Don't experience matter at all in a relationship?

Zadacat · 2023-06-06T11:24:15+00:00

Can you link those statistics? Because last time I checked, it was about equal

MistyMaisel · 2023-06-06T16:25:38+00:00

I'm a girl and was a virgin until I was 27. My first and hopefully last sexual partner was a bit of a scamp who has slept with many more than one person and spent much of his early manhood chasing skirt. Would it be nice if we were exactly the same? I can't say exactly. Maybe. Maybe not. On some level, I think he probably got a lot of his retardation and desire to explore shit I would never have wanted to out with other women. Do I think if we'd met earlier, he would have been fine never trying that stuff? Probably. But who can be sure. I do also at times wish he'd been less of a rake. I do at times find we see sex very differently, although, I do have to say he's coming around to where I'm at more and more. It's possible to recognize multiple factors.

Do I wish I'd played the field and fucked more men now that I've had sex or settled on a man? Not really. I'm very happy with having waited for the right person to share all this with. Maybe once in awhile I'll wonder about what it's like with other people and if it's the same, but ultimately, I just know this is the dude I want and that our romantic life together is splendid. I honestly can't imagine anything better, just different and probably worse ultimately.

However, the most important factor to me has never been sex. I knew sex would be amazing if I was with a man who I loved, respected, admired, and enjoyed being around and what he was about more than anything and who prioritized my pleasure and joy.

No one is lying when they say sex makes up an important, but largely miniscule part of the relationship. You don't spend most of the hours and minutes of your relationship having sex. Most of the time, it's really just hanging out, going places together, doing the shopping, cooking, hobbies, and socializing. And it's much harder to find someone you want to spend almost all of your free hours with. So if you're lucky enough to find that person, the fact they're a virgin or a rake really isn't that big a deal, especially if you plan to spend forever together. After all, before long as a virgin, you'll have done a lot of fucking him, and he'll have done a lot of monogamy and commitment with you.

And even more so, people will always have had different pasts. People always focus on sexual pasts, but rarely anything else. My man has had a very different life than I have until we got together. Now we share a life, but prior to that, sure, there were commonalities, but over-all, we didn't exactly have the same life-history. The purpose of a relationship between two people is deciding that in the present and future, you'll have the same life history. Not trying to make the past align.

saraimarsena · 2023-06-06T11:51:37+00:00

well for one thing, the idea of the adult male virgin is vastly overblown here, probably because the space attracts disenfranchised and struggling men. the vast majority of men (at least in the US) are not virgins beyond age 22. only 8% of men aged 22+ report no female sexual partners since age 18.

as well as according to these stats, only 14% of adult men age 20-24 and only 4% of men age 25-29 are virgins.

even expanding what you’re saying from virginity to comparative experience levels in general, all stats i’ve read point to the average male having more partners than the average woman.

i’m also not sure about your claim that it’s mostly men lacking out. Data i’ve seen has shown that women have higher sexlessness rates than men, but sure, i’ve seen conflicting views on that as well.

at the end of the day, most people I think do end up with someone with similar levels of experience than them. and many women (myself included) specifically select against men who have significantly less experience than them.

the trope of the adult male struggling virgin marrying a high n count size queen in her 30s is a minority case.

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ChadChasingB · 2023-06-06T13:40:59+00:00

It depends on the person. I only dated other virgins for religious reasons and it was a requirement.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-06-06T12:16:26+00:00

Personally I have no issues with lack of experience I had sex with a virgin when I was last single in my early 30s

Former_Molasses_7073 · 2023-06-06T14:56:54+00:00

If a man reaches 30 without having sex naturally or going overseas to do it for pay, it means he's likely not that sexual of a person.

Pizzashillsmom · 2023-06-06T11:46:58+00:00

It is essentially someone just getting the dessert in life. No appetizer (teenage relationships), no main dish (early adulthood relationships), just the dessert (post 30 relationships).

And the dessert isn’t that good.

DerayRevan · 2023-06-06T11:54:37+00:00

I'm sorry but how can you remain a virgin that long ?

Reminds me of the jubilee video l watched weeks back when this 30yo virgin guy cried when a girl finally gave him a kiss

Rude_Macaron2021 · 2023-06-06T14:12:31+00:00

And there's always this "my husband was a 35 year old virgin when we met"-post to back it up.

The guy just probably lied to avoid drama with the woman and shut her up for good.

It is very rare for men that never had any experience in younger years to get a relationship later.

Active-Razzmatazz-86 · 2023-06-06T14:17:21+00:00

Sexually 90% women are far more experienced than men

Redditcritic6666 · 2023-06-06T15:06:56+00:00

Experience matters when both parties are trying to build a relationship. Couples needs to learn how to compromise, deal with issues like finances, family from the other side, friend groups, how to give each other spaces, etc.

"The 35 year old virgin" is a problem in society but not just because he didn't have sex, but because he doesn't know how to maintain a relationship or deal with the problems that comes with a relationship and navigate thru it, and the female expectation that the male has to lead in the relationship.

AlmostKindaGreat · 2023-06-06T16:21:13+00:00

An argument that I often see in discussion when it comes to RP and top tier men taking all the women is that it doesn't matter in the end because when you get older and people want to settle down it equals out.

Yes, I see this a lot. I believe it's true that most guys can eventually find an LTR later in life. So that's a real consolation.

But I also think they will are unequipped to be happy. Experience matters. Options matter.

Experience matters with figuring out how to navigate the most emotionally intense relationships in your life. You need to make some mistakes about how to act before you mature and develop capability of handling your partners emotions and your own in a way that is productive for sustaining a relationship.

For men, experience matters with sex. It's simply something women desire. Women don't usually demand an amazing lover. They mostly just want someone confident in bed who will make them feel safe, is skillful enough to keep the experience from being awkward, and can figure out how to please a new partner. It takes some time for men to learn and settle into bedroom dynamics and provide this for their lover(s).

Options matter for self-respect and boundaries. Men who go their whole lives with few or no romantic options will be acutely aware that they will be alone for a long time if they lose their new girlfriend. It's difficult to set and enforce boundaries in a relationship at this disadvantage. His best bet is to have this self-respect and enforce his boundaries anyway, but it is so difficult when facing the terror of being alone again. It sounds dramatic to paint it as this dire, but we feel the way we feel about losing an intimate partner and being alone.

So not everyone is going to have the same head start to experiencing happiness. Doesn't mean the 30 year old virgin can't find a great woman and live happily every after. It's just a lot more difficult.

What's the solution? No idea. I don't think there is one. We can't make women be genuinely attracted to more men. A lot more men could maximize their attractiveness and it would solve part of the problem. But mainstream advice is questionable at best and convincing lonely guys that anything can work is hard.

EugeneCezanne · 2023-06-06T18:07:19+00:00

Yes, experience matters. The more experienced version of you is often a better partner, unless of course your experience has been very traumatic. That said, some people are naturally better at relationships than others whether they've had one or not. So it's not the end-all-be-all or a reason to succumb to discouragement.

Also, "experience in what?" is an important question. If you're a Chad fuckboi, you're getting a lot of sexual and dating experience, but you aren't getting any in actually building meaningful relationships and being a good partner.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-06-07T07:38:11+00:00

In the US the percentage of men and women who are virgins in their thirties are almost equal (and a higher percentage of women than men once you get past age 35, but again, only by 1-2%).

Seeings this as 'depressing' isn't considering that some people are virgins by choice, in fact, if you are a virgin in your thirties a higher percentage of your demographic are virgins by choice compared to in ones twenties.

By retirement age in the US 98% of people are no longer virgins, and most of that 98% has sex by their 40s. More than 90% have had sex by 25 (pretty evenly split among the genders too). Again this is US though.

Don't people want to meet someone with similar experiences and references in life?

Some do, I never personally had a preference for 'someone with similar experiences and references' as long as we were otherwise compatible.

Isn't things like mental health, arrested development and porn addiction issues after a lifetime of loneliness?

Mental health issues are not resolved by sex. Maintaining mental health is nuanced, and it definitely does need some kind of human relationships, but for those benefits the relationships do not have to be sexual or romantic in nature (having a close relationship with a parent, a nephew, a mentor, a colleague can suffice). Porn is not recognized as an addiction by any health, mental health, or addiction authority. It's not that people can't overuse it, they can. And if they are neglecting eating, hygiene, work, or any other interests or interaction it's a problem. The reason it's not recognized by any credentialed or respected authority as an addiction is because it only a) affects less than 5% of the population and b) is usually resolved within a year or two by the person themselves without any special intervention from outside person or organization.

Isn't it bit too good to be true that everything just smoothly works out after all and everyone lives happily ever after?

Statistically it's inevitable unless you are a total shut-in, but as far as 'smoothly' nothing is ever smooth. Regular dating is not going to usually end in 'the one', it takes breakups and rejection and heartache to get there even for the most active dater. But it's still something that happens to almost everyone.

avi150 · 2023-06-09T08:51:05+00:00

I don’t want a woman with more experience than me, just because she would have…more experience than me, by a lot. Of course there are ways I won’t meet expectations from previous relationships, especially if those are unrealistic. Of course I won’t be as good a partner because of my less experience. And thus, of course she’ll leave me eventually because of my less experience. No thanks, if she’s had more relationships than me by a large margin I won’t be interested.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-06-07T09:23:04+00:00

I'm torn between my desire to take someone's virginity (bucket list) and my apprehension of their potential to make a huge deal out of everything. Back when I was 19 I was like okay, no more dating people with no relationship experience. They tend to be over the top at that age

Title	Don't experience matter at all in a relationship?
Author	MentalBend9446
Upvotes	14
Comments	79
Date	June 6, 2023 11:11 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/142cjf9/dont_experience_matter_at_all_in_a_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/dont-experience-matter-at-all-in-a-relationship.1221470 https://theredarchive.com/post/1221470

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