This Realization Pisses Me Off

Gattsama · 2023-01-16T00:27:45+00:00

So here's the issue, and please understand no insult, you have trained your wife to behave this way. Instead of setting strong boundaries and dealing with the results (she yells, gets upset, no sex, etc) you have told her and demonstrated you will submit to her will. And she is rewarded for her actions by your compliance.

Think of it this way, you have a dog that keeps begging at the table. You tell the dog multiple times no. But when he comes over even though you talk, yell and order; you ultimately give him a small treat. From the dogs POV you are rewarding his behavior. If someone said to you, you are expecting the dog to change his behavior because he loves you and doesn't he want to be a good dog, look at how much you do for him. People would say your crazy, it'll never happen.

But so many of us (myself included, I was simping hard during my marriage) do the exact same thing with our wives. We tell or ask them; but then we reward them for bad behavior and just hope _they_ will change someday. But the only person you have control over is yourself. You can not control her. And she can not control you, you submit your control to her to: get along, have peace, not have her yell or withhold sex, etc.

You need to step back, think about what you want. Tell her what your plans are, tell her the consequences of her choosing not to respect your plans, and then with firm boundaries enforce exactly what you said. But to be honest, this becomes harder and harder as the relationship continues because she often has years of reinforced training to the opposite.

You also have to be willing to accept whatever reaction she responds with. No sex, yelling, personal attacks, etc. And for the most part be willing to just walk away or not engage her if this happens. People often fire back with, well she will get so upset that she leaves or even threatens termination. To which we respond, good. Better to know she is NOT a partner, and take the appropriate action, then to live in the delusion of false love & support.

jimsmythee · 2023-01-16T01:40:17+00:00

My now exwife hated that I had friends and activities that involved things she didn't want to do.

She hated that I had friends, because she said, "I don't really like those people."

She hated that I had coworkers that I would hang out with to have coffee on weekends, or to have happy hour drinks with.

She hated all of my hobbies. Because those took time away that I could spend waiting on her hand and foot.

thenotknown2022 · 2023-01-16T03:25:56+00:00

brother, it will only get worse.

i think there is a formula for wife being unhappy with you in marriarge

wife complaints per day = 3 * number of years married.

why would she hate your games you may wonder? its simple, its something that brings you joy that is not her.

muscularmusician · 2023-01-16T01:21:09+00:00

My ex's bf before we got married played video games a lot.. and she became very resentful. Then we got married and after a few years I wanted to start playing some of the old games I had played in my youth... well she was very very against that. Anyway, over the years I played games on and off but she was always very against it regardless of the whatever agreements were made. Only playing for such amount of time, things I had agreed to complete were done first, etc. Well, I've been on my own now for a year and a half now and the paperwork will be finalized in a month or two. .. and I can play all the games I want now... or not.

1Cobbler · 2023-01-16T02:15:43+00:00

I have to ask because I never really experienced this in my marriage as my wife didn't want to spend time with me, especially in the back half of it: What does spending time with the wife actually look like?

I'm a gamer, always have been, always will be, but I was always happy to put it down if the wife wanted to do something together, which was rare. I have plenty of married friends who always seem to never have any time to do anything and always need permission from the wife to do anything. They'll contact me when the wife is away because "they have freedom this weekend". I never call them on it because I don't want to look like I'm trying to get anyone to question their marriages.

But what is it? If we assume most married dudes aren't getting laid for 3 hours a night: It's Wednesday night, the kids are in bed, you have 2-3 hours of free time, what are you and the wife doing? Are you just watching some shit show that she wants to watch? Talking? Staring at the wall? I'm just genuinely curious how they take up so much time.

WartimeDad · 2023-01-16T02:20:01+00:00

One of the best things about getting out of my toxic marriage is that I have been slowly getting back into gaming. It’s amazing how much joy it brings. Getting on the headset with the buddies and relieving stress and having laughs and adventure.

I honestly don’t get why women so commonly want to snuff out every single thing that brings joy in our lives until we are a sad shell of the man they fell in love with.

Dude fuck her. Your hobbies are extremely important and she has no say in them.

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-01-16T02:23:26+00:00

Modern women are just inherently unhappy. Would you live with a woman at some point some thing you do will make them resent you. The luster and excitement of being with you goes away once they’re with you all the time.

When they’re single all they want is a man. And they have a man all they want is to be married. When they’re married all they want is to be single and do what they want. They’re always inherently unhappy no matter their situation they find a negative and woe is me.

henrysmyagent · 2023-01-16T07:54:50+00:00

Tell a woman you don't like what she is doing and she calls you controlling. All her friends back her up.

Do things you enjoy that don't include her and you are selfish. All her friends will back her up

Tell her you work hard and deserve some time for hobbies and your wife will will leave you. All her friends will back her up.

The. Game. Is. Rigged.

Start lawyer shopping now. Make copies of all important tax and financial papers. Open a seperate bank account and a PO Box.

Good luck!

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-01-16T13:19:20+00:00

> I have to ask her if she's cool with it

You're in this position because you seek validation from your wife. You've made her the leader of the marriage. And she hates you for it. Women want a guy who just gets it. You must lead your relationship. Like ballroom dancing, men lead and women follow. If you want to be treated like the captain of your ship, then act like it. Be strong, wise and delegate to your first officer and trusted advisor. Never expect her to intuit what you want. A good woman will submit to a strong leader, and compliment her man. Women crave to be led. They will scream, shout, and insist otherwise. But in the end, historically and empirically, women want men to lead. All the protesting is merely a big massive fitness test to see if you have the confidence, spine, and temerity to be a real man and stand up to them. Demonstrate leadership, do not explicate.

Small-University-875 · 2023-01-16T00:22:54+00:00

Welcome to the double standard that is being a woman. It's okay for her to do whatever she wants, but don't you dare tell her what she can and can't do.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-01-16T01:26:01+00:00

No different than a child getting permission from Mom to play Centipede on the Atari.

“I don’t know why my wife won’t fuck me any more!”

Remarkable-Potato21 · 2023-01-16T05:46:23+00:00

It's not about the video games. There's alot more going on with her feelings and thought process that I cannot begin to just make assumptions. Simply put she doesn't respect you. If you're able to communicate with her and get the root of this it, without her exploding or throwing ultimatums, then you can find a solution. Look over some positive communication tips on Google and try a second approach to the issue. You posted with the indication of divorce over this one issue, but to me, it feels deeper rooted. Take a step back. Focus on your attitude and your self-respect. Set the tone to understanding and if she expects you to just see it all her way or the highway, show her to the door. You shouldn't be expected to give up something completely that brings you joy and camaraderie without an explanation, all while her actions show she wouldn't do the same for you.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-01-16T11:15:32+00:00

All men when it comes to their relationships should think more with their dick and not worry much about these women's emotional issues

Formal-Country-3941 · 2023-01-17T02:57:33+00:00

All I can say.. is your point echos with many. It doesn't matter what the thing is... be it video games, playing tennis with your friends, or an obsession with raising pigs.. your wife is going to pretend to be jealous of it..or find a fault with it and convince you to stop doing it.

Jonger1150 · 2023-01-16T01:47:47+00:00

This battle goes on across the country every day.

throwingit_all_away · 2023-01-16T19:26:25+00:00

There is a line in a famous movie where the question is asked,

"What if they call my mom a whore?"

And the response is,

"Well, is she?"

Do you game too much? Do you spend enough dedicated quality time with her? Are you too loud?

Ever just asked her, without any attitude, hey, Im gonna cut out 3 hours on Sunday afternoon to play. Now, what do we need to do this week so you feel ok during that time?

Then, stick to your time and focus on not being loud.

Simple compromise is much cheaper both mentally and financially.

You want to stop walking on eggshells? Then grow up and take control of your marriage. Your supposed to give to each other. Try it.

Defiant-Reception939 · 2023-01-17T20:43:53+00:00

So when I want to play, I have to ask her if she's cool with it

lmfao stop being a weak bitch and lay down the law

put yourself first

EBZ1722 · 2023-01-16T08:05:28+00:00

Video games aren't important at all man, you gotta wake up. I gamed a lot when I was a teenager too, then I grew up. When you look at your woman do you think you'd rather be playing video games than build a real partnership with her? Why get married in the first place? I just don't understand, how can this be a legacy that a real person wants to leave behind.

I sincerely hope you're able to identify your priorities in life.

007--Chill · 2023-01-16T01:14:13+00:00

Fk what with guys these days with video games? I guess chicks find dick controller to play with. Single-player mode

JJJflight · 2023-01-16T02:29:47+00:00

You have any kids?

John_Dogel · 2023-01-17T11:44:01+00:00

Are you hooking up with somebody else?

Title	This Realization Pisses Me Off
Author	rosefan001
Upvotes	49
Comments	49
Date	January 15, 2023 11:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/10cz8a3/this_realization_pisses_me_off/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/this-realization-pisses-me-off.1148144 https://theredarchive.com/post/1148144

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