Lessons learned from 1st game-driven relationship

Hi Seddit, I've been lurking for a couple of weeks now and finally decided to register and contribute.

Recently I had a breakup with a solid HB8, who I'll call Alice--the first woman I ever got through game, and the first relationship I've been in since learning about game. It was passionate but short-lived, but I wanted to share with you what I learned from it.

Know what to watch for (success #1)

A friend of mine invited me to a happy hour. Alice was there, and I showed up tired, having spent my weekend watching half of season 4 and all of season 5 of the Wire. The character Marlo had gotten into my head, and I was inadvertently using his mannerisms. I was reclined, hands in my pockets, saying very little, just listening and only contributing to conversation when I really had something to say. Because I had read Mystery's book, I was able to read her IOI's. I told her I was learning Latin dances, which gave her an excuse to ask for my number so we could meet up to Salsa, or, as she added, "just to hang out." On the way out the door, I said "I'll see you around," intentionally not asking for her number, and making her stop me and say "wait-!" I practiced my Latin dance moves for another week and half before calling her. I was truly in the right frame of mind about her: she could have me on my time, on my terms.

Not being on Facebook=DHV (success #2)

As we parted that first night she asked if I was on Facebook. I said "no, I have no use for it." She looked taken aback. Later I found out she admired this and saw it as a mark of my independence. I told her that was good, because I didn't care for people who disapproved of my decision to be off the grid. This is a great platform from which to qualify/disqualify a woman too.

Make her wait (mistake #1)

We connected on the first date and kissed. The second date we made out like high schoolers and her shirt came off. The third date we had sex. This was in the span of 4 days. Within 10 days of that, we were exclusive. I was smitten by her and she wanted me as a boyfriend, so this didn't seem like an issue. But what I realized in the weeks to ensue was that committing to quickly was a big DLV. I should have made her demand to know if I was her boyfriend, but I probably came off as eager. Also, the rapid timeframe didn't allow enough time for me to qualify her and demonstrate the case for my interest in her. The dynamic of the relationship changed after committing. She became more demanding and I became less independent. We acted entitled to each other and our expectations were too high.

Don't get complacent (mistake #2)

As I became more devoted to her, I stopped running game altogether. I shared things I shouldn't have. I stopped being mysterious and stopped thinking about how my words and actions would influence her attraction towards me. I became a completely open book, went with the flow of whatever she wanted, and I never pursued my own interests and social relationships at the expense of my nascent relationship with her.

Avoid serious conversations (mistake #3)

Alice wanted to know what the future held for us. I might be leaving the country for two years this summer. Our conversations about the future came way too soon, and also gave me ample opportunities to shoot myself in the foot by sharing my reservations about monogamy and marriage. Instead I barrelled head on into these minefields, killing attraction, supplanting what could have been fun times with heavy conversation, and making her question our long term compatibility.

Be measured in expressing your affection (mistake #4)

Naturally a hopeless romantic and beta male, I told her everything I felt about her. It would have been fine had I been more measured about it, or maybe teased her sometimes about how I just wasn't quite sure about her. Today I read an article someone posted here on this topic. A social psychologist who I have read before did a study showing that women are more attracted to men who are ambivalent about their feelings. When I vocalized my feelings for her, I made her heart skip beats--but at the cost of taking her off of her toes a little too much.

Remember the testing never stops (mistake #5)

She would talk about men she had met or hung out with in the past who were rich and "gorgeous" and throw other tests at me. These were great opportunities to show her I didn't give a damn about her preferences in men, or what other men had that I didn't. But I do give a damn and sometimes I'd let on. I would say that I was scoring a C or C- on the whole. I only realized near the end that what I thought was her being crappy at conversation was actually her testing my confidence.

Don't compromise yourself (mistake #6)

We split a bottle of wine on our first date. I hadn't drank for more than a month, and was working out 6 times a week and eating impeccably well. Over the two months to follow, I would gradually start drinking more and more with her, eating rich meals, and making it to the gym less and less. She was hot but didn't ever work out, she drank much more than me, she smoked, and was altogether not committed to physical self-improvement the way I was. But I let her habits influence me, and only now am I finally getting back to my old positive habits--but I have an extra quarter inch around my waist and a rekindled fondness for booze and fatty food to contend with.

Don't tell her your "number" (mistake #7)

This one is huge. One time, she asked me, "are you a manwhore?" This was about 5 weeks after the first date. I flatly said "no, I don't think so. I suppose you'd have to define it." She says, "over or under 20 partners?" I laughed and said "oh, under! I've only had 12." I had a golden opportunity to amuse her, be cocky and mysterious, or even coyly suggest that I truly was some casanova--but the straightforward response I gave her not only squandered that opportunity, but somehow turned her off.

Don't go soft (mistake #8)

After a few weeks with her, I noticed women were looking at me differently. I had lost weight and put more muscle on my upper body, and I was projecting enormous confidence. At the gym, a girl in a lyotard (!) with eclectic tattoos just straight up hit on me. I merely made some flirty banter at her and deliberately avoided escalating. Another time, a smoking hot black girl looked long and hard at me running on the treadmill in my red Chairman Mao shirt, and I didn't even bother to talk to her. A hot blonde eyefucked me sore, and it turned out we were parked right next to each other--but I said nothing. All for the sake of being the good boyfriend, I avoided valuable opportunities to engage with women just for practice. Of course, this was before I saw the end coming.

See the end coming (success #3)

Two weeks before the end, Alice started acting mean and bitchy. She seemed to be looking for things to fight about, then we would fight, and she would use it as an opportunity to voice her concern that we had communication problems. I picked up on what she was doing: she wanted to make things hard for me so that I would initiate the breakup. Years ago, a girl pulled this one on me. But I wouldn't let Alice make me pull the trigger when I wasn't even holding the gun. I voiced my optimism about the relationship, tried to avoid and defuse petty conflicts, and refused to reward her bitchiness with my attention. But I knew the days were numbered, so I started lining up other prospects and thinking outside the relationship.

Rebound fast and hard (success #4)

She broke up with me on a Sunday morning. It took her an hour and a half because I adamantly refused to do the deed, and at one point I even told her that if she wanted to break up, she would have to do it. Immediately after it was done, we had sex, which I regret. I left and felt very upset, even though I knew this was for the best. As I drove away, a girl I had been working on for several days, who I'll call Mika, called me up. She wanted to hang out, and I found out she also needed a ride to the airport the next morning, as she was leaving the country to do scientific research in the jungle for 3 months. I picked her and her luggage up later that evening and we had sex four times that night. She flew to South America the next morning. Losing Alice sucked, but Mika is amazing, and having her made the breakup considerably more bearable.

Don't look back (mistake #9)

Later that night, me and a friend went out and got incredibly drunk. I was extroverted and having a great time. Alice called me just to say hi. She was still into me--I knew she was ambivalent about her decision. So the next night I went to see her. She was surprised when I told her that the breakup was for the best because we didn't have enough in common. We started making out, and then she started asking pointed questions about whether I had been with anyone else. I said it wasn't her business. She asked me if I had slept with someone, and having done nothing wrong, I simply told her yes. Alice knew it was Mika and this particularly upset her because she knew Mika and I had gone out for drinks a couple of weeks prior--which she had permitted but was uneasy about. She went from shocked, to angered, to anguished and in tears in the span of three minutes. Then she told me to leave and to not call or text her. I regret going back to see her, and I realize it was because I had been secretly hoping that she might have changed her mind.

The whole thing lasted just 10 weeks, but it was significant because I got into it with game, lost it for lack of game, and also it was the first relationship I've had since a breakup a year and a half ago that shook my world and got me reading about game in the first place.