Purple_Cruncher_123 · 2026-06-11T16:08:35+00:00

What do you propose otherwise? Getting your average person to even think about red flags to begin with is already a large hurdle. Some people learn after one bad exposure, others need their fingers burned multiple times with scars before they reconsider touching a hot stove.

You're right, every test maker, metric benchmarker, and goal setter knows if you make a certain criterion the end-all, then everyone games that metric. That doesn't inherently mean the alternative of not having it is better. It does not need to be perfect to deliver value. If the odds of getting played was 30% before and is 10% now, you're still at risk but the risk is substantially lower.

I’m usually more trusting of someone with visible flaws over someone that appears to be flawless only to find out that was their master plan all along.

This is easy to game too. Magicians call it redirecting. Give you something silly and obvious to focus on so you're less likely to notice the real issues. There's even a whole gag about this in corporate work (to switch context real quick). If you have one of those bosses who has to always nitpick something, give them an obvious typo or something inconsequential so they can 'fix' that part and leave the actual thing you wanted unchanged alone.

All of this ignores anyways that the easiest way to fool someone is to let them fool themselves on your behalf. All the skilled charming men I knew who used their skill to maintain their bachelor lifestyles aren't out there spinning webs of intrigue. More often than not, they just navigate the ambiguous space of 'situationship' and the women they're seeing convince themselves that it's more than that. I would even say as a guy watching from the outside, it's actually a super easy 'red flag' test to set up to avoid this scenario and reduce (never actually eliminate) about 90% of these plate spinning attempts.

b_berry458 · 2026-06-11T20:54:13+00:00

I guess the best approach I arrived on is just dipping the second I don’t like how things are starting to go. Even in marriage making it clear I won’t tolerate bullshit and trusting myself that I could leave. I don’t have kids though and that would make things harder for sure.
People can trick you sometimes but I believe in the ‘fool me once’ saying

DMmeClownPics · 2026-06-11T18:04:38+00:00

Idk, I feel pretty damn good about my vetting abilities now, given that it’s been over 20 years since I have been in any kind of abusive relationship. I have been in relationships that have, for various reasons, not worked out. But I’m still close friends with them all and care deeply for them.

If I get an uncomfortable feeling about someone, I no longer just brush it aside and ignore it. And no, it’s not just neurodivergence that “gives me the ick”. I don’t date neurotypicals. They’re often very nice people, but they bore the shit out of me and I just can’t relate to them.

Enough-Business-8287 · 2026-06-11T18:50:10+00:00

You're right we should be very wary of "green flags" as narcisstic and abusive men are very good at making us believe they are angels of light whilst hiding their dark shadows.

However, if I see a clear red flag such as a man parotting the talking points of the manosphere or uttering a racist statement, I'm just gonna run away as fast as I can from him.

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-11T20:28:31+00:00

The way most women call these out seems to allow for the most efficient predatory men to simply hide their flaws and that will give them an easy in to your life.

Yes. But then, it's always going to be easy for duplicitous men with a talent for hiding their flaws. Like... isn't that obvious? That's the whole point of being duplicitous: to trick people into giving you what you want.

Equally if a man has obvious red flags does that mean there’s no good to be found

Most red flags are just signifiers of personality traits someone doesn't want to experience. Whether you're a good person deep down or not, a person heeding red flags simply won't want to hang out with you.

but what about people that just learn the rules and the system and play into them well enough?

It's WEIRD but despite how loudly red flags are discussed, the average man is astonishingly incompetent at hiding them!

I think it's because the average man doesn't have even one close female friend. He allows himself to remain ignorant.

I’ll mention the 90 day rule for intimacy. You know some guys will definitely be tripped up by this but what about the ones that simply wait it out and still treat you like shit after

This, however, is a good point. Artificial "rules" for new relationships legitimately don't work, precisely because they're too obvious and clear. Red flags are more effective because the subject genuinely doesn't know, doesn't care, or underestimates what a red flag means to you until after they've already waved it.

ouishi · 2026-06-11T21:58:01+00:00

Bad guys always ignore the rules and hack the system. Should we tear up the laws because some people have found ways around them?

AutisticRats · 2026-06-11T16:30:23+00:00

Red flags don't simply mean flaws. One of my red flags is someone that won't reveal any flaws. Everyone has flaws, and those that try to hide them aren't the open communicators I am looking for. It shows insecurity which I would have been more accepting of in my younger years, but I am old enough that people near my age should have resolved most of their insecurities by now. If a person I date forgets to pay a parking ticket and has a late fee, I would see that as a flaw. I wouldn't see that as a red flag. If a person I date demands to talk to the manager of a restaurant because a steak is cooked improper, that is a red flag. If my date can't handle an improperly cooked steak, how can I expect them to give me grace when I do something less than perfect?

The 90 day rule for intimacy filters out some men that seek sex, but it leaves behind men that value connection more than intimacy. It also leaves behind desperate men whose best chance at sex is waiting out the 90 days. Not a perfect filter, but hopefully during the 90 days women can determine if the guy is worth having a relationship with. If nothing else it slows the dating process down enough that we don't let limerence blind us from seeing incompatibility.

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AggravatingFlow1178 · 2026-06-11T19:40:06+00:00

Red/Green flag is simply modern slang for things that have been discussed for decades, previously they would have just said things like "flaw" or something similar. People hiding their flaws has been around for as long as modern courting has been around. Red/Green flag discussion isn't that deep, it's not like these are super deep-cut revelations of their inner thinking, people will literally just say shit like "Ooo he's not good with kids? Red flag". They've been saying the same sentiment for decades even if the language was different.

Tha laundry list of green/red flags is so long that you could never realistically "cheat" at dating like you are implying. And it's different from person to person. Some people think being Republican is green flag, some people think the opposite.

Suddenfury · 2026-06-13T09:09:38+00:00

If you try to jump through every hoop you're going to burn yourself out. You realize it's a bad system, but people won't stop trying to find a structure or system to try and understand things. Much like a lot of men try to find conversational flowcharts for picking up women. Once you realize the system is bad, stop trying to cater to it or use it as a study guide as you call it, just smile and nod and disregard it entirely.

Academic-Ball-9606 · 2026-06-21T12:27:16+00:00

Dumb people do dumb things. People with terrible discernment skills shouldn't complain because they make bad choices. Its like the people who chose to try to save convicts and end up in prison or get themselves or their kids killed because they thought they'd be so special the person would change for them

Title	Discernment needs to be reworked.
Author	Automatic_Safety7029
Upvotes	1
Comments	58
Date	June 11, 2026 3:45 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1u32qhm/discernment_needs_to_be_reworked/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/discernment-needs-to-be-reworked.1582568 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582568

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