Strategies to get a narcissist to settle

jimsmythee · 2022-12-12T21:54:21+00:00

I was getting divorced and my ex wanted everything. Every last dime.

Mediation went nowhere unless I was ready to give her everything.

So I said screw it, cut off contact and said “I’ll see you at trial.” Granted, AZ divorces go FAST. But in my situation, going straight to trial was the best thing ever.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-12-12T21:35:17+00:00

Set trial as a backstop. Without trial scheduled, she has no reason to be reasonable.

Also, read this book if you haven't already -- Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-12-12T22:00:09+00:00

If she is really a narc no matter what you agree to she will probably find something else that she will drive you crazy. She can't let go that's all she has left to have control over you so yeah set a trial date and never talk to her after the divorce

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-12-12T21:23:47+00:00

Here is what we do in my state

File for divorce
Do discovery
Declare trial readiness with the court
Attend a court mandated settlement conference
Schedule trial
Attend trial
Get divorced

All the back and forth achieves nothing. NOTHING.

If there are kids involved step 2.5 ask the court to order a bilateral parenting evaluation and that the evaluator makes a recommendation on parenting time and decision making

Probably 12 months start to finish in Washington

Least_Attorney9006 · 2022-12-13T07:34:51+00:00

Do narcs ever go to trial?

I’m 2.5 years and $250k in and have absolutely nothing finalized.

I was able to actually get a written agreement on the parenting plan and then she refused to sign it and started demanding a “global” settlement to get more money.

I don’t want to go to trial. It’ll be another $50-$75k. But she refuses to settle anything.

I would love any help.

And for the record, I have 3 kids that I’m fighting for. She wants to make me an every other weekend dad, which would mean she controls everything I do. I’ve got to save them, and myself, from her.

pijpnord · 2022-12-12T22:35:33+00:00

I’m with you man. Everything I mediate thru my lawyer, and it’s all reasonable stuff and we get nowhere and it’s costing a fortune. Maybe litigation would just be cheaper, ffs idk.

captainchippsixx · 2022-12-12T23:50:14+00:00

Narcis are like darth vader. They will keep changing the deal. If negotiations suck then just go to court.

xjeeperx · 2022-12-13T00:35:56+00:00

I was going to say run her out of cash, but it doesn’t sound like you’re able to do that.

Best advice, tell your lawyer only to contact you with something that’s entirely necessary, and wait for the trial date.

CaliDude75 · 2022-12-13T05:04:57+00:00

I initially considered mediation, and maybe it could have worked, but ended up getting an attorney, and don't regret that I did.

My ex and I agreed on most parts of the settlement in principle, except for the cash settlement amount. She initially wanted $100k. I said no way. I initially countered at $10k. I could tell unless I cut to the chase, there would probably be a lot of back-and-forth, and a lot of needless attorney's fees.

With the knowledge of my attorney, I reached out directly to my ex, and said, "House [she takes over the mortgage payments] + $25k paid over 18 months, best and final." She agreed, we drafted up a mutually agreed-to settlement, and submitted it to the court. Right on schedule (California has a mandatory 6-month "cooling off" period), the court approved it.

Paid around $6k in attorney's fees. Not cheap, but not exorbitant. I consider it money well-spent.

Feinixaway · 2022-12-13T09:56:34+00:00

Narcissists are delusional and don't think about anyone else.

Perhaps get your lawyer to negotiate with her lawyer. She might listen to someone in a position of authority

Renee9485 · 2022-12-14T16:12:14+00:00

I'm four years out and I can't really say it has gotten any better. It gets good for a bit, then some bad stuff goes down again that requires me to drop thousands more. This comes from the woman who said "We could have done this out of court". We could have if we had done it her way the entire time but no, after what I went through with her during marriage, it was my turn. I'm losing money but battle by battle I'm winning what has become a war. She's now moved on to ruining our children as I have set more boundaries with her, so watch out for that tactic. She just sucks off the next nearest victim because she's too "helpless and victimized" to get on her own heels and find a normal, stable footing. Everyone in her sphere just becomes her whipping post or flying monkey. The stories I can tell about this tragedy are almost unbelievable.

The best advice I can give you is fight in kind. Playing nice with this person will only steal your honor, dignity, power and health. Crushing this person under the weight of their own game is the only way I see fit....find a way to turn it against them. Once she gave up the façade of being an ACTUAL mother and took on the role of simply a uterus, I decided that other than actually turning the kids against her, there is no more playing nice. I put on MY façade that everything is fine, then I waylay her BEHIND the scenes with something else (custody modifications, complaints, divorce hearings)....I make everything as much of a surprise as I can unless it has to do directly with the kids, then I keep it between the lines. I will watch her fall and help the process in every way that I can. If she rises back a better, humble, thankful person, great! If not, great as well. I played by the mantra of "this is the mother of my children" for too long. I'm no longer in pain of feeling sad for her. Seeing her as she has seen me is now a great feeling. I was "just a paycheck".....well, now she's just a bill and I hope to have this one paid off soon. The best thing that can happen is that she is revealed to society for what she is, not what she tries to be seen as.

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2022-12-14T18:25:32+00:00

Pick something reaaaaally stupid to be the hill to die on. Really petty and dumb that you don't actually care about, but is extremely well before 'fairness.' Get stupid protective over a set of shot glasses that you pretend to have an emotional connection over. Whatever you can make it a fight over. She's not in it for how the actual division of property goes. She's in it to hurt you.

Behind the scenes, you arrange everything else to be in as much your favor as you think you can get away with. But keep the focus on whatever keeps her in super petty angry mode, no matter how it shifts. You want her to stay in self-destruct mode.

Then, when things are set favorably for you, you let her win whatever that one stupid little thing was. Pretend to be all broken up like you've sacrificed everything you wanted. It'll feel like victory to her.

Other than this as strategy, zero contact for anything else. Zero. You arrange custody exchange so that no contact is ever necessary -- i.e. so custody is exchanged by having the other parent pick the kids up from school on Friday.

jpgtsi · 2022-12-12T23:39:02+00:00

Stop talking to her and your lawyer and coming up with common sense agreements that she will refuse. Set the trial, a date always bothers a narcissistic person because that will be the end.

Also there are countless ways to avoid contact. Get the OFW app and refuse all contact through email and your cell unless it's an absolute 💯 child emergency. Next when you do pick up and drop off do not get out of your car. Do not engage.

No_Pen_3200 · 2022-12-13T18:17:16+00:00

There are no strategies. You will have to self represent. I’m in the same boat.
Narcissistic people don’t see you as an equal. They will always be there to throw sand in the gears. Just because they can.

You have to always fight for basic equality.

You have to always do your best for your kids.
That being said your best isn’t always going to be what you think it is.

Counselling is key, you want as much impartial 3 rd party influence. Surrender trying to control the situation.

Various-Direction-66 · 2022-12-15T15:28:10+00:00

My ex suddenly became reasonable 2 days before trial. Before that, it was 19 months of pure ridiculous bullshit. Get a trial date and hunker down.

Title	Strategies to get a narcissist to settle
Author	No-Big7797
Upvotes	10
Comments	30
Date	December 12, 2022 9:12 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/zkbnkv/strategies_to_get_a_narcissist_to_settle/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/strategies-to-get-a-narcissist-to-settle.1144095 https://theredarchive.com/post/1144095

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