Is it wrong for me to ask my prom date to pay for her ticket?

carbonnanotube · 2012-04-11T01:24:58+00:00

Have her pay for her own, $100 is a lot of money for an 18 year old. She will understand, and if she does not she is not the kind of person you want to continue dating.

SarahC · 2012-04-11T02:16:12+00:00

Chivalry is bullshit. You don't want to be overly strict about exact 50-50 splitting, but both sides of the relationship should be contributing approximately equally. (especially monetarily and before marriage)

You should never be afraid or uncomfortable to bring this point up, girls that don't agree with this aren't worth your time.

Falkner09 · 2012-04-11T06:40:35+00:00

Damn that costs too much, glad I never went to prom.

Anyway, I think this is one of the most overlooked issues in gender equality. Being gay, i always forget it exists. But it's ironic, because the idea that men should be breadwinners is what tends to encourage unequal pay for the sexes. If men are expected to pay for women, then it's a simple mathematical fact that men must have more money than women to do so. So in order for women to have equal pay, it's simple mathematical fact that the idea of men as breadwinners would need to die out.

Too many people who are upset about a certain gender role never seem to realize that the existence of one gender role necessarily means the other gender is also placed in a role opposite to it. one gender does not exist without another. for there to be equality, both roles must be broken and both sexes allowed to make their own roles in life as they see fit.

wow that sounded more profound than I thought it would. bed now.

David_Fatrelle · 2012-04-11T02:10:19+00:00

To be completely honest I think you should also ask this on /r/AskWomen. In this situation I think it might be good to hear from both sides. They won't necessarily tell you that you should pay for it just because you're a guy. They're surprisingly well rounded over there. Just my thoughts. Personally I find no problem with you asking her to pay for it.

TheIllogical · 2012-04-11T04:58:54+00:00

Mine refused to let me pay

2012-04-11T03:12:50+00:00

No, relationships are supposed to be a team effort. If she's not willing to pay half, she's just using you and thus not worth your time.

hardwarequestions · 2012-04-11T01:28:10+00:00

Can you? Of course. Can you without it ending the relationship? Depends on the relationship.

Maybe you buy the tickets and ask her to get something else. The limo? Hotel room if you do that? Some other event?

2012-04-11T01:58:08+00:00

For an event like a prom, which both parties probably would have gone to anyway, it doesn't make sense for one party to pay for both tickets. If this was you asking her to pay for some expensive event she would not have otherwise gone to I guess you should pay.

2012-04-11T05:32:24+00:00

You could always try to split the cost in other ways, that way it seems like you are both treating each other to something. What my (at the time) gf and I did was this:
Me - Tickets, Tux, Dinner
Her - Limo, Pictures, Dress
It's not the perfect solution but it worked well for us. Another thing to remember is that girls usually fork out a lot more for a dress than the tux rental and pay to get their hair done. At the end of the day, you may both be putting in roughly the same amount for this.

eirawyn · 2012-04-11T05:51:51+00:00

This question surprises me – is this the norm now? I only graduated from high school 3 years ago and there was no expectation whatsoever to pay for your prom date's ticket. Maybe it's because of where I live (Canada). I'm a woman.

As others have said, if she can't understand paying for her own ticket, she's not the type of person you want to date.

2012-04-11T02:14:58+00:00

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kragmoor · 2012-04-11T03:09:06+00:00

no she should buy her own ticket

2012-04-11T05:28:14+00:00

Use it as a shit test, if she ain't willing to pay her way she ain't worth the time.

ShystemSock · 2012-04-11T02:30:56+00:00

Last time I checked it takes two to tango. Split the bill halfway, these are hard times.

PellagiusTheSane · 2012-04-11T03:04:24+00:00

Prom tickets are $70.00 now? Damn. Yeah, I'm going to have to say that you ask her to pony up for her own ticket. I mean, you are taking care of dinner too right? I think that's fair.

Be warned though, this has a huge chance of backfiring. You have to be prepared to go alone and possibly catch some shit from her about being broke and/or cheap. Who knows though, she could understand and you'll have a great time. I wish you the best.

Vulpis · 2012-04-11T03:37:19+00:00

If I go eat at a restaurant with my friends, we almost always split the bill evenly. It makes no sense for just one of us to pay, even if we switch back and forth. You pay for your share, she pays for her own. If you know she doesn't have a lot of money, and you can afford it, then consider buying it for her.

2012-04-11T01:57:53+00:00

I agree with you. There's no reason why you should have to pay for her stuff. It's not ok for anyone to try to "put you in your place" as the provider. Paying for your own stuff while she pays for her's is perfectly reasonable.

lemhi_divide · 2012-04-11T01:36:40+00:00

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sforzare · 2012-04-11T03:52:42+00:00

I also think it's unfair for one person, be it man or woman, to pay for everything in a relationship. And honestly, (in high school especially) I never actually even considered not going Dutch on things like prom tickets (I was a girl asking a guy to the prom, I'm not sure how different that makes the situation)... or anything else, for that matter. If a person wants to buy something for their date, then that's fine, but I definitely don't think it should be an expectation.

OhSoWitty · 2012-04-11T06:01:57+00:00

It depends on if you're planning on getting some afterwards. Your odds go down drastically if you make her pay for the ticket. I know this might not be the popular answer, but it's true.

TheeCandyMan · 2012-04-11T06:47:56+00:00

Prom is $125 each so $250 total where I am. My girlfriend and I are splitting it though.

But yes I do think it should be acceptable for you to ask for her to pay for her own ticket. She might not react as she ought to though.

VeggiePetsitter · 2012-04-11T06:57:57+00:00

I'm female. For first dates, I usually prefer something inexpensive where we can each buy our own thing (coffee works well). For established relationships, splitting the bill every time just seems too obsessive and tacky. I subscribe more to the attempt to roughly alternate paying and each be aware of your contributions method. Alternately you can go with the whoever asks pays, but it only works well if you do an equal amount of asking. I always prefer to be clear when making plans if one of us is expecting to split the bill so there's no awkwardness.

For prom, be aware that she'll probably spending $150 on a dress she'll never wear again (or up to $350 depending on her tastes and spending ability, though it could also be as cheap as $50 if she's broke or has tastes for poor quality dresses). She'll also be paying for hair and makeup - even if she's not hiring pros for it, she'll likely need a new shade of eye shadow, a new tool, or new hair clips. While these may not seem necessary to you, they're part of the prom experience and part of what society expects of her.

If you actually can't afford prom for both of you, I might suggest a compromise where she pays for her ticket and you buy the two of you dinner. Dating shouldn't be about keeping a tally of who has done what. It should be about having fun and getting to know one another and it's nice to treat your partner to a meal or be treated to a meal no matter what gender you are.

TheBauhausCure · 2012-04-11T03:09:22+00:00

Could you maybe compromise? Have her buy her own ticket, but pay for her dinner? I mean, I usually pay for all my own stuff, but if you are asking her on a FIRST date, it might be nice to pay for her dinner. She can't expect you to pay 70 dollars for a ticket, though. Any good girl would understand that.

2012-04-11T04:29:12+00:00

If she pays, she wants to fuck you. If you pay, you're asking to get fucked in a bad way.

Or, more realistically- if she's willing to contribute at least a portion of cost according to her ability, she's entertaining the idea of a tighter relationship with you at some point in the future. If she feels entitled to milk you for money to cater to her whims, and you let her, it will be your undoing, and not just with her.

Perhaps consider who has the better job/more money, and if she does, ask her to split. If you do, ask her to pay the $30 dinner while you get the $70 tickets. That way you both still get some validation and it's not a big "thing" (keeping track of nickels and dimes is kind of cheesy.)

Legolas-the-elf · 2012-04-11T12:04:34+00:00

It depends on your relationship. If it's completely one-sided, then yes, that's unfair. If there's give and take, then it's reasonable. For example, if you pay for this, then she takes you out for the day on your next date, as long as it roughly evens out over time, that's fine. Not each and every thing has to be split down the middle so long as you are equals in the relationship, and watching every penny can quickly get annoying.

However what you have to remember is that it's an unpleasant fact of life that people often don't treat each other fairly. Even if you're absolutely in the right for asking to split the cost, you can still get treated like shit for it. You are held to a different standard by some people because you are a man.

And honestly, even a relatively fair-minded woman, especially when it comes to something traditional like this, can say that it's fine, then have it in the back of her mind from that point forward, inadvertently colouring her opinion of you, especially when she sees all her friends get their tickets paid for by their dates. She's only human, and some of the social pressures on her you'll be completely oblivious to, and they can take their psychological toll. People don't just decide to be sexist, it's built up gradually and subtly reinforced by other people's opinions.

And it's not just her you need to think about - she'll undoubtedly mention it to her friends, and even if she thinks it's fair, some of them won't. You could get shit from them too.

If you think you're being treated unfairly, then yes, you should stick up for yourself. But do it in the knowledge that the deck is very much stacked against you on this one.

skidude2000 · 2012-04-11T04:13:14+00:00

I'd say, if you asked her out to prom, then pay for her ticket. If you really like this girl, there's absolutely nothing "wrong" paying for her ticket. It is the nice thing to do. If you really can't afford it, then be honest with her. Perhaps she can pay half the ticket price. But don't think that paying for her ticket is pushing you or her into some mold where you are the "breadwinner" and she is the "housewife." It's just prom, dude; don't over think it.

2012-04-11T01:42:43+00:00

Man, prom never made a whole lot of sense to me. So cheesy, so expensive. I went my junior year and was lucky enough to have a girlfriend at another school in my senior year who was OK with not going to my school's prom.

It's such a huge expense for one night that honestly just doesn't matter that much. It's HUGE overkill and she should have to pay for her ticket if you do not feel comfortable paying for hers. Honestly looking back I wish I had just said "fuck this let's do it as cheap as possible and still have a shit load of fun." It's not unreasonable at all to ask her to pay for her ticket, just do it kindly.

"Hey prom date, I know a lot of girls expect their dates to buy their ticket but I'm just a little squeezed to be able to buy you a $70 ticket, it's nothing to do with my feelings for you." If she has a problem then tell her to fuck off.

rightsbot · 2012-04-11T01:22:18+00:00

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ruffian45 · 2012-04-11T03:51:14+00:00

It's wrong to ASK. It's correct to TELL her that she's paying for it herself. Do not beg.

Gurnsey_ · 2012-04-11T01:59:57+00:00

Honestly, as much as I love this subreddit, you're gonna get a biased opinion here.

There are a couple things I want to point out, I don't think it's right for a man to pay for everything in a relationship. I have friends that pay for meals, drive their girlfriends everywhere, buy clothes, movie tickets, everything. I don't believe in that, and I've made it very clear to the girls I've dated that I will not ever put myself in that position.

However, girls tend to love tradition, and being treated nicely, even if just once in a while (which is how it should be). If we are going out on a first date, anniversary date or another big event related to our relationship, you can bet your ass I'm paying for it. If we go out on a Tuesday night for sandwiches? She knows we're splitting the bill, no arguments.

That being said, there's a difference between not wanting to feel like an ATM in a relationship, and just being cheap. If I were you, I would suggest either paying for the entire thing, or do what I did in high school where my girlfriend had paid for the tickets and I paid for the dinner (tickets were 70, dinner was 100). But I wouldn't have done that had I not known her as well as I had.

Edit: There's also a difference in not wanting to pay it, and not having the money to pay for it. If it's the latter, then I fully believe it's a 50/50 split.

Double Edit: I went with a friend to homecoming one year and we both paid for our own stuff completely. Everything I said was in relation to a girl you are dating, or trying to date.

MattNextus · 2012-04-11T02:21:06+00:00

I paid for my prom date's tickets. That being said, I took a gay guy to prom (myself being lesbian) because I couldn't get a date. I felt it was fair, since he was still a year younger than me. However, he then wouldn't let me pay for anything else the rest of the night. He paid for dinner (For him, me, AND my mom) and everything else we did.

Basically, I think it all depends on the situation. I think it's fair to split the cost evenly, but most women don't think like that, for whatever reason.

bellzook · 2012-04-11T04:13:06+00:00

2012-04-11T06:45:26+00:00

i hate the "what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine" philosophy that a lot of women have. there's no reason you shouldn't split the whole cost.

2012-04-11T07:06:44+00:00

Gender roles in America have been blending for some time now with respect to who is supposed to be "breadwinners" as you say, which is a good thing. Just wanted to throw that out there.

ajleece · 2012-04-11T08:57:56+00:00

There's a difference between gender equality and just being plain nice.

If she refuses to purchase her own ticket because she is a woman and think she deserves $100 of free prom, that's plain wrong. However, if you want to show what she means to you through buying her a ticket, that's plain nice.

It works the other way, too. Straight up asking her to buy her own ticket because she is a woman and you do not condone feminist expected chivalry, is not very nice. But if $100 is too much for you and you ask her politely to pay for her own, or if you are wanting things to be paid fairly, you are being nice and it is fine. If she does not accept due to expectations of feminist driven chivalry, she's not worth it.

InfinitelyThirsting · 2012-04-11T17:55:33+00:00

Eh. I'm a 24 year old woman, and when I was a senior in high school I paid for my date's ticket because he was a year younger and couldn't buy his own anyways, by school policy. And no one cared. It really depends on where you are, for how your local society looks at it.

Bobsutan · 2012-04-11T19:23:20+00:00

Approach it as a group thing and break it down how much it is per person.

"Okay, we've got 8 people going in the limo, dinner is a fixed rate, and tickets are x. That breaks down to $xxx dollars a person. I'll make all the reservations and will need everyone's money by Friday."

Taking the emphasis off the individual and placing it on the group in such a manner implies each person owes their fair share. If your date assumes you're paying for her half you can play the indignant card for her being so presumptuous/entitled.

2012-04-29T03:30:26+00:00

I had the opposite, I am a girl... My boyfriend was complaining about the cost of prom (tickets are $55, includes dinner,) and I offered to pay for my ticket. He seemed offended and said no, then still complained about it. It's frustrating.

jackattack502 · 2012-04-11T01:44:16+00:00

As much as i would want to see the world function in a fair way, it does not. This may seem minor, and even if she takes it to be a reasonable request, it will not sit well with her. $100 dollars is a lot of money, and if you CAN'T pay for it, then you have to explain that. If you are trying to be cheap, don't. Being a cheap date doesn't bode well for relationships, especially the beginning. In the end, you may want things here. Dates, a healthy conversation, sex, and love and friendship are all part of a healthy relationship. A feeling of security, someone to cry on, and rely on, is part of what women seek in men. Paying for her ticket will pay dividends in that regard IF what you want is a relationship, or even just her to put out at the end of the night.

That being said, my girlfriend and i came up with a clever scheme to get a limo for free. You need a somewhat large group of friends, or at least people who you are aquainted with to make a large party. Rent a party bus. They have lots of room, sound systems, all that shit. Get as many people on board as you can, so that cost per person goes down. Divide the cost by the members of your party NOT INCLUDING YOU AND YOUR DATE. If everyone pays in, then you two get a limo for free, which might convince your date to pay for her ticket, or at least save you the money to buy it yourself.

Gopokes34 · 2012-04-11T02:59:17+00:00

I think pay because it is chivalry and some things are just freaking nostalgic.

koncept61 · 2012-04-11T20:11:54+00:00

Usually I'm all for equality, but in this instance, I would bite the bullet and pay. That way she won't feel like the only girl who had to go dutch on prom.

tiffanydisasterxoxo · 2012-04-11T02:13:46+00:00

I think the person that invited the other person out should pay their way. If she asked you out, she should pay, not you... since you asked her out you should pay, not her. She didn't ask you to buy her dress, you asked her to this event to be with you..so you pay for her to be there with you. If she had invited you to go with her, she should pay for you.

Liverotto · 2012-04-11T10:01:55+00:00

You want to pay for her, so she will feel she owes you something, you dummy virgin.

2012-04-11T04:19:17+00:00

Women LOVE chivalry, but when it comes down to it, asking for her to pay for her own ticket could end badly. Anywhere from her dumping you on the spot to not getting sex after prom (I would take the break up 9 times out of 10)

miss_kitty_cat · 2012-04-11T04:43:34+00:00

Hi, woman here. It's not a question of "wrong" or "right". How much do you want to go with her? How likely is she to say yes? Is it a long shot for her to go out with you? If so, then you should offer to pay, because you want her to say yes.

If you are clearly "just friends", then split the bill. If it's a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, then you should be comfortable enough to have a candid conversation about the cost.

I think a lot of time it's more about HOW you ask than anything. If you go in with a chip on your shoulder, like "hey, it's not fair if I have to pay," then she'll probably be turned off. It's supposed to be a relationship, not a business transaction. If it were me, I might be more like "Hey, this is going to set us back $200, how do you want to split it up?"

I am a STRONG believer that whoever invites, pays. I tend to ask guys out first, because I am not shy and I know what I like. So I usually pay for the first date. Personally, I've always enjoyed the feeling of taking someone out, paying for everything, spoiling him a little, making him feel special, etc. It also means I get to pick the restaurant AND I don't have to worry that he'll think I "owe him something" at the end. But hey, that's me.

CharlieTango · 2012-04-11T05:25:54+00:00

If youre going as friends: ask her to pay for something. Maybe you buy tickets and she handles transportation or something. If youre going as a date: pay for her If youre in a relationship: up to you

masuabie · 2012-04-11T07:51:48+00:00

If you want to be more then friends, offer to pay for her ticket. She has the chance to offer to pay half. If you don't like her that way, equal split costs it is.

Sadiebb · 2012-04-11T02:23:30+00:00

You're not wrong, you're just doomed. Sexually, I mean.

Ps. Did I pay for my own prom ticket? Yes.

Did he get laid? No.

Title	Is it wrong for me to ask my prom date to pay for her ticket?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	43
Comments	172
Date	April 11, 2012 1:20 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/s3k6s/is_it_wrong_for_me_to_ask_my_prom_date_to_pay_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/is-it-wrong-for-me-to-ask-my-prom-date-to-pay-for.1024287 https://theredarchive.com/post/1024287

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