My marriage is falling apart and I don’t know where to begin to fix it.

sicrm · 2022-11-07T00:55:19+00:00

Being in mom groups with other stay at home moms complaining about the same things definitely hasn’t helped, and made me feel entitled to my constant complaining.

start with leaving that group.

Instead of thanking him for all he does for us, he’s met with constant complaints from me about being overwhelmed, not having enough time and not having more help with the kids and around the house.

next time you catch yourself complaining or about to, take a deep breath and internally ask yourself is this helping you get the result you want?

thiswonderlandlife · 2022-11-07T01:07:05+00:00

Start now. Start making the changes you need to to make your marriage better.

A friend of mine was ready to live her husband and started journaling a thing she was grateful for about him every day. It completely changed her relationship. And he didn’t even know she was doing it.

You e got small children. In this season of life, you need to be okay with some things just not getting done as often as you’d like. Pick a few tasks that make you feel better when they are done and do those daily. Do everything else when you find some time. Another great way to start seeing progress is to spend 5-10 minutes at a time getting stuff done instead of a longer period. I do this slot as I float from room to room.

ViolentTakeByForce · 2022-11-07T01:32:25+00:00

I just want to say this, be smart and drop out of the mom group immediately.

I heard this saying once, and it’s something like “most women want to see other women single”. While it may not apply here exactly, it’s very hard to find women nowadays who don’t believe they are owed the world for merely existing. Negativity breeds negativity.

I think you should show him this post. Be vulnerable and tell him, this is how you really feel and have a hard time verbalizing.

KombuchaEnema · 2022-11-07T00:32:33+00:00

You can’t force yourself to be a perfect traditional smiling wife if you are stressed out.

We all like to imagine women in the 1800s who were graceful and sweet and loving even during the worst of times. But the “sweet smiling wife” was typically seen in wealthy homes, with nannies and maids. These women had time for self-care. Nails, hair, makeup. Long baths with lotion. Nice smelling candles. Hobbies. Socializing with friends. Hosting parties.

If you pick up any historical fiction novel about women who were working class, they were tough and stressed and not always so sweet and nice. They had business to get done and that often meant becoming harsh.

You don’t have a nanny or a maid. And spending all your free time with children (or women whose lives also revolve around children) will eventually drain you. That’s all there is to it.

You won’t force yourself to become a great wife by ignoring your stress and forcing the corners of your mouth into a fake smile. If anything this will take more of your mental energy and you’ll have even more meltdowns.

If you want to be good to your husband, you need to be good to yourself. So forgive yourself. Pamper yourself. Even if it’s fifteen minutes to put on a nice-smelling lotion. Or listen to music and sit in the bath. Find something that makes you feel calm and indulge.

For me, it’s those LED lights that get hung up in the room. They have a blue color and I find it calming. It helps me to just sit in the light and watch TV for a short while.

As women we are supposed to be caregivers and lovers and comforting calm companions. You will never play that role for anyone else if you don’t start treating yourself with compassion first.

Also, work on allowing him to initiate more (unless you feel genuinely uncomfortable). My husband once initiated oral sex on me…I was always super shy and embarrassed and would refuse. But one day I allowed him and once I got over the initial awkwardness and self-consciousness, it felt amazing and led to wonderful sex. Try to learn the difference between “I genuinely don’t want sex right now” and “I do want sex/intimacy but I feel too shy and awkward to let myself enjoy it.”

Also, instead of “I’m so overwhelmed right now” try reframing your statements as a “we.”

“I can tell we’re both so overwhelmed right now. It’s awful. Maybe we could get the kids to bed a little early and cuddle before bed?”

NupeRanger · 2022-11-07T01:44:16+00:00

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

I commend you for your sobering self critique and taking that long hard look in the mirror. So much of our mood is about how we choose to feel.

You've pointed out that much of your predicament is about the choices you make. Nothing about about what you explain seems unsalvageable. If your husband is still doing his part and still giving 100%, there is no reason to throw in the towel.

If you need some motivation, just imagine how your life would be if the unthinkable were to happen (God forbid). If your husband is run over by a unicorn tomorrow and goes to heaven. How much harder would your life be if you had to do it all alone and he was not here?

Or what if you filed for divorce? Let's say he pays $X,000 a month in child support and alimony. But you would still have to get a job (eventually) and be just as involved as a mother.

Neither of these seem more desirable than having your husband, assuming he loves you and the children and would do anything for you.

Best of luck,

henrycatalina · 2022-11-07T02:09:55+00:00

Just do the opposite of what you are doing.

Start saying please and thank you.

When he comes home, force a smile and kiss him.

Tell your kids to give dad a hug when he walks in the door.

Tell him you are proud of him and his resolve to succeed.

Do not dump your emotions on him. However, tell him it would help you if he just listened to your day.

Get in bed with time to be intamate. Get kids in bed early. If possible, he should put them to bed as reading to the kids at night will be a fond memory.

Do not foster resentment, utter contempt, or otherwise make him walk on eggshells. Never say, "You always... followed by criticism."

He should be thanking you for your work as SAHM. He should be taking time to be Dad.

My wife was following your routine. Read Gottman's books on marriage. I gave her a synopsis, and we started with just please and thank you. I told her just to treat me as well as others in public. Would you treat a cashier like this?

You be the heroine in your story and stop acting helpless. And know your kids see how you act and soak up everything. Be the adult.

LowlyLizzieBCG · 2022-11-07T01:18:16+00:00

I’m sorry you have a lot on your plate. It’s awesome that you truly want to salvage your marriage.

I agree with the long post (lol) you can’t force it and you should allow him to help you come to the place you want to be at.

Try to be vulnerable with him. Express to him what you’re going through but what your desires are for the marriage and I’m sure he will not only be enamored with your gesture but he will have a great ego boost knowing you need him and want things to work.

SubmissivePickmegirl · 2022-11-07T12:09:19+00:00

You answered your question yourself.

Here are the steps to improve your relationship:

Never nag him
Find a way to share your problems, like "Honey, I've got a problem with this thing... Are you able to help me if possible, please?" Ask nicely.
Don't dump your bad mood and vibes on him. The man is very stressed because of his crisis and rightfully. He needs you to be soft, kind, pleasant to be with and especially supportive. Being supportive to your man is in the very list of vital and golden rules for relationships to survive.
If you got a hard time dealing with the kids alone, have you got any relatives or in laws to help you?
You say you are unappreciative and ungrateful, well, honey, that's your main mistake. Fix it by being grateful and appreciative. It's simple, just thank him for being with you and the things he does. And apologize to him for being ungrateful. Ask him for forgiveness.
No matter what hard times you face, it doesn't give you the right to be entitled nag who dump her bad mood and grumpiness on him. Get a nanny, if you can. I really hope you have available relatives to help with the kids.
About your libido, eat foods and supplements to boost it. You don't have medical condition or phobia to stop you from satisfying your man.
Understand that you belong to him. You wanna see him happy and pleased with you right? You want him to feel alright and well, no? Then swallow your pride, conquer your ego, and submit to his authority. Ego should be minimized in any relationship.

beautifulbountiful · 2022-11-07T05:47:23+00:00

You’re not going to become a perfect wife overnight. It’s going to take just as much time to get to a good place as it took to get to this rough place. Keep chipping away and start small, working up to bigger stuff. The load will lessen as you start to carry it better.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I am wishing you lots of naps and you time very soon.

Competitive-Gas3935 · 2022-11-07T10:51:33+00:00

Besides everyone else’s greats advice, I suggest you examine your physical (and therefore mental) health. How is your gut? I know this seems random but I know for sure when your stress hormones rise it affects your gut which then affects your mood and mindset. Can you take sometime to improve your diet ? I once went through a stage of never ending negativity towards my bf.. I then got a cold and had to take a course of antibiotics and oh dear did that clear up my gut issues and my mood.. like a Veil lifted off my brain, complete turn around in my emotional state

TheBunk_TB · 2022-11-07T13:33:37+00:00

Unpopular mention:

Don't be a "squeaky wheel".

Love the man, not just sex. Literally just hold the man, hug/kiss.

Is he unhappy with you? serious question

Laurely4u · 2022-11-07T21:43:07+00:00

I am a retired lady with no family. If you were in my neighborhood I would help clean the kitchen

redditmichelle1 · 2022-11-07T10:56:08+00:00

Girl get out of the house and work! 2 incomes will lessen the burden and get you doing things outside of childcare... You'll be able to afford childcare

AutoModerator · 2022-11-07T00:07:12+00:00

Title: My marriage is falling apart and I don’t know where to begin to fix it.

Full text: I (30F) and my husband (33M) have been married for 5 years with two kids under the age of 4.

Things have been extremely rocky lately and I feel like we’re heading towards divorce. I don’t even know where to begin with our issues but so much of it is my fault.

I’m a SAHM and my husband works hard to support us. We had a pretty serious financial crisis 3 years ago (long story short my husband got extremely screwed over by a business partner on a side business that he had) and lost a condo and a house that he worked really, really hard for and I know he’s been feeling the pressure to make the money back.

I’ve been extremely ungrateful and unappreciative. Even though staying at home with my kids is what I want, dealing with small children all day, lack of sleep and lack of time for myself has put me in an almost permanent bad mood. I’m not fun to be around and I know it but I just can’t seem to snap myself out of it.

Instead of thanking him for all he does for us, he’s met with constant complaints from me about being overwhelmed, not having enough time and not having more help with the kids and around the house. Being in mom groups with other stay at home moms complaining about the same things definitely hasn’t helped, and made me feel entitled to my constant complaining.

I absolutely have NOT been a soft place to land. I give my all to my kids and have not made him a priority. The only time we have with each other is after the kids go to bed and by then all I want to do is veg out. My libido has tanked so I rarely initiate sex. It’s just a mess all around.

I want to salvage our marriage but I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been reading RPW and listening to Laura Doyle’s podcast and I get excited to implement the strategies and become a better wife but I always end up reverting back to this awful version of myself.

I don’t know why but I have such a hard time swallowing my pride (always have) and submitting to him. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

What can I do? Is it too late? Do I fake it until I make it? Am I going to be stuck as this awful, miserable person forever?

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yodawg32 · 2022-11-07T04:17:51+00:00

Hi ladies. I feel my current girlfriend has similar attributes as OP that will show in the future with kids.

Any recommendations for ‘preventative measures’ I can practise with my girlfriend to aid future hard times ?

aleatingasandwich · 2022-11-07T18:47:59+00:00

I've skimmed the comments and I haven't seen anybody take this approach so I'm going to offer it, and if it is against guidelines players remove it.

I had a lot of young children too and I remember what it does to the emotional mind and your body. If you have two kids under four, you've spent most of that time pregnant or postpartum. I'm a big believer that whatever is inside of us is what we give to others. So if you start trying to become the perfect wife for your husband but you don't fix what's inside of you, you're going to end up spewing poison all over him anyway no matter how hard you try.

And honestly, are you being the best mom you can be to your kids right now? If this is your attitude towards your husband, and the way you've described your inner mind, I can't imagine you feel like you're being the best mom that you can be right now either, and that can be heartbreaking.

The first thing I would do is look at my nutrition, my water intake, and maybe get your hormone levels checked? This can have a big effect on mood. You can be a perfect Pollyanna Sunshine princess and if you aren't eating right, you aren't drinking enough water, and your vitamin levels are terrible and your hormones are out of whack you're going to look like the Wicked witch!

The next thing I would do is buy a gratitude Journal. Make it a daily practice to meditate on the things that you have in your life right now that you are grateful for. Do this first thing in the morning, before you even talk to anyone. Listen to podcasts about how to slow down your life and be grateful, listen to YouTube videos about how to get yourself out of a negative thinking loop. Learn to be the master of your own mind and emotions.

And after you've done both of those things and feel like you have a better handle on your own emotional needs, then I would start trying to reconnect with my husband. If you start trying to be romantic and the perfect wife without healing who you are inside, it's going to come right back out again and you'll be back at square one.

yohanya · 2022-11-07T21:41:41+00:00

Actions speak louder than words.

I'm a sahm to a 5.5mo and I've been dealing with some INTENSE mood swings for a couple months now. I have been horrible to be around. I cry about everything. (Thinking it could be ppa or ppd but therapy doesn't start til December.) My husband is incredible, he helps out around the house and doesn't expect anything from me but to take care of the baby. Even with all that I've driven our relationship to some extremes and I've been slowly learning how to reel it back in.

I think things started getting better when I began acknowledging how stressful it must be to live with me right now. It was also a huge difference when I made my first therapy appointment. I think it showed him that I recognize I need to work on things and that I'm prepared to put in the work. I think everybody has the right to complain about things at times, it's important to vent, but knowing the time and place is important.

I also started doing really little stuff, they mean a lot to people whose cups are empty. Anything you can think of really. Surprises and sweet gestures go a long way

zaftig_stig · 2022-11-07T22:40:32+00:00

One thing about men, is you don’t have to do something to makeup for how you’ve been treating him.

Change your behavior. Own your mistakes and start showing appreciation and respect.

Also Alison Armstrong’s the Queens Code is so insightful for men and relationships with them. The book is also an easy read but chock full of incredible information.

Miss-Bobcat · 2022-11-07T23:27:19+00:00

Can you join some kinda fun hobby that has exercise? I joined jiu jitsu and it changed my life! I feel stronger, got in better shape, and my libido returned to me bc I also got some time away from being a mom lol

avotoastisgreat · 2022-11-08T00:19:14+00:00

I am not a mother so I cannot relate in that aspect, but I do deal with the average stressors in my life.

I think it's important to have people in your life who are going through the same struggles as you are, but it's not productive to simply create an eco-chamber with no actual solutions. All you're doing is amplifying your unhappiness.

You are your first priority. If you are not in a good place mentally, physically, and emotionally, how do you expect to show up 100% for your children and your husband? You need to start setting time aside for yourself. I'm not saying you need to do anything extravegant, but adopting simple, mindful habits will do you wonders.

The best thing that I ever did for myself was start a mindfulness journal on my laptop. I set aside ten minutes for myself each day to just brain dump. What am I greatful for? What are my intensions for the day? What were the highlights of my day? What did I learn about myself? What are some things that I need to actively work on? What are my goals moving forward? This gives you a space to dump all of your inner thoughts without any negative eco.

Secondly, make sure you are moving your body and getting fresh air and sunlight daily. I try to take two, two mile walks a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. Take the kids on your walks or walk to the park. There are short 10 minute yoga videos you can do on Youtube to relax and stretch your body.

Make sure you are getting enough sleep. And make sure you are getting quality sleep. Having a night time routine really helps me wind down from the day. It's a sacred time for me. Having a hot shower signals my body that the day is over and its time to rest. I drink a cup of chamomile tea before bed. Having lavender in your bedroom helps with sleep.

And lastly, set time aside for you and your husband. You dont have to go out and spend lots of money to still have special, quality time together. Make popcorn and have a movie night, just you two, try a new recipe together, go to a nature preserve and ride bikes, have a boardgame night, have a spa night at home and give eachother massages. Whatever you do, make sure that its quality time between just you two. Never stop courting and making time for each other.

It's really easy to fall into anger and stress which is why its so important to live intensionally.

Back2Faith · 2022-11-14T07:05:28+00:00

Alright so I was in this situation and you literally answered your own question. Why is your marriage on the rocks? Because you can't stop complaining and your husband feels like he isn't good enough.

The solution is really easy, although I know it may seem daunting from the frantic mindset you are in now. Stop complaining and be grateful to your husband for taking care of your family. For me that meant writing a journal everyday of the things my husband did that I loved and made me appreciate him, even when it was hard for me to find something to write some days.

I also started doing a lot more self care. Dressing nice, taking relaxing baths, and generally making sure I was fine had a great effect on my marriage. It mellowed me out and that made my husband alot happier to be around me again. And last but not least, I learned to listen and to STFU instead of letting my emotions rule me and how I responded to things.

Title	My marriage is falling apart and I don’t know where to begin to fix it.
Author	_blushpink
Upvotes	34
Comments	42
Date	November 7, 2022 12:07 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/yo76ar/my_marriage_is_falling_apart_and_i_dont_know/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-marriage-is-falling-apart-and-i-dont-know-where.1137823 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137823

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