Dating is so draining. Never get second dates.

Alphagreen_97 · 2024-08-28T22:15:23+00:00

Happened to me too. What I changed essentially was me not overusing advice I got. For example in order for her to familiarize with you, you need to build some physical touch. I overdid it.

Other than that it's a numbers game. Women get dozens and dozens of options. Approach more, date more.

BigShteve · 2024-08-28T22:21:23+00:00

I will preface this by saying that I’m no professional, but I realized that kissing girls at the end of the date wasn’t working for myself as well. If you can, try casually touching and eventually kissing sometime during the date. This makes them feel like they aren’t just forced to kiss you at the end of the date and can ultimately lead to more.

You could also reflect on maybe what could’ve been done better during the date. Maybe you weren’t actively listening to what they were saying or catching on to certain cues? Just simple things, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Yeah it sucks, but hey at least you’re getting these experiences! Most guys don’t even make it to the first date, so it’s a plus that you’re able to actively take women out.

Good luck brother, you’ll find a great girl soon!

RoundFriendship55 · 2024-08-28T22:57:06+00:00

rule #1 don’t ask for a second date when on the first date no matter if it’s going well or not. this puts pressure on the girl for an outcome. you will know if she wants a second date or not and she will chase you. relax have a good time without an expectation. enjoy the moment with her you are in and do not think about the future. men always want to protect and plan a head while women just want your full attention and emotion in the present. also be a little bit of a chase for her and don’t reach for physical affection too much. we all want to be touched (lmao) but don’t over do it. she’s supposed to fall into your presence and make it easy for you. don’t forget to hold your masculine frame and not you fall into hers. go for a kiss at the end of the night and maybe hand hold while walking that’s it. if she wants more you’ll know. be careful fully revealing your own interest level to her in the first few dates bc if you’re too certain it will also turn her off. be able to show a little indifference and don’t be completely sold on her too quickly. remember you are playing a game. it doesn’t matter to women the logical things you have on paper, good guy, nice car, funny, etc. all those things just get your foot in the door. what matters to her is how you make her feel and what you have internally. thats what is important to her. women can sense your loneliness/desperation and when you aren’t happy with yourself. take some time on yourself to work on those things before you get back out there. women want social proof and to see you living a happy and social life. she cannot fix your loneliness or be your whole world (nor does she want to). women are masterminds of the emotional world they can sense these things on you.

halfwayup37 · 2024-08-29T00:35:21+00:00

It’s so strange. I want exactly what you have got going.

I’ll go on 1 date, and the girl is obsessed. Then it turns into a 2 month or longer relationship. (Last one was 2 years).

I date down though.

I rarely kiss during a first date.. unless it’s a hook up and it’s clear she’s coming over..

Maybe making out with a total stranger isn’t their vibe and gets grossed out. Not saying you’re unattractive, it’s just that when you’re pushy it works the other way. Could be totally wrong

Wean1eHu11 · 2024-08-28T23:20:04+00:00

Sounds like you are thinking about it like a man, as if dating is a logical checklist of things to tick off and if you have them you are successful. Women respond to and communicate through feeling, they generally dont approach these things with the same kind of logical problem solving energy as men. They don’t care that you have the logical prerequisites like car, fitness etc (although they help), they care about how you make them feel.

Other than that, this is just what modern online dating is now. Investment is crazy low, so you’re investment honestly needs to be crazy low too otherwise you’ll just get burnt out

esimpstyle · 2024-08-28T22:10:03+00:00

Welcome to the club! The others seem to think the insane approach of continuing through this is a magic recipe /s. So good luck and prepare for some worthless “advice” ;)

-ESimp

Khower · 2024-08-28T23:44:14+00:00

If you're having issues with second dates you really need to look in the mirror and see what the issue is. Maybe ask some of these girls to give you feedback.

I will say not all but about 90-95% of my first dates end up with second dates

Tribestar95 · 2024-08-29T02:04:44+00:00

This used to be man and we’re the same age. The change I made was incorporating touch, showing intent, giving compliments and getting rid of logical bullshit talk. Keep it fun and lighthearted and about the two of you and flirt. I went from next to zero 2nd dates to lays by date 3 regularly now. I know it’s frustrating I’ve been there, it sucks and is beyond draining. You got this, if I can flip it around you sure as shit can

gusthesuperbrawler · 2024-08-28T22:27:01+00:00

Literally just what I’ve been down about myself. So of course hang in there cause there’s more guys than just you and me having the issue. Just had a great date with kissing last week and girl accepted second date and now ghosting.

Antifa-Slayer01 · 2024-08-28T23:10:15+00:00

How do you get first dates?

Comprehensive_Hawk14 · 2024-08-29T05:43:43+00:00

Hey man, the same thing happened to me on my last two dates, and I’m also 29. I had a good time on these dates, but they ended up ghosting me too, lol. At first, I beat myself up about it, thinking there might be something wrong with me (getting all dramatic, you know?). The girls I went out with were super introverted and “nerds”. they said they hardly ever go out or have many friends. Just like you, I thought the dates went well, but then I started wondering if maybe they didn’t feel the same way.

I also asked for a kiss at the end of the date—one said yes, and the other said not on the first date. They both said we’d have a second date, but then they ghosted me, lol. The only thing that maybe I messed up maybe I “talked” too much about myself, I don’t really remember, and I also mention if they want to go to my place at the end of the date.

What I’m trying to say is that sometimes it’s not us; it might just be that they’re not as into us as we thought. It’s tough, but you’re not alone in this. Don’t give up I’m sure you’ll find someone.

Dandys3107 · 2024-08-29T09:07:13+00:00

Well, for attractive girls there are infinite opportunties on dating apps. They can test all the fruit to check which is the best. If you have your life together and take good care about your body and mind, just change your lifestyle to meet women naturally, some of them will surely want to get into some serious relation.

Skarnor · 2024-08-28T22:45:53+00:00

Now girls on whole dating roster that wants to go out with you again? Even the ones you rejected?

Do you break the touch barriers with girls you don’t like?

Lifter3647 · 2024-08-29T04:10:58+00:00

Online dating is an absolute crapshoot because you often match with people you have no chemistry with. Cold approach is a better narrative for the girl.

I think you should stop settling for kiss closes and start pushing for f-closes. a kiss means nothing. many of these girls are looking to fuck and you are playing the beta nice guy game.

Exxtraa · 2024-08-29T09:42:11+00:00

I think the issue is modern dating. You can have a perfect date and unfortunately she’s already swiping on profiles whilst walking back home. It’s a force of habit. They have an illusion of abundance and will always be wondering what’s next.

I’ve come to realise dating is a pure numbers game when online. You just have to grind them out whilst remembering to have fun - eventually one will stick.

Ampboy97 · 2024-08-29T16:14:24+00:00

im also touch starved. Question though, how much do you usually spend on these first dates?

Amazing_Noise_5945 · 2024-08-29T17:51:50+00:00

i have the same issue. It sucks.

vegancrossfiter · 2024-08-29T18:15:33+00:00

I read about this sort of experience every week you are not alone its how it is

daddyvow · 2024-08-28T22:54:57+00:00

How are you meeting them? Online or irl?

Unknown295828389291 · 2024-08-29T06:39:45+00:00

Sorry bro, but your perception of your first dates must be wrong. If they had the same impression as you, they would happily go on a 2nd date.

Osiris_Raphious · 2024-08-29T10:03:50+00:00

Have you tried building a 'future'?

On the first date, dont just get to know each other, try to build something for the future, family, kids, house, what colour carpet should we get.

This can prime feelings of attachment for the longer road.

Dating casually, is all casual, Dating for relationship you need to dive deeper into what you want from your partner, and what they want, and what you can provide etc.

No second dates, because even if the first one was fun, it was shallow. There was nothing to build a foundation on. First date should build a foundation for the future if you want a relationship.

IF you just want to get laid, then its more physical and esczlation and flirting and being fun and playfull, but sexy and passionate.

There are cross overs, but in general if you arent getting dates, its because you didnt breach her space, you didnt wow her with your intent on being serious, you didnt give her something to consider investing in.

Fun good looking guys are everywhere, a connection and interpersonal kinship isnt... develop the latter.

ElbowControlHC · 2024-08-29T10:41:30+00:00

This is a problem I had as well too, except I met girls from cold-approaching. I ended up going on 6 dates all up, none of them resulted in second dates. I got ghosted by all the girls.

I went out day gaming 2-4 times a week, for 3-4 hours each time. I'd get about 10 approaches done on each occasion, and would often get anywhere between 0-3 numbers each time.

It wasn't until going out consistently for 8 months, was I able to get a girl to come out on a 2nd date with me, then a 3rd, and then a LTR.

Like what others have said, the best way to resolve your problem is to play the numbers game.

The fact you are also getting dates through OLD, tells me you are a decent looking guy.

creativedave73 · 2024-08-29T11:47:09+00:00

You stated you feel lonely and miss the intimacy. Could you be coming off as needy? How much texting is happening before and after the dates?

I would look at your desire for companionship and intimacy and see how that is affecting your behavior on dates. Maybe go into a date not focused on seeking companionship or intimacy, but on deciding if you like her and how she would fit into your life?

TheHouseSomalian · 2024-08-29T15:09:12+00:00

I know exactly what the problem is, but you may resist implementing the solution, sadly, believing that you can’t help yourself and you don’t want to play games, etc.

Let me break it down for you. I believe you may be coming at dating from the frame of “I must get her interested, build attraction and achieve some outcome I desire (get her in bed, get a second date, make her my gf, etc.).

While this may sound good in a business situation or a sales negotiation, it doesn’t work like this in man to woman interactions. Women love chasing men and they want someone who they believe is someone they can’t get. It’s the human condition, there is no point in resisting this truth. Just accept it that it’s the way it is and be at peace with it. Women want what they can’t get (and so do you, otherwise you wouldn’t be so upset that girls ghosted you after a date).

So where is the problem? The problem is that when you come from the perspective of you having to get her interested, build her attraction, make things happen, kiss her, touch her, etc, you are actually making yourself easy to get. You are trying to “get” her, which makes YOU easy to get. Understand?

It’s like this saying: women go on a date hoping to like the guy, guys go on a date hoping the woman will like him.

Think about what this describes! It implies that the woman knows the guy is interested so she doesn’t even worry about getting him attracted. She is only worried about whether the guy is good enough for her. On the other hand, the saying implies the man doesn’t believe the woman is already attracted, so he has to worry about getting her interested.

It’s exactly the above mentality that actually gets you in trouble. It forces you to try too hard, it forces you to care about the outcome, to be too pushy and needy without even realizing it. You are chasing the woman, she knows, and that makes her reject you. There is nothing for her to pursue. There is nothing for her to work hard for. You are doing all the work and you are making it easy for her, which is boring and unexciting.

So here is the solution. You have to take a step back and first figure out what you want in a woman, what you don’t want, what you can tolerate and what you won’t tolerate. You need to be very specific and focus not only on looks of course, but on her behavior, values, qualities, etc. You also have to commit to these criteria and disqualify women who don’t meet them.

After all; that’s what women do with us. Their attitude when dating is “is this guy worthy of my time and attention, what does he bring to the table?” And if he doesn’t meet some criteria, it ends up in rejection. But that’s only because men approach women with the frame of mind of “I will audition to be your provider, so please tell me what hoops I need to jump through to get you to like me”.

Instead, once you have your list of criteria to screen women for, how you can go on a date assuming she’s already interested, but not being sure if you are interested and want to sleep with her or see her again. You meet these girls online and say that you are already imagining them as a future girlfriend. Based on what? Cause they have a nice rack or a cute face? You are TOO EASILY WON OVER!

Develop your criteria to qualify and go on dates unsure of you like the girl and use the time to screen and qualify her. Don’t try to prove yourself, get her to prove herself to you. That’s how you get women to chase you. Stop trying to touch them and make out and make things happen. Let her touch you first before you touch her. Build the anticipation for the kiss, instead of doing it right away and making it boring. The more you leave a woman wanting, the more she will want you. Don’t give everything up front so soon. Be reserved and keep pulling back until she falls for you.

Shadow__Account · 2024-08-29T16:19:36+00:00

Do you connect on a date, or is it all just fun and game? If not, share some personal stuff, listen to the girl ask her about things etc

SuperPoop · 2024-08-29T17:39:18+00:00

I would guess just by your short little blurb.... that you make yourself too available for girls that you like. ie come off as desperate.

Here's my advice.... I went out on a date with an 8/10, had a really good time, and as we're walking away smiling from each other... in her mind, there was no question we'd have a second date... she screams at me, "are we going to hang out again?"... every fiber in my being wanted to say "of course!"... but i just shrugged and smiled and said, "we'll see".

IMO, this would be the strongest thing for you to do. You're a busy, fun, guy. cat string theory. people want what they cant have.

ohcontrary · 2024-08-29T19:42:32+00:00

I think it is difficult online dating. I can't see much commitment coming from these sites and they create the environment of the grass is always greener. You would have to be perfect every time to win, so to speak. It's unhealthy, but I tell you trying to find someone not on those sites is also difficult. Best of luck hope you find your unicorn.

Neat_Monster914 · 2024-08-29T23:06:15+00:00

You got dates at all?

2_brainz · 2024-08-30T02:51:05+00:00

Dude, same problem. Tons of quality connections, tons of first dates, but very few second dates. I think it’s a matter of practice, honestly. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I just started dating in a new city and I’m 3/12 for second dates (3 of them I chose not to pursue so maybe more like 3/9). Not to suck my own dick but I’m a good looking guy with a lot to offer.

I think the market is just saturated and a lot of women are already juggling multiple guys and have no room in their schedule for another one.

Impossible-Memory732 · 2024-08-30T18:23:42+00:00

You are not attractive in what you say and do on the date

Pyroftw3 · 2024-09-03T05:03:34+00:00

Imo, try not kissing until you at the place of sex, try to kino and invite to your place, start kissing when you at your place

silk_1233 · 2024-08-28T23:22:35+00:00

Ask her at the end of the date "on a scale of 1 to 10 how good a hugger are you?" They always say 10 ..... hug, and say "that is like a 7 tops.... before i see you again, i want you to practice hugging."

At the start of date 2 while you are walking in public out on the street, ask her if she practiced. Get another hug, and while you are holding her, ask her how good a kisser she is. Kiss her then and there. Say 10, and then make out at the wnd of the date.

1PettyPettyPrincess · 2024-08-28T23:22:50+00:00

First, you’re talking about traits that your personal traits that you see as positive but you didn’t mention how the dates actually go. Theres a joke/meme that women tell to each other that goes something like this:

”Wow! That date was great! I can’t wait to see her again” -every man who just spent an entire date only talking about himself and his interests

How did the conversation go? Did you show any interest getting to know her at all?

Second, see if not kissing them on the first date helps. It’s pretty forward to kiss a stranger on the lips (at least in my country). And what do you mean by “reciprocated”? Do you mean that they don’t put their hand up and say “NO”? Because that’s not necessarily reciprocation. In this context, acquiescence ≠ reciprocation.

Third, don’t ask them out on a second date during the first date. Maybe hint that you hope to see them again, but don’t flat out ask right during the date.

(Also, women generally don’t care about nice cars in the way that you think we do. We generally care that you don’t have an absolute shit car that makes us wonder whether it is street legal. Actually, super “nice” cars can actually be more of a detriment than a boost.)

TripleDigitNomad · 2024-08-28T23:59:06+00:00

Start inviting them over to yours at the end of the first dates

Downtowndex72 · 2024-08-29T02:07:48+00:00

Funny how, I mean funny like you're a clown? You amuse them?

I say this jokingly but there is a deeper message in my comment if you think about it.

Goes_Down_on_Women · 2024-08-29T07:02:30+00:00

Online dating is for fucking. If you want to see them again you should fuck them on the first date or you probably won't see them again if they are same status as you or a bit below. It's pretty much that simple 90% of the time. Also if the first date is a real date (the kind of date you would plan for a woman you met irl or through social circle) it's a good indicator you don't value your time or self that much. Just take her for a walk or something and do the due diligence of trying to filter her out (for being too crazy or any other huge red flags)

Apps really aren't for everyone and the women that use them tend to be insane in both a good and bad way. This doesn't mean apps don't turn into relationships or fuck buddys but if you're a more traditional guy you should just meet women irl unless you are okay with going on multiple dates with slampigs (as you can see by the amount of men claiming traditional success admitting they lower their standards on apps). Do you know how tired attractive women are of "getting coffee" with boring passive and tryhard men?

Bln-Bln · 2024-08-29T12:17:35+00:00

You prob a weirdo

Title	Dating is so draining. Never get second dates.
Author	SpecialistCar1183
Upvotes	114
Comments	123
Date	August 28, 2024 10:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1f3lxuu/dating_is_so_draining_never_get_second_dates/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/dating-is-so-draining-never-get-second-dates.1528702 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528702

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