Bf wants to split finances “50/50”

CigarettesandAsh · 2022-05-19T01:11:51+00:00

This doesn't really get to the heart of the issue, but:

we go out to meals several times a week (4ish times) and usually go to nicer restaurants. Usually the bill is around $70+ between the two of us per meal.

Holy fuck. Issue of 'providing' aside, that is a lot of cash to be spending per month eating out.

Do you cook for him at all? A possible compromise is to begin replacing the meals you'd normally pay for with home cooked meals. That way you're putting in your share without the uncomfortableness around handling the cheque.

But if having a nicer dining experience that often is important to your boyfriend, and he's as excellent in all other respects as you say, then I think it's probably worth it to just go along with his request. The use of the word 'submit' in this circumstance doesn't jive with me. I'd say it's more 'picking your battles'. If you can genuinely afford it (and this means not drawing from your savings and still being able to save some of what you make each paycheque), then it seems silly to die on this hill, because paying 50/50 is a modern dating standard that isn't unreasonable.

LadySandcastle · 2022-05-19T00:51:30+00:00

Is the issue that you're embarrassed handling the bill when you go out to eat, because it looks bad to you? Or is it the entire 50/50 concept that hurts you? I don't really like handling the check when we go out either (my husband thinks the same so always pays the bill) but I did contribute in other ways. When I worked I gave him a set percent of my check to contribute to our shared finances and the percent was based off of our relative incomes.

Is there any way you'd feel comfortable to contribute? If it's a clash in principles you'll probably have to have a heart to heart and see if you can come to a compromise. I'd just be honest and kind in how you feel and let him lead from there.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-05-19T02:54:40+00:00

He does have an ex-wife and he’s shared that in that relationship he felt that it was very one-sided and felt like an ATM.

This is the root of the problem. He is still carrying around some psychological baggage from that relationship. It’s common for women as well; I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to say “I’m sorry your last boyfriend was mean to you,” to get the point across.

bf makes way more money than I do but wants me to pay for 50% of meals when we go out.

You two eat out a lot. If you decide to agree to contribute, you might propose doing so in proportion to your income. Thus if he makes 2x what you do, the he pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3. That way you are paying smth, but not taking as big a hit if all these meals out are becoming a financial burden.

Unusual_Elevator_253 · 2022-05-19T01:01:42+00:00

I think the fact that he brings up going out to eat and then expects you to pay is weird. If you make the plan or invite someone to eat then you pay.

Maybe tell him that going out to eat isn’t as important to you and you would rather just go out less then spend your money on dinners twice a week

Puzzleheaded_Hat2071 · 2022-05-19T16:57:30+00:00

I have a slightly different take on this:

It sounds to me like he might be feeling under appreciated or taken advantage of. Does he pay for 100% of things all the time? Have you ever bought him a luxurious gift or picked up an expensive tab? I can’t tell from your post the specifics of the conversation, but it might be enough for you to willingly, happily splurge on him once in a while. That does not take away from him being a good and generous provider - its just a way to show that you value him for more than just being able to be a provider.

On the other hand, if he is really looking for someone who is going to contribute 50/50 to finances, then I think your values are not aligned and neither of you will be happy in the long run. I would absolutely advise against drilling down into specifics with him of how the bill should be split, how often you should cover, etc. You’d be veering pretty far away from the relationship you want to have.

If you think it’s a matter of feeling more appreciated and not feeling taken advantage of, I would make a habit or splurging on him a bit with experiences (ex: buy some fun concert tickets for you two with really good seats, book an overnight getaway at luxury hotel, etc.) and then also splurge on his birthday and make him feel extra special. If you think he really is looking more for than that (50/50 split or other agreement), I would cut my losses - I would not be happy in a transactional relationship like that.

pm_me_old_maps · 2022-05-19T05:14:25+00:00

Other compromise: He pays for the restaurant meals, you pay for groceries equalling roughly the same amount, so it's certain to him that you aren't trying to rip him off ex wife style.

I like the suggestion of cooking at home more. That $70 bill is too big. And 4 times a week is too often. I would be embarrassed to pay that much even if I was a millionaire, there's just no justification for that kind of money being thrown away for food and drinks.

Involve him in the cooking process. Make him watch. Yadda yadda yadda sex life improves. Also health and nutrition.

Redlimetree · 2022-05-19T03:40:49+00:00

Sounds like he's not necessarily worried about spending the cash just more worried about feeling taken taken advantage of. I'd suggest just an open conversation to put his mind at ease.

I like the percentage of income suggestions mentioned in other comments. And possibly throw some budgeting in there if you aren't comfortable spending XYZ% of your income on dining out, with the expectation he too will drop his percentage to match yours. But if dining out makes you two happy and you can afford it it may be worth the cost to you two.

If he prefers the splitting bills 50/50 I guess you have to ask yourself if this is a value you agree on with a life partner. RP says being a financial provider and captain brings happiness to many males, and being the nurturer brings happiness to many females. The differences compliment each other and having people focus on less areas in life means they are more likely to succeed in those areas (aka a person who can focus almost entirely on their career will do better in their career then if they have to also split their time doing housework at a high standard, childcare, social networking). Both parties benefit.

I don't believe this is the only dynamic to happiness in a relationship, but IMO it seems like the simplest dynamic for many couples.

I'm sure you bring something more to the table then your salary, it doesn't even sound like finacially he needs your money away. You should be compensated for that in a way you desire. Nothing wrong with desiring a partner show you love by sharing his finacial wealth with you. But you should communicate that to him and make sure you figure out what he desires and try to meet it.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2022-05-24T04:52:04+00:00

He has explicitly stated that he wants this in his relationship because this is what ruined his ex wife and his relationship in his opinion. and you seem morally against it.

Given the reasoning behind this, do you think this behavior makes him excited about the idea of being with you? Why would he think you’re different than his ex wife after this interaction?

To me this sounds like a fundamental incompatibility.

Also why didn’t you suggest less restaurant dates? 4 nights a week spending $70 per meal sounds just exhausting. Who wants to go out to a restaurant every other day?

Any_Drama3272 · 2022-05-19T22:02:31+00:00

Uh, listen, I’m not a RPW, in fact I’m a very bitchy woman… but if you and your partner work for a living, and going out 4 nights a week, then yes you should pay half of them or not go.

Would you want to pay all of them? No. So why should he?

‘Because he makes the decisions in the relationship’… uh, then it’s your job to speak up that way but last I checked decision making does not have currency.

You are an adult. Put your big girl panties on and carry a relationship with equal responsibility like an adult.

It doesn’t matter if you ‘feel embarrassed’, right is right and wrong is wrong: coming up with excuses to freeload off someone else who is expressing they need you to contribute is still wrong, even if it embarrasses you.

If you do not have the money, and you cannot afford it, then you do not go out 4 times a week and you let him know that.

But if you can, you should. Financial equality doesn’t mean dangling a carrot in a stick to get what you want because someone wants to share.

abacabbmk · 2022-05-19T11:18:33+00:00

Do something else instead of going out to expensive restaurants every day.

Damnanita · 2022-05-19T04:10:15+00:00

Possible to suggest you make dinner some nights?

Exstntial-strawberry · 2022-05-19T18:49:13+00:00

Thank you everyone for your comments. They have been extremely helpful in informing me as to how I should move forward and helped change my perspective on the whole situation!

dadudenines · 2022-05-19T02:46:18+00:00

Way more money doesn't mean much. A guy even making $100k could get tired of paying >$800/month in outings (4 nights × $70 × 4 weeks). That is nearly 10% of gross pay at that point, not a small amount. Unless this dude is making way above that, the math says it is a lot.

Cut the outings down to Friday night and the weekend. Cook some amazing meals the other nights. Try to pick up the incidentals along the way, like snacks, maybe some entry fees, etc. to even things out.

Another thing I find odd with women who pursue high earning guys is they want a life style that essentially is just for them, leaving little room to add a marriage and kids: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BUA5AIi7Lc&t=287s

Iwillnotbegoverned · 2022-05-19T12:29:21+00:00

Like hell would I ever submit to anyone that makes me pay 50/50. If a man can’t hold up his end of the bargain and provide, then I won’t in any way consider him a leader and act feminine around him. If I have to pay for my own lifestyle then I will naturally be making all my own decisions and thus leading myself, the man in this instance becomes superfluous more than anything. More like a friend/roommate than a traditional relationship.

Starfleet_Auxiliary · 2022-05-19T08:49:48+00:00

If it's just a perception thing at the table, get a dedicated credit card for restaurants, see if maybe there is one that provides decent points for the purpose given the amount being done.

Send him half the amount of the credit card statement once a month.

marcelmarceau1972 · 2022-05-19T14:46:11+00:00

As others said, I think it's him being hurt of being taken advantage of.

I only write to share with you a twist on the "50/50" idea. What if 50/50 doesn't refer to splitting in half things but "adding" to other areas? A traditional example is "if you give a woman a house, she'll give you a home". I put 100% money, but she puts so much into it that I feel I could never financially pay for what my wife does and the happiness she brings.

You are probably the ONLY one that could help him heal. You can of course use the help of professionals (Doctors, Psychologists) but he has a wound and I think he needs someone he can trust as himself. He says 50/50 but he means 100/100.

Diamond-Breath · 2022-05-19T11:53:45+00:00

I think all the other suggestions here are great. But just to add:

I also felt embarrassed when I would get the bill at dinner. Even if the man I was with had no issues - it made me feel embarrassed to have the waiter see me paying. What id do is have my debit card in an easily accessible side pocket of my purse. I could discreetly pull it out and slip it in the cardholder with the check after the waiter walks away (they usually don’t wait for payment on the spot). I would then quickly scoot the cardholder to the mans side of the table so it appeared he was the one who paid. It was all very subtle, discreet, and quick. Maybe you could try that tactic to lessen embarrassment next time you pay?

pearlsandstilettos · 2022-05-21T04:06:00+00:00

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Left_Potential_7526 · 2022-06-17T08:16:31+00:00

Pass then. He wants his cake and to eat it too.

pearlsandstilettos · 2022-05-26T02:59:52+00:00

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herbalteaB · 2022-09-13T12:24:15+00:00

1) why do you feel ashamed when paying half of the bill?

2) tell him you would like to go to cheaper restaurants and not give such a huge percent for dinners. i think not being a money spender is a good quality.

3) it seems like he insists on going out almost every day, not you, so it is kind of his responsibility to pay the bill

Title	Bf wants to split finances “50/50”
Author	Exstntial-strawberry
Upvotes	17
Comments	55
Date	May 19, 2022 12:32 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/usr04a/bf_wants_to_split_finances_5050/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/bf-wants-to-split-finances-5050.1119419 https://theredarchive.com/post/1119419

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