Weaponized incompetence and assumed superiority

Magos00110001 · 2022-01-24T08:18:23+00:00

I think the issue here is one of base habits and the assumptions they build. The collision of two different people's sets of natural habits. The men in these relationships probably are just content with a less organized or less clean environment. The women aren't.

I can see how these women end up in an unhappy stalemate. If their partner simply does not care, then they will inevitably reach the point where they just do it themselves first.

Douglas0327 · 2022-01-24T13:46:40+00:00

Learned helplessness is a human behaviour.

I don't change the sheets every week 'cos I'm not that bothered, the wife is so she does it. Guess who cleans and maintains the bikes?

If your relationship is down to nitpicking at this level gtfot.

AdamChap · 2022-01-24T16:20:26+00:00

I personally can't count the number of times women in my family have manipulated me into doing manual labor that wasn't my responsibility whatsoever by pulling the "you're a strong young man" card and acting like any kind of work whatsoever would make them wither away.

Yeah my mother constantly comes up with awful DIY projects and ropes me in to them with some sexist line. The other day she used comments from somebody else to rope me in, claiming her friend told her that "I should be up that ladder and not her."

I turned around and said, "Yeah, it usually is the responsibility of the male to do those things but when they do they are often given the respect deserved for doing so and can do what needs doing without a back-seat driver the entire time"

Problem is she always has these ideas, always claims she'll do it herself, wastes my time by making me do what she wants (the other week I re-folded a ladder ten times into the same positions just to satisfy her.), and in the end claims she "did it all by herself"

On the other hand labour with my dad is a breeze. We just crack on and get things done.

When it comes to romantic partners I'd say a good 60% are by their own definition "useless". I mean, sure they are often a step above me in the house-work department but in all other avenues of life are pretty much "big kids".

I think the whole "women lording it over men" thing is something society allows like women hitting men. It's weak. They have small fists, and they have small amounts of evidence for their supremacy. "Oh wow you organized the living room table better than I ever could, I am totally lost without you"

TimothyGonzalez · 2022-01-24T11:39:11+00:00

Why when men are incompetent at cleaning tasks it is "Weaponised Incompetence" - but when many women are unable to do basic DIY tasks like changing a fuse or using power-tools, nobody would call it that.

On average, men and women tend to have different strengths and areas they focus on in the household.

It's so tiring that this is once again made into this gendered thing that men get blamed for.

sorebum405 · 2022-01-24T15:25:45+00:00

I think these women are framing this phenomenon as something that is gendered, because they are only looking at how there affected, and not doing any self-reflection.I bet you these same women are guilty of doing similar things they complain about their boyfriends doing.It's kind like how feminist complain about how women do more "unpaid labor" while ignoring a lot of the forms of unpaid labor men do, and ignoring the fact that men do more paid labor which helps to cover living expenses.

Flaktrack · 2022-01-24T13:30:38+00:00

My wife definitely does not wash the dishes as thoroughly as I do. While unlikely, I thought she might be doing it as a form of this "weaponized incompetence".

Turns out she was just washing stuff in water that was too oily.

When it comes to messy things, it's usually not because they expect you to clean, they just don't care at all. As someone with ADHD that is a real damn struggle and I have to work so hard to keep my workspace clean (I do computer builds and repairs as a side gig). I struggle to have similar energy applied to things like my clothes because I'm already so drained, so I just leave them in the bin and fold a few things at a time.

My wife doesn't like it but she accepts it... most of the time.

RockmanXX · 2022-01-24T15:02:43+00:00

I will never understand this stereotype of "men don't do housework", we're the ones expected to move heavy furniture, paint the walls, fix the furniture, plumbing, electric fittings, remodel the bathroom etc etc How come this doesn't count as "Housework"?

There were thousands of comments of women saying to leave the boyfriend

I can't help but chuckle at this, dump your BF because he doesn't close the shower curtain.

Sydnaktik · 2022-01-24T07:34:44+00:00

Exactly. It's not a gendered phenomenon. It's a messy vs tidy personality situation. Arguably, men are more likely to be the messy ones. I don't actually know the statistics.

If you've never really cared about doing a thing, even a very simple sounding thing you're likely to mess it up.

If you have ADD, you're pretty much guaranteed to fail a task that you're not motivated to perform no matter how simple it is.

So there's plenty of legitimate reasons to fail at a simple task.

That said, feigning incompetence at a task on purpose so you won't be asked to do it again is a universal tactic used by all sorts of people in all sorts of circumstances.

This is part of the mainstream feminist tactic of gendering something that does not need to be gendered. Blowing out of proportion a possibly less than 100% ethical behavior and placing a magnifying glass on men to ensure that they never do it.

So in addition to generalizing and vilifying men. It also continues to ensure that men are rendered impotent by removing tools they may use (even if said tools aren't perfectly ethical) to have some power in their daily lives.

This contributes to a power imbalance between men (whose action's are hyper policed) and women (who are free to continue to use less that perfectly ethical behaviors, even subconsciously or unknowingly of the fact that it is unethical, for their own benefit).

QuasimodosPrediction · 2022-01-24T17:04:20+00:00

I've never lived with a woman but I've had plenty of roommates, both messy and tidy. I don't see this as only a gendered issue. Cleanliness and tidiness standards are all over the place. For instance, there are people out there who flip out over a single item left out of place yet they haven't mopped their floor in 6 months.

It's a respect and accountability issue between individuals sharing a space. Expectations for what the space should look like need to be agreed upon, communicated, and acted upon if you want to prevent nagging. Otherwise, someone will have to accommodate for someone else.

TheLWMA · 2022-01-24T08:54:34+00:00

Weaponized Incompetence is simply a tactic used for emotional abuse. As a concept, it has even less merit than Emotional Labor.

Beljuril-home · 2022-01-24T18:54:40+00:00

The kind of unpaid labour men do is different than the unpaid labour women do. Example:

Men spend considerably more time commuting to work than women.

https://www.aei.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/CommuteTime2018.png?x91208

If men work more hours, plus commute more hours, then maybe that should be accounted for in these kind of discussions.

For example - where does "commuting time" fall in the following study - not under paid work, and not under housework. It must be counted as leisure time then. Also - where does non-paid career work fall - after hours work related emails and such. Because I'm betting men do more of that too.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-6-time-in-work-and-leisure-patterns-by-gender-and-family-structure/

coffeeinvenice · 2022-01-24T10:41:56+00:00

It's using housework to bully a partner. Pure and simple. Enough men have lived on their own before getting married or moving in with someone that we all know how to do housework now. If I were to meet a guy who doesn't know how to do his own laundry or wash the dishes, I'd be very surprised.

There is a simple cure for housework bullying. Get up one weekend morning at 5 am, do the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum the house, feed the kids, make the place beautiful from top to bottom. When she gets up, kick her out of the house and order her to mow the lawn and clip the hedges.

Tell her she's not allowed back in the house until she's finished and has done the job to your satisfaction.

Readshirt · 2022-01-24T10:01:08+00:00

Agree with the other comments in here that this is a way to justify nagging or emotionally abusing someone into getting them to do things your way.

I would add that it would be interesting to see what these people say about women being "incompetent" at typically male tasks. Doing DIY around the house, fixing the car, getting rid of spiders lol. I suppose in general there is no room for women to feign incompetence at these tasks because they will not even be willing to attempt them.

SchalaZeal01 · 2022-01-24T14:58:39+00:00

I could say the messy one should make effort on the food angle. Not empty glasses, but actual food left on dishes or in rooms on random furniture, and to do the dishes once in a while (ideally done once a day for the household). Both to not have moldy food rotting on the dishes/furniture (this attracts vermin and insects, actual mold is bad for your lungs), and to have actual clean dishes to eat and drink with. The rest all comes down to preferences.

TomJCharles · 2022-01-24T22:20:37+00:00

There are a lot of problems with this concept and especially how people have been applying it and talking about it.

My biggest problem with this phenomenon is the assumed superiority of women in relationships and how women typically behave (or at least, how the typical woman is being portrayed in these posts). What prompted me to make this post was seeing a meme on instagram of a girlfriend complaining about her boyfriend leaving a damp towel on their bed, leaving clothes outside their hamper, leaving cabinets open, leaving the shower curtain open, and putting toilet paper on top of the roller. There were thousands of comments of women saying to leave the boyfriend, calling men children or lazy, and otherwise engaging in lots of anti-male discussion.

My confusion arises from the fact that the way the girlfriend does things... is just assumed to be superior? The only act out of that entire list that I find even remotely objectionable is the damp towel, because it won't dry that way. But leaving cabinets open or clothes on the floor? Does that hurt anybody? What is the actual reason why leaving the toilet paper on the shelf is "bad"?

Yes. Women have the potential to do these things just as much. Men are not inherently slobs and women are not inherently neat.

Hoarding, for instance, occurs equally in men and women. This would be a good place to start as a way to show an extreme behavior that both sexes engage in. That's an easy way to combat this nonsense that I can think of off the top of my head. When one partner begins hoarding behavior and won't get help, it can absolutely destroy a marriage.

And why don't women put the toilet seat up when they're done at least 50% of the time? What's with this lazy assumption that the man should always leave it down...for them?

AKA, these women are being hypocritical.

It was predicted long ago (by very intelligent women, too) that feminism would eventually go extreme.

Looks like it's happening.

Weaponized (fill in blank) is just the new 'toxic masculinity.'

I think a lot of women are operating under the assumption that men "have" to marry them. But...they don't owe us children, certainly, and we don't owe them marriage. That's feminism.

What...are...they...thinking?

Do they not realize they're giving these red pill guys ammo when they do this stuff?

I will say this: the phrase 'Smart men don't get married' may become a truism at this rate.

AskingToFeminists · 2022-01-24T11:00:08+00:00

Basically, it's once again a case of ignoring what's recommended by psychology/what psychology has to say about the phenomenon, taking an abusive approach, mixed along with, no doubt, a good dose of projection.

CyclopeWarrior · 2022-01-24T19:10:41+00:00

Like you mentioned, it's ironic and actually expected that women blame men for tactical incompetence, when it's their main go to tactic in avoiding any responsability directly.

Cearball · 2022-01-24T22:50:47+00:00

As soon as DIY needs doing I have found that incompetence card gets slammed down like we playing snap.

TRDF3RG · 2022-01-24T22:57:58+00:00

Yeah, the whole domestic labor argument that 3rd wave feminists make is ridiculous. Men and women are different. We like different things. We clean differently. We plan parties differently. We're different. It's okay. We should work together to find a compromise that works for both sides, rather than center the argument around women's values and then criticize men for not holding those values. It's funny how many women preach tolerance and empathy until they're asked to tolerate and empathize with men. So let's celebrate diversity and make an effort to get along with each other.

ARX7 · 2022-01-25T03:13:35+00:00

I've only ever had issues with women leaving the toilet lid up, and they were super aggro when I told them.to put it down, because clearly they're right....

Grow_peace_in_Bedlam · 2022-01-25T18:02:07+00:00

It's yet one more example of assuming malicious intent on the part of men instead of asking us about our lived experience and motives and listening to us. Lack of respect for men's inner life is extremely pervasive.

a-man-from-earth · 2022-01-24T16:18:35+00:00

This isn't a gendered problem, and I actually fail to see the relevance to the sub.

Beljuril-home · 2022-01-24T21:19:38+00:00

Also:

No one is talking about how unfair it is to compare unpaid labour to paid labour.

Even those who strongly assert that women do more unpaid labour then men have to admit that:

1) Men do more paid labour than women.

2) Paid vs unpaid labour is often an apples to oranges comparison.

To be overly reductive: How many hours of working in a coal mine equals one hour of vacuuming?

If a coal miner works 40 hours a week in the mines and does 10 hours a week of "housework" while his wife does 40 hours a week of "housework" and 20 hours a week as a cashier is this fair?

I mean technically... the woman is "working more".

Personally, I'd rather work longer hours doing the less dangerous/life-shortening/physically demanding labour.

ScoobyCute · 2022-01-25T04:40:52+00:00

“Men are still the majority of workers in relationships.”

Huh?!?! Never been in a relationship with a man where both of us didn’t have a full time job. Also never met any couple where both didn’t work full time, at least in the US. Maybe you’re talking about people who are independently wealthy. But most people in today’s society work full-time, both men and women. There may be slightly more men who work than women, and this is likely due to the fact that kids need childcare and childcare is ridiculously expensive in the US, to the point where it’s more cost-effective for one partner to do labor at home instead of labor at a company. But in a relationship that doesn’t involve marriage…like, no. Boyfriends don’t financially support their girlfriends a majority of the time unless you count paying for the Chipotle on date night every so often. This just doesn’t make sense.

theulysses · 2022-01-25T03:44:24+00:00

I’m thinking about all the things my wife does and doesn’t do. Like the shit that I consistently need to make disappear because if it weren’t for me we’d live in a dump. Or taking care of anything related to the exterior of the house, our automobiles, our long-term finances, things that many (not all) women do not seem predisposed to do. If she has to empty a couple bathroom trash bins or close a cupboard door, so be it. She knows for the most part we both pull our weight in different ways. The women who are “weaponizing incompetence” online are simply toxic. There’s a lot of them. They think what they’re doing is somehow “better” or “more” but I’ve seen enough women’s houses to know that plenty of them couldn’t tell their heads from their assholes in terms of home maintenance. It’s like the 75 year old widow who plants beautiful roses out front while the rest of her house slowly rots. Take a walk around the neighborhood, they’re easy to spot.

No-Surround6670 · 2022-01-28T01:54:47+00:00

Women talk about incompetence as in things like: the father not making food for him and his kids because his wife is gone so he'll wait however late till she gets home because 'he doesnt cook', it also looks like guys sitting and playing video games all day while the woman does ALL of the house work and its 'justified' because the man can simply change the oil in her car etc, it also looks like women planning and organizing everything around the house, dinners, getting the kids ready for school, literally feeding themselves, washing their own laundry etc, again it also looks like (from personal experience from my dad) not cleaning up after a pet because its gross so you leave the throw up or shit on the ground until the woman gets home so she can clean it. The OP talks mainly about household chores but its a lot more than that, its emotional AND physical incompetence in and out of the house, usually in my experience women have had talks w their partners about it and the men either say okay for them to stop talking, they dont do better at all, or they do better for a week and go back to old habits, lots of women make known their issues, some over and over, there is as most of you should know the stereotype about men wanting mothers and not wives

MathematicianNo4277 · 2022-01-28T20:18:01+00:00

My husband was the tidy one, I was the messy one. There was a (metaphorical) arms race and I won it. We are not both the messy one.

We both believe this was the best course of events. He was the tidy one because his dysfunctionnal family environment had locked him in a obsession for conformity and other people's approval.

This whole nagging wife thing is often the symptom of something problematic. A controlling personality, anxiety, an inability to communicate in the couple... or a rigid and constraining idea of gender role reinforced by the very people who claim to fight it.

Ok-Fennel-9269 · 2025-03-31T14:36:23+00:00

It's weaponized criticism imo, they want to feel superior and in charge, and it's a way to manipulate you and make you feel inferior. Especially in the last year most women uses the term weaponized incompetence, just like many also accuse their exes of being narcsissists, sometimes they say the weaponized incompetence is a form of the narcissism without realizing they're the ones constantly putting down their man, and trying to control them.

Look at the double standard of women not wanting their men to go out is "yass queen, respect your boundaries!" Compared to if a man does it to a woman. They literally do the things to men they claim is controlling, and some might say abusive depending on context when it's men. I say this as a gay man who, over the years, has witnessed many female friends do this type of shit. And seeing it all over social media has honestly made me weary of women altogether, as even with each other, it ends up being a contest of who can manipulate who better.

Aggravating_Air2378 · 2025-12-10T20:33:28+00:00

There is space for both. Weaponized incompetence is something that anyone can learn. Its commonly known some women pretend not to know how to do stuff to get a mans help. It is also my dad who only has problems and never solutions, shoots down everyones solutions but cant figure out basic stuff, blames someone else and demands my mom or I to do it/pay for it. I've seen women do it too, that doesnt need to be debated. Individual situations need to be dealt with accordingly, of course not everybody is weaponizing incompetence like we arent all sociopaths either. I think we all can think of at least one friend or relative we know who does this. I sure do.

Comments