Is it a bad idea to just be yourself?

PickleInTheSun · 2024-01-26T16:23:52+00:00

It depends. And you gotta be honest with yourself. Are you that available because you’re actually, naturally like that, or are you convincing yourself of that?

I see where people are coming from with being tactical about replies and scheduling to not look desperate, but I have somewhat of an unpopular opinion that someone who doesn’t play games is refreshing and very rare in this day and age.

A good litmus test to be honest with yourself is by asking yourself, “am I that responsive and available to my guy friends that are just homies?” If the answer is yes, I would say to keep doing what you do and eventually you’ll find women that like you for that. If the answer is no, well, don’t be so damn clingy.

The other answer is, you might just be way too available if you’re able to text and hang out at anyone’s beck and call. Keep yourself occupied with your own interest, hobbies, and goals.

RestingBitchFace_1 · 2024-01-26T18:17:44+00:00

It's a fantastic idea, that if you are charismatic already.

The honest answer is, nobody wants a fedora wearing greasy nerd. If you are that, you will need to change.

Other than that, being yourself will make you sound less robotic and therefore more relatable.

I myself have discovered that authentic me is way more attractive than whatever the fuck I thought was cool at the time.

I don't go for the 'mysterious cool alpha male' vibe because it makes me f cringe.

I just act like myself but add certain bits for seduction like flirting.

What I mean is, I am normally very jokey, relatable, easy going and very approachable.

I use this to my advantage by making women feel at ease and break the ice by making them talk and talk and cracking jokes, which I am very confident aren't all funny but still get them laughing because of the way I conditioned them to. Once this is done, I start to introduce flirting and purposeful eye contact to the equation.

These moments of silence are very impactful because they send very strong signals that what you are doing is important since you have changed your attitude from talkative and jokey to quite and dreamy.

Also, kino is way easier because it wouldn't be out of character for a goofy person to hesitate a bit when going for kino or a kiss. If you are playing it cool, you would need to keep that facade for the whole act.

To me at least, being soft while staying masculine with purposeful touches, flirtation and silence control, you have better odds since you are banking on human nature to find friendly people more enjoyable to be around and therefore you get access to her and become able to go to the next level later on.

Atriev · 2024-01-26T19:13:22+00:00

“Be yourself.” Is good if you are gaming true to yourself. What I mean is: if you feel something in your soul, you should probably say/do it because that is your reality. It is true to you. It is therefore congruent to you so you’ll do/say that thing with rizz.

However, “be yourself,” is bastardized advice because people use it to justify staying obese, lazy, or dumb. I prefer the advice: “be your best self.” You are still being you, but you are striving to always improve.

It is a wonderful idea to be yourself when you game because girls can sense when you’re being disingenuous.

pitterpatter-96 · 2024-01-26T16:25:26+00:00

Read models by mark Manson. Take your time to do other shit. Don’t be at their beck and call. Get some hobby’s, get involved in things you enjoy, get busy. If you’re always available they don’t like that.

Also never double text unless you’re confirming plans you have for the next day. Most of the time double and triple texting will kill it right then and there.

Kill the neediness, focus on what you’re doing and yourself

Zealousideal_Pay_592 · 2024-01-26T16:30:37+00:00

Yes you should be yourself, if not then its not meant for you. Women that don’t like communication are probably looking get attention/ validation from someone that is withholding it from them because they are seeking approval the may have not gotten from a distant/ avoidant parent or previous partner threat made them feel they were not enough. You should look within to see if you have any of these validation issues from a emotionally distant/absent mother figure. If you figure out you do you can seek therapy, internal alchemy or psychedelics to help you become self aware.

DaygameCode · 2024-01-26T18:00:28+00:00

Depends on how much success you want.

If you want to maximise success you can’t be yourself unless you are the type of guy who is naturally good with women and thus does everything right.

If you have been yourself your entire life and you are still a virgin or have barely had any good experiences with attracting and dating women, then you can’t be yourself, you need to evolve and become a better version of yourself.

bennettca3 · 2024-01-26T17:42:05+00:00

I used to think like you but then I was alone. I grew up and grew a dick and it became big and hard. Once it became hard I realized that woman are not like us men. As we want a woman to be needy they don’t like it. We want a woman to always be available they don’t like it. Never leave a woman without a message after a day but rarely do you want to text right after she text you unless you’re in a conversation. Or you have slept with her. Stop thinking like a man be a man.

RoosterDatingdotcom · 2024-01-26T16:48:21+00:00

You should be yourself and not overthink everything.

But there's still a little strategy that's always smart (which virtually all women do as well).

This is the basic stuff like not acting super clingy/needy.

This behaviour is not really you as a person. Your body is filled with a ton of emotions and hormones making you feel a certain way. Unless you have enough experience to control its impact, it's going to heavily dictate what you do.

If you do have a ton of experience with dating and hooking up and still want to act a certain way, then go for it. Just don't assume who you are is set in stone as we all can change rapidly at a young age (which I assume you are?)

nordik1 · 2024-01-26T18:51:15+00:00

Yeah it’s a bad idea because you’re dealing with human nature, and humans typically only value what doesn’t come easy. If something is readily available, we usually take it for granted unless we lose it or there’s a threat of losing it.

So there can be some nuance there, but in general, you risk being around too much because of the way the human mind works. This is also why marriage is hard af given enough time together

UnhappyPitch2523 · 2024-01-26T19:00:38+00:00

If you’re asking that question, likely yes

ManFromEire · 2024-01-26T21:04:59+00:00

Who is yourself exactly.? There is no such thing. Add the fact is you are a different person to every person you know. If you go and get a degree you aren't yourself you are an updated version of yourself. Be yourself but keep upgrading yourself everyday.

Demosama · 2024-01-27T03:29:19+00:00

Most people are superficial. You don’t need to be fundamentally different to appeal to them. You just have to act the part, for however long your objectives may dictate.

Rabbit-Punch · 2024-01-27T05:26:29+00:00

Being yourself IS the best advice. However it’s often misused as “myself is some sad loser and people should like the real me”. The process is finding yourself, as in finding what feels right.

TonyDCoaching · 2024-01-26T17:23:21+00:00

Just be yourself is the worst advice in the dating industry. That's because if you're here, chances are yourself is supplicating, needy, jealous, insecure, inexperienced, and boring at conversation. Study courses, get a coach, approach a thousand women, learn female attraction psychology, hit the gym, dress better, absorb 200 self help books to change your mindset, learn a new skill like bartending or guitar. Etc...

Then when you're awesome... be yourself.

thiswontlastlongv · 2024-01-26T18:19:00+00:00

If you wanna get laid, yes. If you want a relationship, no

AceOfSpadesGymBro4 · 2024-01-26T17:27:57+00:00

That's just the story you have been telling yourself your entire life. "I'm just a needy guy, I'm just a shy guy, women don't like guys like me". That's your story and your story is your reality.

For the record, no. I don't think it's a bad idea to be yourself. That's what we want. But you are making the assumption that being clingy is who you really are. You are not. It's just a persona you have been identifying with because you are not willing to face the big fear. The fear of being alone.

See neediness comes from the belief that you cannot be happy and fulfilled without love, attention, validation from women, etc. The inverse of that belief is that if you don't have a woman in your life, you are bound to be miserable and lonely.

What being alone is a fate worse than death, what do you think will happen? That's right! You will be afraid of being alone and you will do everything in your power to avoid it. So you will cling on to any attention a woman gives you. You will always be available just in case a woman texts you. You will never be too busy to go cross town and see her. You will always have the time to send multiple messages because you want to talk to her as much as possible. Because not talking to her means that she is not in you and that terrifies the shit out of you.

So no, I don't believe being clingy is who you truly are. It's behavior driven by fear. You will never have true success with women until you overcome the fear of being alone. You will never have true success until you are willing to give up women and get busy with your life and live to the fullest even if you don't have one in your life.

Every time I've gotten actively busy with life and started enjoying every single minute of it and stopped waiting around for some woman to figure out how great of a guy I really am and how wrong she has been to ignore me, I've had women come out of the woodwork showing interest. When I'm not interested in them, they are interested in me. When I'm desperate for a date or for some girl to like me, they avoid me like the plague. I'm invisible.

Your decision my man. Are you going to continue living in fear or will you confront it?

stick_it_in_your_bum · 2024-01-26T19:40:47+00:00

Pretending to be someone else to get results is only good for temporary fun. You want to be the best version of yourself and nurture your authenticity if you want to find something real. Finding purpose will help you be non-needy.

mcchigguns · 2024-01-26T18:49:23+00:00

"Being yourself" means different things to different people. Maybe you act differently around hot girls than you do around your friends, maybe that "self" is the one. Maybe the one that secretly goes to do things, or whatever.

Any "self" can be attractive as long as it's a self certainty about its desires, what it's about, etc. If you want to be attractive to women, pick your favorite self first. Whatever self esteem issues that self has, work on them. The more certain you are about your values and the qualities that make up your self, the less you'll feel dependent on external circumstances to fulfill those values.

In my opinion, keep approaching and pay attention to what you like about what you do and say in certain situations regardless of the outcome. It's better to enjoy 100 approaches and 1 lay than 100 approaches and 10 lays where you had to force yourself and lie. The act of lieing itself will build a shadow that will make it harder and harder over time.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2024-01-26T19:01:35+00:00

Its sounds like you have some attachment issues that you need work on if you are clingy. You are better off learning how to relate to people in a secured way and look into the experiences and beliefs behind your insecure attachment.

Delicious_Ad_1853 · 2024-01-26T19:08:15+00:00

Be the best version of yourself. If you love going to football games and living in the town you're in, by all means, stay put and keep renewing your season tickets.

But you also want to grow as a person, right? So if you're a bad storyteller and you'd like to get better at that, put in the work and make that change! If you've got a bad temper or battle depression or whatever, put in the work to improve your mental health. And if you're overly available to any women who gives you the slightest bit of attention because you've never had a healthy dating life and you're afraid you'll die alone... well, ya know... you'll be better off in the long run if you find a healthier approach to communicating with women, so... work towards that.

HeatDroid · 2024-01-26T19:33:25+00:00

Let’s make a distinction

I’m somewhat like you, I like people, like spending time with them, mostly reply to everyone and never take that long and I like showing affection

But sometimes I’m just busy, sometimes I may reject a call or a leave text unanswered for like 2 days, not because I’m making myself unavailable or anything but simply because I am that way and maybe shit got in the way, or if a friend texts me I may not RUN TO ANSWER THEM on the spot

But I recognize when I really like someone and I do act very attentive and affectionate, kinda clingy, just like you mentioned, not in a creepy way but in a “I like and I show it” kinda way

Paradoxically I am NOT acting like myself there

My normal self doesn’t stop working to reply a friend, or changes their day plans because a friend just happened to have time for me, their plan B (after ignoring me all week)

So my recommendation is, “match their energy”

Literally just that, if their energy is so low and unresponsive that you two are texting every 5 days then maybe there’s not much for you there lol

PuzzleheadedPound712 · 2024-01-26T21:37:38+00:00

Depends on what you want? You wanna lie just to get someone in bed? Or do you want a long term relationship?

tonyferguson2021 · 2024-01-26T22:19:01+00:00

many people who aren’t in healthy relationships are doing the anxious / avoidant attachment dance, one person craves more contact and connection and the other one naturally wants space or to pull away more.

You change the behaviours that are driven by fears or insecurities, you have to work out which of your behaviours are useful!

razama · 2024-01-26T22:58:14+00:00

"Yourself" might just be codependent, in which case you should make some changes. You said a lot of "I like [this][and][that]" which is fine, but it's external happiness outside yourself, which is likely showing codependency.

If you're not busy, you better have already accomplished and helped out with the things that line up with your values, otherwise, you are being clingy and justifying it by saying you naturally feel clingy and someone will like that about you.

They won't. It is draining and unsustainable.

papawazarollingstone · 2024-01-26T23:33:50+00:00

You should change yourself to the extent you're comfortable with. Just understand some of the clingy/needy tendencies you listed above could very well turn a lot of women off. You don't have to change who you are if you don't want to, but don't be in denial about the results.

Take my advice with a grain of salt because I'm the exact opposite of what you described. I've found that being more laid back has yielded better results.

Badguy60 · 2024-01-26T23:45:43+00:00

The way I see it is

Keep your core beliefs and standards but realize some shit just works better than others and you can chose to absorb this into your current personality/life while balancing out who you are

AnthonyPillarella · 2024-01-27T00:05:32+00:00

Oh, we're really similar. You don't need to change yourself.

It can make really casual relationships tougher, but helps deep ones develop really beautifully.

Since it can come off as needy, presentation matters. Not in the sense that you have to do anything special, but double check messages from time to time to make sure they don't read needy.

I used to hate being this way when I was more pickup focused, but I wouldn't trade it.

I'd be happy to talk more if you want or have questions.

The best advice I can give is to be

Sylvan_Sam · 2024-01-27T00:18:05+00:00

The root of the problem here is that you actually are needy. Stop. Take a few months off from dating to work on yourself. Get hobbies. Accomplish something not related to dating. Earn your confidence. When you're ready you won't need to ask this question.

KumaFGC · 2024-01-27T02:24:07+00:00

If yourself is gay af then yeah

CharmingRejector · 2024-01-27T02:39:33+00:00

The general advice is, don't try to be someone you're not.

Being clingy is also generally seen as a bad trait, so I'd work on removing that.

Being close to or intimate with someone is not the same as being clingy. Work on distinguishing the two. And work on how to become outcome dependent.

g59fieroboi · 2024-01-27T03:29:59+00:00

You should be yourself, as long as you are not mentally fucked. If you have to pretend to be someone you’re not for approval, you’re only going to hate yourself more.

DependentAd1504 · 2024-01-27T04:03:02+00:00

The answer is easy: If you want to build a healthy relationship with good woman then you being your above said self is the best way to go. Because anyone who doesn't like this approach for dating isn't looking for anything serious nor long term.

However, If you want casual dating and getting laid , physical experience(here the women we are talking about are 8,9,10 in terms of appearance)then your above approach of being yourself most likely won't work. (However if it works most of the time then that's the best way).

KingKekJr · 2024-01-27T05:14:29+00:00

Sure, be yourself. But be in full awareness that when you are just being yourself that it's not going to be for everyone. Some people are simply not going to like who you are especially if you're more on the clingy side so you better understand that quickly and not take it too hard and move on quickly

Happyseducer · 2024-01-27T09:21:18+00:00

If you really think about it "be yourself" is basically a bullshit term. It does not really mean anything.

A very old school dating book talked about this and had great points.

If you are in a job interview and the woman interviewing you is hot are you "not being yourself" if you do not hit on her?

If you are in church and need to burp are you "not being yourself" if you are discreet and don't just belch over the sermon?

As human's we have a prefrontal cortex and were never meant to simply act on our emotions at all times in social context's the prefrontal cortex literally evolved so we could socially calibrate.

Additionally you texting a lot and things like that - you may text totally differently if you had 20 girls texting you all day. So it is flexible.

Recommendation: do what works, but that does not mean you have to lie. So be honest about your life etc. but present it in a way that is effective. Using your conscious brain is also "being yourself" in reality.

Shadow__Account · 2024-01-27T10:07:01+00:00

The challenge is to recognize the difference between being yourself and just being lazy and acting like your issues exposing themselves is being yourself. You’ll need to do some soul searching on this clingyness and quite likely you’ll find an underlying issue eventually. Ofcourse dont change it if it was really you, but I doubt it.

DDDurty · 2024-01-27T13:30:30+00:00

Remember the 15/70/15 rule. Where do you fall on the spectrum? Are you in either of the 15% columns, then being yourself will require finding settings involving your "tribe", if in the 70% you're probably good to go.

If looking for a serious relationship, yes. You want someone who accepts YOU, not the mask you wore to attract them. No one can keep the mask on forever and you really want someone who can look at all of you and accept the authentic you, good, bad, and odd/quirky/kinky if such is the case.

If just trying to hook up and experiment, try it and see how it goes, and if it doesn't...get in character. You're just out there having fun.

Spiritual-Smoke-9498 · 2024-01-27T14:20:34+00:00

Being yourself > Seduction.

Seduction does not work.

Seduction…. Does… not… work.

First of all, the dumbest, most unworthy girl, even she has a sixth sense that you’re not being real and yourself. Even her! That dumb ugly bitch feels your lack of sincerity.

Even when it works, you got marvellous tricks, scripts, coaching, everything; you are a master seducer, you bring her to your bed, you make her your girlfriend…. What are you gonna do in two years, when there’s no script, when you wake up not feeling like seducing, you gonna be yourself then? You will inevitably be yourself at some point, what is she gonna say then? She fell in love with a seducer, and you’re not, and now you gotta make a blow for your freedom, well she now has the right to dump you, because you duped her.

Seduction works because doing something works, everything works better than jerking off in the basement.

All the girls Ive had that lasted long time, I would have had them seducing or not.

Listen, some people in life won’t like you, and by being yourself, there’s even MORE people that won’t like you. But there’s also people that will love you for you and what you showcase of you.

If you wanna be liked by everyone, which you can’t, but you certainly can be liked by more people, and the way to do that is to be a chameleon.

All these dumbass redditors, they don’t have the life they wish for. You’re a nerd? I promise you there’s a girl somewhere that likes nerdy boys.

And even self help and improving, you gotta be urself to improve. Otherwise what are you improving?

You’re clingy, talk about it. Tell her, hey listen, Im a guy that wants to see you everyday otherwise I’m not interested…. Because everything else will hurt both of you so much. You think you can handle an independent girl that wants to see you once a week or a month? You will be starving. She will break your trust. But the thing is, she didn’t mean to break your trust, this is just the amount of time she feels ok with. She only breaks ur trust if she agreed to see you everyday and now isnt. So then she breaks ur trust, and now you act nasty, and now you lose her… yet there’s a girl somewhere that only wants a boy she can see everyday otherwise she’s not comfy.

Kagenikakushiteru · 2024-01-27T16:56:42+00:00

I tend to respond pretty quickly and just slept with 3 new cute 20 something year olds. Seriously if they can’t be bothered to text me back they’re waste of my time anyway

CreativeEngineer689 · 2024-01-27T21:11:43+00:00

No. But, just as a bull rider must adapt and learn to avoid being trampled, so too must one learn from the rough-and-tumble experiences of dating. The process is not dissimilar – it involves facing challenges head-on, sometimes getting 'kicked around', and using those experiences to improve one's approach.

IHeartFaye · 2024-01-27T21:20:39+00:00

I mean, who the fuck else would you be?

If you don't like who you are, then change it.

If you don't like yourself for who you are because you care about what other random people think, then stop giving a fuck about what other random people think.

fantasybookfanyn · 2024-01-28T06:08:26+00:00

Research anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. Maybe you're a stable person, but it may help you understand your potential partners better

KarmicPlaneswalker · 2024-01-29T14:01:51+00:00

You're not needy. You just appreciate quality time with the people you care about. Nothing wrong with that.

Title	Is it a bad idea to just be yourself?
Author	Darl26061209
Upvotes	119
Comments	58
Date	January 26, 2024 4:09 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1ablvjz/is_it_a_bad_idea_to_just_be_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/is-it-a-bad-idea-to-just-be-yourself.1427969 https://theredarchive.com/post/1427969

Comments