Normalise telling men to just shut up

miwamus · 2022-03-20T23:52:58+00:00

The last date that I went on the guy monologued for 20 minutes before I left and unmatched. He matched me again and wrote a long message about how he had so much fun and asked if we could do it again.

I’ll try “shut up” next time.

katiekat0214 · 2022-03-21T00:28:39+00:00

I'm to the point now in my life where I count how many times I say filler words like okay, I see, mm hm. I get to three, and that's it. I find a reason or make an excuse to leave. I've realized the moment I'm even tempted to ask, do you have any questions for me?, the conversation is hopelessly one-sided, with no hope of mutuality and reciprocity. Throw the convo and the man in the trash, and go elsewhere. Watching paint dry by that time would be vastly preferable. Paint is QUIET.

Maleddie · 2022-03-21T00:08:16+00:00

There's a guy at work I avoid talking to where I can because he will talk AT you for the longest time. No self-awareness at all. But the other day he told me I was one of his favourite people in the office. My heart sank.

katiekat0214 · 2022-03-21T00:36:46+00:00

Story time: I've told this one before, but it bears repeating. Years and years ago, at my first school in California, there was an older, taller, skinnier man who talked AT me, never with me or to me. I highly suspect since I was over 400 lbs at the time, and shorter than he, plus female, he just didn't have much respect for me, did not think I was at all bright, cue all the stereotypes.

Several times he would just word vomit on me, and turn away. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? It wasn't mutual, or reciprocal, or a conversation. It was a crumb of attention, patronizing as hell, annoying as fuck, and just all around shitty. A couple of times I tried to engage him, and he literally looked over my head for the next available man he wanted to talk to. I was so, so done.

I decided to confront, thought about it long and hard, roleplayed in my mind all the possible defensive things he might say. He and I both had the same prep period, so I went in when he was alone, and basically said, I've noticed you talk at me, not with me. I don't like it when you just spew a comment at me, and turn around and walk off. I find it disrespectful, and it stops now, here, today. Speak with me, speak to me, or don't speak at all. (OF COURSE he chose never to speak to me again, because how dare an object actually make demands. How dare a fat woman self-advocate. How dare... you get the picture.)

And for 10 minutes, he just SPEWED defensiveness. I talked over him and never shut up, just repeating over and over and over, "I'm not done. I have more to say." OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER. Absolutely power, dominance, control, so not a surprise. Finally he ran out of steam, and I said, "Ya done now?" I reiterated my points, reminded him that I would be heard and understood, and thanked him for his time. OF COURSE he never bothered me again. He retired not long after, and I don't recall any whole faculty goodbye, either; I think he got together with some male buddies, off campus. Very telling.

After that confrontation, though, I never had any issue with any other male faculty member there in my 10 years at that school. Word got around. Heh.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-03-20T23:58:39+00:00

Impeccable timing.

I just had a 40 minute Lyft ride where this scrote straight up trauma dumped on me the entire time, and some of it was very activating for me personally. I kept my responses short and curt and he even interrupted that. I ended up putting on headphones.

I just can't imagine life with that audacity.

smart-tart23 · 2022-03-21T03:55:21+00:00

Just to hear the sound of his own voice

realitytvfanaticx · 2022-03-20T23:53:20+00:00

I think the first mistake was having a man as a roommate… but that’s just my opinion 😬

4E4ME · 2022-03-21T01:37:30+00:00

I suppose I could tell someone to shut up. But I don't even want that energy in my head.

I've gotten very good at stopping conversations mid (their) sentence with "oh, I just remembered a call I need to return", or "oh hey Bill, I'm just headed down the hall, see you later", or even "Sorry, I need to finish what I'm working on, I'm on a deadline". Basically it's just "yeah, I'm not that girl that's going to stand here and listen to you".

We are raised to feel bad about being impolite and I just refuse to feel bad for protecting my time or my mental health. If you feel offended that I didn't let you waste my time, tough, I honestly don't care.

extragouda · 2022-03-21T11:37:45+00:00

I have male colleagues like this. Unfortunately, I have to say that for most if not all of the men I know, the most common reason they talk to me is because they want to:

Show off, so they basically "explain" things to me that I already know in order to seem like an expert at something.
Get sexual attention, even if they already have a partner/wife, they are trying to get sexual attention.

I find that if I am assertive and interrupt them and tell them that they are talking AT me instead of to me, or if I demand that they speak to me differently, they think I'm "mean".

ThrowawayCompassion · 2022-03-21T13:19:18+00:00

My x was a monologue giver, and also swore every second word and ended EVERY sentence with “you know?” Or “you know what I’m saying?” It drove me insane. Our last convo I just exploded at him and hung up the phone. I texted a week later telling him “I’m tired of being used by you, you don’t even consider me a human being, I’m an ear toilet for you to word shit into, and my ears aren’t available anymore for your endless pooping” vulgar yes but it really felt like that. A couple months later he emailed me asking if we could talk. Oh boy!

Colour_riot · 2022-03-21T13:58:03+00:00

I don't keep any male or female friends who do that so thankfully anyone like that that I meet is a distant memory.

However, when I'm trapped (like in an uber / plane or something), men just talk. and talk. and talk.

Once I announced that I was going to listen to my music and put on my headphones. When I paused it midway to check something, I realised that he hadn't stopped talking, the whole damn time.

KetoKittenAround · 2022-03-21T01:07:10+00:00

They get violent and angry if you tell them the truth. They are boring and you feel no need to hear them.

I would caution anyone bold from telling a man to shut up. You will cut in a way that violence from someone who is seemingly cool is a total possibility.

My own take not to be forced on anyone:

Grey rock. Also give them the very minimum of listening. Don’t engage.

Do what they do if they ask why you aren’t engaged… “I am here listening aren’t I?! You don’t value or realize what’s in front of you…. I need a break.” Huff off

I have made some men angry in this way and I was not hit (other situations not so) But you bet that punch to the door or that kick to something on the ground was directed at me.

I love your energy and normalization of equal social norms, but I’m going to warn all of you to take the L in its way and just get out of physical proximity. It will be a W.

I know I seem alarmist but even men I thought were friends couldn’t handle the truth in a healthy way.

PS You cant reason with them. You can’t change hearts and minds. Your logic will not stand. We need to give this very idea up. Anyone who feels they had an impact is sadly mistaken… no.

No my darlings they hate you and You only serve to witness them. You shut them up and made an enemy.

They aren’t like us. We seek to understand and to make people feel better… their viewpoint is entirely different. You’d do well to realize this.

chocolatelustpile · 2022-03-21T13:47:04+00:00

I have a flatmate like this so I'll say, "I know that you want to talk, however I'm not in the mood for a chat. I'll talk to you later" and go about whatever I'm doing or walk out of the room. He also doesn't pick up on social queues so I don't feel as bad being blunt about it.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-03-21T19:28:50+00:00

Lmao

“Hi how are you my name is John I - “

“Shut the fuck up”

devilooo · 2022-03-21T09:02:10+00:00

Agreed. Have you girls seen Inventing Anna Delvey?

Well, if you have, my first thought when I read this post was respond to men:

“I do not have time for this! I do not have time”

It’s important to keep Anna’s emphasis on the right words.

slayeroftruth · 2022-03-21T20:06:23+00:00

I so wanted to do that before but to stranger male. I was standing in line to checkout groceries. This man in front of me said "let's go to another lane because women never shut up." basically saying women will take long time to check out form talking. He said this to his what I'm guessing was male friend. No one was talking in our grocery line, but cashier was women, and most people in our lane was women so he was just being sexist pig. They went to another cashier and as I was leaving with quite a bit of groceries, they were behind two people lol

not_a_paper_pusher · 2022-03-21T20:47:54+00:00

I’m considering sending them this video

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CbS-bkDpyFi/?utm_medium=copy_link

Title	Normalise telling men to just shut up
Author	Africanaissues
Upvotes	793
Comments	51
Date	March 20, 2022 11:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tiy7eb/normalise_telling_men_to_just_shut_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/normalise-telling-men-to-just-shut-up.1108332 https://theredarchive.com/post/1108332

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