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[–]c-u-p 37 points38 points39 points 14 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
I'm a virgin as well, a few years older than you, but had my first make out a few months ago. Here's the thing, it all comes down to fear. Right now you have a lot of fear in you, and so do I. Fear of approaching, fear of being yourself, fear of strangers, fear of touching, fear of making the move, fear of being sexual, fear of kissing, sex, etc.. all routed from inexperience.
Unless the girl takes action, which is very rare, you will never have sex. Sooner or later you will have to face your fears, if you don't time will move by, and before you know it you will be 25, or 30, or 35, and still a virgin. Reading won't get rid of your fears, you're only prolonging it from happening. You have to take action now, and try to break through every fear as soon as possible. Do it for yourself first, approach ugly girls, who cares, just do it to get over fear, so that when the time comes and you finally meet the girl you like, you won't have any fears holding you back, and most of all, you won't have any regrets.
[–]puathrowaway1 8 points9 points10 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I have to agree with this, holding out indefinitely for that special someone is going to be counter productive in actually finding them. The question you really need to ask yourself is "Will I regret sleeping with someone I didn't love as my first?". The answer to this question should answer yours.
Of course you would prefer your first to be something more, but it's only a big deal if you think it is. Personally, I would recommend just going for it.
[–]c-u-p 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
In the summer I was going out a lot and wouldn't really care for the not good looking girls, and would only go for the hot ones. Eventually I had this really hot girl over at my place but because of fear I didn't do anything. This is why I wish I did more with the not so good looking girls.
No use buying a porsche if you can't drive a ford.
[–]Paramorgue 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Lol...I love that last one. When I coach people and post here on seddit I alwasy try to focus on mentality and mindset.
So To answer that quote I have to say: Realize that you can drive that Porsche...the only thing standing in your way is the fact of you being too much of a retard right now to see it.
[–][deleted] 14 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
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[–]frogma 6 points7 points8 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'll field this one too.
Who did you make out with? How was it like? Would they even remember you 5 years from now?
The first girl I really made out with was as sort of a joke when I was 10. It was awkward as shit. No, I doubt she really remembers it, and the only thing I remember about it is the fact that it happened. I made out with a few more girls around that age- same story.
My first real make out was freshman year. I heard this girl liked me so I went over to her house after school. We watched a movie. Took me about 45 minutes to get up the courage to put my arm around her. Took me the whole movie to get up the courage to finally kiss her. First time we made out, it lasted like a half hour, and halfway through it, she pulled back to tell me that I was biting her tongue/lips too much (I had no fuckin idea- I didn't know I was doing it). She didn't really seem to care. We went out for a little while. Again though, I doubt she remembers much of it. Basically it's the exact same story with every girl I've ever kissed.
The most awkward make out I've ever had was with this random girl. We had mutual friends who were dating, so we were hanging out as a foursome one time. Since my friend was hooking up with his girlfriend, I was basically pressured to make out with this girl. I was too nervous to do it throughout the movie we watched- it was only as me and my friend were leaving that I went up to hug her and we started to kiss. She fuckin opened her mouth wide and started randomly jutting her tongue into my mouth (she had no idea what she was doing). I was like "wtf" and tried to match her movements, but for some reason our tongues kept missing each other, our teeth were clanking together- it was just terrible. So she pulled back after like 5 seconds and fuckin laughed in my face (not really in a malicious way, but she laughed as if I was the retard). Never talked to her again. That's the only make out sesh in my life that I'd consider "memorable," only because of how awkward it was. I've made out with other virgins and girls with little to no experience, and none of them were as bad as that girl. It takes a special kind of person to be that bad at it. You won't be as bad, guaranteed.
I feel like you're afraid of rejection overall. It sounds like you're afraid to approach because of rejection- and maybe even more than that, you might be afraid to approach because of the possible eventual rejection. That's a shitty way to think about it, because as cool as you might be, this girl you like might reject you right off the bat. It won't even get to sex. Then you'll be pissed because you spent all that time worrying about her being dissatisfied with your sexual prowess, only to find you couldn't have gotten that far anyway. Take it one step at a time. Talk to her just for the sake of talking. Take it further after that if you want.
[–]c-u-p 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
i really enjoyed the make out, I'm not sure if if I was good or bad, I don't really care either what other people think, I enjoyed it and that's all the matters.
The reason I didn't do anything with the girl over at my place was because I didn't kino her all day, and it would have felt awkward to do it at my place.. Again, it's a fear of me caring about how she feels, I should have just gone for it. Instead of fortune telling the future, or mind reading her, I should have just done it and see what would have happened. Even if it did turn out to be awkward, who cares about awkwardness, awkwardness is part of life and is required for learning.
[–]Woetren 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
There's nothing wrong with you. You'd be surprised how many people are virgin at that age. Find yourself a good girl you like and likes you and you'll manage just fine. No rush.
[–][deleted] 72 points73 points74 points 14 years ago* (22 children) | Copy Link
Seriously, what are you waiting for? the whole concept of 'omg, i need to make the first kiss special' is soo fucking hollywood. You have been fed a lie. You are valuing things that are valueless and sacrificing your personal growth. Jeez man, do you know how much work you have to do to undo all the shit you've learned from your childhood? You are trying to build a skyscraper without breaking ground.
You need to abandon your limiting beliefs and just do it. Don't wait for anything special. Just kiss anyone (HB 7+ will suffice). You don't have to sleep with her but you need to move along with your life. Abandoning the idea of 'specialness' will be the first step of actual growth. Stop projecting some idealized vision of the future and see the cold reality. You are going to die very soon before you've even lived. Seize the day.. there is no romantic movie scene that is going to play out.
[–]IBringAIDS 35 points36 points37 points 14 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link
This
Sex is not special. It's a normal biological function much like sleeping, eating and taking a shit. It just tends to be much more enjoyable than the other stuff mentioned.
Your first time will not be good. You're going to be bad at sex because you've never done it before. The first time you drove, did you drive like an F1 racer? What about your first time swimming? Were you doing swan dives and backflips? I doubt it. Just like anything else, practice makes perfect.
The more you sit around reading Seddit instead of actually getting out there and getting experience, the longer you're going to be terrible at kissing and being intimate with girls
Ignore anyone who tells you to take your time. You've taken your time for 21 years and all it's gotten you is this post on Seddit. Time is of the essence, unless you want to be a virgin for another 21 years.
And, honestly, if you need yet another reason here's the biggest one: If you don't get a handle on this now, when you do finally meet the girl of your dreams that you want to spend your life with, how are you possibly going to get and keep her if you don't even know the basics of being intimate?
[–]sudormrf 34 points35 points36 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
It's a normal biological function much like sleeping, eating and taking a shit.
Although to be honest, I've had some pretty awesome shits.
[–]casualmeat 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
hmmm...I wonder if these two activities can be combined...
[–]albite 6 points7 points8 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You must be referring to a blumpkin!
[–]brygphilomena 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Although to be honest, I've had some pretty awesome sex.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Isn't that the whole idea behind anal sex?
[–]anon10500 13 points14 points15 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Sex is not special.
Username: IBringAIDS
ಠ_ಠ
[–]IBringAIDS 5 points6 points7 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I must have left the 'e' out. I meant AIDEs. They're helpful
[–][deleted] 14 years ago* (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]frogma 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Somehow I'm too lazy to look through my comment history and copy/paste the advice I gave to someone else, but not lazy enough to reiterate it here.
Of course, but a girl that doesn't care about me, a "random girl" will be very dissatisfied with my terrible driving. I'm the one who's supposed to lead...I'm going to feel embarrassed and ashamed as a man because I couldn't do something I should have already learned to do.
Haha. I wish I had some statistics to back this up, but dude, you're not gonna be "good" at sex the second time, or the third time, or the fourth time, probably not even the first ten times. Maybe not even the first 20. Most guys are decent at best (most girls too), just as a general rule. As a virgin, you'll be comparable to most guys.
You don't really have to "take the lead." I've had plenty of sex where either the girl actively takes the lead herself, or we're both just mutually enjoying the experience and neither of us would be considered the "leader." We're just fuckin.
because I couldn't do something I should have already learned to do.
Fucking is as simple as moving your penis into and out of her vagina, if that's how you wanna do it. I'm sure you're capable of that. Your hand has already taught you the basics. And again, this is essentially what most guys do. Most guys are too lazy to have any meaningful foreplay (if any), and too lazy to really focus on the girl (or if they do, they still don't know how to get her off, so it's a moot point). But they still have sex. And I bet in a majority of cases, the girl isn't gonna be noticeably disappointed or anything (and she might enjoy it anyway).
I just want my first time to be memorable than after that I don't care.
That's a reasonable stance to take. I'd say that's how most guys feel/felt about it. But, many people got it out of the way in high school, or early on in college. For me personally, my first time was with a complete stranger. The only thing memorable about it (besides the ridiculous story of how it happened) was the fact that it was my first time. My second time was with a long-term girlfriend who I had temporarily broken up with- we fucked about a week after my first time. The first time her and I had sex, I'd say it was somewhat memorable I guess, but then we fucked a million times after that. Again though, my very first time was with a stranger, so it's like- I dunno- it wasn't a big deal or anything.
The main issue here is that you haven't made this happen already. That's a red flag right there. That means there's something "wrong" with the way you're approaching sex and women, and it's obviously hurting your cause. If you continue to approach it the way you've been approaching it, don't be surprised if it takes a really long time for something to finally pan out. Or, change the way you think about it, and maybe you can have some "success" a lot sooner, and you can move on with your life. Whether or not it's with a girl you "like," you probably gotta change something in your approach. And remember, the fact that you're a virgin is gonna be more important and intimidating for you than it will be for anyone else. Nobody else really gives a shit, most of the time, but you've been playing it up so much in your own head that it's throwing you off and making you think about it in a way that isn't necessarily healthy or helpful to you at all.
[–]IBringAIDS 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You say that you want your sex to be with someone memorable, and at the same time you're absolutely terrified that that someone special will dislike you because you're bad in bed.
You, my friend, cannot have your cake and eat it too.
Reading over your arguments and how vehemently you're holding onto your beliefs, there's likely nothing that we can logically argue that will change your mind. You're going to have to make a tough decision: Either have sex with someone (anyone!) so that you can break the cycle of fear that you're in or wait until you find someone special who you're willing to lose because of those same fears. Because right now, I imagine your worries about being intimate are probably more unattractive to girls than actually being bad in bed (yes, lots of girls have bed sex -- no, not all of those girls hate the guys for it).
As an FYI, I was a virgin much longer than you before I had my first intimate experiences. And yeah, it wasn't special.
[–]Orimos 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
"Of course, but a girl that doesn't care about me, a "random girl" will be very dissatisfied with my terrible driving. I'm the one who's supposed to lead...I'm going to feel embarrassed and ashamed as a man because I couldn't do something I should have already learned to do."
You never have to see a random girl again so fuck her opinion, it doesn't matter. Practice makes perfect! xD
Also, you don't have to take the lead. Let her get on top and in control if you're worried about not knowing what you're doing. Find out what she likes, what she doesn't like, as you go.
Stop making excuses and rationalizing based on your brainwashed upraising. fairytale virgin stories are for disney movies and teenage romcoms.
[–]postmodgirl 7 points8 points9 points 14 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Hey OP
Chill out, first off.
You are not alone, your condition isn't unique. I have met, and dated, guys who lost their virginity at 22 & 23. Here is what you can do.
BE HONEST!
If you're going on a date, and things are going good & the subject of sex comes up, tell her, and tell her why. There are women who will understand, hell there are some who will take it as a challenge. Right now you are giving yourself a lot of anxiety thinking everyone was fucking way earlier than you, and that's just not the case. Many girls don't have sex until they're 18, 19. I Iost mine at 21, and only had one boyfriend when I was your age. Lots of people are in your boat. It's not a big deal.
You're making a lot of assumptions. Stop it. You don't know what these girls are thinking. Grow some balls and go on dates and have fun. The only way you are going to get experience is to go and get experience, so go get some goddamn experience!
[edit: meant to reply to op, not leave a comment on a comment. Stupid touch phone]
[–]borntoperform 11 points12 points13 points 14 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
My first kiss was Hollywood-like. Not the setting, but the build-up and moment was. Just sayin'.
[–]bonyicecream 5 points6 points7 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah, but the question is, do you give a shit that it was Hollywood-like in retrospect?
Because I had (have, really) the same dilemma as this guy, and looking back, I don't give a flying fuck about my first kiss. In the long run, it won't matter.
[–]borntoperform 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah it won't matter In the long run, but I'm glad my first kiss was awesome as it was.
[–]MCem[🍰] 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My first kiss was pretty much the opposite. I was moderately drunk at a party and a girl (who is now my girlfriend) went up and mauled me, and used a lot of tongue. Wasn't quite magical.
[–][deleted] 14 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Aham 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Dude. Don't listen to the people who are telling you something you don't want to do. Don't let your lack of experience get in the way either. When you find that girl you click with, go for her. But let her know you're a virgin before you get with her. Telling her shows you have balls, and she'll be receptive because you have a good reason for it...
I'm sure she'll be not only happy to 'show you the ropes', but will also think it's the cutest thing ever. Girls like that kinda thing.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I think a lot of inexperienced guys self-sabotage. I've done it. It doesn't have to be because they're obsessed with their first being special. It's just that success is scary. You really, really want sex, but what if you actually got it? Scarier even than the insta-rejection is getting to sex and having her discover that you suck. So you sabotage yourself. An opportunity presents itself, you don't take it because you're too afraid it's going to be awkward.
It's not going to get any less awkward the longer you put it off.
[–][deleted] 14 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]frogma 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
what do I do if she thinks I'm terrible.
Fuhgedaboudit.
Any girl who goes out of her way to tell you how terrible you are is what is commonly referred to as a "cunt." The correct response in that situation would be to tell her to go fuck herself. Or at least let her know that she was equally terrible.
But you're afraid of something that most likely isn't gonna happen. It's all in your head.
[–]frogma 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Nobody starts off being comfortable with their body- it's something you learn to accept. You either learn it through experiences (positive reinforcement, positive results, etc.) and/or by changing your thoughts about it. Growing up, I had all kinds of problems with acne (not nearly as bad as some people, but worse than most). I still have acne, though not as much- and now I just don't let it bother me. The main thing that helped me realize it wasn't an issue was one of my best friends. He had always been slightly overweight, with a bit of an acne problem. I remember one day he picked me up for school and he had this ungodly pimple on his nose. I tore into him a bit for it. I was the only person that day who even said anything about it- everyone else just ignored it, and the reason was because he totally ignored it, like it wasn't even there. And this kid had been moderately successful with girls throughout all of grade school and high school, and you could just see how none of that physical shit ever affected him. Now I've gotten a bit overweight myself (still pretty fit though) and still have acne. I just don't give a shit about it- so nobody else does either. You can approach it the same way just by realizing that the physical shit is less important than your overall attitude and personality. Easier said than done, I know, but you have to try to ingrain that mindset into your thoughts.
The self-consciousness and low self-esteem probably stems from the physical issues more than anything else. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. You don't get results, so you tend to blame it on the things that can't be changed (at least, not quickly), and then you turn around and expect less success. It's easier for you to blame it on the things that can't be changed, than to take the initiative and improve on the things you can change. At least that's how it was for me in high school especially.
You'll notice though that if you stop giving a shit about how people perceive you (to an extent), they'll actually receive you much more positively. It's counter-intuitive but true. If you were to go out today and randomly approach girls, while just pretending like you're confident and don't care about their reactions to you, you'll probably get some semi-decent conversations out of it at the very least. I know you mentioned something about being able to do that already, but I bet you don't do it often enough.
As it applies to sex and any sort of sexual stuff, same thing. Dude, my naked body is nothing to write home about. It used to be- I used to work out daily and I got chiseled and jacked. That was cool, but it didn't directly affect much of anything, and I was only really doing it to impress girls. So I stopped doing it, and still had all kinds of success with girls. My chest used to be the type of chest that girls would want to rub just because. Now I basically have man boobs, and girls don't really rub it as often, but nothing else has changed. Sometimes if I fuck a girl who's got some meat on her, you can hear our stomachs banging together. Not a pretty sound. Doesn't matter.
[I want to make it clear that I don't weigh 230 pounds or anything- but if I did, it still wouldn't matter. TofuTofu's overweight and he's the most successful guy here.]
[–]frogma 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I mean it should have happened naturally if I was normal
You are normal man. If you were to take a census of "normal" guys in America, you'd see all kinds of crazy shit. Just look at Brad Pitt or George Clooney- in terms of looks, what really differentiates them from anyone else? Brad Pitt's got a mediocre jawline and symmetrical features. That's about it. The rest of his sexual attractiveness comes from his characters. Clooney's basically got the same thing. He looks pretty "normal," but what gets girls hot is his acting.
If you've already got symmetrical features, you're good to go. If you want to make yourself more attractive, find a good style for your facial hair and your hairdo. Wear some decent clothes. That's really all you need. The rest of it will come from your personality.
If you don't have symmetrical features, it's exactly the same thing. Being physically fit is hardly ever a bad thing, though not necessary. Wearing good shit and looking good is hardly ever a bad thing, but not necessary. Basically, if it helps you feel better about yourself, go ahead and do it.
For me, at the start of college, I literally just told myself to imagine I was Brad Pitt, and I started acting more like how I pictured he would act. That's all it took before I started having some success. I didn't have to change my looks or anything.
Edit: In terms of sexuality, again, picture how Brad Pitt would approach it. He obviously wouldn't be a little bitch about it, so do the opposite of that, even if it's uncomfortable, and even if it seems unwarranted. Just do it and see what happens. It'll often work out pretty well unless you go overboard, and if you do go overboard, just recalibrate and take it down a notch next time.
[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points 14 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
The biological function of the helmet shaped tip of your penis is to scoop out another males sperm. The whole concept of sex for humans is that the girl has already been fucked. Furthermore, your boners are there to make you want to fuck girls. Find a girl that gives you a boner and stick it in her. See where it goes from there. Worse thing that happens is you grow as a human.
You need to tap into that primal instinct. Let passion and fun be the first qualifications for fucking, then enjoying personalities be hanging out, and true caring feelings be dating.
[–]MartMillz 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
The biological function of the helmet shaped tip of your penis is to scoop out another males sperm.
I'm sorry but I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor... Do you have a source??
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Second Paragraph. http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=secrets-of-the-phallus&page=2
[–]MartMillz -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I don't want to live in this world anymore
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Because evolution is amazing?
[–]MartMillz 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No, that part is fascinating. Mostly because my body is way more obsessively hellbent on breeding than my mind will ever comprehend or be.
It makes me wonder how long until it figures out a way to counteract any and all forms of prophylactic.
[–]asad16 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
did you hear this on the joe rogan pod cast? it's so weird cause i just heard that yesteday
[–]_the_boss 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I was exactly in the same position when I was your age. I lost my virginity at 22, forcing myself to experience it so I could finally start having a love life. The more you push off sex, the larger you blow it up in your mind, and suddenly it becomes an insurmountable obstacle.
You will constantly change and grow, as will your relationship desires and what you value about women. My perfect woman as a 21-year old is much different than what I now envision as my perfect match (as a 25-year old). You'll look back and realize you don't care much for the girls you did in the past.
What you will remember throughout your life -- in my opinion -- is not the first time having sex, but finding your ideal partner because you have the confidence -- both sexual and otherwise -- to effectively pursue her when you meet her. This worked for me and I have no regrets.
Finding somebody with whom you will have a great relationship is really hard. On that rare instance that you meet her, you'll want to be ready. So grit your teeth, and fight through the awkwardness of the first few fuck-ups!
[–]WbfYfM 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
a
[–]_the_boss 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Find women and settle with the one you like.
[–]nightmare_scenario 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A lot of people are either telling you to just get over it and a lot of people are telling you "Dude, I'm so there with you!" I'm going to tell you both. I hope it is helpful.
I grew up religious, did not date in high school and was a virgin when I got married. We messed around beforehand, but skipped first based to steal second and third. She was my first girlfriend and high school sweetheart. My first kiss was at the alter, on my wedding day, with the girl I expected to spend my life with and had known for seven years. As far as I know, I was her first kiss and first lover. We had sex three times that night and it was a lot of fun. I had done a lot of reading on sex, and since we had fooled around already I could get her off and enjoy myself as well.
Then, about a year later, she started fucking other men. All of the value I originally placed in her, and in the "specialness" of my first times was a waste. I believe her excuse was along the lines of "I think we just got married too young." I deeply regret all of the time and emotional investment I made in her. I barely remember any of the first times we tried any particular physical act.
I still hold it as a point of pride that I had the willpower to remain unkissed and unfucked until marriage (I was popular with girls after about age 17 but did not marry until I was 22). I realize now that this pride more than the morality of my upbringing motivated my chastity.
Right now I'm having the most enjoyable sex of my life with a girl I met 12 days ago. Believe me, it feels far more special than anything I remember from my firsts, and I'm definitely not her first either. (As an addendum, I wouldn't be in this very pleasant situation if I hadn't APPLIED what I've read here.)
Lastly, as one alpha-in-training to another: stop saying "whatever" and "maybe" or ending sentences with "I don't know." It sounds indecisive and/or pouty. You are very articulate otherwise and express your thoughts well in print.
[–]testmypatience10 points 14 years ago* [recovered] (21 children) | Copy Link
I am approving this thread because he has read the materials but has a different set of values than we do here. I want to see the approaches people would take that has his particular set of values. There are many Christians who value not having sex.
OP - I would like to say personally that I have been where you are at and that it will difficult to accomplish what you are asking. The reason I say this is YOU WILL FUCK UP YOUR FIRST FEW TIMES. So unless you want to fuck up with the special girl in your life and have a good chance of freaking her out then it isn't very possible to do what you ask.
The only girls you will get to do what you are asking is probably other people with similar strict values that would generally be found in churches. Even in churches you are going to be hard pressed to find a woman that is a virgin or that is willing to date you and let you take her virginity.
Things take practice and love, sex, and social skills are no different.
This topic is not really addressed in our set of guides so I am letting this one in. Be ready for people telling you to read the side content however.
[–][deleted] 14 years ago* (20 children) | Copy Link
[–]ilostitattheclub 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Bro, I didnt lose my v card til I was 21...ended up having a 5 year relationship with the girl and a daughter...we arent together anymore but hey it was mostly good, my point is, 21 is still young, and you are putting way too much emphasis on certain things. I understand wanting to have a meaningful first time with sex, but first kiss....man that shit is gonna be sweet even if you suck, like, fuck it, just do that shit.
You are thinking you are gonna be terrible off the bat...ok with sex, probably, but you can still go pretty good if you go down on her, I managed that shit alright, didnt really know what the fuck I was doing just let my tongue off the leash and it worked a treat. The point is, dont overthink things when you actually get there, you need to let your dick take control. This might be hard because your mind will be going Einstein, just try to relax.
You can have an INTENSE emotional connection with girls VERY quickly, you can have the experience you want, it can be special to you and it might not be so bad for the girl, but you actually have to believe it, and you gotta fucking grow some balls and do it, or it will get harder. Take some emphasis off your performance, dont worry about it, if a girl likes you, and is ready to fuck you, you dont actually have to be casanova the first time. You will get second chances and it will get easier. Go for a girl you like, and make her into your girlfriend, and own that shit. You can do it.
[–]WbfYfM 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]ilostitattheclub 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I had the same fear, but the girl was so in love it didn't matter. That could be the case if you're just going for a quick screw, but dude, why you so caught up with what she thinks in that situation. And how do you know you are bad if you havent even tried it?
You get into a situation you know youre gonna have sex, get your fingers down there, then go eat her out. Doesnt matter if you come in 2 minutes when u finally get your dick wet, its the fucking thought that counts.
And it IS gonna be scary the first time, and there is NOTHING that anyone here can do or say that is gonna make it any easier. But I was in that situation and really, once all the dust has settled, you realise what a douchebag you are for not sharing your dick with all those pretty girls out there.
If you want to do it with someone you care about, and she cares about you, then Im pretty sure she will take it easy on you if she likes you. If its a quick fuck, then try not to give a fuck, while giving a fuck, if that makes any sense
[–]WbfYfM 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ilostitattheclub 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
oh shit bro, well you seem to have an answer for everything so, maybe just dont even try?
You can have an amazing emotional connection with a girl on the first fucking date, have sex that night, never see her again and it still would have been a special experience for you. Or you could meet a girl, date her, meet her parents, fall in love, then take the time to explore your sexuality. Or any other variant in between those 2 extremes. But honestly, the best sex comes way after the first time, so the more bullshit you put on this first time, the more its gonna hurt the older you get, not acting.
Some casual girls are just happy to get laid bro its a fucking dog eat dog world out there, youre thinking too much for other people.
But I go back to my original point. You CAN do it, the way YOU want to.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hey. I was a 21-year-old (female) virgin once. I lost my virginity to someone who was losing theirs to me (at the same age). I didn't dislike how terrible he was in bed; in fact, it was comforting that we could both be terrible together, and both learn together.
There are women looking for a quick lay and there are women looking for something special (I think people in this particular subreddit would note that they wish there were more of the former kind, so you should be okay to find the latter).
I'm not saying you shouldn't find a casual partner; but I think you should do what feels right to you. Don't do something you're not comfortable with. If you wait for someone special - and she really likes you, too - chances are she won't dump your sexually-stunted ass because you aren't good.
Just be eager to learn, willing to please and open to new ideas. I find that's sexier than any learned skill.
PS - I'm still with the same guy I first had sex with. And I'm glad we were each other's firsts - and due to the openness of our relationship, we won't be one another's only's. ;)
[–]MOCAMBO 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You're my long lost twin.
Honestly, every single post you have in this thread, is EXACTLY how I feel and think.
[–]MOCAMBO 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You know me too well.
Have you moved forward since then?
[–]Hardass_McBadCop 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm in a similar situation as you OP. I've read a fair amount of the material but the difference, I think, is that I've gone out there and fucked things up. A lot. A few of which I actually regret, all of them I'm grateful for. Each of those amazing women, whether they still like/talk to me or not has enriched my life in some way.
I'm still learning and working at it and getting a little better day by day. It'll be hard and sometimes it might seem like you're not making any progress but as long as you look back, reflect, and learn something from your experiences then you will improve.
If it helps you overcome your worry about being inexperienced, some women do find some inexperience absolutely adorable and are flattered when you want to lose your virginity with them. Besides, if you begin casually dating a girl then she's going to get the idea that you haven't done a lot whether you tell her or not. 90% of them will not simply drop off the face of the Earth.
They may friendzone you but that can be advantageous. I have a couple friends I had an interest in and by the time I did anything about it it was already too late; I got the "Let's just be friends" bit. Those couple are also really great resources when it comes to dating. They're girls that are like what I want but I don't have to worry about fucking up the relationship with inexperience. I can ask them questions occasionally on dating stuff that completely eludes me and they give me their god honest opinion on it; 100% straightforward.
Just a thought. It's helped me tremendously so it could help you too maybe. Good luck buddy!
[–]testmypatience2 points 14 years ago* [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
We all have our first time so don't worry. We all did not take to crawling on our first try, we all did not take to walking on our first try, and we most definitely didn't get the girl of our dreams on the first try. We are all akward and we all will fail until we die. We are humans, an ever changing being that learns. To learn you must fail and not know something. Nobody can know everything and nobody can be good at everything.
I would say that it is nessesary to practice as you will fail otherwise. If you take this approach then yes it is important that you read more of the guides provided to you. In that case it would be best for you to move over to askseddit.
[–][deleted] 14 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]testmypatience3 points 14 years ago* [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
I am lost on what you are asking then. I know it sometimes is hard to convey the large questions on our mind but without an eloquently enough stated thought I doubt I will understand.
Please try asking in a short summarized way what you want to know. Thank you.
[–]IBringAIDS 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
So you're saying that you've liked certain girls, but then you're too afraid to go any further because you didn't want to fuck it up.
But you don't want to sleep with random girls, because you want to save yourself for a girl you like.
Yep, you need to break the cycle.
It's a sort of thing where she'll be naturally valued higher to me than I am to her.
Too late for this if you're already worried about ruining some imaginary relationship with bad sex.
[–]WbfYfM 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]frogma 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Consider this though. Go to a bar, or wherever you want to meet a girl, and find one who vibes decently with you. She doesn't have to be a slut, she doesn't have to be ugly- but neither does she have to be the girl of your dreams. Make out with her. Fuck her. If you find the type of girl I'm talking about, you're probably not gonna be too attached to her, so it's not gonna hurt so bad in the event that she just blows you off (or whatever the hell you're afraid of happening).
Or do it your way, where you meet a girl you really like, "date" her for a bit, and eventually fuck her. That's not the best approach, and it'll blow up in your face more often than not, but it's doable. I just don't recommend it at all. Either way, it is doable, so DO IT. It's exactly how I did it in high school. It just happens to be a bit different as people get older, because desirable girls will have multiple guys desiring them. By holding off on sexual shit, or being nervous about it and shit, you're gonna turn most girls off. That's just the reality of the situation. So you're either gonna have to find the type of girl who doesn't care about any of that (she'll probably be similarly inexperienced), or you have to do it my way.
You really gotta stop thinking about it the way you're thinking about it though. I'm sure it's obvious to you that it's hurting your entire outlook. So why think about it that way? If it's fucking you up, why believe it? There's no point.
[–]IBringAIDS 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No because I'm afraid they'd laugh at me.
Get a hooker then.
Not a relationship, but just a casual thing. Like in a casual thing I'll just be another random guy she fucked.. but to me she'll be very special. that's very vulnerable.
That's because you're putting way too much emphasis on how 'special' sex is. The only people who actually think sex is magical are people who've never had it, even their first time, are people who've never had it. Like I've said, ask someone about their first time and most people will answer it wasn't actually good.
Hell, for me, I'd prefer a girl with plenty of experience to a virgin -- girls who are virgins are typically terrible in bed because they don't know what the hell they're doing.
[–]MMkkayy 5 points6 points7 points 14 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
There's certainly a lot to read here, but if I may, let me add my two cents.
1) I'd recommend you to not just 'get it over with'. Don't do something you'll truly regret like making out with a chubby/ugly girl that ended up having herpes. Shit's for life. But where do you draw the line on this? It's for you to decide, but you may have noticed there are attractive girls out there, now start talking to them.
2) Your first time for most everything just won't be that special, contrary to hollywood belief. I know mindblowing!;) So stop waiting for a special 'first time'. What makes it special is if you're with someone you truly care about and that takes time to figure out, probably after you've had a 'first time' with them and other women.
3) Stop thinking sex is the key to all of your problems. It's not. Your trying to obtain the goal without first taking the steps. You need to get better at talking to, interacting with women. Then get comfortable with flirting, etc...Do you see what I mean here? Break it down and accomplish steps, without steps you won't get to your goal.
4) Talking with women and flirting is fun! It gives you confidence. Do this. You'll need this confidence to get to your next step (First kiss perhaps)
5) While you will remember who she was and what you did together it really won't matter to you later on in life. Seriously you'll look back at it...and that's all, there won't be a [insert emotional response] every time you think of your 'firsts'. You'll realize that it helped you grow and become someone hopefully better; someone better able to obtain their true goal.
6) Stop reading seddit. Make a very detailed plan, what are your steps? Plan for worst case scenarios. How will you accomplish these steps? For example this week I will say hello to 5 women I find attractive, how will I handle possible rejection?, etc... Start with something easy to build confidence then continue on your quest!
Side note: Your case is not unique. I'm telling you as someone that just recently lost his virginity (20yrs old) and has his first girlfriend. I did it. So can you. If you really want to that is.
[–]MMkkayy 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
3) I wouldn't worry about how well you perform sex-wise your first time. I worried about this so much that I ended a few relationships because sex was imminent. Was I nervous my first time? You betcha. Think of it this way, if the girl initiates sex/wants to have sex then she clearly wants to see you completely naked physically and emotionally. It's clear you cannot find someone so trustworthy as to let them see you in this state. Here's something to think about: Worried about how you look? Start working out or improving yourself in some way=more confidence. I'd recommend shaving for your first time, how much is up to you. It makes you look bigger to put it bluntly. Also DO NOT plan when you're going to have sex and how/where. I know you'll do this in your head, but keep it to yourself. Just always be prepared for the moment when it comes and when it does, just go with it. She'll stop you if she wants to. But of course don't be forceful. How I picture it is you go with the flow while she does the rest for your first time. 6) See I used to think the way you are right now. I want this, I want that, I want to meet 'the one'. You CANNOT think like this. Once again keep it to yourself, but preferably banish it from your mind entirely. You're thinking of the end result. Ex: I want to eat [food]. In order to get [food] you must follow steps to get there. Very simplified example.
Here's what I did: I got help, after being depressed for years I sought out help. If you want you can. There are relationship counseling options available that could be of help to you at a school psych department. I'd recommend going to just see how it goes; someone else's perspective is invaluable and a counselor will give you constructive feedback vs a friend who means well. Then I began focusing on how I interact with people. Writing the pro's and con's. Then improving how you interact with those people. MAKE SURE YOU SMILE ALL THE TIME, you'll feel better and people will want to talk to you. Practice smiling in the mirror each day, 5 minutes or so.
Then I focused on meeting new people and making sure I spoke to people in my groups or near me in classes. Then making sure I said hello to them outside of class.
Then I made sure to put myself in new situations. Join clubs/sports and make sure you go out with friends and meet their friends. Friends of friends are the easiest friends to make!
Your plan should look something like this, but tailored to your needs/wants/goals:
1)Beginning phase- talk to a new person each week, write down their names (proves to yourself you CAN do this). Say hello [name] when you see them always. SMILE.
2) Once you've met some new people, notice who you 'click' with. Try to meet up with them outside of class, or whichever environment you typically see them in. -Notice how gender hasn't been mentioned here: start with anyone and everyone.
3) Join a group/club: If someone you met is in a group/club ask them about it! Pursue it!
4) Now make sure to solidify these new relationships. They are very fragile so be sure to check in on them, asking people how they are, what they've been up to. -Remember to share about yourself, while people love to talk about themselves they'll feel self-conscious if you don't say anything.
Make sense? It's hard to be very structured since I am not you. Perhaps you could write your plan down and send it to me? Then we can make adjustments.
[–]twoweeksofwildfire5 points 14 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]twoweeksofwildfire6 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Really? raises eyebrow
I've got some chances to meet some girls here and there..but they were usually girls I wasn't attracted to. Girls that just wanted to fuck.
Everytime a random girl wants to go on a date or kiss or fuck I feel sort of shitty because I don't want to do that with someone I don't like..people move fast these days...like I just don't want to sleep with someone that doesn't care about me. For her I'm just another guy..I'm not her first..she won't even remember my name. besides it'll be shitty for me and her.
Most girls aren't even going to care about having sex with me because I'm just another guy in their line of 10 men or w/e.
...she'll expect(eventually) I guess that we're going to have sex...but I could never ever go there because I wouldn't think it would be special/memorable for me
Like I wish there was a girl that would just show me the ropes like a "mentor"..except she liked me.
After... I'm not going to care much about sleeping with random girls because it'll be something i've already done
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Take your chances, you're not going to have any idea what things are like if you don't act and just expect things. You're still very young and you are still very much in control on how you want to run your intimate life.
It's going to be very hard to find a girl that you're asking for and expecting unless you just try it out. Maybe she's the most amazing girl you've ever met, and all you had to do was have sex with her to really open her up (no pun intended). I've met a few girls that I had no clue what they were like, but spending a night with them talking, hanging out, sex, whatever you can find out a lot from them and go from there.
Don't like them? You're not committed so drop it and keep searching and trying! You've got nothing to lose.
[–]lasagnaman 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
besides it'll be shitty for me and her.
That's not true. How do you know?
so I want it to be with someone I like, I want it to be good, and other stuff.
The first few times will be terribly terribly awkward. It's not going to be good. Stop putting sex on a pedestal.
but to be experienced I'd probably need to sleep and mess around with random women...sigh.
Or you could sleep and mess around with women you like and are interested in. Either way, you do have to sleep and mess around.
I wouldn't think it would be special/memorable for me and be super embarassing and awkward because I would suck.
And that wouldn't happen if your first time was with the girl of your dreams?
[–]lasagnaman 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Because I'm a poor excuse for a man. Experience wise sexually I'm like a little kid
It doesn't matter..... there's a chance it'll be good. I mean likely it will suck, but that's ok, most first times suck.
What do I do if she thinks I suck and laughs at me?
Don't give a fuck?
[–]stapleherdick 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm a 20 year old girl and I feel the same. I don't think it's stupid. I think it's more difficult. I'm convinced I'm forever alone because all guys want to do is sleep with me...nobody wants to get to know each other...or take it slow anymore... I think those are qualities to admire. I'm considering having sex with someone that I'm not sure if I even like just because no one else seems to want me.....I feel fucked up for being a virgin...I don't know.. :(
[–]brygphilomena 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I think you have to be careful here. It sounds like you are thinking about others expectations and what they want. I'm not going to tell you that sex isn't special, or a kiss isn't special. Because personally, I remember every girl I've slept with.
I highly doubt women are going to think bad of you that you haven't done anything. Most likely, they will think its cute. If you're really nervous or curious, you can run it as an opener on sets. "Hey guys, I've only got a minute but I need a female opinion. My friend, Rob, is this really cool outgoing guy. But he has never kissed a woman; he's waiting until he meets someone he really likes. What do you guys think about that?"
Let us know what they say.
Also, if you go out with a woman on a date (how else are you going to know that you like her enough?) and you feel she is pressuring you for a kiss. You can always tell her outright. I honestly would expect them to go "awwwwwwww!!!"
[–]brygphilomena 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
I can understand the emasculation. Society has put a man's role as being the one to initiate a kiss. To kiss many women. etc. It's another outside pressure on you. But I don't think it will be an issue to women. It's mostly just media that has instilled that expectation in you.
Since you are looking for someone special for you, you can assume the woman is too, otherwise you two won't be intimate. Don't you think there are probably women who want the same thing you do? Our genders are not very different at all.
I don't know how much comfort you would get from other men here telling you these things or if you would feel better asking women their opinion. Running this as a routine would give you first hand experience to what women in your social scene are going to think.
Edit: But like others have said, not much is going to change unless you actively try to make a change. I would suggest taking girls out on dates. Movies are great for that. Dinner is good too (I personally prefer after the movie, you'll have something to talk about). See how things go from there. If you like her, you can try and kiss her. Hell, a lot of guys don't even do the date thing anymore, so think about what that says.
And stop thinking about sex. If you haven't kissed anyone, sex is down the road. Take things one step at a time. And remember, the girl who you have your first kiss with doesn't have to be the woman who takes your virginity.
[–]ford_cruller 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You're shooting yourself in the foot; you can not succeed if you're always thinking of reasons not to try.
Different women have different personalities. Some women will think you're a pussy and won't want to talk to you. Some will think you're cute in a puppy-dog sort of way. And some will think it's hot that they'll be your first; these are the kind you want to find. You can not tell which one a given woman is without taking her out on a date and seeing what happens. So start taking women on dates and seeing what happens. The worst that can happen is you'll get rejected a few times.
[–]punker2828 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm not even going to read the rest of the comments because I'm sure I know what they say. Good for you for being strong enough to know what you want, and courageous enough to go and get it. There are women out there that feel the same way you do and they'll be very happy to find you. Now go get them!
The one problem is of course, like you said, that you get better at dating women by dating women. I find that a supportive and open woman will help you learn the curve but there's always the "date-but-don't-fuck" thing. It'll help get some of the bumps out of the way and then you can figure it all out when you meet the right girl. JUST MAKE YOUR EXPECTATIONS CLEAR!! They might even call you a pussy but they're just forcing their societal expectations on you. You can do anything you want.
Sex is weird though man. Amazing, fulfilling, and essential but it's weird and it'll be easier with an awesome girl.
[–]gabriot 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm just being honest - The first time you will probably suck, just like the first time you went for a run you could probalby only do a couple of miles, and the first time you shot a basketball you probably missed. Like anything, you'll gain experience.
Hell, she'll probably even tell her friends that you sucked.
And you know what? Who gives a fuck? It's not like you're getting your leg severed from an IED over in Iraq or anything. Just accept your fate and go out there and start getting better at it. Accept that there will probably be massive issues with that.
ALL my firsts sucked - first kiss, first foreplay, first sex. But you get better over time. You'll look back one day on those first moments and chuckle, but you won't care because you'll be a master at that point.
Unless of course you pussy out and never try, in that case you'll continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled. The choice is yours, either make it or don't, but it's not going to be handed to you on a silver platter.
[–]Yotsubato 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Seddit isnt the place to find a relationship. Its a place for men to learn how play the game and get laid as much as possible. So the guys here dont know much about what you're looking for. I myself have a similar problem to you OP, and honestly I dont know what to do.
I dont want my first time to be a one night stand with a pseudo hooker (club slut) or with a drunk girl, I want to at least date and have a normal relationship before I get laid with her. And honestly in college not many girls are looking for boyfriends and such, so its quite a problem for us. So I'm pretty much stuck in the dark without a visible way out here.
I just try to hang out with girls and make friends with them and something may or may not happen, if it doesnt well at least I have a bunch of new friends and have had more experience talking to women.
Just get exposed as much as possible to women. Take Tango dancing classes if you really need to find women (if you are in engineering or other boys clubs you wont see women in jobs or class); in Tango there is a huge surplus of women looking for male dancing partners, and you will learn more communication skills with women as you do it. Plus when you come out of it you will know how to dance fucking awesomely and wont be awkward dancing at all anymore. Lots of women find this very attractive.
Exposure is key, relationships come randomly, they arent as systematic as gaming women in clubs and parties is.
[–]stapleherdick 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I thought this post had a lot of merit. Thanks.
[–]puaCurveBall -5 points-4 points-3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Completely disagree, if you actually have standards and want a HQ women than other seddit-aware, naturally alpha, and HQ guys are pursuing, then you need to understand social dynamics and game to have a shot.
I only got into seduction so I could meet my future wife, and that has been my only goal throughout my involvement.
[–]jagermeistr 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. It's your life, you run the show. Truthfully, who cares what some guy you don't know on an internet forums views are on sex/girls/relationships/etc? Half of these "field reports," are complete lies anyways.
At the same time, don't buy into the myth that sex is so so so important. You probably don't need a "mentor". It's simple, you stick your erect penis into her (hopefully) willing vagina. Nature takes over. Not a big deal. There doesn't need to be a big moment where you tell a girl you're a GASP virgin. This stuff is in your DNA. You wouldn't exist if there was some trick or secret to it.
[–]jagermeistr 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Don't assume it's going to be a terrible experience. Your reaction is probably going to be, "That's what everyone was making a big deal about?"
The media pumps a lot of contradicting information out about first sexual experiences. There's only two ways the first time having sex is portrayed in the media: something magical and special (typically in entertainment designed for women), or completely embarrassing and pathetic (gross out comedies, American Pie, male targeted films and tv shows). Reality is somewhere in the middle and unique to each person and circumstance.
stop living in fear! It sounds like your parents did a number on you with their overbearing sheltering behaviour, you might be best served talking to a therapist honestly.
[–]well_honestly -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
its as easy as 2+2. stick it in and fuck it. watch a goddamn porno or something. last time i needed a mentor was after i found out i was bad at something not before
[–]SloppyJoMo 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Going through and reading some of what has been written here, and I just have to say, "Fucking do it."
OP, you want to know the answer to every single little detail. You want to know what she is feeling. You want to know why she is feeling that. You want to know what will happen afterwards. You want to know if she'll like it. You want to know if you'll be any good or if it'll be so bad she'll never talk to you again. You want to know.....you want to know....you want to know.
Well, there are enough answers here to give you a general idea of the whole process. You are feeding yourself some heavy material, when the fact of the matter is none of what you're worried about fucking matters. Seriously. This is life. People meet, people fuck, people fall in love, people fall out of love, people fight, people cry, people fuck some more. It's all part of the process that you are willingly removing yourself from, and then wondering why it isn't happening the way you want it to.
You just have to go for it. You don't have all of lifes answers, and you never will. The only way to figure out how something will be is to try it for yourself. I know your feel, and a lot of the insecurities you have, I had (have) as well. But once I pushed forward and just let myself be in the moment instead of worrying about every little detail, I realized how ridiculous I was making things. You just have to make things happen. Just put one foot in front of the other, AND LIVE.
This is the equivalent of you not wanting to drive because you don't know what it's like to take a sharp curve on an icy road going 30 mph. YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT in order to know how it feels. You can know to lay off the gas and avoid sharp movements, but until you've actually hopped in the drivers seat and experienced it, you won't know for sure.
Seriously, you have all these expectations and ideal situations that you've already played out in your own head. I can tell right now that unless you snap out of this self-fulfilling prophecy of disappointment, nothing in this thread will help you. I don't know how many times I saw you quote some girl you made up just to have her talk shit about you. That's not right man. Let them decide for themselves about you. Don't make up their minds for them. Go for it, live, and learn from your experiences.
[–]woodstock923 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
There are lots of special girls out there, but you'll never find them unless you approach them.
Best advice I ever heard as a young guy struggling with confidence issues: Talk to women. Old ones, young ones, supermarket cashiers, people on the street. It doesn't have to be someone you're attracted to or interested in; it's just conversation with another human being.
That way when you see the pretty girl in the concert tee, you know how to interact with her. And then who knows?
[–]spareacct 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I feel like I need to respond to this, just because reading that reminded me far too much of myself (i.e. I could show that to friends and they would think I wrote it).
Now, as someone who was in pretty much the exact same position as you, you just need to go for it. You are trapped in the thinking, "I can't do this because I haven't done it" You are going to have to break out of the loop at some point.
You are seriously too stressed out about how "memorable" all the firsts will be. Half the fun is looking back and seeing how terrible you were.
My advice is to just kiss/hold hands with whoever, these aren't that important. Then find a girl that knows you are a virgin and is willing to lead you though the process. Don't do it in a one night stand sort of deal, but don't require it be some girl you have been dating for a long period.
[–]spareacct 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I would but I'm scared of the girl thinking I'm terrible, clumsy, and awkward at sex. that's what I stress about.
You will be, the only way you are going to get better is to practice. Giving the girl memorable experiences will come later, you just need to get experience first.
I see. I don't know if a lot of girls would still hang out if I told them...
Some may not, you would be surprised at how many will. I probably had 3 or 4 girls straight up tell me they would sleep with me (all knowing I was a virgin) before I went for it. But in each of those cases (similar to what you are doing) I found a way to give some excuse as to why I shouldn't.
[–]Orimos 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Watch The 40 Year Old Virgin. Story of your life if you don't make a move.
[–]kamdugle 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
here's a song that won't answer anything http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6GBf8odC9w
[–]balzac308 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I used to think the same. First because i was too much into the sxe thing. My story is, i was 19, meet this awesome girl, i love her, is very special, we are engaged 2 weeks after i meet her. We were 5 years together. The first 2 were great, but after that it was a nightmare.
Really, my best move since i was 18 to this day is leavin dat ho. Beign with her is the biggest mistake of my life. Go out, meet lots of girls, (don't sleep with them if you want) but sooner or later you will find someone special.
[–]Stythe 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You have to think of this: You want something special. I get it. You won't find it your first time. Dating/ one night stands/ etc, helps you develop and refine your taste in woman as well as your ability to handle them. It's not just about sex, it's about finding out who you are and what you want. Even if you found the perfect girl the first time you wouldn't know what to do with her. Date woman. Fuck woman. Get dumped. Dump them. Do these things so you can actually find that "someone special"
Seriously, don't place your bets on finding the right person right now. You won't no matter how long you wait because you don't know what you're looking for yet. The woman in your head doesn't exist.
[–]Orimos 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
So you've had opportunities but haven't taken them because you want it to be "special"? In the end it'll either never be special or always be special just based on your reflection on it.
"I get scared to date them because there is this expectation/pressure placed on me." Expect nothing. It's impossible to know if you suck at something if you never do it.
"Like I wish there was a girl that would just show me the ropes" If you do get into a relationship and it gets to the point where you might have sex while you're still a virgin just tell her, they really don't care.
I think your biggest problem is that you hold these things so high. You've put the pussy on a pedestal. Like I said, no matter who you do whatever you do with, it'll either be special or not based on looking back on it.
And if you're looking to lose your virginity with a virgin you've got to become a pedophile, adult virgin women are almost non-existent.
TLDR Stop putting the pussy on a pedestal, stop worrying about things that don't matter, and get out there!
[–]Orimos 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
"No because I'm scared that I'll be bad in bed."
Don't be. Give no fucks.
[–]turtle_thunder 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
HEY! I respect your values, and I understand how you feel. I want to help you, and let you experience what you want. You said it yourself though, girls move fast and it will be hard to accomplish this. So what you need to do is keep your values, but tone them down a little bit.
Lets be honest here, you will realize soon that holding hands for your first time won't be a mindblowing first step that you will remember for the rest of your life, the girl you are with will be what you remember. You need to find a girl first off, a little alike to you, its challenging but can be done. Don't go to clubs but find those quirky girls, not ugly and weird but just not "in the norm" and get her to date you.
Your attractive, and not socially awkward, plus you know basic seduction so this won't be difficult. Think of it like making a new friend, don't think about what will happen with her. I think the key is to not let out your values right away, play it normal, hopefully kiss her even(somewhat successfully) and play it off like nothing.
You want to hook her and get her to like you. Then when things escalate and you are talking about sex, tell her your a virgin, it might be awkward but by then the comfort will be there and you will be ok. That will be the biggest deal and you won't get there unless you compromise your values just a little. But as long as you can make it over the first few hurdles and hook the girl, you should be in the clear.
[–]JoseWolf32 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You are a man. At 21 you are a grown man. You need to get your head out of the clouds and stop fearing rejection like a 14 year old. Get this through your head, the longer you wait, the more afraid you will be. If you want it to be special then make it so yourself. Forget what the girl thinks, girls are too busy expecting you to take charge of the situation to think of how scared you are. Once you actually get past that first kiss, you will make it memorable based on the setting and the time, not the girl. Fuck it man, fear is getting you nowhere.
[–]IBringAIDS 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I guess part of being a man is believing you are one..but i personally don't have any of the traits of a man.
No, part of being a man is doing what needs to be done, regardless of whether he's scared or doesn't know if it's the right decision. A man is not belief, a man is action.
Take your first steps towards manhood and do what needs to be done.
[–]thecircusb0y 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Movies and Books do not depict real life.
Love, Sex, Lust, can be an ugly, messy, vivid experience.
If it helps, think of it this way. Your first time will be special, because it's specifically between you and someone else. It's not a movie, not a book.
Hell, one of my first times ended with me jumping out a window and running for my car in boxers and socks... oh man, good times.
The whole idea of "the one" or anything that limits your perception, is bullshit. You're trying to control WAY TOO MUCH. You want to orwell up your life and restrict things, you'll be wasting alot of time waiting for the perfect timing.
Time is something you can't get back. Money can be earned and spent in seconds, but you'll never get back your time.
"What do you have to lose?" This was said to me by a higher class in high school, and the dude was completely right.
Last thing I'll leave you with is, Experience is the king of lessons. Your firsts will be inexperienced and that's fine. Over TIME, yes time, that currency you don't have alot of, in exchange for time and effort you get experience, and you learn from experience more than you learn from books. Experience gets burned into your brain and memories, and teaches you quickly.
Just do it.
[–]sukka1130 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
good post man. Im 21 as well, and still a virgin cause i'm a devout catholic, I can sympathise. Why do you feel that you have to have sex? It sounds like you are after a genuine women, not some drunk slapper who will take her clothes off at the sound of a whistle.
If you really want a genuine girl, my advice to you is not to pick up bars or clubs. Meet women at art galleries, church or bookstores.
Your views are not stupid in the least sense of the word, kudos to you for not buying into the social habits of popular culture. If you have sex before you are married, you are something like 6 times more likely to get divorced, thats astounding....... I advise you don't get into the habit of sleeping around with random women for the sake of some temporary pleasure.. choose your woman wisely.
[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points-1 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Just do it. Shoot, I've gone up to a random girl in a bar without knowing her name or even saying anything and made out with her, and she was fine with it. At that point, how much can kissing mean? And please lose the idea that sexual technique is rocket science and women are an alien species you can't interact with. You can do this shit. No one is born doing it.
"I guess that we're going to have sex...but I could never ever go there"
I'm not even fucking with you...are you sure you're not gay? You seem to have so little interest in sex for its own sake and so many reasons why you can't have sex with a girl, that a person's gotta wonder.
[–]meta_asfuck 5 points6 points7 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Gay people have interest in sex. You're thinking asexual maybe.
But I've heard of closeted gay guys not admitting they like men but also avoiding sleeping w/ women.
[–]fabricateunknownness -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
ok - totally breaking my post silence just because i've read every single post here and i have to tell you - dude, you're overthinking the carnal. you may not think that word works for you, hell from your replies here i don't think it is what you're after, but here you go:
you sir are attempting to mount a horse before you put a saddle on it. you say you haven't done anything at all, you feel emasculated and awkward. you want a walkthrough, a Let's Play even, of exactly what a girl thinks of a virgin in all senses of the word possible.
the problem is that your girl/s is/aren't a knowable entity in this sense. i cannot with any certainty confirm any of what i'm about to say. however, my best assessment-
we. don't. care. honesty? go for it, it's cute, if you feel comfy saying you are honestly unsure about how to go about kissing her, or doing anything, yeah it'll change the dynamic but not necessarily negatively (had a boyfriend at 17 who was possibly more nervous than you. never been kissed either, so i just laughed and made the first move for him once he admitted it and we had a grand time. not a bad word to say about it, a fun relationship)
sexually, again, feel free to admit it. it feels very strange devirginising at first, like i felt i'd taken that "hollywood bullshit" moment from him and it meant nothing, but my 1st time meant nothing either, and it did not show up in his performance (appeared confident as, told me afterwards, great friends now). overthinking the carnal: its a no. you have plenty of time to develop traits and "moves" later on in your sexual career.
however, my main issue is your absolute clammed up approach to anything sexual or even romantic you have. it's cool not to want to pick up a random girl, it isn't for everyone, but random girl/FWB/relationship are really the only options you have. they all have their points but you seem more into the idea of a relationship. great! that girl you go on about, the intelligent cute one? you won't find out more about her until you really ask. if not, shame and move past it.
finally - there are some things girls keep sacrosanct about any dude, including sex. unless you cheat or do something else incredibly dickish. if she says she's had better then ask for some control, challenge her. she can rebuild you.
anyway, TL;DR - we don't care, it improves, honesty is cute (fuck "emasculating"), but take into consideration what you have stated here re. "girls you want to go for" a relationship sounds like your best bet, so start from the ground up. defeatism is a cycle.
[–]cody_au -4 points-3 points-2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm sure many of you guys who have been with a lot of women think I'm retarded or something. Do you guys think my views are stupid?
Yes.
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