This guy is a genius

SpiritualEnema · 2023-05-07T02:57:33+00:00

I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer, in my experience women have already made up their mind and left long before we ever find out. They’re already over the relationship when we are getting hit with the bombshell.

You also don’t want to set up circumstances where you’re always having to prove yourself to your wife. It’s emasculating and a recipe for resentments.

bnsrx · 2023-05-07T05:27:22+00:00

Huge red flags here.

"When a wife wants divorce, it’s because she does NOT believe you can truly change."

I heard something a while ago - "men spend their lives hoping their wives will stay the same, and women spend their lives hoping their husband will change."

Essentially, my wife spent our whole marriage trying to change me into some subservient version of the person she married. It's not possible. I've already lived ten incredible lives that I could never have predicted; settling down into suburban bliss and never going anywhere or doing anything isn't in the cards. So when she threatened divorce, I said ok, if that's what you really want, you should do it. What you liked about me ten years ago hasn't changed.

The mistake I made was not setting boundaries early, in the first couple of years when I was totally in love. You can't fix that later. If you try to change for her at that point, all she'll have for you is contempt.

314FinitePi · 2023-05-07T03:51:35+00:00

Well... this appears to be written by someone who has limited experience with women. They threaten, then they are fine, then the thtmreats, then fine again... rinse and repeat. This may work once, but then you need to be prepared to repeat these steps at any time she deems necessary. If you are ok being a simp for her, then by all means, follow these steps... for the rest of your life. Otherwise, drow a set, come to grips that she has already made the decision. She has most likely monkey branched to the next guy waiting in the wings. Very few women ask for a divorce until they have something else lined up. This will be a pattern that will repeat until you draw your last breath. Get out and get on with your life.

Of course I could be wrong. I am only basing this on my personal experience and those of every other man I have ever known. Good luck.

xadmin123 · 2023-05-07T05:41:43+00:00

Do not do this. This is not the way. When the wife wants a divorce, she checked out. Do not lose your self respect.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-05-07T03:05:55+00:00

The way women work is the reason reconciliation doesn't work. It's a joke and a huge waste of time. There is no need to keep us updated. We know how the story ends.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2023-05-07T07:21:37+00:00

Upvote all the comments. We all know how this story ends. The worst part , is that the man in retrospect wouldn’t be able justify having sat in this abusive relationship 2 years from now. The woman involved will teach him a bitter lesson he could easily just have learned on his own . Book appointment with a lawyer, an accountant, a therapist and a private investigator—-as she has already done. We all know how this story ends—you are not THAT unique.

rsmiley77 · 2023-05-07T14:14:14+00:00

Guys never listen to advice that is one sided. What exactly does the woman in this situation do to make things better?

Please remember there is no real difference in men and women above 20 years old when it comes to being overweight. Severely obese women nearly double the same metric in men. How many times do we get to judge them because they ‘appear’ not pleasing?

That type of shit and thinking is frustrating. When do we get to leave or cheat because they aren’t where they should be? It’s not right either way and it’s getting old us having to listen to random internet posts about the guy being 💯 percent the problem.

Adventurous_Rain_279 · 2023-05-07T10:05:19+00:00

What a stupid advice, unless you really neglected the marriage

Problem with this approach, is that if you just little bit gave up or have a bad day - she gonna punish you immediately

Don’t think you can trick her back. Stuff you described gonna only work if she still loves you, which is 90% not the case at this point

Not viable mate, don’t fool yourself You just gonna drag your feet

1Cobbler · 2023-05-07T13:19:29+00:00

My wife could do all these steps and I still wouldn't want that whore back. I'm not interested in jumping through hoops for her. She was 3/4 of our issues, she can get comfortable in the gutter as she's not leaving it anytime soon.

Certainly the first couple of steps are worth doing for yourself, but not to get "it" back.

Effective_Soil7645 · 2023-05-07T18:17:22+00:00

I'm glad things are going well for you and hope you succeed in preserving your marriage.

As for me, I'm glad thing didn't work out. Step 3 was the lynchpin. It took me a year to realize it, but even though I tried to reconcile, I was done. We literally spent all our time partying, because I was looking for some reason to stay with her. My ex has a personality disorder, and I knew she was never going to do anything to improve her situation. I didn't want to fight for the 'privilege' of raising my kids in the shadow of a pathetic loser/vengeful narcissist.

She always balmed me for not trying marriage counseling with her. Normally I would have avoided it because of the streottpe that the councilors side with the wife, but in my case it was the opposite. The councilors would side with me, and this would drive her into a rage. I didn't want to go through the 70 intake appointments it took to find someone who didn't immediately alienate or threaten her.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-05-07T20:47:11+00:00

This is written by a woman

Girl_Dad42 · 2023-05-07T13:02:33+00:00

All this doesn’t matter if they’re already sleeping with someone else.

ThatWideLife · 2023-05-07T21:09:18+00:00

So the advice is to become the absolute perfect husband and partner and hope she notices and changes her mind? Maybe that applies to husbands that are trash spouses but all I see is a very lopsided relationship where only one party is working on things and the other reaps all the rewards.

My entire marriage has only been about everything I do wrong and all the things she needs to be happy. She wants me to give her 110% and maybe if I'm lucky she'll consider giving something back only after she gets everything on her list that keeps growing and changing. That advice could literally be written by my wife since it's all about busting your ass to make your partner happy while getting nothing in return. That's not a good relationship, if both parties aren't working together to make the house and relationship happy it's never going to work.

Trick_Garbage9235 · 2023-05-07T04:53:40+00:00

When my wife asked for a divorce I kind of did that first step and stopped begging. We worked out some rules for coparenting and coliving as we could afford to have 2 houses. I said if we aren’t together then I’m not doing this, this and this so you need to, she said well then you need to do this and this. Anyway we both obliged and 6 weeks later we are back together and sleeping in the same bed. But now we both help out in the areas that we both were feeling resentful on. Not sure if it’ll last of course, but step 1 is very important, women don’t like a wuss

WildernessHuntin · 2023-05-07T14:04:50+00:00

It’s your marriage and your life. You have to do what you think will give you peace later, and if trying everything will do that then by all means go ahead with this plan. I can say that I’ve been there, a lot of guys on here have been there. What I have learned, and many here seem to have also learned, is that mostly when it reaches this point wives have been feeling this way for years. They have built up a narrative and a history of what you have done and how terrible you are. They have convinced themselves, true or not, that life would be happier without their husband. I can’t say for sure that this approach won’t work. None of us can. We don’t know your wife, your relationship, what has and hasn’t been said. I have tried this approach for a short while. I can say for me that I found after 2.5 months of a 3 month in home separation (an awful experience to someone still in love with their spouse by the way haha) that she requested, that for me the cost was simply to high. I could not respect myself and continue to be treated like nothing by someone I loved. I couldn’t try and save something she had obviously given up on. I also determined that from a logical perspective I was setting up a future situation where if we did reconcile I would be forever walking on eggshells, our relationship would have a power imbalance(with me on the bottom) just waiting for this to happen again anytime she got bad feelings. I truly believed eventually she would do this again, because I had made an implicit agreement with her by staying, “treat me however you want, I won’t go anywhere, I’ll be here waiting when you want to care again.” Lastly I considered that the longer we were separated and the sooner she found someone else and started to really move on the worse my financial settlement would be. The more she experienced the financial difficulties of not having my paycheck support the more she would want when divorce finally came after separation. I decided that the sooner I divorced the more likely I was to get a settlement that was fair. So after talking to her at 2.5 months in and letting her know I wasn’t willing to live this way, she begged to have 6 more months more of separation, where she could live separately to try and “fix” things. I think you can see where this would be headed. She wanted time to get her shit together and find someone or something else, it wasn’t about reconciling or fixing her marriage I don’t think. I told her that if that was her choice I was filing for divorce ( and I did so that week), and if she wanted to work on things after that, (when I didn’t have a metaphorical financial gun to my head) so be it. I will say she didn’t really want to work on things, why would she when she lost the last thing she really wanted from me, financial and physical security. This proved to me I made the right choice. I was polite to her, caring and concerned. I helped her move out while we were going through the divorce process, I helped her look for a place to live. I did this because I didn’t want to hate and resent her for the rest of our kids lives( I went through a time where I felt this way, I still feel angry and hurt sometimes when I’m not careful with my thoughts). I did this because it seemed kind, but also because I was thinking 20 years down the road. Kindness costs nothing, don’t be a pushover, be firm and resolute, but kind. I was thinking being kind now to this person who hurt me deeply will pay dividends in 20 years when I’m not still giving someone who has moved on a piece of my retirement etc. I believe by acting early and keeping things calm and business like I gained a settlement that is beneficial to me and my kids. I wrote the settlement and we settled out of court, it cost very little. I kept the house, I don’t pay alimony, I have 50/50 custody and I kept all my retirement accounts. She makes a third of what I do, and does not have a retirement yet. She is smart and educated and will do fine in life, but I don’t have to pay for her to be with someone else either. This was by far the worst and most difficult time in my life. Reading men’s stories on here helped me gain perspective, so I am sharing my story for you. I say this not to brag, because who would want to brag about losing someone you loved, it is still painful for me as I’m only 2 months out from my divorce. This is not anything I am proud of, or happy about. I’m saying this because we don’t know your life, we can’t tell you what you should do, it’s personal. I can only share my experiences and outcome to give you a point of reference in what I know is a terrible time. I say this because I truly believe that when she checked out I had to make a choice, try to save our marriage by myself, or choose to save myself and my future. I chose saving myself, as that is all the control we really ever have over anything in life, control over ourselves. ( A side note, as soon as this all started I found a therapist, a woman who helped me see that what my wife was asking for was irrational and unfair and I couldn’t make her change the way she feels. She helped me see that I was being weak by letting her walk all over me, she was harsh but it was true. I recommend therapy for anyone going through this). I hope the best for you.

Bipolar_investor · 2023-05-07T19:11:13+00:00

Who'll give me my 3mn back after reading through this garbage ? Simp world is trying more luring techniques on men.

Men walk away, because women are no good for them long-term.

n4l8tr · 2023-05-07T16:29:00+00:00

Sometimes we create ideological echo chambers for various reasons. Some out of experience, some to protect or egos, some because it becomes comforting or it’s comfortable. If this process works for you and you’re able to save your marriage and it’s able to flourish for both of you, congratulations. You and your spouse are a select few that pull through this. It’s not all your responsibility. It’s not all hers. In our limited experience (anecdotal experiences are the worst), we had both neglected our marriage for so long it seemed irreparable. We lived by and large separate lives. We neglected so much of our marriage our lives and the responsibility we had to our children. There are pathways through. You can start the process and it may get her attention or it may not. If it’s abusive that’s an entirely different situation. It’s a tough road. Either way. After 2 years of unbelievable conflict, living separate, upsetting the kids, the anger, the loathing, the trying to find any peace…ugghh. We still have a lot to work through. Only you determine whether it’s worth it. You both have to set and maintain your boundaries. Decide what direction your navigating your marriage relationship and move that direction. You’ll not get any closer than you are today without intentionality and effort. Take stock in where each of you invest your time and emotional energy. See if there’s any space left or margin. At least in my instance my wife wasn’t having an affair and she’s not abusive. I won’t go into specifics. Each person determines their own destiny. Sometimes stumbling blocks can become stepping stones. And sometimes they’re just a wake up call. Best of luck whatever path you choose. I still am completely uncertain where mine will end up but for now the fighting is gone, we’re trying to get to know this new person we both have become, and we’ve set a target for where we want our marriage to end up. Now it’s up to us to both move that direction. And we take it day by day, moment by moment. We can always walk away still. Cheers

libsreallybad · 2023-05-07T21:37:03+00:00

Never go back to a liar cheater and theif.

AffectionateAd6060 · 2023-05-07T02:41:43+00:00

I'd say that is pretty good advice to follow if you want a chance at reconciliation

silmarp · 2023-05-07T15:42:32+00:00

If you want to save you should stop doing that.

You should go out. Really.

There is a technique called the 180 and that's the technique you should be using. Don't do things easier to her. In fact you should be leaving home to have some fun, dress comfortable and use a bit of perfume. If possible date other girls(you are divorcing so it's not a problem, she is doing it too even if she's hiding). Don't hide that you are dating but also don't volunteer. Just get home happy and she will know. If she asks you tell her that's private time and you are of course dating.

Then file for divorce. Separate accounts(you can cancel the process anytime and you can just remarry if you really want to).

If yo are paying for her personal bills then stop. That's not your job anymore. You are only manly when you got your back to her.

ThatSeemsPlausible · 2023-05-08T01:00:21+00:00

I’ve listened to his podcasts, and checked out one of his books. For what it is worth, his advice isn’t unique, and has similarities to the Divorce 180, or to the Married Red Pill subreddit, except packaged with a humanity and compassion that doesn’t exist in that subreddit. Be attractive, don’t be unattractive, etc. I think his stuff is a great resource to help men feel empowered about their lives through a difficult situation.

I think the real value is in becoming the person you want to be, and giving it some time to see if that changes the relationship. Work on your own issues, stop being critical, take care of your responsibilities, etc. All good things to do whether you are with her or not.

In my case, it was a mixed bag and didn’t work out. I changed, and stopped doing the unattractive things and started doing attractive things. She found I’d changed and no longer wanted to leave. But she didn’t want to actually come back to the relationship herself. In my judgment, she wanted to stay in that place where I was doing all the right things and never asking much of her (because I was trying to give her space to decide to come back). She didn’t want to do any changing herself—said she’d be willing to try couples therapy again only if there was no expectation she’d make any change. And after giving it time, she made some decisions that didn’t work for me and I ended it.

I wish you the best of luck, regardless of how your marriage works out.

wisstinks4 · 2023-05-08T02:37:51+00:00

It feels like she is working you. Or you let her work you. Reconcile should be both parties putting in the work. If not… the guy is hosed.

Was the bad marriage all your fault or both of you share equal stake in breaking up a happy home.? This all sounds nice. I would go grey rock, go 180 and tell her in my head, fuck off. Be out of the house when not your kids day. Go meet new people. Eat better, go to gym, get new shirts and pants that make me look great to new babes. Show others your a catch. You are Worth it. Your attractive and stupid women will miss out. Just do the new you. Be safe out there. Go big.

RideATX · 2023-05-08T15:09:28+00:00

The only time this works is when her monkey branch falls through and she settles for you. Once it gets to the point that she says she wants a divorce then it's time to give it to her. She made a vow and if she is willing to break it or even threaten to break it then let her go to the streets.

Ok_Cardiologist_3404 · 2023-05-08T16:12:31+00:00

I think it really has to do with the personality of the male spouse to many times I found in trying to date. Men will not willingly sign the papers and longer marriages. It takes them a long time to let go of the fear of being alone. They feel that they are owed something by the female spouse at once out, and will make them suffer, or this could really simply be their life dream to be attached to a family under the eyes of God I guess or whatever spiritual nature and selfishly control every move to make sure they have their way i.e. if the woman is living in an apartment or with her parents she may be afraid to take him to court or to get an attorney, because the outcome of the type of personality of the male is he will drown her in debt. I think it’s an awful situation to go through in general and whoever has to experience it. I hope that they don’t run into people out there that will take advantage of you. I hope that they have a lot of support and find peace.

Title	This guy is a genius
Author	Long_Relief7489
Upvotes	0
Comments	43
Date	May 7, 2023 2:32 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13aa51a/this_guy_is_a_genius/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/this-guy-is-a-genius.1218568 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218568

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